BPD sister in massive debt - what to do?

[SisterJ]

Hello everyone,

My older sister has BPD - she is the "quiet" type where she does not rage or become aggressive, but she is massively self-destructive and also extremely manipulative when it comes to getting her perceived needs met. I care for her a great deal, though, and have helped her a lot in various ways throughout the years, including helping her get psychiatric care and early retirement benefits due to her inability to keep a job. In many ways, her situation is stable (well, as stable as it can be...) and I believe that she is getting the best possible care available here.

The thing is that she has raked up massive amounts of debt over the years. Although she is highly intelligent, it is as if she lacks a basic understanding of money and spending. Or maybe she has this understanding, but due to low impulse control, she ignores it. Due to her getting early retirement benefits, she has a steady, if modest, income and, in theory, she should have enough to cover her expenses. However, she spends excessive amounts of money on cigarettes, junk food, gadgets, trinkets for her home, all kinds of crazy needless things...somehow I feel that she spends money she does not have in order to relieve boredom.This almost always results in that she panics around the 20th each month when she finds out that she doesn't have enough money to pay for rent or electricity or other basic stuff and over the years she has taken up so many horrible payday loans that she is now basically in bottomless debt.
I have just been through the third round of professionel debt counselling with her and, with her collaboration, we managed to make a budget for her which, if she sticks to it, should keep food on her table and a roof over her head, at least.

So, last night she texted me whether she could borrow the equivalent of $100...and I just lost it. From all the work we have done, I know that she would not need the $100 if she had stuck to her budget, so clearly she has not. I texted her back that I was sorry, but that I gave up - I could not help her anymore. She texted me back that she "shared my frustration with her inadequacy" - which somehow only enraged me more, as I was not looking for her to "share my frustration", but to take some semblance of responsibility for her own life. Uggggghhhh!

I really don't know what to do anymore. I am afraid that if I stop helping her and lending her these small amounts of money at the end of each month, she will instead seek out shady and possibly dangerous situations from where to get money instead. Please, can someone advise me on how to proceed? Thank you so much for any help in advance!

[Notwendy]

I really don't know what to do anymore. I am afraid that if I stop helping her and lending her these small amounts of money at the end of each month, she will instead seek out shady and possibly dangerous situations from where to get money instead.


Welcome to this board. I am sorry you are struggling with a sister with BPD, but there is a lot of experience here on this board.

It's very hard to watch someone you care about deal with this, and the solution isn't easy.

Many of us grew up feeling overly responsible for someone with BPD. By helping them, we've erred on the side of enabling.

It's kind of you to help your sister out financially, but when you do so, she doesn't face the consequences of her money mismanagement.

Consequences are a way to learn. It's a parenting skill- to let children face the consequences of some actions while protecting them. We surely protect children from any harm, but allow other consequences. For instance, if a child doesn't do their homework- a good lesson is to let them face the teacher and get a bad mark. If we do the homework for them, they don't learn this.

But we can't continue to protect grown adults from the consequences of financial irresponsibility.

If we see being too "helpful" as taking away the person's opportunity to learn, it doesn't seem so helpful.

Your sister won't learn to manage money as long as you continue to bail her out.

Yes, she might go to other sources, but then, she will face the consequences of that. But she also might learn.

Sometimes a person isn't motivated to change unless they face "hitting bottom". It's tough to allow this to happen, but it is also sometimes the only way for someone to gain the motivation to change. Your sister isn't motivated as long as you help her.

It may be tough to do this abruptly. It would probably be best to give her a warning. Sis, I will help this month but not next. She won't like it and may act out with you, but if you believe that this is a necessary step for her growth, then you can stay firm.

[SisterJ]

Thank you very much for your kind and thoughtful reply!

Deep down, I know that you are are right - that I may be enabling her. I guess I am just afraid that she will turn to stealing or fraud or worse and possibly end up in prison or homeless, and I just feel certain that she would not be able to survive that.

On a rational level, I know that this is twisted thinking on my part, but I guess I just feel that I, by refusing to help her anymore, am abandoning a child - and that you would not let a child manage money, let alone her own life. Maybe it is also because I seriously doubt her capability for growing and learning from "tough love" - as I said, she is highly intelligent, but has just done so many incredibly stupid things over the years which makes me believe she really does not understand the consequences of her own actions.

I know that I should probably just let go - it is just so hard to bear.

[Notwendy]

I have felt this way with my BPD widowed mother.

Dad took care of everything. When he got sick, I tried to step in to help manage the finances. It wasn't entirely selfless. I didn't want my mother to be broke or homeless, that would have been tough. She doesn't manage money.

She would have nothing of that. She wants total control and she has it. Eventually though, she realized that if she spent it, Dad wasn't putting it back. She still mismanages it, but I think she realizes she's on her own with this - really on her own because she has to be in charge of it.

Truly, I don't think I could manage my own mother being homeless, but I don't think that's going to happen. However it would be more about her age. She's elderly.

Your sister I assume isn't in her 80's but has the capacity to live on her own. It seems there are two choices- you continue to caretake her, or you let her manage on her own. Neither is easy.

My mother, knowing she's on her own now, has started to learn about money.

[No-One]

Hi Sister J:
Welcome!
I'm sorry about the situation with your sister.  I can tell you care about her  & her welfare.

I agree with NotWendy, she will never change if anyone keeps bailing her out.  If she were really making a good effort & had a valid emergency situation, it could be okay to help.  She will never stop compulsively spending on unneeded things, if she thinks she will be bailed out.

Just wondering if there is some way to put in some restrictions:
1. One account that certain funds are automatically deposited into & is used for monthly bills (& perhaps some automatic bill pay)

2.  Personal money (after bills) is cash only.  One theory is that if someone has to pay with cash, they are less spontaneous with spending.

3.  Get rid of debit card accounts & only one credit card for emergencies (if she can qualify for one)

4.  Perhaps it would help if she could agree to have some way to stash extra money in an account that she can't have easy access to?  Perhaps there is someone else that has to approve withdrawals?

If she could stop smoking, it would give her more pocket money.  She likely uses the cigarettes to self-medicate.  Perhaps there is a lower cost alternative?  Does she take any meds that could be helpful for her BPD & other mental health issues (possible anxiety & or depression or other conditions)?  Does she do proactive things to manage her stress?

[SisterJ]

Thank you, NotWendy and No-One, for your replies :-)

What I have been dreaming of for years is to have my sister agree to have a financial guardian - it is a free social service possibility where we live (in Denmark) for people who have chronic mental illnesses. Basically, it would mean that several of the suggestions you mention - cash only, no debit cards, etc - would be implemented in her life by social services. Only problem is that unless a person is suffering from psychosis or is otherwise deemed to not be aware of his or her actions, a person has to volunteer to subject to this, and my sister flat-out refuses to do so even though I am sure it would be so helpful to her. She fiercely defends her to right to control her own finances even though she clearly can't.

She is on meds for both anxiety and depression and has been for many years, and I think that she is fairly well-medicated in that regard - she doesn't cut or burn herself anymore and can get out of the house to meet friends, do groceries, etc. She does indeed use cigarettes to self-medicate along with massive amounts of food and sweets, which has resulted in her being morbidly obese.

When she was younger (she is 44 now), she was an accomplished track runner, and I would really wish for her to get back to exercising, not only for her physical health, but also due to that she was much more mentally stable when exercise still played a role in her life. Nowadays she basically just sits in her recliner chair chain-smoking and eating crisps all day.

[Turkish]

I went though this for years with my mother, starting in 1999 when I sent her $5k to save her property from foreclosure. I found out years later that she blew through $10k from a friend, and $10k from our mutual friends. Then it was unpaid property
Taxes which I helped her with.  She blew $5k on a get rich quick scheme, in addition to others. We were all enabling her, and I had sent her more money for utilities, and to fix the truck I had gifted her. Enough enabling!

Your sister is an independent entity, free to make her own choices, foolish or wise. My uBPD ex recently asked me to borrow $25k to pay her credit card debt. She got herself into that with her profligate spending. No.

[Notwendy]

I understand the frustration between the legal definition of mentally incompetent and seeing someone with a milder mental illness make poor decisions.

I struggled with this with my parents. My father was the most emotionally stable one. After he got ill, my mother took over more decision making and he went along with it. I got concerned and called social services. There response to me was noteworthy: "Your father is legally mentally competent to make his own bad decisions."

Basically, unless he or my mother fit the legal criteria of mentally incompetent I could not intervene and make decisions for them. Neither would they allow me to.

My BPD mother is elderly, but emotionally an unsupervised child. She makes her own decisions. Trying to be "rescuer" - enabler- in this situation is going along with dysfunction- it's best that I don't.  Enabling is different from being kind or helpful. It's a fine line to walk. But if someone gets themselves into financial trouble from their own over spending- it's their responsibility.

[SisterJ]

Thank you very much for your replies, Turkish and NotWendy. I know that you are both right - that however inept my sister is at handling her finances, I am probably enabling her. The other day my partner sarcastically commented that it was funny how my sister could always afford cigarettes, Coke, and new tattoos under even the seemingly most dire financial circumstances...

And you hit the nail on the head, NotWendy, regarding mental incompetence. Anyone who would just casually speak with my sister would think she is a normal reasonable person - so many times have I tried that social services think she is much more well-functioning than she is, because she is so good at pretending to be for the casual observer.

[Notwendy]

My mother could win an academy award for her public persona.

I have to keep in mind these laws protectct our own personal freedom. We are fortunate to not be subjected to excessive restrictions. Natural consequences are in place for financial transgressions.

I also would have a hard time if my mother didn't have basics like food or shelter. However, I would not like it if I was paying rent while she was out spending money on things like designer shoes. The only way anyone learns to budget is if they don't have people correct their mistakes. If your sister is buying tattoos and you are giving her rent money, this is keeping her from making a realistic budget.

[confusedsister19]

Thank you for sharing.
I also have a sister with BPD who has a massive amount of credit card debt. $6000+ to be exact. She is 22 years old and very irresponsible with her spending. Similar to your sister, she is very intelligent and I'm pretty sure she understands what she is doing. She just has a lack of control and has a very impulsive behavior. She spends money that she doesn't even have yet.

As a 19 year old college student I don't exactly have a lot of money, but she still asks me all the time to buy things for her. She says things like "Please get this for me now and I promise I will pay you back with interest the next time I get paid." and like an idiot I always believe her.

Lucky for her, my parents helped her pay off some of the debt, but the rest she had make arrangements with debt collectors.

I get where you are coming from when you say you are afraid to stop helping her. My sister constantly jokes about how she might fake a test to get adderall and start selling it. She knows that I don't like when she jokes about that, but I just try to remind myself that I can't control what she does with her life.

All we can do as siblings is showing them that you care about their wellbeing.

Another thing I am working on is putting my mental health first. I can try to help my sister all I want, but if I am not ok then I can't do much for my sister.
I understand that you don't want your sister to get involved in shady things AND you need to look out for yourself as well.

I try to use the word "and" instead of "but" because when you say:
 
"I understand that you don't want your sister to get involved in shady things, BUT you need to look out for yourself as well."

it just negates the entire first part of the sentence.

It is ok to be feel ambivalent.You can feel scared about cutting her off financially while also feeling pleasant about helping yourself.

I hope everything works out for you and again, thank you for sharing.

[Notwendy]

You sound like a very wise 19 year old!

The best thing you can do for yourself is do well in college. I saw that as my saving grace. My goal was to be financially independent from my parents as my BPD mother uses money as a form of control. Although she didn't work, she took control of any money my father earned and decided if I would get money for college or not.

I knew that as long as I was financially dependent on my parents, she'd control me.

I worked hard in college at my classes. I'm proud to say that after graduation I didn't need to ask parents for money. I wasn't well off- there were times I ate bologna for meals for weeks, but it was better than being in her control.

One thing to keep in mind- your sister's issues could take over the focus of the family. It won't make a difference to her if you sacrifice your own well being to help her. Neither will your success in college and career harm her- but it will help you. I encourage you to keep the focus on you and your studies.

There were times the family chaos upset me or became distracting. I knew to visit student health counseling to talk about it. Keep in mind they are there help you if you need it and it's OK to ask for help.

Good luck in school and much success!