Setting boundaries terrifies me

[WalkbyFaith]

Husband and I are scheduling our yearly visit to my family (live across the country but we go and see them every year; they do not visit us). After last year's visit, we decided that the healthiest choice is to shorten our trips. Too much time with my uBPDm is difficult. We end every visit burnt out, frustrated, and drained. So this year we have decided to cut the length of the trip nearly in half. The problem is I am terrified to tell my M this decision. She is not going to take it well, as she already feels our visits are not long enough. I have never talked with her about BPD and I'm not ready to, but if we are going to follow through on this, I do need to be prepared to explain our decision...and prepared to stick to it through the FOG. But I am so nervous.

[Kwamina]

Hi WalkbyFaith

How long until you'll be visiting your family? When you visit them, will you also be staying with them?

The thought of setting boundaries can be quite scary and overwhelming when you've been raised by a BPD parent. Have you in the past ever set boundaries with your mother before?

Since the trips take such a toll on you and your husband, I think it's wise that you are considering what you can do to protect yourself from your mother's difficult behaviors, such as shortening the trip.

Just as making the trip (or not) is your decision to make, so too is whether you shorten the trip or not.

The Board Parrot

[Notwendy]

I limit the time with my BPD mother. I don't discuss it and don't tell her why. That would be a lot of drama and trying to say it's because of her won't work well.

I usually say something like "it's the only time we have from work" or I tell her the schedule and that's it.

I also don't stay with her. It may cost more to have our own place, but having a place to be where I'm not dealing with her for long periods of time helps me to stay calm.

Your mom may not like it, but you are visiting her and also taking care of yourself. Self care is important.

[madeline7]

I am working on decreasing what I call my "back story", or JADE, particularly the justify/explain part. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and my reaction to the FOG was going into JADE mode automatically. Now that I am taking better care of myself, I am consciously working on saying no without giving a back story. I do admit that I often make up a story that isn't true, like a work commitment, etc, but I no longer embellish and go on and on with my explanation. It is not east to break this cycle, but it is working. I am trying to stay LC, and limited means just that.

[Harri]

Hi.   

What are you afraid of?  Can you put it into words here so we can look at it?

I do need to be prepared to explain our decision...and prepared to stick to it through the FOG. But I am so nervous.

Being nervous is, I think, natural and to be expected.  A lot of the FOG we experience in this situation is FOG from our own thinking and still reacting to things in the present the ways we did when we were kids.  The fact is, we are not kids anymore, we are no longer powerless and dependent on our family members to survive.     Yes, we want to do what we can to keep conflict to a minimum and we want to take control of our own lives and move beyond the past. 

So it is okay to feel nervous and fear.  We can help you decide how you want to respond to anything she may say to you and help you with some coping strategies.

When you talk about preparing an explanation, i would keep it simple and not get into any discussion about BPD (not ever).  Have you read the article Don't JADE?  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  doing these things creates circular arguments and can often start a drama triangle.  In addition, it can make it seem like we are guilty and have something to defend.  The fact is, you are an adult and have your own life and you get to decide when and how long you want to visit.  You can also decide to stay elsewhere. 

[GaGrl]

Putting into words ( your script) what you will say when it becomes necessary is very important.

Remember... "No" is a complete sentence.

That may be too abrupt for you now. So...what works?

 "We do better when we have a hotel room to take everyone for the night."

 Or some such...

What can work for you?

[Harri]

GaGrl is right, no is a complete sentence.  if you want to fancy it up a bit you can say No, thank you. 

"We do better when we have a hotel room to take everyone for the night."

This is a great way to express it if you can stay elsewhere.  If your mom says "why can't you stay here" a response would be "It is better for us".  If she presses "This is what we have planned to do as it works best for us", etc.

So lets see what else we can come up with.

Realize, no matter what, you will feel anxious even if you stay with her and do not cut your visit short. There is no 100% feel good solution here at least not the first time setting boundaries.  You do not need to explain anything at all about why you are choosing to do things differently.  Over time, setting boundaries is the only path that leads to positive and healthy change but it takes time and practice and you will go through feeling nervous and fearful. 

Do it anyway.   

[WalkbyFaith]

Thank you so much for the support and suggestions. You are all so kind and helpful.

The visit is a few months away, and we do typically stay with my parents when we go. I know my hubby would rather stay at a hotel, but I think for now it should be one or the other:  either a shorter visit, or not staying with them. Both would be quite the bomb-drop.

I have not read the article about JADE and will do so today. That is an acronym I hadn't heard but makes a lot of sense. I certainly needed the reminder that No is a sentence and I don't have to justify everything.

In the past years' visits, I have received complaints from my uBPDm (and my siblings too) that it isn't long enough and they don't get enough time with me. My M recently complained to me that she only got to spend one day with me last year when we visited (though we were there for a full week). So something is skewed in her perception, I think.

I expect her to respond with plenty of tears, guilt trips, and asking me to please work out a way to stay longer. She may get angry at some point. In the past I have been accused of being selfish and no longer caring about my family, so I wouldn't be surprised if that came up again. I think she will assume it is a temporary scheduling mishap this year and will be "back to normal" next year- so who knows, next year may bring more drama than now.