Non existent caring is typical of someone with this condition?

[matj50]

Hi Everyone.  I have been in a relationship with K, my suspected BPD (high functioning) GF for almost 8 years.  I am in a period of silent treatment right now.  I felt ill this morning and there was no empathy whatsoever.  No call to check on me since she was at work and I took the day off.  Told her I was dizzy and bp was way up.  Just wondering if this type of seemingly non existent caring is typical of someone with this condition.  It seems like if I dropped dead at her feet I would, from the afterlife, hear her complaining about the mess I made by dying.  I am seriously considering moving out but deep down I know she's ill and the emotional abuse is a product of the BPD.  Any advice, input, pointing toward information, shoulders to cry on...would all be appreciated!  Thank you!

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[Witz_End]

Hi, Joe, and sorry you're going through this.

No, it's not an unusual thing to see a lack of empathy/sympathy at times.  I don't think it's a constant thing... I mean, like everything else, it can shift and there can be great empathy at times.

There may be different reasons and I think a big part is how/what the pwBPD is feeling at the time and how great their need is to be heard about their feelings.  Attached to this is the splitting.

People with BPD can be very unidirectional when their symptoms are present.  I mentioned in another thread earlier about how my wife explained that in a conversation she was giving a heart felt apology, it was a syntax error to *receive* an apology from me accepting that I had done the same sort of thing in the past.  Because they do not see grey and tend toward seeing fault on one side or the other (not the middle ground of both), it's very binary and unidirectional.

At times when they need your empathy, therefore, they can not easily give empathy.  Or at times when they are upset with you over something, sympathy can go by the wayside.

Is this a norm for her?  What has been going on around this... specifically, is there something she could be upset with you over or is this a period where she has you painted black?  A period of friction or bouts of friction?

[Ozzie101]

Hi matj50 and welcome!

People with BPD can be very wrapped up in themselves when they're dysregulating. I know when my husband was in a black period and I got a cold, all he could express was how inconvenient my cold was for him. Seems crazy, I know, but I think he was so wrapped up in his own pain at the time that anything that pulled focus was a threat. Also, he didn't know how to handle his pain and my sickness just added a layer of complexity he didn't know how to handle.

Witz_End has asked some very good questions that I hope you'll answer. We're here to help with advice, shoulders, whatever you need. And the more detail we have, the better we can help. And I hope you feel better soon!

[matj50]

Thank you Witz and Ozzie.  I first noticed the aberrant behavior about 6 years ago when something small like changing where I put the pots and pans sent her into a rage.  I would notice the immediate change in affect.  She would get very quiet and visibly upset.  If I disagreed with something about the home, she would respond with statements such as "why can't i ever have things my way".  It's interesting, because when we moved into where we currently live, she set up the entire house as she wanted it.  About 6 months ago, my 2 ten year old cats became afraid to come out from under the bed since we took on a rescue dog.  She had a room set up as a spare bedroom.  I suggested that we put the cats in there and allow them some freedom.  This was met with not just a discussion of what would be best but an immediate defensive, blaming position on her part that culminated on her asking me on my birthday "doesn't changing that room bother you at all?"  I didn't change anything other than allowing the cats in there.  I explained I didn't want to discuss it on my birthday because it was such a sore spot and to this point we had gotten nowhere.  This was met with "F U, I don't care what day it is, I'm putting that room back the way I want it."  Following this came about 3 weeks worth of silence treatment.  I can see the splitting when it happens.  Just nice to have found a place where I can talk about this and know that I'm not crazy.

[Ozzie101]

You're not crazy.

One thing that's helped me somewhat is learning to really listen to my H. The thing is, with BPD, often what they seem to be upset about isn't what they're ACTUALLY upset about. Really listening to what your GF is saying, knowing her, can bring some insight. Once you know (or suspect) where the behavior is coming from, it can help you know how to respond.

For instance, recently, H got very upset about the flight schedule out of our local airport for Thanksgiving weekend. Disproportionately so. Was he annoyed at the inconvenience? Yes. But more than that, he's very anxious to find a good flight so we can go out of town and he won't be faced with the possibility of spending Thanksgiving with my family.

Do you think there could be something underneath her upset over the room? Jealousy of your cats (many people here have mentioned a partner's jealousy around pets)? A need for complete control over her home due to her history? Feelings of sensitivity and rejection around her home design?

Validation is key. So is listening with empathy. We have a couple of articles on both of those here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

I hope you'll take a look and let us know what you think. Do you think what's talked about there could be valuable to you?

[isilme]

I think for my BPDH he can't figure out what to do, fears failure, and so often just ignores me being sick.  He fears to be wrong so much, he'd prefer to not try.  This used to translate into holiday and birthday gifts, so I was quite hurt for a long time as he'd ignore birthdays and such, claiming he had no money, and yet he always had money (sometimes provided by me) for Spring break which always takes place at my birthday.  If they don't try, they can't fail.  Plus, not being able to process emotions is a big obstacle.  If you are like me, a main role is "support staff" and if the support staff isn't there, they don't know what to do.

Sometimes he can be compassionate, but there is always a time limit before he openly blows up at the inconsideration of my being ill.  I think the very longest has been about 3 solid days.  Since I do all housework, errands, yardwork arrangements, car care, pet care, my being out of commission is quite the inconvenience.