Mother’s mixed messages

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So I posted a little while back about my BPD mom having breast cancer and her history of using illness to manipulate my brother and I. I’ve been NC with my mom for a couple of years and it has been really good for my mental health.

I did not respond to her first email about being sick because it included a paragraph about how we (it was sent to both my brother and I) are just ungrateful people who are angry at her because she didn’t buy us enough gifts when we were kids. I told myself a while back I wouldn’t respond to her when she lashes out.

My mother and I have never discussed why I went no contact (a history of neglect and emotional abuse that continued into my 30s) and she’s never asked. Every contact she’s made since I went NC has involved her lashing out and diminishing my feelings. She assumes all kinds of ridiculous things about why I’m not talking to her. She’s even used social media to drag my brother and I mercilessly, having long conversations with my aunts about how terrible we are. Before I blocked her, she even tagged me in a few so I would read them.

Today she sent an update email about her health. But again, it included this really passive aggressive meme about how mothers should be treated and a quote about forgetting the past. I know she’s scared and lonely. I feel for her. I genuinely want to comfort her (albeit from a distance—we live in different cities) but these kinds of digs just harden me.

Why can’t she just ask for help without also twisting the knife? I know the answer—it’s bpd. She doesn’t comprehend my existence except in relation to her feelings of need and hurt. This is precisely the reason I can’t be around her.  Still, I feel like a jerk. You know what I mean?

[etown]

So I posted a little while back about my BPD mom having breast cancer and her history of using illness to manipulate my brother and I. I’ve been NC with my mom for a couple of years and it has been really good for my mental health.

I did not respond to her first email about being sick because it included a paragraph about how we (it was sent to both my brother and I) are just ungrateful people who are angry at her because she didn’t buy us enough gifts when we were kids. I told myself a while back I wouldn’t respond to her when she lashes out.

My mother and I have never discussed why I went no contact (a history of neglect and emotional abuse that continued into my 30s) and she’s never asked. Every contact she’s made since I went NC has involved her lashing out and diminishing my feelings. She assumes all kinds of ridiculous things about why I’m not talking to her. She’s even used social media to drag my brother and I mercilessly, having long conversations with my aunts about how terrible we are. Before I blocked her, she even tagged me in a few so I would read them.

Today she sent an update email about her health. But again, it included this really passive aggressive meme about how mothers should be treated and a quote about forgetting the past. I know she’s scared and lonely. I feel for her. I genuinely want to comfort her (albeit from a distance—we live in different cities) but these kinds of digs just harden me.

Why can’t she just ask for help without also twisting the knife? I know the answer—it’s bpd. She doesn’t comprehend my existence except in relation to her feelings of need and hurt. This is precisely the reason I can’t be around her.  Still, I feel like a jerk. You know what I mean?

[pursuingJoy]

Hi etown! 

Still, I feel like a jerk. You know what I mean?

This is tough on so many levels. In some ways, it's an opportunity to exercise that new differentiation muscle you're developing - believing that you're not responsible for her emotions - because it's challenging this new value of yours that you are independent of her. Can't develop the muscle unless it's got some resistance, right? On the other hand, I sense a genuine sadness in you, like you want to be supportive of her right now, but you know full well what that would mean.

Does it help to imagine that she is capable of finding other sources of support or are you just frustrated that she keeps trying to poke at you? Something else? I know it makes you feel bad.

[etown]

Hi pursuingjoy,

Thanks for your response.

Does it help to imagine that she is capable of finding other sources of support or are you just frustrated that she keeps trying to poke at you? Something else? I know it makes you feel bad.

It does help to imagine she's capable of finding other sources of support (I think... I hope...). But there's a part of me that is so trained to see myself as the cause for her pain, even when it's obviously not me.

This is the woman who took an overdose of pain killers at my going away party when I was 18 rather than tell me that she would miss me and didn't want me to go. Her response mechanisms are so out of whack. I just am not the right person to care for her because I feel like I would only end up hurting both of us, but she absolutely will not hear that. She'll take or do anything for attention. She maintained a relationship with her own abusive alcoholic father who didn't give a thought about anyone other than himself because for her, any attention is good attention. I guess I feel protective of her, you know? Plus there's the inherent guilt that comes of not being a good child. What kind of monster doesn't want to talk to a parent who has cancer?

It's like she mixes up the greeting card version of a mother with the mother she actually is/was. And she's so unaware of the long history of harm she's committed that she can only see me in terms of some cartoonish adult-child who is putting her own well-being over that of her mother.

Man, I could go on forever with this if I let myself. This is what bothers me--she is so unaware (or perhaps she's aware and doesn't care) that she has the power to knock me into a spiral of guilt and trauma.

[pursuingJoy]

I guess I feel protective of her, you know?

This is worth looking at. My 10 year old stepdaughter also feels very protective of her NPD mom. Mom calls drunk at midnight, SD coaches her through her tears, making sure she gets in the house safely. SD knows things she shouldn't know and constantly reassures her mom that she is the favorite parent. My husband can't see the harm done to his own daughter because he was raised that way and thinks it's normal. It genuinely breaks my heart to know that you, my SD, my husband, and so many others have gone through this.

But is it wrong to feel protective of a parent? If something feels off, it helps me to think about what could/should be. What's healthy parenting? Healthy parents take responsibility for their mental and physical health. They encourage independence and autonomy in their children, see a therapist or talk to a friend if they're lonely or navigating difficulty. An emotionally healthy mom who was diagnosed with cancer would go to regular check ups, follow Dr's recommendations, provide accurate updates for her concerned children, accept help from family and others with gratitude. She would not weaponize her diagnosis to guilt people into caring for her.

What kind of monster doesn't want to talk to a parent who has cancer?

You're not a monster. Just like others in this forum, you're an adult in the pursuit of emotional wellbeing. Your mom should be so proud of you for doing that. Unfortunately, she can't see beyond her own needs. 

Re: your desire to protect and care for your mom, which is in conflict with your desire to remain NC: my BPD MIL desperately wants me to take care of her, move in with us, go shopping with me, have me drive her everywhere. It's excessive and draining. I battled through guilt and found creative ways to stay true to my tolerance levels AND love her in the ways I could - tiling her bathroom, painting, ordering an ancestry kit and doing genealogy research for her. I needed to do those things for her because it's important to me to be a supportive, loving DIL and wife.

If you feel strongly that one should protect and love a parent, will it make you more conflicted, angry and sad to completely disregard that value? Is there a way to creatively honor that value AND respect your desire to remain NC? Set aside some money to help her with medical bills, deliver the funds through a family friend? Anonymously order a few meals to be delivered to her house when she's undergoing treatment? Anonymous gift card for a manicure or massage? Even a thoughtful, anonymous card? For your sake, maybe write a letter you wish you could send outlining your desire to care for her and the reasons you can't?

Man, I could go on forever with this if I let myself. This is what bothers me--she is so unaware (or perhaps she's aware and doesn't care) that she has the power to knock me into a spiral of guilt and trauma.

Regardless of the other person's motivation or awareness, I hear you on this. I'm no expert, but in my experience, it gets easier to refuse to jump on the spiral. My current mantra is, "They can put the blame on me but I don't have to carry it." The outcome of your mom's diagnosis is not yours to carry. What part of this is yours? Is there more processing and grieving to do? What are your values and how can you stay true to them? What options do you have?

[Maya L]

If you do feel at a point that you want to answer her could you set some boundaries for it? Like replying to her that you won’t answer her unless she is polite to you. That you are happy to reply any messages where she is writing nicely, but that she won’t get a reply to sarcastic, impolite tones or messages where she is complains about you. Explain that you don’t want that negativity right now.

I think pursuingJoy had some nice thoughts too on how to still care for her without contact. Good ideas!

[madeline7]

yep, I know what you mean when you say you still feel like a jerk. My elderly uBPBm is in an Assisted Living, and staying in her apartment and very waif like at the moment. Of course she raged when she got there, and it was her own decision to go but hates being there. Her rage at me was over the top this time, and she said and did things that were beyond hurtful. Thankfully I was already in the process of detachment when this move happened. I am maintaining LC and seeing her once a week, but at present am staying strong and my priority is taking care of myself and my family. When I start to feel guilty that I am not being the kind of daughter who is there for her mother, I re frame my thinking. That's when I am proud of myself for still having LC and maintaining some type of a so called relationship with a Mother who was not only not nurturing, but a Mother who shows no care and love for their daughter. A shift in my perspective (very hard to do and years in the making) has been life changing. Even so, I still struggle at times with this. Because I thankfully, am a caring and nurturing person, so it feels un natural for me to do this, but there is no middle ground with my BPDm.

[Turkish]

it’s bpd. She doesn’t comprehend my existence except in relation to her feelings of need and hurt

A decent enough approximation of the internal world of a pwBPD.  My ex once told me, I just want everyone else to feel my pain!" Just this week, she invalidated both of our children at back to school night, making it about her. 

Can you focus on validating her likely feelings of being scared and lonely without telling her how she feels?

pJ- have you read the feature article at the top of the board on emotional incest? Your SD is being cast into a therapist role.  You know it's damaging.  You may not want to send that to your husband because it's from this site, but there are plenty of articles out there about covert or emotional incest. Shame on her mother!  But well, she's sick... you can't fix that, but SD10 certainly shouldn't be.