Hello everyone,
It's been some time since I've posted here. Since my ex-fiance (pwBPD) left last November and the amount of (forgetting the proper term, but coming back and leaving), she has been living with another man for a few months now after bouncing to a few different people. She would call every few days with some type of drama or to just chat. She would almost systematically have the drama that would somehow rope me in. Made such a deep thing about the fact they were officially dating and how she was sorry that it would hurt me to hear; BUT as she says, I'm her best friend. (?)
I'd be interested to hear any insight on the statement of being a best friend in this kind of situation. Not sure I resonate with the term best friend here, none the less, I desire her to be once again my best friend.
A few weeks go by, the same type of stuff. Finally, she calls and it's kind of a weird conversation not going anywhere. Finally, she says, I have something to tell you. And I'm sure as many of you have heard something like this- the mind races on what it could all be. My first thought was that she was engaged to this guy. She says it's going to hurt etc. She then tells me that she believes she is pregnant with his child. Mind you, last October, we were expecting a baby together. She decided to get an abortion which really sucked at the time and honestly I'm still dealing with the pain of all of that.
Side note: I'm not looking for the abortion debate. To each their own. It did force me to really get to grips with what I personally believe, keeping all outside factors at bay as this was my situation. I loved and still do love this person very deeply. This life was created out of immense love, or so it seemed. So to me, it was a true gift. A butt-kicking of a wake-up call to get our lives together. She was and is still dealing with different types of co-occurring disorders, and was still abusing alcohol and using other substances knowing she was pregnant. I think she was so fearful and shamed that she couldn't stop? Anyway, so she is going on about this baby she thinks she has. I get super upset because she starts trying to say she got an abortion and didn't want to have a baby with me because of my inferior genes (type 1 diabetes and had overcome addictions myself) and that my Mom has bad karmic debt. OK really?
Anyway, so less than a year later she is pregnant with this guys baby, or so she thinks. She had called a few times and I choose not to answer. I met with a friend who did some cord-cutting energy work type stuff with me. She called a few more times (totally 6 or 7 times in two days) I didn't pick any of them up. She sent a text saying she told this guy with some heart emojis and immediately said it was her cousin and she was so sorry. Anyway, still, haven't spoken with her since.
SO, my question or thought here is this: should I reach out? Should I send her a message saying that I noticed she called a lot and I haven't been able to talk?
I kind of want to record a video of me speaking to her on all the things I am feeling, regrets, and all the things that we did wrong, etc.? I'm not sure it would do any good. I guess I just at times really miss the small things. Would I like her to be sitting next to me right now? Heck yes. Even with the BPD, this person has wonderful amazing abilities and I can see greatness in her. Part of me knows this is a great place to work through some of these things prior to doing anything rash or something I can't unsay or take back.
I'm not trying to send an angry letter or beg for her to come back or anything like that. We shared a very deep connection, and I do believe we had something very pure and real. Does anyone else have these things going on?
I like the idea of sending a video instead of a letter because she could actually see me, my physical ques and all that stuff. This also stimulates my creativity on how to best deliver a message. I also don't know yet if this would be the proper time to say a final goodbye or not. I'm not even sure I really truly want to do that anyway. Although, I can see how my life has become much more peaceful and less turbulent with her, not in the picture, or at least rather minimal contact. I do miss the intense passion with another, and part of me thinks I won't ever get that with her again, and if so, I need to let her go 100% to allow room for someone else to walk into my life.
I would love some thoughts or stories from you all. If there was anything that resonated here for you, anything at all, please share
