Coping for Nonbpds part 2

[Swimmy55]

This thread is a continuation of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338715.0

 
This is good stuff JYW!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Ooops.  I thought I was replying to a post, it seems like I accidentally started a new one.  My apologies...

[FaithHopeLove]

I am sorry for the confusion. I had to split the thread. This is a continuance.
 

[JustYouWait]

"JYW,  Thanks for taking the time to post all you did. To have specific examples of limits and boundaries and to consider for myself your therapist's questions... makes all the difference in my learning and applying.
My whole life with my bpd Dad. Bpd ex, and bpd son I have been running to prevent drama and disasters. My internal voice for a long time was that of chicken little Screaming to whoever would listen that the sky is falling. Over the last 4 yrs especially I have made progress in separating emotionally somewhat  from my DS38. I need to go further now especially he's living with me. I'm going to print your therapist's questions to you where I can easily read them and get clarity in situations with my son. I believe their answers will help.
I did Google the walking dead hilltop and it does give me a visual of a boundary to my own castle. Thank you again. You've given me a lot to chew on today.  Normlee"



You're certainly welcome.  I hope it helps in some way.

[cbusmom]

Can someone share a link to part 1 of this post? Thanks!

[FaithHopeLove]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338715.0

I am sorry. I should have posted this sooner. Here is part 1.

[Normlee]

I was asked about what might be some of my boundaries with my DS38... Sad to say this isn't an easy exercise for me. I'm afraid of setting my son off. I might not even set him off now to the degree it would have several years ago. But still, it's scary for me. I did come up with some. Talking about them to him is a different story at least right now. 1) No girlfriend moving in should he meet someone (last time one did)
2) If his wife wants his personal property off her/their property- it doesnt all get dumped here. This is a temporary situation. He's bringing a dresser, clothing... which is fine. 3) No raging or drama here. 4) If he's very upset about something and goes on and on - I will only listen as long as I'm comfortable and say I need a break and we'll come back to it. 5) I will not be bullied by him monopolizing my time and attention when I want to spend time with my husband or do something of my choosing.
Another boundary issue is with myself and my behavior. I will treat him like a 38 yr old not a 12 yr old. I won't pick up after him (his space is separate and I don't have to see it. I won't be helicopter Mom checking in as soon as he gets home to see if he's ok. (Part of my checking is knowing what to expect so I'm prepared) But I want to give us both breathing room. I used to startle when my cell phone rang because of his frantic calls so every ring meant frantic to me. I assigned a gentle tinkling ringtone for him that so far hasn't startled me. (Whew, enough for now)
Thanks for all the suggestions and support.

[JustYouWait]

That's a fantastic start!

You can certainly build on those.

Another question my T asked me when I verbalized my boundaries was "is that a reasonable statement?"

It looks to me like all of those listed above are VERY reasonable.

Great job.  You're not alone.

[Normlee]

I want to share something positive with my DS38. Today he moved his dresser and some other things out of his house to his room here with us. I could see he was upset. Typically that look was the beginning of a spiral into an intense emotional response. I asked if he wanted any help he said no he wasn't doing well. He didn't snap like I was the stupidest person on the earth . He said "I need some time alone". I didn't become anxious and hang around and ask another time. My MO.  When he was done he came in and asked for a hug. Said this was hard because it makes everything that more real.
I'm thinking "Is this my son?" Also he didn't become needy though in pain and went to pick up his son from school though I was a backup if moving took too long today. I decided I'm going to celebrate this moment. It was real and different and showed me there is hope based on his choices. Not my trying to insulate him from stress and pain. Tonight or tomorrow he may have a different reaction. But this moment was good and worth holding onto.   

[FaithHopeLove]

Normlee
I am celebrating with you. This was a major victory for both of you
Faith

[livednlearned]

Your stated boundaries are so thoughtful and self-respecting, Normlee 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cbusmom]

4) If he's very upset about something and goes on and on - I will only listen as long as I'm comfortable and say I need a break and we'll come back to it.


 I won't be helicopter Mom checking in as soon as he gets home to see if he's ok. (Part of my checking is knowing what to expect so I'm prepared) But I want to give us both breathing room. I used to startle when my cell phone rang because of his frantic calls so every ring meant frantic to me. I assigned a gentle tinkling ringtone for him that so far hasn't startled me.  

I like this boundary. I think I will use this. I feel like I need to ease my DS22 into me not always having to 'understand he just needs to vent'. Even though I have used some new tools to stop our converstations from going off the rails inside I am still very anxious during them. My hope is that he will learn his own tools and be able to keep his emotions under control enough to be able to express emotions without it always being a scream fest.  

This is the exact reason I always check on him when he comes in... getting a gauge of his mental state, anger/ anxiety level so I can prepare for what might be.

[PeaceMom]

I check in too, just like ya’ll explain here. I think it’s testing the waters to protect ourselves and brace ourselves for a possible rage fear. This is probably what trauma victims do as well. It makes it very difficult to just relax and BE until I Feel for the water. I will even go so far to warn my husband about the mental condition of my 2 struggling kids.

It seems a bit like I’m dysfunctional too, but it’s a learned coping mechanism.