My first attempt at outreach for help and to find community

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, this is my first real attempt at outreach for help on this topic and I have no idea what information is pertinent/helpful, or even what I need to say, but I’ve gotta start somewhere ^^; so here goes:
I’ve been with my partner for almost 8 years. It has certainly had its ups and downs, but the problems really did begin te first time we had an actual, huge fight. It was a big one, and any relationship would need some rebuilding after what happened to us (too long a story), but it was five years ago and, to hear him occasionally tell it, it may as well have been yesterday.

Since then he’s been equal parts trusting and distant with me. He’ll tell me he can never trust me ever again and the whole relationship is a farce, but he also named me as his medical proxy and trusts me with medical and career decisions perfectly. He claims I’m pretending to be part of his family (when I’m *so clearly* not) if I meet up with his brother while I travel, but he also encourages me to chat with his brother on a more everyday basis (we all play D&D sometimes), and if i order pizza for myself and my kids, and I don’t include him in the order, suddenly I’m the hypocrite who doesn’t see him as family. And so very many more examples.

He grew up an Air Force brat and his parents were stationed all around the world, and he does have generalized anxiety disorder very strongly, so it was quite a while before I started to see that whatever’s going on with him is more complex and fraught than that. He definitely has a crippling fear of loneliness and abandonment, and that seems to be the main root for him, but when he’s creating his own narrative in such stark black and white terms, it’s really hard to help him.

He does not have a firm diagnosis of BPD. He did a few couples therapy sessions with me and my therapist a while back, and we talked about what we’d observed, and it was definitely more than anxiety. I’ve found that when I handle him as though he has BPD, and treat his tirades as splits, he becomes both more responsive to support and easier for me to live with. I really want to do more to help him, but  I know he’s not mine to solve; I also know that telling him my suspicion here is more likely to backfire than help.

That was a lot of word vomit ^^;; right now I’m not in acute need; he’s currently not talking to me, but I know he will again and it’ll be calmer. I guess this wall of introduction is just a way for me to say the world’s longest hello, provide some rough sketches of my loved one, and hopefully find community among others who understand.

Thanks for listening :-)

[Olviasan]

So, this is my first real attempt at outreach for help on this topic and I have no idea what information is pertinent/helpful, or even what I need to say, but I’ve gotta start somewhere ^^; so here goes:
I’ve been with my partner for almost 8 years. It has certainly had its ups and downs, but the problems really did begin te first time we had an actual, huge fight. It was a big one, and any relationship would need some rebuilding after what happened to us (too long a story), but it was five years ago and, to hear him occasionally tell it, it may as well have been yesterday.

Since then he’s been equal parts trusting and distant with me. He’ll tell me he can never trust me ever again and the whole relationship is a farce, but he also named me as his medical proxy and trusts me with medical and career decisions perfectly. He claims I’m pretending to be part of his family (when I’m *so clearly* not) if I meet up with his brother while I travel, but he also encourages me to chat with his brother on a more everyday basis (we all play D&D sometimes), and if i order pizza for myself and my kids, and I don’t include him in the order, suddenly I’m the hypocrite who doesn’t see him as family. And so very many more examples.

He grew up an Air Force brat and his parents were stationed all around the world, and he does have generalized anxiety disorder very strongly, so it was quite a while before I started to see that whatever’s going on with him is more complex and fraught than that. He definitely has a crippling fear of loneliness and abandonment, and that seems to be the main root for him, but when he’s creating his own narrative in such stark black and white terms, it’s really hard to help him.

He does not have a firm diagnosis of BPD. He did a few couples therapy sessions with me and my therapist a while back, and we talked about what we’d observed, and it was definitely more than anxiety. I’ve found that when I handle him as though he has BPD, and treat his tirades as splits, he becomes both more responsive to support and easier for me to live with. I really want to do more to help him, but  I know he’s not mine to solve; I also know that telling him my suspicion here is more likely to backfire than help.

That was a lot of word vomit ^^;; right now I’m not in acute need; he’s currently not talking to me, but I know he will again and it’ll be calmer. I guess this wall of introduction is just a way for me to say the world’s longest hello, provide some rough sketches of my loved one, and hopefully find community among others who understand.

Thanks for listening :-)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you've done some learning and are working to understand how to interact most effectively with your partner.  Good work!    What's been a helpful strategy you've used?  Are there any trouble spots you could share with us?

RC