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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: They were the happiest days of my life  (Read 228 times)
crushedagain
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« on: September 03, 2019, 07:27:42 PM »

In trying to understand why it's been so difficult and painful to detach from my BPDexgf, I was sitting here and realized that I had many of the happiest days of my life with her, moreso than any other woman I've ever been with. And it wasn't even when we were out doing anything of note, it was just time spent together at home. We actually got along very well. We didn't bicker or fight a lot. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time even though I'm coming up on 2 years since I last saw her, when she laid on top of me in my best and kissed me goodbye, telling me she'd be back. Part of me knew I'd never see her again.
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Wicker Man
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« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2019, 09:26:28 PM »

During my 18 Months  living in the paradise circus I had the best 2 weeks of my life and hands down the worst 4. 

One of the 2 best was meeting her family during a block party in her parent’s compound in ShanXi to celebrate our engagement. 

We  read about dichotomous thinking... it was dichotomous living (black and white heaven and hell).  She loves and hates with the same passion.  What goes up must come down and the down was a darkness I had never known.

An important lesson Harley Quin taught me here was —words are nice... actions matter.  This was the mind snapping experience in my brush with what may have been BPD.  Words and actions were out of sync.  It caused incredible cognitive dissonance. I.e. pain.

I am sorry for your loss and pain. I am 2 years out and I don’t feel better for the experience.  Our best mutual friend asked me ‘Do you wish you never met her?’   I answered ‘Unequivocally yes -without reservation nor hesitation.’  She is the most wonderful horrible person I have ever met. 

It does get better.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2019, 10:40:59 AM »

Hey crushed, Sure, we all remember the good parts, yet the bad parts were all part of it, too, for most of us.  You don't mention memories of nightmarish episodes, abuse, turmoil and upheaval that are usually all part of the BPD roller coaster.  Maybe you could fill us in more on what led to your parting of the ways? 

It sounds like you had an inkling that things weren't working out:

Excerpt
Part of me knew I'd never see her again.

It seems like you had a gut feeling that things were over.  Is that fair to say?

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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crushedagain
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« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2019, 04:58:36 AM »

Hi Jim.

I can't sleep so thought I would come here. My apologies on the late response as my threads don't really get much "action" for lack of a better term, so sometimes I am late to respond myself.

Anyhoo, I didn't even know what BPD was before or during my relationship with her. It was only after it was all over with that I came to understand who/what I was dealing with. I had seen a commenter on another website listing BPD symptoms and talking about them, and by golly if she didn't have every single one of them to the extreme. Ultimately I found this site, by luck I guess.

I would have to say mine was more of the quiet BPD type, so it wasn't a tumultuous relationship. She pretty much love-bombed her way into my life. She was extremely attached to me quickly. That was actually the first red flag. I felt a bit uncomfortable about it, quite honestly, but I found her adorable and loved her company so I allowed her to set the pace. She moved in with me less than 3 months after we met. When she first suggested it I remember I kind of froze up inside. I was concerned it was too soon. However, she had been staying over a lot anyway, so I just thought "why not?" And we got along great. We were actually a great match as far as cohabitation goes.

But as far as she goes, Jim, she was tormented. She chewed her nails raw at times, would even start picking at her lip and making a sore. She had a fear of abandonment that would rival anybody. If she sensed a whiff of dissatisfaction from me it would cause her intense distress. If I so much as disagreed with her and then tried to walk out of the room she would grab me and hold on to make sure I wasn't leaving her, that everything was ok. There weren't many disagreements, but there couldn't be. She couldn't handle it. If there were she would fall to pieces. She was a sobbing mess at the slightest thing. It was quite sad and I would comfort her all the time. But it was draining, and as the relationship wore on, I was wearing out. I didn't comfort her as much. I made the terrible mistake of saying, on a few occasions, "I can't do this anymore." It triggered her fear of abandonment and I hate that I said it. I didn't mean it like it came out. I meant "we have to figure this out," not "I can't do this and I will leave you," which I am sure she construed it as.

I think what ultimately happened, Jim, is she didn't think that she could hold it together, that the relationship could not last. She said things like "I'm not comfortable with somebody who is as handsome as you. I feel like I am better suited for somebody that is lesser than me because then they will think they can never find better and they would never leave me." I told her that was nonsense, that we were equals and I found her so beautiful that she was talking crazy. But she had no confidence. She would cry and say about herself "I'm bad." I would ask her what she was talking about and she would just repeat "I'm bad, I'm a horrible person." It was very dark and I asked her at one point if we could get her into counseling. But she would rebound and be better.

While she wasn't nasty like many I have read about, she did have her moments. I remember taking her to a restaurant for lunch, then driving to a trail so we could go for a walk and she pitched a fit and ruined the whole thing for no reason. Just caused a huge rift to where I had to say "let's go, we're going home." She sulked in the passenger seat and so I stopped off at another place and said "let's go walk" and took her hand and we ended up walking anyway and she apologized and thanked me. There was no rhyme or reason to her moods, a bad one could just appear out of nowhere without a trigger.

This leads me to your question of why I had an inkling of why things weren't working out. That's because as early as 4-6 months after she started living with me, she'd threaten to leave me. Something minor would happen, and she would start pretending like she was packing up her things. I was very unhappy when she did this, and I told her so. One day, 9 or 10 months after she had been living with me, she had a freakout where she grabbed all of her stuff and I told her I wasn't going to stop her. I told her she could go and I asked her if she needed any help. She actually packed and left. I was angry and hurt after that. I did not call her and I was, in my mind, done with her. She sent me an email apologizing for it not working out and wishing me the best. I said the same. The next morning my phone rang and it was her. She was a sobbing mess, apologizing, wanting to get back together. I told her we would have to talk and she couldn't move right back in. We would have to come up with a plan.

Long story short, she weaseled her way back into my house within a couple months, but I never felt it could last after she left like that. The worst part about it was 6 months later she had another freakout and blurted out that she lied about where she was when she had left that first time. She had gone to her ex-boyfriend's house and stayed with him. She swore up and down she never slept with him, he just provided her a room. That ruined the whole relationship for me. We lasted several more months but the trust was gone. I had given up. I shut down. I wasn't myself anymore. I'm sure she could tell. Finally she left under the guise of a vacation, but taking all her belongings. I knew she wouldn't come back. She probably would have if I pressed for it, as she continued to try to stay in contact, but I felt it was unacceptable on a number of levels, the things she did, so I never tried after that. I never saw her again.



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ColdKnight
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« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2019, 05:34:02 AM »

Hi Crushed,

I’m really glad you came back and provided more details. I read this thread and was intrigued by your story. I meant to go into your past post and read the full story.

Do you have a past post that provides more details from the beginning?

How long were you together? It looks like around a year and a half?

Why did you stop communicating after she left the final time?
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« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2019, 11:17:50 AM »

Hey Crushed, Thanks for filling us in.  It sounds like the "happiest days of your life" included some pretty unhappy days, too, which is normal for a BPD r/s.  It's a roller coaster, as you have experienced.  Reading between the lines, it seems like you are OK with your decision to part ways:

Excerpt
I knew she wouldn't come back. She probably would have if I pressed for it, as she continued to try to stay in contact, but I felt it was unacceptable on a number of levels, the things she did, so I never tried after that.

At this stage, it's a question of detaching, right?  Rumination is to be expected in the aftermath of a BPD r/s because, if you are like most, there are unanswered questions and issues that you will probably never get to the bottom of.  BPD is an extremely complex disorder and some things may never add up.

I suggest you focus on yourself.  Treat yourself well, with compassion, like you would a good friend.  I predict that at some point you will be grateful for having moved on, though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way right now.  Hang in there!

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
crushedagain
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« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2019, 11:48:47 AM »

To answer your question, Cold Knight, I think when I first posted here I was hesitant to post a lot of details for fear she might actually read here and find me. She's a voracious internet user.

We were together a few years, living together over 1 1/2. When she was leaving that early morning, under the guise of a vacation that she had planned, I didn't want to question her as to what it meant for our relationship because it would have caused an issue. She could never talk about the relationship without breaking down. It's like it triggered all of her insecurities about herself and she would fall to pieces. It was odd. So I avoided any serious talk. In hindsight, I should have done it anyway, a few days before she left.

At any rate, she laid on top of me and kissed me goodbye for several minutes the morning she left, telling me she would be back. She was retired and traveled more than me. I think it was her 4th vacation without me, so it was not out of the norm. She gave me details of where she was going, staying, etc., and she would check in with me every evening as she would travel.

As the trip dragged on, our communication got less and less. I was unhappy that she set the trip up without even so much as talking to me and I wasn't even reaching out to her anymore. In fact, I don't think I initiated contact once. I just let the whole thing die because, honestly, after she told me she had lied and gone and stayed with her ex, it was over for me. I just couldn't bring myself to end it right then and there because I loved her, and she lived with me and I was still worried she had nowhere to go. I was weak. But there's no recovery for a relationship where a woman lies to me, leaves and goes to stay with an ex. That is the point of no return. I hate that she did it, and that's why I gave up completely.
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crushedagain
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« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2019, 12:00:50 PM »

Yes, Jim, it's about detachment for me, which is why I never posted in the "Bettering" area. It has to be. She left me with no other choice. If I'm honest I will admit that I daydreamed of her reaching out to me, telling me I was the best thing she ever had and all of that ego-fueling stuff, but it's fantasy.

The reality is that I have higher standards than to be with a woman who would not only threaten to walk out all the time (she even admitted once that she wanted me to try to stop her because it made her feel loved), but who would actually follow through with it once and later admit to lying about where she stayed, with the destination being her exes house. While she swore up and down, sobbing uncontrollably, that she never slept with him, showing me a sleeping bag and bed she bought, I don't believe her. It's when I found her to be a liar. I was not only deeply hurt, but shocked. I never knew her as a liar, and never caught her in any lie before. Everything was on the up and up with her, or so I thought, so it really took me back.

When I feel weak, I remind myself of that devastating lie, and I realize there's just no way. She ended the relationship right then, I just didn't know it. The biggest mistake I ever made was taking her back after that. It is the one thing I would change if I could. I wasted another year of my life not knowing she had done that. Had she told me right then where she went, I would have ceased all contact. That's why she lied, because she knew I would never take her back if I knew the truth. I think we were together another 8 weeks or so after she admitted it, but I did not enjoy sex with her after that. It felt gross.

With all that being said, my heart hurts and I still want her. The logic side of me says "no way," but my heart yearns for her. I deeply loved her.
« Last Edit: September 12, 2019, 12:17:17 PM by crushedagain » Logged
ColdKnight
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« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2019, 11:16:59 PM »

Wow......

That is a tough one man. I think you handled
It the best you could given the situation.

You said the only thing you would change is not letting her
come back after staying with her boyfriend? Do you think had she not left on vacation you would have eventually broke up with her anyway?
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« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2019, 11:35:09 PM »

i can relate a lot, crushedagain.

it was my first adult relationship, we got together when i was 21 and were together just shy of 3 years. so many firsts. so many memories.

additionally, my ex broke up with me. i was conflicted. part of me wanted her back. both to soothe my emotional wound, and because i wasnt done; i loved her. another part of me believed the relationship was unsustainable, unhealthy, and that i had to let it go. it took me some time and work to emotionally resolve myself to that side of things. when i did, i began to really grieve, and it was like a deep, dark, black depression. looking back, i fought for some time to prevent that from happening.

regarding the happiest days of our lives, around the time of my breakup i read a post from another member that really stuck with me:

Excerpt
You go out running. When you come back, you take a shower. Then you shave, pick out your best shirt and put on some cologne. You ring up a few friends and you go out. You make new memories.

life goes on. so many relationships, so many happy memories will come in and out of our lives. we grieve our losses. we rebuild our lives. we make new memories.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
crushedagain
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« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2019, 01:59:57 AM »

Excerpt
You said the only thing you would change is not letting her
come back after staying with her boyfriend? Do you think had she not left on vacation you would have eventually broke up with her anyway?

It would have ended. It had to. I don't know how, but it just would have had to end. The trust was gone, and I am not a person who can regain it after such a violation. There's just no way. That is a line that cannot be crossed. Every time I think about the fact she went back there I am repulsed. But it actually makes perfect sense when you think of BPD. She always needs a place to land. She can't be alone, so she's always going to have somewhere. Some are women, but in that case it was her ex who didn't live too far away. It was convenient.

I actually believe that I was of higher value to her than him, which is why she came back to me. She told me he wanted to get back together when she stayed there. I asked her why she didn't. I think I might even have said "you should have." I was pissed. But it's really hard to think about because this is a woman who lived for me. She made me her world. We had the most intimate times I've ever had with a woman, and I'm not talking about sex. She was very close and loving, and I really like that in a woman. She loved to be touching me or next to me as much as possible and I was fine with it.

Excerpt
life goes on. so many relationships, so many happy memories will come in and out of our lives. we grieve our losses. we rebuild our lives. we make new memories.

I take longer to heal than most. When I love, I love very deeply, I get attached, and it's very difficult for me to break that bond. I had to go talk to a counselor after another painful breakup 15 or so years ago. She was the one who recognized that my healing path was longer. I have thought about maybe seeking out another. I do feel better than I did, but I am by no means healed.

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« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2019, 02:08:53 AM »

So you just stopped communicating and she never came back?

Did she leave her things behind?

And please if this is bringing up too many painful memories say so and I won’t probe. 
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