Light As A Fairy?

[cbusmom]

So very happy that I have found this place.

I have 2 adult sons with BPD. One is diagnosed and very newly in treatment with a psychotherapist. Technically in the home is myself, my husband and nonbpd son (16) but since a recent loss of relationship my adultBPD son (22) has been staying at my house. My husband is stepdad to all but our youngest son. He has his own place and goes there daily to tend to his dog but basically he is paying rent for the dog to have a place to live. He struggles with fear of being alone. I hope that the therapist can help with this. I am also seeing the therapist in hope of learning how to detach without feeling like I am throwing him to the wolves. I look forward to getting to know the people here.

After reading the board for a couple of days I keep seeing the term 'light as a fairy' in how to interact. I have searched and cant seem to find a post that actually gives a definition and examples.

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hi cbusmom,



I'm not a parent of a child with BPD, but my ex has traits and Mt mother is BPD.

I haven't seen the term "light as a fairy" but it sounds good, try not to trigger. Have you seen the lessons at the top of the board?

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE

It's a lot of info. The most basic communicating tool is SET. See the link to the discussion at the end. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

People with BPD feel that their feelings are worthless, and therefore that they are worthless (and unworthy of love). Validating goes a long way to reducing conflict. Tell us what you think and if that might be helpful. 

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi cbusmom
Welcome to the group. I am glad you are here. I commend you for your determination to detach with love. I am in that place with my BPD son as well. Light as a fairy means keeping a conversation casual and away from potentially explosive topics.
Hugs
Faith

[livednlearned]

Hi cbusmom,

Do you have two sons with BPD? Or one? Either way, I'm glad you found the site 

Does your son accept his diagnosis? Did the loss of his recent relationship play a role in his diagnosis?

It sounds like you've all had to make an adjustment so S22 can be in the home. How is that going for everyone? What kinds of behaviors are you most concerned about?

Fear of being alone is a big one for my stepdaughter (22) too. She requires tremendous amounts of reassurance, so for me, being light as a fairy is also asking her validating questions so that she feels heard while solving things for herself, even when it would be easier for me to do something for her.

[cbusmom]

Hi cbusmom,

Do you have two sons with BPD? Or one? Either way, I'm glad you found the site 

Does your son accept his diagnosis? Did the loss of his recent relationship play a role in his diagnosis?

It sounds like you've all had to make an adjustment so S22 can be in the home. How is that going for everyone? What kinds of behaviors are you most concerned about?

Fear of being alone is a big one for my stepdaughter (22) too. She requires tremendous amounts of reassurance, so for me, being light as a fairy is also asking her validating questions so that she feels heard while solving things for herself, even when it would be easier for me to do something for her.

Hi Livednlearned
I have 2 sons that I believe have BPD. S1BPD is the 22 yr old in my home at the moment. S2BPD, 27 yr old, lives with his girlfriend. One doesnt have an official diagnosis but the psychotherapist does think he fits the criteria. 7 of 8. The other doesnt have any diagnosis but he has very much the same behavior but to a lesser degree. My other BPD son is currently in a relationship but his BPD showed itself recently. They worked through it but I fear it will happen again and I dont know how long her loving him will be enough for her to have to deal with his bad behavior.

The behaviors of BPD1 that I am most concerned with is...
the self harm and suicide threats. The anger and splitting which ruins his relationships. The fear of being alone.
He has never made an actual attempt that I am aware of. So far I think it is more that threatening it is an expression of how much pain he is in.
The anger and yelling is very hard on me and my husband and youngest son. I am trying to learn not to engage and defend myself against his accusations. I do think that my need to defend my character has led to our relationship being so stormy.

I am having a lot of anxiety wondering about the success of BPD's who have such an aversion to being alone ever being able to live their life in their own place. I am truly scared that he (or both of my BPD sons) will be with me forever and I hate myself for feeling that way. My S2 is way more high functioning than S1 but neither really have had a successful living situation on their own.  Are there any success stories of

[FaithHopeLove]

Are there any success stories

Yes. The first thread at the top of the page is full of success stories. It can get better.

[livednlearned]

It's ok to not want to live with your adult sons their whole lives! Parenting was never meant to be a lifelong affair. I was reading a book about other species and how they launch their offspring and in one species (an eagle, I think) they talk about how the parents begin to engage in "parental meanness" when one of the babies resists leaving the nest. 

You are in good company here. It's a natural instinct to defend yourself when someone is attacking your character. What we learn here is how to be effective versus how to be right during those attacks.

For reasons that are deeply rooted in BPD, it's hard to address problems directly so many of us have to learn new skills that effectively diffuse conflict. It's much easier to do that if we can create a validating environment, and that takes practice and patience and self-compassion as you learn to change your own responses.

Success can mean many different things. It may be helpful to focus on a tiny little change like less raging. Or a bigger goal like having him move out. Or getting him into some kind of DBT program.

Or it can be more focused on your self-care and finding ways to make sure you matter.

I had to break down my hopes and dreams into a list and chip away at it item by item and it's rewarding to look back and see how much progress has been made, even if things are far from perfect.

There's also a book called Beyond Borderline which contains essays by people whose BPD symptoms have gone into remission. 

[PeaceMom]

I agree with LNL that we were not meant to “parent” their whole lives. I am finally able to fully admit that I want mine to live  out of the house and be fully functioning adults.

I can’t  compare myself to my friends with high functioning, emotionally mature, independent young adults kids who remark to me about how “sad, lost, lonely and unneeded” they feel now that the 21 yr olds have graduated college and are living and working independently. Dr Lobel states that there are 2 kinds of CoDependents and almost everyone w/a BPD kid is a “reluctant co-D” vs a “voluntary co-D”. This was a lightbulb moment as I knew something was different, but  couldn’t figure out what.

[FaithHopeLove]

Dr Lobel states that there are 2 kinds of CoDependents and almost everyone w/a BPD kid is a “reluctant co-D” vs a “voluntary co-D”. This was a lightbulb moment as I knew something was different, but  couldn’t figure out what.

That is a lightbulb moment for me too.