What to do?

[blackorchid]

My partner has split me black and is saying that whilst I’m here in England, he is moving out of our apartment back home in Turkey. I’ve had no contact with him since last Thursday when he raged and I jaded as I panicked about stopping the fight before a) he’s family arrived home and b) I left the country. The only contact I had was at the wedding on Thursday when he sent a nice message for my sister (don’t understand why he didn’t just message her) saying congratulations and hes  sorry he wasn’t there and wishing best luck for the future etc. I responded. (Late no phone on me at Wedding) and Said you should have come ( he decided not to as work wouldn’t give so much time off) everyone missed you all my family are asking about you and wished you came.

To which he responded that he’s very happy he didn’t come. He’s happy with his family I will never see you or your family again. Tell me when you’re coming back so I. Can move my things. No one is important for me. Just my health.


He seems to think that I have made him ill and once he removes me all will be well

I don’t know how to respond. I don’t know what to do

His family is always a trigger for him. But he is stupid for them. He’ll do everything for them.  Eg he was a pro footballer but has no money in the bank as they took every last penny. But now I’m split I’m the reason he has nothing. Actually I’m the only one who ever helps him and tells him not to give it to them. Since his career finished he has been worse with episodes. I’m not 100% sure but I think the news of them visiting whilst I was away triggered him again.

What can you advise for being split ? I don’t want to end up blocked. Like he did last year when I was split.

Part of me thinks I’ll lie and come back earlier than i will tell him my flight is, so at least I get a chance to see him but I’m worried that it could make it worse.

Last year he raged and split me and moved out for 4 months. I just want to do what I can to make sure that that doesn’t happen. Because honestly I don’t think I can live through that again

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blackorchid]

Ok so late last night he sent me a message saying thank you for everything. However I was asleep and so didn’t see it until this morning when I woke up. I said. Good morning. Sorry I was asleep last night , thank you for what?

To which he responded
For making me angry, for making me crazy, for all your stupid things. Did you buy your return ticket?

I ignored the outburst and just said not yet as I’ve been so busy here. I’m buying it today. When are your family staying too as i don’t want to disturb your time with them.

He said. We will move out on the 26th

(We not they)

I asked what do you mean

He said don’t worry I’m not emptying the apartment.

I said I’m not worried about things


He said I will just move my things and my clothes

I said I don’t want to respond and make you angry especially when you’re working. So I won’t say anything now.

He said you can’t say anything.if you come here and if you disturb me I will call the police.  Don’t worry I am bad (his name) every time we had a fight I left home but I didn’t do anything. But now im different because no one is important for me. Just  important that’s why don’t say anything to me


I haven’t responded.


Please can someone help me navigate what to do? I’m at my wits end and just trying not to let my friends and family here know what’s happenening. We haven’t seen each other since he left for work on August 8th. And I’ve been out the country since August 12th. I don’t know why he isn’t soothing yet

[ColdKnight]

Well the only thing I can say is that he is communicating. That is much better than the silent treatment. I would rather have someone sending me angry texts than giving me the silent treatment.

He reached out to you even though the message he sent was mean. I don’t know if there is a way for you to keep communicating with him and avoid setting him off.

It seems to me that if he truly didn’t care he would not be talking to you at all.

That is just my personal opinion though.

If it were me I would try to continue to communicate with him and be as non confrontational with him as you can while maintaining your boundaries.

He seems to be upset that you don’t seem to be upset that he is moving out but that is just a guess.

Have you told him that you don’t want him to leave?

[blackorchid]

That makes sense coldknight and thank you for the speedy reply.

In the past when this has happened and I tell him that I don’t want him to leave it makes him worse and it usually ends in me being blocked across all social media. That’s why I’ve been trying not to beg him etc not to leave this time. I don’t know if I should do a SET message. But I really don’t know.

[ColdKnight]

I agree that you should not beg. Begging is never a good response. But maybe there is a way to let him know you don’t want him to leave without begging.

Maybe something like “I love you and don’t want you to go but if this is what you need then I understand. I will give you the space you need.”

Again I have no idea if that is the key or not or even if there is a key.

Sometimes something that worked in the past won’t work now and something that didn’t work may work now. It all depends on what mood they are in. It’s so confusing.

Sorry, not much help.

[blackorchid]

No coldknight you are helping. It’s helpful just to have someone to talk things through with. I’ve had his mum messaging me today. Saying she is telling him to leave me that we can’t live together the house was too messy. So as predicted now the family is meddling and telling him to leave the dirty English girl.

[blackorchid]

Now he’s messaging me to ask what he can take out of the house that I don’t use

[ColdKnight]

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make him stay. It sounds like he is seriously triggered right now and I don’t know if there is much you can do to bring him down.

Ive been in that situation before I’ve given them space, validated them, tried to reassure them and set boundaries...nothing worked. Only she knew what would calm her down..