Low Functioning BPD or something else?

[Minttea]

   I’m pretty new to this site, this is my second post. I’ve been looking around trying to ‘see’ my DD19 in any post I read.
   My BPD daughter is either extremely depressed or very low functioning BPD. She has spent almost 2 weeks now in bed. She hasn’t had a shower in 12 days and only leaves her room to come downstairs to get food.
   She seems to go through periods like this, alternating with trying to see her new boyfriend who lives 4 hours away. She attended a DBT referral interview last week, did not shower beforehand and looked terrible.
   She is supposed to contact her last therapist this week or get another therapist before the sessions start, but hasn’t done it yet.. we’re very doubtful that she will attend DBT now and will have to wait till next year.
   She has no goals whatsoever. Has never had a job and hasn’t finished high school. Is there a possibility that something else is going on here? Bipolar or another PD?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Hello Minttea,
I’m so sorry about the current situation with your DD. I can heR the love and desperation in your post. I, too, have been reading thru old posts to look for similarities. They say a worried more has better investigative skills than the F.B.I.

I have a son with BiPolar 1 and we learned in N.A.M.I. Family to Family class (available all over the U.S. for free) about a period called the Prodromal Phase which is when you see thinks like no self care, isolation, exhaustion, etc.

Are you in the U.S. ? If so there a mobile crisis teams that you can call and they may come out and assess your daughter.
Would you consider this?

Ive read several books on BPD now and don’t recall your specific example so maybe it is more than classic BPD. Has she had the full workup from a doctor? My DD19 uBPD was in bed a few summers ago and it turned out she had mono. We were in the E.R. 3 different times for her physical medical symptoms. It was brutal.

I’m thinking out loud here trying to brainstorm with you. Does any of this ring true?

I’m sending you a big hug,
Peacemom

[PeaceMom]

Oops-a worried “Mom”

[Minttea]

Hi Peacemom,
   Thanks for your reply. I live in a small province in Canada. My daughter had Psychological Testing last November after 1 1/2 years treatment (meds and therapy) for depression and anxiety.
   She has certain obvious traits of BPD, self-harm, 3 suicide attempts, low self-esteem, poor interpersonal relationships, risky behaviour. But the ‘depression ‘ or hopeless seems to be what is preventing her from accepting help.
   She seen a Psychiatrist in June and was told that the antidepressants ( 7 in the past 2 years) did not seem to be working, was told that DBT was the answer. Problem is she says she doesn’t want to do it because 2 years of seeing different therapists has not worked for her.
   I have been evaluating my past behaviour and I’m still not sure if we’ve been enabling her or she is still so unwell that’s she’s not yet able to participate in the required treatment.

[PeaceMom]

I have read here about some who can access DBT skills online or in workbooks. Do you think she’d be willing to try this at home? What is your biggest concern right now?

[Minttea]

   DD19 has been given a few worksheets from her therapist but she never looks at them, just puts them on the floor in her room. She won’t even look at any videos on BPD or DBT that I’ve tried to show her.
   I guess I’m afraid that she will never seek help and continue to decline and end up in the hospital again. The three times she was admitted to hospital after overdosing she was sent home in a few days after she was medically stable and it was suggested she do DBT.
  Some days I tell myself this is her choice and that no one can force her to engage in therapy, but it seems almost neglectful to allow your child to sleep away her life and look so pathetic...

[PeaceMom]

I totally understand exactly what you are saying. It seems like we are being negligent, neglectful in “allowing” them to be so sickly in our home. I’ve been in the same spot. The tricky thing is just a few years ago when they were minors, we may have had a legal liability to take action, certainly where school authorities were concerned.

It all changes when they turn 18, legally, but we still find ourselves as primary caregivers since these kids function at lower than age level.

Once my DD turned 18 I felt a tiny bit more able to detach and let the chips fall where they may. She’s been hospitalized 2x as an 18 yr old.  I’m making her negotiate with the hospital on paying out her $2000 copay. I’ve decided that I can’t/won’t do that anymore if I see that she is not doing simple things to increase her health, like see a therapist, eat anything but sugar, walk around the block, sleep at night and move during day. This may sound mean or extreme on my part, but I can’t help someone who won’t help themself.

The thing that has helped the most was me putting my sheer terror (that she will kill herself or die due to her nutty, dangerous behavior) aside and start living my life. This didn’t happen overnight, but started with me joining a book club, taking yoga classes, visiting friends, cooking dinners that I enjoy (not DD who prefers fried, unhealthy food).

 I did all this with the mindset that I can’t fix her, but I will be kind and nonjudgemental while I fully live my life. It is tempting to come off as resentful “you aren’t taking care of yourself and have taken the best years of my life from me, but NO more”. I had to carefully word things like “I’m running to yoga, I’ll be back in an hour”. She seems healthier now that she sees that I’m healthier and more well rounded.

Sorry so wordy, but wanted to share. Can you relate to any of this?

[Minttea]

   Yes, I totally understand what you’re saying. I have continued to go to the gym most mornings. I go into her room to tell her I’ll be back in a couple of hours, she grunts ‘yes’.
   It’s just so sad that we have a child/young adult in our home that is choosing not to be a part of our family. We have a DS16 as well, who seems to be unaffected by everything so far.
   My husband and I are starting to realize there may come a time soon when we tell our daughter that she has to either seriously work with a therapist on her coping skills or take part in a community program teaching life skills etc. In some ways it becomes easier to detach emotionally as they get older, but it is still difficult when they live with you and refuse/fear independence.