Where to go from here

[Cap1985]

Hello,

So I found this site recently and I’m hoping to give it a try to see if it can offer some help, guidance etc. The person in my life that has BPD is my wife which can really make things tough. Actually, I don’t think tough is even the half of it. And to further complicate it, I have ADHD, although I have learned over the years how to cope with it and ways to work around it. Most people would actually say they couldn’t tell. In addition, this is my wife’s second marriage and my first and we have two kids from her first marriage and two of our own.

Here is a list of the things I think causes me to struggle the most in my relationship: (and honestly, a lot of this starts to make me question my own sanity, and I feel as though she gets to have a “different set of rules” to live by)

- the constant projecting. For example, saying that she never knows how I’m going to react to things. To the point where it sounds like I’m just this constant angry person.
- extreme outbursts with hysterical crying, screaming to go away, but in some cases later I hear that she wanted me to stay. The best way to describe it is I’m forced to “hug a porcupine” and then get blamed because it hurts.
- she seems to constantly live in the moment. Primarily this revolves around disciplining our kids which typically turn into arguments over their feelings. Mostly the older two know how to tug on moms heart strings and do it quite often. So as a result I get to be the bad guy.
- name calling or character attacks. Such as asking if I’m stupid, profanity, or being told that I “need help” or that I’m not making sense. The character attacks usually come during break downs over her physical appearance or clothing that she doesn’t feel confident in, or when a compliment I give her triggers some backlash. She typically will fall into some massive slump where she’s pissed off and/or tells me that I just say the same things I’ve said to any other person I dated (mind you we are married) or told that I’m lying and how every guy likes some certain body type etc. (because that’s what’s shown on TV)
- lack of motivation to do much. Some days she will do quite a bit, but others she will hardly do much at all, but yet get upset if I come home and start doing the chores.
- sleep deprivation. Many times the questions or discussions will come right at bed time which will cause me to stay up later and later. On average I get about 6hours of sleep.
- constant assumptions. Examples: if I’m sitting on the couch she will get upset because I’m supposedly not sitting in a way that invites her to come sit next to me. Been told several times that I must not want her to join me on the couch, to which I’ve asked what that even looks like. Or if I’m drained from my day and I’m just “zoned out” on the couch she will get upset because I’m “checked out” and not involved with the family. Or I’ll get the ecstatic worry from her when she goes on about not knowing what I’m thinking.
- constant focus on my mistakes in my past. She always wants to know what mistakes I’ve made and that I “haven’t told her everything”. And then when I do talk about them, she uses them later against me. Or continues to rant about how she doesn’t feel like she knows me.

Sigh, I could go on about quite a few things. Frankly I need direction. I know I’m not perfect and that I have things to improve. But idk how much I can keep doing this. It’s getting to where I just don’t want to go anywhere with her, do anything with her, be romantic as much etc because I never know when these things are going to happen.

I waited awhile to get married. And I thought I had found the right person. Things fit so well. And when it’s good, it’s great! We do have a lot in common. But is this how it should be? Where do I go to get her the help she needs and provide some direction? Not just direction that’s shallow and without aim but something that clearly distinguishes right and wrong. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdKnight]

Brother...

I wished I had some direction to give.I have been involved with a upwBPD girl foe a little over a year. She has me so confused I don’t know which way is up.

I am now convinced that it takes a very strong person to stay beside them and support them despite their lack of support.

I thought I was strong...I realize now I am not.. I can’t do it...

I miss her

[Ozzie101]

Hello Cap, welcome!

I'm so sorry you're in this situation but I'm glad you've found us here. We're a supportive group with a lot of experience and skills to share. We "get it."

So much of what you've written is familiar to me -- and to many others here: the projection, the attacks, the long "discussions" that go late into the night, assumptions, dredging up of the past. When my uBPDh is in a mood, anything I do or say can be misconstrued. Or a comment I made one time can become a "you always."

My H has gotten much better but there are still flare-ups. And I well-remember what it was like living in that whirlwind. I, too, found myself pulling back and distancing myself.

The good news is there are things you can do to improve your situation. The help and advice I got here made a huge difference in my marriage and in my confidence. It can all seem overwhelming at first. So, it can help to break it down into bite-sized pieces. If there's one area of your relationship that's causing you the most pain and stress, what is it?

Also, are you (separately or together) in therapy? Or have you ever been?

If you haven't yet, I'd recommend a bit of reading. The book Stop Walking on Eggshells has been an eye-opener and life-saver for many here (including yours truly).

[Local_Boogeyman]

Cap,

Reading your post was like looking into my own life. All the points you mentioned, every one, are the battles I have with my dBPDw. After nearly two decades together, I've learned to pick up on the patterns and the triggers. I do my best to avoid them, and develop strategies to protect myself, but it's not easy. I still fall into traps, don't pick up on the clues, and find myself on the receiving end of negative projection, or distorted reality accusations. Most days it feels like my life revolves around BPD, either dealing with the in your face aspects of it, or trying to dance between the raindrops to avoid it. Surely not healthy, but I'm working on it.

I'm no expert by any stretch, others on the board can provide much more masterful help, but I can say you are not alone. This site is a wealth of knowledge, and full of caring supportive people.   

[Red5]

Hello Cap1985!

Wow Man!… I could have written your post… in fact I did, about two years ago!(?)

Check this out ~> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304834.msg12838419#msg12838419

So welcome, and know you are not alone, keep posting!

Kind Regards, Red5