My wife left

[1315]

My wife just told me she was leaving me...again. It was out of nowhere. She has an apartment. None of my family are surprised. My daughter told her therapist about what was happening. The therapist said it sounded like my wife may be BPD. I have been doing a lot of reading and there are a lot of similarities. I absolutely love my wife. Our relationship does have difficulties and I want to be a great husband. She won't even talk to me about it. She says there is not another person. I have no say in the situation. I do not know how to continue on without her. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. She did the same thing about 2 years ago. She says I am incapable of having a connected relationship and the breakup is largely my fault. She has many of the childhood trauma associated with this disorder.

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[bated]

She did the same thing about 2 years ago.

Give her space and time.  I am going through something similar my girlfriend with BPD.  Be strong.

[Enabler]

Hey 1315,

Happy (and Sad) to see you at bpdfamily. My wife has left twice before back in '03 and '07, she came back and things were never discussed. We then had kids and for a period of time things were challenging but okay in an overall challenging time. She then asked me to leave again in '16. Each time it's been my fault in her mind  and a little confusing in mine.

Bated, makes a very good point although maybe some clarification is in order. Begging and pleading is unlikely to change her mind on things. Her feeling = facts for a bunch of complicated reasons but in essence rather than relying on her rational mind to determine what is an isn't true, she relies on her emotional mind. What happened a couple of years ago and what has led to this point? You mention childhood trauma, this is very common although not necessary for someone to develop BPD traits.

What makes you believe that she has BPD traits, can you run me through some of the day to day stuff that has bought you to this conclusion.

It's brilliant you're reading up on BPD, a word of caution, the internet (ha... and here we are!) is full of a lot of angry people (in some cases warranted), if the internet is your source, be careful to balance each and every argument with a bit of scepticism re the writers agenda. BPD family has some great resources in the green task bar at the top, we provide a more balanced depiction based on empirical research and clinical professionals. The boards here are an excellent source for exploration. You will inevitably find commonality with a lot of members in similar situations (as you already have). Please get involved in other discussions, your input is appreciated and valid, don't feel you 'don't know enough', you do... you're living through it NOW.

Enabler

[Stillhopeful4]

Good morning 1315,

Sorry you are going through this.  You will meet many folks here that have been through and are going through similar.  Take me for example, my uBPDw moved out last weekend.  We've been together 10 years, this is the 10th time she she's left, 3 of those being full move outs for 6 months or more.

Please share some of you experiences that lead you to believe she has BPD.  Also, as Enabler said take a peek at the tools section.  The tools and these members have been so helpful to me during this difficult time (Thank you Red, Enabler, Gadget & blackorchid).

Please post more so we can get to know your situation and try and help.

SH4

[1315]

Thank you for your responses. Some of the traits that seem to indicate BPD are: extreme mood swings, raging, very impulsive behavior including spending money. She has previously had an eating disorder. It seems nearly all of her relationships fall apart. Particularly  of concern to me is she is convinced our marriage is toxic because of me and my inability to emotionally connect with her. I know that I am imperfect. She has had me believing that all of our problems were because of me. I really believed that. This last time she left (she has moved out suddenly once prior in our marriage and once when we were dating) seemed to be out of nowhere. We had just returned from vacation which seemed to be fine. Within two weeks she told me she had an apartment and wanted a divorce. There were no fights or arguments. She doesn't seem to be able to articulate why this is happening...as if I should already know. She said she wasn't even mad at me...just done. But then in the subsequent communication (mostly text) she is very hurtful and it seems obvious to me she is angry. She has accused me of abandoning her numerous times during our 12 year relationship. I asked if she would be open to counseling. She said she was not. The last time we saw a marriage counselor, she said she felt like the therapist was on my side. I don't know if these behaviors make her on the borderline spectrum. I did not know anything about this disorder until very recently. I just know when reading people's description of their experiences they hit very close to home. I still love my wife very much. Even if she chooses not to be with me, I would like for her not to be suffering. She has adult children I am very close to and I do not think they understand why she reacts the way she does either. I planned to spend the rest of my life with this person, even with the constant "walking on eggshells" and threat of her leaving. I believe I may be codependent. I need to look into that more.

[gadget]

Welcome 1315!

I see much of my wife in what you said.  She is just gone.  She wasn't mad at me.  I don't get much out of her at all.  We do co-parent well and I hear from her about those shared duties either daily or every other day.  So those interactions are nice and cordial.  Just zero talk of us.  No emotion towards me at all.  It is hard.  But the hurt does lessen over time.  My wife has been gone 3 months now and I'm coping, meditating, going to Therapy, telling my story here and to friends and family.  I was/am co-dependent.  I'm working on putting me first vs her and everyone else.  Hard to adjust, hard to know what I want for me.  But it does get easier over time.

Hang in there.  Keep reading here and sharing your stories.  We are listening

Gadget

[1315]

Seems as though things are getting worse. I met with my stepdaughter today. I am still very close with my wife’s 19 year old daughter. She was supposed to spend the weekend with her mom at her mom’s new apartment. It only lasted until Sunday afternoon. Her mom said she should probably leave because she was being disrespectful. My stepdaughter was in tears. She cannot understand why her mother treats her this way. I asked who her mom is hanging out with. She said some random new people she met in a bar near her new apartment. All of this behavior is ramped up way worse than is usual. It seems to me something switched in her brain the week before she decided to leave. We seemed to be doing fine and then bam out of nowhere. I feel so discarded and thrown away. It’s is like she’s saying to me “I’d rather be alone than live with your pathetic attempts at making me happy. I guess I was secretly hoping this would pass and she would come back. Her dad (whom I thought I had gotten close with) told her “no more guys” according to my stepdaughter.  She said maybe I’ll get lucky with husband number 3. So painful. Also so painful that her parents who said they were unofficially adopting me when my parents moved away haven’t reached out to me at all. This still seems like a bad dream. It’s so unbelievable to me that I am here. I told my stepdaughter it seems like she has focused her venom on her now that I am out of the picture. I’m starting to worry for my wife’s well being. This feels so different from anything I have experienced with her before. It’s like she fell off an emotional cliff and has become someone I don’t recognize.

[ColdKnight]

Welcome 1315,

Tell your story, read other’s stories, comment on them and share your thoughts. I joined this site a month ago and it has helped me tremendously .

You are among people who understand.

Another day longer, another day stronger...

[Enabler]

Hey 1315,

BPD traits are super tough for an adult, they're even tougher for a child. You have the luxury now of having awareness of BPD and can make some sense of the behaviours. Does your SD have any knowledge or understanding of BPD? without overstepping the mark have you been able to introduce that some people think differently... there's no need to define what that differently is but clearly she confides in you and maybe there's a way that you can guide her towards enlightenment. What do you think of that idea? I would certainly discuss it here before you did anything.

It seems that sometimes there's phases where people with internal turmoil reject EVERYTHING in their lives. Positive things and negative things, all are lumped in together.

Enabler 

[Birddog]

Some possible thoughts on this,  probably worth few others opinions from others on the board.

Kids are tough, picked up expression from oppositionally defiant book recently to help with parenting, “bury the hatchet or bury the kid”.

That said, I think it’s okay to say:

“Mom’s having a hard time right now.”

“Do not take anything personally she says?”

Let her know people care about your SD, and have her best interests at heart.

Beyond that, seriously have to question personal motives for sharing BPD diagnosis and where it would lead.

And start there.

[Enabler]

SD is seeking answers, you either have the choice of throwing the proverbial stick in the opposite direction (rescuing your partner from the fate of her D being able to make sense of her situation) or something different. What that different equates to is where it become ambiguous.

Children, especially older children see things pretty clearly but often can't quite get a pulse of what they're experiencing. "Mum's just having a bad day" doesn't really cut the mustard for long. For me it was a case of allowing my children the space to express what they're experiencing without being fobbed off as it being invalid. Just think about the 2 different experiences:

Child - "Mummy you're out all the time!"
Mummy - "I'm hardly ever out, I look after you lot all the time and I'm entitled to have my own life"
Child's head - "I know you're out all the time because you're rarely in to put me to bed. I thought your job as a mummy was to look after me and make sure I was happy. You being out all the time doesn't make me happy."


Child - "Mummy is out all the time"
Validating parent - "Mummy is out quite regularly isn't she. How do you feel about that?"
Child - "She doesn't put me to bed very often, I feel safe when I know she is in the house and it makes me feel sad"
Validating parent - "It can't be nice for you to feel sad and afraid when you're going to bed. No one likes to feel sad and afraid. << <<  this is the tricky bit >> >>  ___________________ "

[Birddog]

For me it was a case of allowing my children the space to express what they're experiencing without being fobbed off as it being invalid.

This is so true,  with my older and even the younger, there is such an absence of emotional support,  find myself filling in the role of necessary emotional support for both of us while SO is having her episodes. 

[Enabler]

That is a very very important role.

I think it's important that they learn the skills of believing themselves and the facts they see in front of them rather than believing the distorted view that the pwBPD traits might want them to believe. I can regularly see the confusion and BS card being shown on the kids faces. They do that less and less now and BPD has never been mentioned to them.

Enabler

[1315]

Quickly losing hope. I have initiated no contact with my uBPD wife in many days. She has texted me a couple times about financial issues. We are supposed to meet with a lawyer next Tuesday who is supposed to draw up our divorce paperwork. She has never gone this far before. She has taken most of our savings. She’s apparently making new friends in bars and other places that are out of ordinary for her. She can’t keep relationships. I know that if I got back with her my kids and the rest of my family would be very upset at me. I still love her but now I understand her idea of love and mine are not the same. I talked to my stepdaughter. It sounds like my wife is already talking about replacing me. I do not want to face the fact that my marriage very likely is over. There wasn’t even an argument or a fight this time. I don’t know what triggered it. Feeling so low about this. She told me not long after she bailed that she knew I was not the kind of guy that could remain friends with her after the divorce. Friends? Seriously? Watch her ruin her life and be with other people. There is no way I am strong enough for that. I don’t know how she could. And friends don’t to this to their friends.

[Birddog]

I’m really sorry 1315

[Enabler]

Try and stay strong 1315. You're right, friends don't do that to each other and from what you have written your behaviour seems to be in-line with the average person. Take your ears elsewhere when she looks to devalue you in this way... you're better than that.

Enabler

[blackorchid]

Hi 1315,

my partner left 2 about 2 weeks ago, and  I have spotted a lot of similarities with you. He too seems to have disgarded eveyone and just picked up new friends.  Use the tools on here and keep talking, as everyone else has said.

Hope youre feeling a bit better today and from finding people to talk to 

[Stillhopeful4]

Thinking of you 1315 ((Hugs)

Please keep posting!

SH4

[1315]

Thank you. Is this normal then? I haven’t really experienced anger through most of this. Of course frustration when I don’t seem to be able to do the right things or say the right things or be sufficient for my wife’s needs. But rarely was I angry at her. And now I’m still not angry. I feel betrayed and thrown away by both my uBPDw and most of her family but anger doesn’t seem to be here. I feel like if I was at least angry it would be easier to cut the emotional ties she appears to have already done. The truth is since I learned my wife may be BPD, and I truly believe she is, I just feel worse about our separation. Knowing that she’s sick and suffering has to opposite result for me. I feel more compassion and believe one doesn’t abandon someone you love who is suffering. I realize I’m not abandoning her. I’m a text book rescuer obviously. I have sacrificed my own needs for those of my wife throughout our entire relationship. I guess one of the most hurtful things to me is I interpret what she is saying by leaving with no real explanation is “I would rather be alone than to live with your pathetic and inadequate attempts at loving me and meeting my needs. It’s only through reading posts here and StopWalking on Eggshells and other resources that I have come to realize her need and this point is unfulfillable. There were really great parts of our relationship throughout the entire relationship and I trluly believed things were looking up. Thank you all for your responses. I check back often.

[Stillhopeful4]

Knowing that she’s sick and suffering has to opposite result for me. I feel more compassion and believe one doesn’t abandon someone you love who is suffering.

1315,

Many of us here know exactly how you feel.  I can totally relate to this about not wanting to abandon someone you love who is suffering.  It's my opinion, that's why I can't get angry, either.

Hang in there.

SH4

[1315]

Five days until we are to meet with the attorney. I'm dreading this. I cant sleep and when I do I dream about her. I do not want to divorce my uBPDw. Even during our worst times I have never been this low. I have had minimal contact in 4 weeks. Any texting is about division of assets. I still worry about decisions she will make that will have long term negative affects for her...and me. I was advised early in one of my first posts here to give her space and time and chasing her usually is the worst thing to do. I have not initiated any contact although it takes all the discipline I can muster. She told me she no longer loves me. That hit deep. I know that pBPD say things like that. I dont know if it is how she really feels. I know that she is not well. Every person I know who knows her and whose opinion I trust believes she is not well. But she has had me convinced that I am the issue, that our problems are on my shoulders. I have accepted responsibility for the marriage making or not for a long time.

I like to think that I am a reasonable, intelligent person. When I tell my feelings to people, especially family, they are really surprised that I am struggling so much with this situation. They say they would never let someone treat them that way and if they did it would be over. I get the logic of that. How does someone who has been so mean at times and manipulative get such loyalty and love from me. She straight up told me she doesnt love me anymore, yet I can't let her go. I truly deeply love my wife, even with her limitations and my own. I know she is suffering as am I. I am not prepared to go through this. She is apparently divorcing me and I have zero say in the matter.

hopeless
sad
depressed
desperate

[Enabler]

I can completely empathise with you here. It's all of those things and unfortunately I've sat here trying to think of some conciliatory words and frankly just can't think of anything. You W is like a tornado, you just can't control her and you just have to wait till she blows out.

My recommendation is that you start to try and think about all outcomes. Imagine you're at the bottom of a tree and each branch a choice that you she might make, and each leaf a set of outcomes. Which leafs  are UTTERLY untenable for you, which leafs are tolerable and which leafs are good outcomes. Focus your energy on avoiding the untenable outcomes and start to consider anything else as a bonus. This 'event' isn't so much a singularity (as you maybe seeing it) but a range of potential outcomes, some good, some bad, some horrendous. Your wife likely can't split this into shades of grey... you can... you have an advantage here because that allows you to pick off 'things' you can change, outcomes you want to avoid.

Could you detail the outcomes you find utterly untenable?

Enabler

[Stillhopeful4]

1315,

I could have wrote that.  I know EXACTLY how you feel, my wife says she doesn't know if she loves me, she's moved out and wants a divorce.  I love her unconditionally and want her back.  People who know me ask what's wrong with me me because of how's she's treated me and why would I want to be with someone like that.  But I love her with all my heart and soul...I GET IT!  So here's what I'm trying...(with the help from some wonderful members on this board)...I'm trying to pick myself up...Trying to take care of me...trying to stay positive...trying to not push her...trying to give her space to miss me...hopefully when she gets over her anger (not even sure what she's and about) and looks my way she will see me and hopefully think of my look at my wife SH4 and my family over there doing this and that and she's lost some weight and looks good and I want to be doing those things with my family.  I've been working hard on practicing radical acceptance and not reacting to things she says or does.  It's hard but it helps.

((Hugs)

SH4

[1315]

Well I talked to a mutual friend of me and my uBPD wife. They haven’t spoken in a few months. At that time things were normal between my wife and I. I told our friend what was happening. She was very surprised. We go to the attorney on Tuesday. I’m scared of the finality of this.  This friend suggested I write her a letter putting my feelings for my wife out there. There was no blame...just a statement that I love her deeply and I know I have responsibility in the issues in our relationship. I said I wanted to attempt to save our marriage. I know it will take time and work but I do not want a divorce. I had not contacted her prior to this because I was warned not to chase her. Our friend said what do you have to lose? You are going to a divorce lawyer on Tuesday. So I wrote it and put it in the mail. My anxiety is through the roof. I want to know I have done everything I can. My wife is a great person but is plagued with this suffering. I truly believe we can work through this. I want so much to have the chance.

[ColdKnight]

1315,

I agree with your friend. I don’t think it can hurt and at least you will know YOU did all you could.

[1315]

Thank you ColdKnight. I was afraid. My hand was shaking dropping it in the mail. I feel like so much is riding on this but maybe not. I hope I conveyed enough of how I feel about her.

[1315]

Talked with my stepdaughter today. She is experiencing the same BPD issues with my wife that I am. She told me she has no idea why my wife left. She said she thinks she has moved on though. She sees that her mom has the ability to just turn her care or feelings for a person off. I don't know how she does that. Our love was so strong at one point and now...nothing for her. I have read the explanations for this but I just don't get how anyone just throws a loved one away. 3 days until the divorce lawyer. More hopeless than ever.

[ColdKnight]

That was always the hardest part for me to understand. How can they throw a loved one away...

Well this whole journey has lead me to some self understanding and self reflection. I realize now that I have done this in the past. It wasn’t that I threw love away, it was that they loved me and I didn’t love them.

So now finally that has come back to bite me...I finally met the one that I was sure I could love, was falling in love...and...she doesn’t love me...

They say and do all the things that make you feel like they love you and some say they do, in that moment only, and once that moment passes they don’t...

It took me a while to understand it. I finally get it...it’s what I have been doing for 30 years...

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339579.msg13076465#msg13076465

Thank you.