Mixed feelings about seeing ex again

[clvrnn]

Hello all, I hope everyone is well 

I have just been going through my old posts (of which there seem to be a lot!) and it's been a strange read. I hadn't realised I'd made so many posts, and I really appreciate all of the advice given to my ramblings.

My basic story is just that I met someone at uni and we started "hanging out" with each other, and just general push/pull and some anger over what I thought were minor things. A final break up happened when she'd taken me to her sister's, perceived my mood as "bad" and had an anger outburst in front of everyone there then kicked me out for "making her angrier" despite me trying to calm the situation down/sitting down on a sofa quietly. She then broke up with me via message  about an hour later. Had some intermittent contact with her and she said we could be friends, but after a final rant towards me on the phone just before she said that, she stopped responding to me altogether and I haven't spoken to her in months.

I seem to have reached a period in where my depression has come back very strongly, and I am on medication for anxiety - I personally feel as if this is triggered by the imminent return to university. I don't think she'll talk to me, as too much time has passed, and I'm not looking forward to being in that space where she avoids/ignores me.

I feel, a lot of the time, as if I want to reach out and apologise/try and reconnect, but the fear of her avoiding me is too great and I can't put myself there again. I'm not sure why I made this post, I think I am just venting maybe - the past few weeks have been very hard, both emotionally and psychologically.

I seem to be in a weird space where at times it feels like sadness from the break ups and the loss, but then there is worry and sadness over returning to uni and not having her as a person to be around (even though it was often quite difficult) - and then the finality of uni ending and never seeing her again. I wrote a lot on here about this a few months back, and thought that by the time uni got closer I might feel better. But there just seems to be a new set of feelings in place, with only four weeks to go.

Knowing that she's probably been involved with someone else and that really it was months ago that she ended things means I'm probably not even on her mind anymore, and that's quite upsetting - even though she has every right to move on/forwards.

I'd like to reach out but for many reasons I just can't. I've thought about just doing it, then I'd know what the score will be at uni, but I don't want to look vulnerable again, if I'm honest.

[hmf2234]

it's ok to vent, I myself come here to do just that. I'm sure my friends and family are tired of me bringing up the same ol BS for so long so its good to let it out here among people who could actually relate.

I understand the sadness you feel as that was my head space for months up until recently and I feel for you brother, I hated being in that space and I am happy I am finally free of those chains, or so i hope. Hopefully I don't end up jynxing myself after saying that.

I am thankful my ex moved 1000 miles away to live with another guy because seeing her on a semi regular basis would most likely still have me messed up in the head. Dealing with that must be hard and I am sorry you have to go through that.

Just because she hasn't reached out does not mean you are not on her mind. I haven't spoke with my ex in almost 3 months and the other day I seen her share a quote that said "I cooked for dudes I should poisoned". It did kind of hurt for a few seconds because I thought about everything I did for this girl, yet this is what she feels about me... then I thought about it, she's posting this because clearly I am still on her mind even though she lives with someone else now. Her opinion of me is ultimately irrelevant, she thinks what she thinks because she is broken.

Do not contact her, suffer through it, fight it, occupy your time somehow. Healing is an ugly beast you have to fight through to get to the other side. I promise you, that once you tackle this beast, the other side is absolutely beautiful.

[CryWolf]

Hey, there. I understand your pain. My ex is in my class currently. I tried speaking to her a few days ago and was shut down as I am painted black still.

what are your reasons for reaching out?

[clvrnn]

Hey, there. I understand your pain. My ex is in my class currently. I tried speaking to her a few days ago and was shut down as I am painted black still.

what are your reasons for reaching out?

Hey - I'm sorry to hear that. I think I commented on one of your posts, too.

I'm not sure really. After she ended things, it was all a bit messy and she just stopped talking to me after telling me we could be friends, which was confusing. It led to months of anxiety, believing that she hated me - not knowing the reason for the silence, reaching out a few times and getting no response. I think for me, it would be a  combination of trying to 'clear the air' and maybe finding out why she didn't respond, probably a tiny bit of wanting to reconnect with her but also just - I know I'm not going to see her after uni ends (this is the final year) and to me it just seems sad that things were left like that, after we'd been so close. I don't meet a lot of people I get on with (or meet a lot of people in general) so... I suppose the connection meant a lot to me.

[CryWolf]

Wow man, your story resonates with me.

My ex also wanted to be friends, however I put a boundary that I wanted to be lovers and couldn’t do this back and forth. She also gave me silent treatment til this day. It’s been over a year. We also met in Uni. ANd now both graduate as it’s our last semester.

I also wanted to clear the air, grab coffee. Maybe recycle, who knows?  But I understand, you became so close with someone and it’s sad that things are the way they are. I also think my ex hates me.

Would you consider making first contact with your ex, to know you did all you could?

[clvrnn]

CryWolf, wow, seems almost an identical story! I think if it wasn't for uni, the whole moving on process would be less complicated, to be honest.

Would you consider making first contact with your ex, to know you did all you could?

Hmm. I don't think, at this stage, I would consider it. After a lot of thought, I don't think I want to pursue her anymore. I still have a lot of feelings, most of them feelings I don't really understand... but I have done nothing but pursued this person, for almost two years. After every avoidance, every silence, every insult that's been directed at me.  I think to show my cards again by contacting her after four months of silence would be a mistake. What would that say to her? To me, it would say,

"I don't mind what abuse you direct at me, you can ignore me and I'll still be here, trying again to get your approval and attention because that's just how low I value and respect myself"

I have nothing against anyone that tries to contact their exes - I've done it many times. But with her, I don't think it is something I should do, anymore. That's not to say I don't want to, but I think I know it's something that would be a mistake.

Another thing is that it's been six months since she 'discarded' me. That's a long time. She may well have been involved with someone else by this point - someone who she may deem 'better' than me, or who she had better experiences with. I don't want her to look at my message and think, "ugh, go away".

I also don't want to contact her and then have to go back to uni and be embarrassed that I kept contacting her after six months, and feel all of that rejection again. It's so sad that things are like this, really.

Of course, it's possible that she regretted what she did, and wanted to talk to me, or didn't date anyone else and thinks about me, blah blah. Because I have depression and anxiety, I think the worst anyway and think everyone dislikes me. For example, I fell out with a friend and I was convinced she hated me and was living life, glad to be rid of me. Months later she emailed me and said she missed me and thought about me every day - that surprised me and made me realise that what I think isn't always true.

I don't know. I think my only real choice is to just wait and see what happens at uni. I miss her but I think I have already put in a lot of work in terms of trying to reconnect and whatever else, and I don't know if I want to do it anymore. I think I'd want her to contact me first, if anything.

[clvrnn]

Strange, this healing process. Despite having written all of the above, I do want to make contact. There are just so many things that are stopping me, so many negative outcomes. And really, if we did get back together - nothing will change. So. I just feel kind of trapped, really. I wish she would reach out, if nothing else so that we could wrap things up, clear the air. But I doubt that will ever happen.

My best friend has moved out of the home she shared with her partner, and is making good progress in her life, which I'm pleased about... but I feel like I'm dragging her down and have started talking to her less. Don't currently have the money for therapy, and I do miss the company of my ex. I don't want to really involve myself in any dating scene at the moment, it would be wrong and pointless... I just feel very lonely all the time.

Trying to fill the last of my free time before uni with hobbies and whatever, but still feel some kind of emptiness and sadness that doesn't seem to be going away. Suicidal thoughts still coming and going, but I'm used to them now. I just feel as if maybe this is how it's always going to be? I don't know.

[clvrnn]

it's ok to vent, I myself come here to do just that. I'm sure my friends and family are tired of me bringing up the same ol BS for so long so its good to let it out here among people who could actually relate.

I understand the sadness you feel as that was my head space for months up until recently and I feel for you brother, I hated being in that space and I am happy I am finally free of those chains, or so i hope. Hopefully I don't end up jynxing myself after saying that.

I am thankful my ex moved 1000 miles away to live with another guy because seeing her on a semi regular basis would most likely still have me messed up in the head. Dealing with that must be hard and I am sorry you have to go through that.

Just because she hasn't reached out does not mean you are not on her mind. I haven't spoke with my ex in almost 3 months and the other day I seen her share a quote that said "I cooked for dudes I should poisoned". It did kind of hurt for a few seconds because I thought about everything I did for this girl, yet this is what she feels about me... then I thought about it, she's posting this because clearly I am still on her mind even though she lives with someone else now. Her opinion of me is ultimately irrelevant, she thinks what she thinks because she is broken.

Do not contact her, suffer through it, fight it, occupy your time somehow. Healing is an ugly beast you have to fight through to get to the other side. I promise you, that once you tackle this beast, the other side is absolutely beautiful.

Thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry to hear you went through it, but yeah, that move away sounds like it would have been good in giving you the space to process and heal. I know what you mean about people getting bored of hearing the same stuff; I can't talk to my best friend any more even though I know she doesn't mind, but when you can feel yourself repeating everything it's just boring and embarrassing.

Every day I just do my best not to contact her. I wish I could and everything slot back into place, but there just seems to be so many reasons why I shouldn't. You're right also, maybe I am on her mind. I wonder how she will react to seeing me at university - who knows. Just have to keep going forwards, no other choice.

[clvrnn]

I just needed to vent somewhere I’d be understood. For months I was worried about my ex having met someone else. I saw a playlist on her Spotify profile with a name - Dylan - and then she changed the name so I thought maybe she made the whole thing up.

Tonight (it’s months later by the way) I just randomly thought to check out Dylan on Spotify, having known who he was and what his surname was. He’s got a playlist with her name. It hasn’t been updated since April, so they might not even still be together but... it has made me feel really upset and sick, to be honest. I really had hoped she hadn’t been involved with anyone else, and now it’s been proven that she has. I don’t know what to do.

I have been crying and feel even worse about returning to uni. I'd hoped she hadn't been involved with anyone else, but it's confirmed now. I had my suspicions but thought maybe I was just being paranoid. But it's real. So I imagine she definitely won't engage with me

The date of his playlist being made was the 19th April, which was three days after I'd written out my final email/contact to her. So while I was being ignored they were loved up and making playlists for each other. Now I know why I was getting ignored. I get it now.