She's pregnant and isn't established, yet

[LoveOnTheRocks]

So, we are communicating well now, and I gave her life to hers to dictate and order, because of so many reasons.  Privately she tells me she won't stay with this boyfriend forever (and I pray sooner than later during those talks because of many unbelievable and horrible things he does when she doesn't do what he wants).  She has just gotten herself started in school, this is her very first semester, and is getting ready to start her new job, went to orientation.  I was so thrilled, because her life was moving in the right direction in every way, and she announces this pregnancy. She texted that she was hysterical, but when I called her, she was very calm, sounded excited, is keeping it, "God puts a baby in your life when the time is right" and so much more.

I calmly talked about the truthes I know, like you've never had a job more than a month, you say you don't want to marry this guy and he's Mr. right now, you don't have a place to live or even healthcare,
babies come and your life will be about them all the time...their needs and wants, and yours will get much harder. She plans to add a 2nd part time job so she can move out of this halfway house, and I pointed out that we all say college is hard for a reason, and just doing that with one job is going to be tough.  She sounds and feels invincible in all this. Oh, and she qualifies for medicaid now, so that's another plus~ (smh)

We feel the pregnancy was planned, because she lies now about it, but told me recently that she "couldn't use the birth control because it didn't work with her system." Also, she outlined to her dad that literally every single one of her friends now has a baby or one on the way (but none are married).

I am so upset and sad about this.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Oh no LOTR
What a mess. It sounds to me like you are right. Your daughter did get pregnant accidentally on purpose for whatever reason. My step daughter (NO BPD) did the same thing with her oldest child, stopped using birth control while in a sexual relationship with a horrible person while her own job prospects were not good. If she could do that with no personality disorder it is no surprise someone could do it with one. It is so worrisome though isn't it?  For what it is worth it did eventually work out OK. Our beautiful grandson is now 10 and is well loved by his new step father and the whole family. Bio dad is out of the picture but that is fine and dandy.

I know this must be a blow but I really don't think it is hopeless. Your daughter did choose this path. Having come through so much already she will find a way through.

Hugs
Faith

[LoveOnTheRocks]

I was so proud of myself because, even though my 1st post sounds like I went critical right away, I actually talked calmly, said many times that nomatter what she chooses, we will be there, but also lovingly pointed out that since she was asking my opinion, I wanted to give her some observations to think through, because whatever decision she makes, she more than anyone has to live with it...We will be happy and loving grandparents...but she will be the parent, the one whose life will be forever and dramatically changed, and it will.

I will NOT allow myself to say anything off the cuff, and be choosing my words very carefully every time I open my mouth about this.  That said, I am not signing myself up to anything other than what I know I can handle, which is babysitting sometimes and love for her and her baby all the time.

I am growing thanks to all of you. This is not what my actions would have been a year ago.  A year ago, I would have been reacting all over the place.

...but I know my child, and in no way is this going to.  It's not my choice, my decision, or my place to criticize, and I was given and took the chance to point important things out. Now I have to let go and let her do what she wants with her life.  I am sad.

[FaithHopeLove]

You handled this brilliantly
 

[PeaceMom]

Nice work LOTR!  I really like how you are choosing your words carefully and thoughtfully. Some much less regret when we do that. Keep your tank full and steady goes it.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Peacemom, I still remember the night I told my parents that I was pregnant with my daughter.  I was financially very solid, owned a beautiful house and car, didn't need bio dad for anything...and was all grown up. Honestly, the main thing I remember from that night was him telling me "Great!  You dated a psychopath and now we get to have a psychograndchild in the family!" He got up and stormed out.
I haven't lived those words down, because she did have bio dads mental illness...but what I want so much is to never say anything (else) to her, ever again, in haste...and which will bring regret and hurt.

I texted her hours ago and asked how she was today.  She just replied with an apology and said she'd been sleeping all day. I told her I loved her and was thinking about her.  Inside, I know...
She USED to sleep all the time and she is doing that again right now...(has been doing a lot in the past week, since the emotional blow out at my parent's house that I talked about in another thread, that happened last weekend. While she was very persistent that what my family did and does is not ok, it does hurt all of us.

So much on my mind these days.  Im sorry to be such a debbie downer.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

You handled this brilliantly

...lets give me a little time to see what kind of trainwreck I can come up with, .  (Im totally kidding). I am trying very hard to stay in the right lane.

[PeaceMom]

LOTR-
Pregnancy is exhausting especially for these tiny, frail girls. Sleep is ok, right? I’m sure she’s mentally exhausted too.

Isn’t it amazing how one horrible convo can stick with you for 20 years? That is your guideline for what NEVER to say, even if you are overcome with fear for her future. You can voice your fears and doubts here in this safe space. You’ve already shared your feelings and truths w/her so you were able to honor yourself.

Please keep posting as this is a huge deal and it’s gonna take time to accept this.

Sending you a big hug,
Peacemom

[Swimmy55]

I hope you give yourself some kudos for handling a difficult situation AND for detaching  with love from your daughter.