Went NC this summer, BPDsis can’t handle it

[AbsurdAbusedSis]

javascript:void(0); - My birthday is coming up. I’m doing seperate celebrations with people that I feel close and safe with. I wonder how BPDsis will react to my birthday. Hers is coming up in a month. Even before going NC my gifts to her have been so "wrong" that she’s thrown tantrums, and raged for days. Sometimes I haven’t gifted her anything, and the same reaction ensues. What do you do for you BPD NCs?

- Also, for how long after you’ve decided to go NC have your pwBPD tried to manipulate you back? Does it only happen for special family occasions? Or does the random pattern of lashing out remain even years after going NC?

For the past two years I’ve kept things at LC, and even minimal contact, only showing up for family events. I’ve tried to communicate to my uBPDsis, and to the rest of my closest family that I need to protect myself to avoid further panic attacks and depression. I’ve been open about my process and goal towards healing from deep trauma caused in childhood.

My T told me 1 ½ years ago that I would need to break with my BPDsis. The thought frightened me so much then, that I claimed that I wouldn’t be able to do that without being harmed physically. I have since then kept a distance from BPDsis, been open about my need for buffers and boundaries with her, and had breaks from some birthday celebrations. My two other siblings (uNPD/BPD/ASPDbro and aspie-sis) have been surprisingly understanding about this. My mother has been stressed by the open conflict (we’re used to covering up the dysfunctionality of our NPDdad).

- This July I was ready to go NC with BPDsis. She noticed straight away(!) And reacted at once, but not to me. She phoned my mom, my other sis, my niece - creating a drama tornado. I was stressed, in a freeze zone, reading posts from this site, watching youtube videos about detaching from NPD and BPD people. I coped somehow, but was constantly frightened of what she might do to hurt me. My T had told me to call the police at any threat from her. I’ve kept that in mind. I’ve limited her access to my profiles in social media, I’ve blocked her number. But not anything else. She is all about control and territory, so she is apparently accepting my NC.

But often this past month, and today she has tried to manipulate me back through our mom, who she’s been calling up to yell at for hours. Our mom wants us to be friends, but is relucantly starting to see my point. Which is that I wasn’t born in to this world to be my sisters victim of blame, jealousy, negative energy or any other kind of verbal abuse. I too, am worthy of a happy life.

The freshest problem of the day is that BPDsis baby son is getting baptised, and she wants me there. I am saying no. There’s no change in her behavior. She doesn’t know what I’m reacting to (although, she does, really. I’ve told her many times; see a T, apology for your spite and evil, regret, repent).

The final straw for going NC was actually the birth of her baby son. When I met BPDsis and her newborn son, together with my aspie-sis and mom in June, I saw that BPDsis was still being very NPD, rude, hurtful, controlling, insensitive towards all of us. And all of us felt trapped by the situation - we can’t set boundaries for her, because then she will lash out, and her baby son will pick up on the energy. We were protecting him, which meant we couldn’t protect ouselves. It’s not healthy for anyone. But I’m the only one who goes NC. I’ve booked a Christmas vacation abroad, just for me. javascript:void(0); So that nobody can ruin the best holiday I know.

Phew... That was a lot. I’m processing and sorting facts from fiction, the best I can. I just had to tell mom that there’s no point in being alive if one is destined to be my sisters victim of torture and bullying. That got through to her . But she is still convinced that siblings has to stay friends, not accepting that I’m a victim. She thinks I should continue to accept the abuse, like she does. Mom is intellectual, emphatic, sensibel, wise, clever, kind, caring. But as she too is enmeshed in this family relation she remains faithful to her parents strict rule of accepting everything even if your self worth is suffering from it. It makes me sad, and a bit angry for her
 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome AbsurdAbusedSis, 

You've found a great place to come and find others who will listen and encourage you. It definitely sounds as if there is a whole lot going on in your life! I like the idea that you put into motion to go abroad for a vacation at Christmas time. That's a nice boundary, even if you are given a hard time by your family for doing so. Well done! 

A lot of what you shared reminds me of the Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle. Have you heard of it before? Your family members are using one another to keep pulling you back into the drama, but you don't have to participate, even if they are on the triangle all by themselves without you.

Here is another helpful topic that works not only with a BPD but also with anyone that may be a difficult person in your life. We call it Don't JADE. I find myself practicing this in so many situations!

I'd love to hear your thoughts about these when you have time to read them.

 
Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi AbsurdAbusedSis

To protect yourself and preserve your own well-being, it is indeed very important to have boundaries and take steps to shield and distance yourself from the drama and negativity. I am sorry your sister has been such a problematic figure in your life, it's definitely not easy having a disordered sibling who behaves the way she does.

So did you already have your birthday celebrations? Can we already congratulate you?

But she is still convinced that siblings has to stay friends, not accepting that I’m a victim. She thinks I should continue to accept the abuse, like she does. Mom is intellectual, emphatic, sensibel, wise, clever, kind, caring. But as she too is enmeshed in this family relation she remains faithful to her parents strict rule of accepting everything even if your self worth is suffering from it. It makes me sad, and a bit angry for her

We are all responsible for the choices we make. If your mother wants to make the choice of accepting the abuse, that's a choice she can make for herself. You can make your own and different choices now though, as an adult you get te decide what type of behavior you deem acceptable and what not.

A few days have passed since you posted this. How are things now?

The Board Parrot