Starting over

[Empath75]

So, where do I start? I was married for 17 years to a sociopath with narcissistic traits. He quickly remarried, to some that also has a personality disorder. My childhood was difficult, my mother died when I was 4, and my father was difficult to please. I recently learned he has BPD.

Unfortunately, this history set me up to be vulnerable to a non-healthy relationship. Last August, I met a wonderful man who was kind, considerate and caring. He seemed enamored with me, and told me all the things I wanted/needed to hear. He said I was amazing, I thought he was amazing, and everything was wonderful. Until it wasnt anymore. It was so very confusing and hurtful. I couldn't seem to do or say anything right, and I was constantly apologizing. It was definitely a cycle of I was great, to I was terrible and hurting him, to him giving me compliments and saying how wonderful I was.
We broke up several months ago...and it was very traumatizing.  He cried a lot, even though he initiated it.  " because I had hurt him too deeply"

It has been rough. I was in a deep depression and suicidal. My exhusband was also being very difficult at the same time.

I finally fessed up to my therapist... and she told me that my exboyfriend had BPD.  LITERALLY everything makes sense now! It also became clear that he was aware that he suffers from this.

I am much better now, medication and therapy really help.

But I am still deeply hurt by what happened. I trusted him, and he completely betrayed my trust.

I want to date again...but I am SO SCARED that I will meet someone like him again. Or like my exhusband.  I just can't go through that again, it was so very painful.

I still think about things...and wonder why I put up with all the bullPLEASE READ. I finally said something the night we broke up, and he couldn't handle it.

My friends are supportive...but they just do not understand what this kind of relationship does to you. Especially when you have been in a trainwreck of a marriage. The emotional manipulation and abuse is indescribable.

I just worry that I will never get over this. I am over my feelings for him. But not the damage that has been done to my self-esteem.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We're sorry for the pain you're feeling, but you've come to a good place, with people who understand.  After a couple of long and dysfunctional relationships, it's definitely understandable for you to be anxious about the idea of meeting another unhealthy person.  Many of us have had the same fears.  You can learn to discern healthy people.  A great book on the topic is Safe People, by Cloud and Townsend.  One way to think about it is that you already know how to find unhealthy men.  The problem is that you've gone towards them instead of away.  You can absolutely turn things around.

For now, slow down on romantic relationships and concentrate on building yourself up.  It sounds like you've made many positive changes.  What's next for building your strength?  What kinds of things you do, or things in your life help with your self esteem?

RC

[Empath75]

Thank you...I wish I would have sound this site sooner. I am getting the book, thank you for the suggestion!

I'm trying do to the things that I enjoy.  Fun things with the kids, hanging out with friends. Baseball games, dog park, going to dinner. Sounds weird, but working on decorating my house has been fufilling for me too. I'm a nurse, and I do get a great deal of enjoyment, and positivity from my job.

[Radcliff]

I think most of us wish we'd found this site sooner!  It sounds like you've got a lot of positive things going on in your life.  It totally makes sense that nesting brings comfort.  Kids, dog parks, and rewarding jobs are great, too.  How old are your kids?

RC

[Empath75]

My kids are 16, 13, 11 and 8. My 16 yo had been living with her dad, but thankfully realized that wasn't the best idea. So its been really good to have her home again. Her dad and stepmom had manipulated her into not seeing me. This was at the same time my relationship was falling apart
My kids seem to be coping well- but its hard to hear what is being said to them at their dad's house.
Do you have kids? It's hard to know what to say to them

[Radcliff]

Yes, mine are 20, 18, and 14.  Yes, it's certainly hard to know what to say to them sometimes.  What issues in particular are you wondering how to handle?

RC