Not sleeping again after family contact...the usual

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Everyone:  It's serious.  Two weeks before seeing family, I always start projecting and worrying.  Then I go, my worst fears, as usual, are realized, and I almost always leave beside myself upset and harmed in some way, and dont sleep until I process it out, which usually takes a week, at least.  I'm ok, pretty much, till it's time for the next holiday...then rinse and repeat.
This one: Several months ago, I asked my immediate family (parents/siblings) to help me and my husband do some work on our house so that I could function in it.  I am handicapped and the work was to help me and take some of the burden off my husband.  Without even letting my request simmer, my family gave me all the reasons their help wasn’t possible and closed the subject.
Literally while driving to my parents house this past weekend I learned that they planned for all of us to work this 3 day holiday weekend on their house.  The work they planned was decorative in nature. I was devastated and hurt, but my husband and I decided to take the high road and continue our traveling in their direction. The following day, when we rose, we went to work, and worked the day through on their behalf. I also learned by comments made through the day that all present knew this was the plan prior to our arrival...all present except my husband and me.

Its important for me to interrupt the story here.  You see, I have a very painful and serious condition that has literally taken me out of my life. It’s one that can be hereditary, and in our family, this is the case, though the condition manifests and is at varying levels of severity between those of us that have it. I've gone from a vibrant and active person, to being in constant physical pain.  Since getting this, which was around a decade ago, my father has literally never had a conversation with me about it.  He actually acts very annoyed if I bring it up, as though I’m whining.

Well, I was answering a question of another family member and used the name of my illness. I wasn’t speaking about myself or MY condition, but THE condition, which I used as an example.  Then, from the other room, my father screams out that we need to cease that discussion.  Shortly after that, we all came together in one room and involuntary tears started streaming down my face.  I quietly excused myself to the bathroom and had a cry, because my feelings were so hurt.  Not only have I been forbidden to speak on my illness, but if I do mention it, I am peppered with very obvious signs of his annoyance, and it hurts my feelings so bad.  I came back into the room, and the tears came again.  This happened 3 times and I finally left and stayed gone.  My husband and DD20 came to me and I told them that I needed to leave...I apologized for doing this to them, but I didn't want yet ANOTHER family get together where if I said something, I was, as usual, the difficult one, and if I didn't, I was hurting/angry/resentful.  After considering whether or not I could even talk to him about it, and knowing from past attempts they didn’t go well, I knew this time would be no different and there was no point, so late in the evening (very late, like bedtime),  and due to the fact that my husband and daughter were angry about his shrieking comment, my husband and DD20 decided to leave. I lied to my family about a friend having an emergency, and off the three of us went...arriving back at our home at 2 in the morning.

Since then, I am doing what I do every time I visit with my family...not able to sleep more than a few hours, and if I wake, immediately I'm in my head...trying to decide to go NC with my family or let it ride and obsessing about how close Thanksgiving and Christmas already are...dreading these, and dreaming of getting a new routine for these holidays and not going to my parent's house (which will be highly frowned upon by all in my family!).

They called today to check on the "friend" who is sick today. My family literally believe that this friend emergency is real.  They literally see NOTHING wrong with not telling me we were to work on their house all through the holiday. Likewise, my father’s outburst and my tears are unrelated as the outburst was acceptable and my tears were not (as usual).   They have worked the entire time and will all day today, too...so it was a big project to say the least!  One of them is sick, and the rest of them are tired and cranky, more or less, so my husband and I feel we dodged a bullet by leaving early.

Is it me?  Am I really an oversensitive trouble maker?  Please...be sure that is your opinion if it is.  I am having physical heart palpitations as I type this thing out...holding my breath...shoulders a mile high.  I am truly at a loss as to what to do or how to rectify the issues I am having with my family. For years, when we gather at parties and so forth, my mother has never missed a chance to publicly humiliate me for being so difficult when I was a teen.  It's funny...I wasn't on drugs, never got arrested and have had an amazing and highly respected career.  My professional peers have even told them that I am a leading expert in the field I am in. That wasn’t an opportunity for praise for me, because it was and is to be expected! (I do realize that I got praise from my pier, of course.

Several years back I went NC and I have to say that my mother actually started working harder to treat me better and stop humiliating me every single time we got together.  That said, she still does it a lot, mostly without realizing it. Had that not happened, I am certain that I would have held firm with the NC then, and/or would immediately start it up again now, but she simply does not see herself in this.  She doesn’t even realize how many of her reprehensible and abusive behaviors towards me are literally built into her actions and reactions towards me. Here’s the ting, Im in my fifties now, and still need their love and validation and will never get it.  What do I do for me now?

[Harri]

Hi LOTR.    

I am so sorry this happened and I am very pleased you removed yourself from a bad and hurtful situation.   

Since then, I am doing what I do every time I visit with my family...not able to sleep more than a few hours, and if I wake, immediately I'm in my head...trying to decide to go NC with my family or let it ride and obsessing about how close Thanksgiving and Christmas already are...dreading these, and dreaming of getting a new routine for these holidays and not going to my parent's house (which will be highly frowned upon by all in my family!).

Ugh.  I hated it when I would do this.  So consuming!  If you did get a new routine as you say, and your family 'frowned upon it' how would it be any different from what you are experiencing right now?  I guess I am asking which choice (visit/not visit) would lead to the least amount of pain for you?  Granted, changing what you do will be difficult but over time and with the tools we use here, it will get easier and healthier.  Boundaries, Don't JADE, SET, radical acceptance that your family members are who they are, etc all come to mind here. 

Is it me?  Am I really an oversensitive trouble maker? 

I don't think it is you or that you are a trouble maker.  I do think that there is a lot of room here for changing your expectations regarding your parents ability to see you, hear you and understand you.  I am not saying you are not worthy of those things as you are.  I am looking at this in terms of what is and it seems like your parents will not get it.  So often we keep banging our head against the same brick wall and I think we have to back off, look at our expectations and ask if they are realistic.  After that, we are then in a better position to make choices about how long to visit, whether to visit at all, etc.

I am truly at a loss as to what to do or how to rectify the issues I am having with my family.

What is there to rectify?  Have you done something wrong? 

this stuff is making me crazy...literally...Im 52 and still need their love and validation and will never get it.  What do I do for me now?

What do you want to do for you now?

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi LOTR.   If you did get a new routine as you say, and your family 'frowned upon it' how would it be any different from what you are experiencing right now?  I guess I am asking which choice (visit/not visit) would lead to the least amount of pain for you?   

[/quote]

I honestly can't answer this question yet...or now.
I asked my husband last night if ANYONE else was crying in the room if WE ALL would ignore it.  I named people.  If "X" was crying, would we ALL ignore it?  Literally if any other person were in that room crying, things would have stopped and their feelings/tears would have been dealt with.
This "pattern" has been going on for decades now.  This and other insidious patterns.  My emotions are all over the place now that I am gaining the willingness to look at things.  I want to do a lot of things "in the moment" and based on feelings (ie:  tell all of them what I think of their abuse all these years). Imagining my parents, siblings and other relatives planning that weekend and purposefully (or not, but unlikely) neglecting to tell me they were going to put me to work after what happened is eating me alive inside. It takes some kind of unthoughtful to consider me in the light they seem to always consider me in.
My real breaking point recently was when I honestly felt God couldn't love me, because of how awful I am. I read a scripture about a type of person the bible says to avoid and at first glance, I thought that was me (always causing quarrels type person.) This went on for a bit until I reviewed myself in just the facts, my most recent actions, thoughts and deeds, and the evidence that I am quarrelsome and unkind/unloving...and so much else just isn't there.  The thoughts are, though, all the time.  The worry, the self recriminations...and they back me up with their brand of affirmation literally almost every time I talk to or see them.

I cant do anything right now, because I don't know what I want to do and why, and if/when I do it, I want to feel good about it (for a change). I texted my mom yesterday and asked about her.  I texted my siblings and asked about them (not sure I'll get a response, I dont at least half the time)...but today, my heart isn't in it...now it's my head...usually, it's the other way around.

[Harri]

Hi LOTR.  Sorry for the delay in responding here.   

It is okay if you can't answer. 

Your family treated you very poorly and it sounds like there is a long standing pattern here.  It is painful to be treated differently and unfairly and to be seen in ways that are not accurate.  A lot of us struggle with differentiating who we really are from who our parents/family tell us we are either through their words or actions. 

Allow yourself to grieve the relationship you do have with your family.  They can't see you and have you stuck in a role that never should have been yours to begin with.  Allow yourself to get good and angry and say no, I've had enough of this.  i am not saying to fight or argue with them.  Rather to focus on you and begin to change your expectations regarding them.  They are flawed and damaged and as a result they can not see you.  It hurts so much I know.  Know that you are allowed to say no.  You are allowed to have your own opinions.  You are allowed to reject theirs.

We recently had a thread on detachment which you can read here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338932.0  Just learning about the word detachment as it related to FOO issues was enlightening to me.  Knowing detaching is a viable option and is often the only healthy option was critical for me.  It also helped me to read and hear how other people defined detachment.

See what you think.  In the mean time, keep posting and working on those feelings.  We can help  you get a healthier perspective while supporting you.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Thank you, Harri.
I will read the thread on detachment that you shared.
I already went "no contact" with all of them, because even if my heart isn't ready for this move, my head has been educated enough through my therapist and other resources to realize the damage done and that I have been being emotionally abused for many years now.
I am going to heal in time and figure out, also, what I do and/or don't do which is damaging to both myself and others.  What I mean is that I don't have healthy boundaries, may have narcissistic tendencies or other problematic behaviors as a result of growing up and having been in such an unhealthy family.
Thank you again for your responses and feedback.

[Harri]

I am going to heal in time and figure out, also, what I do and/or don't do which is damaging to both myself and others.  What I mean is that I don't have healthy boundaries, may have narcissistic tendencies or other problematic behaviors as a result of growing up and having been in such an unhealthy family.

I believe you will heal to and reach a healthier place and, maybe more importantly, a place of peace.  I can definitely relate to not having good boundaries and less than healthy behaviors.  A lot of us can.  You're not alone.  Post when you want to talk.