Handling angry reactions to LC or NC

[podsnapG]

I just read Skylark’s thread and it is just what had been bothering me lately. How do people handle the questions and the angry reactions to LC or NC? What about demands for a “talk” or meeting?

Here is my long winded post... need to vent... BTW we live in the same area, unfortunately.

My situation with my uBPD SIL and enmeshed brother has gotten worse since my H and I have had LC/NC with them (my H is NC) It has been several months, but they are still wanting to talk and to get an explanation. Last week my brother sent bullying texts commanding me “Call.” I replied that we were home now and he could call me, but he persisted with “Call us” insisting that it was my turn to contact then and “heal this mess”. I was at once sad for their pain and mad at being bullied (he tends to disrespect and big brother me) I didn’t reply. In the past, I was almost always the one to call them- to give updates about my mom, etc. They are passive about calling, helping with mom or making plans, then perpetually assume the “left out” position. (this has happened for years)

This weekend, they invited me to a function, which they know I can’t attend- almost a “test” but also a situation that will just reinforce their hurt feelings because I won’t show up. If I give them a reason I can’t attend, they just think I’m lying. I have bluffed a little in regarding my husband’s absence, using fuzzy, non-specific excuses...work deadline, etc. Do they really want the truth- that he (and I!) don’t want to be around them? My brother thinks I’m always lying to him. And last week he yelled at my 90 yo mom on the phone that she was a liar. She was so upset that her A-fib acted up. He, and presumably my SIL, think it is some kind of conspiracy to shut them out. My mom is not involved... I don’t get her involved. They seem to think she is part of it or can help patch things up. I advise her that she cannot help, that she doesn’t have to be involved. She doesn’t need this! It is just getting worse. Bro is a very angry person, and from statements he made to me recently, I see that there is some jealousy about mom. ( I’ve always been close to her, am the only daughter and was her caregiver for the past 4 years. It has never been a competition for me, but I think he and SIL see it that way.

I want to at least tell them not to involve Mom. How have others here dealt with going NC/LC and facing anger and questions from the pwBPD? From experience, phone calls and texts aren’t helpful, in person I think I’d have a panic attack. Only my SIL has an email account (not bro)... that leaves a letter? I realize that letters can be risky propositions. I have read a lot of the material here, especially about the Karpman Triangle.

My H and I just want peace and space. I’m at the stage where I am accepting that the family is permanently changed, and I am changing. I don’t want to be around them. I clearly see my part in this- I’m a people pleaser, a rescuer, and I see the effects of that in many past relationships in my life. I cringe to think of all those extra exclamation marks and emoji I added to texts to SIL... trying to keep her calm and happy. I’m still sad but mostly anxious. I’m doing a lot for myself... therapy, hypnotherapy, exercise and anxiety meds when needed. When my mom is gone, we are out of here. Grief with this drama cr#p on top is a dreadful prospect.

I will be seeing bro & BPD SIL next week, when we have out of town family visiting. I’ll use my fuzzy, semi-oblivious gray rock technique again (it worked at our last gathering) and of course my anxiety med! Please wish me well.

Thanks to everyone for reading and sharing your experiences     < A sincere emoji!

[Harri]

Hiya podsnap!

Ugh.  this sounds frustrating and anxiety inducing for sure.

I can't see anything else you can say or do other than to keep on the same track you are on.  Boundaries with respect for all parties.  I don't think telling them why you do not want to be around them would be helpful and would only make the situation more volatile.   I think you are right to encourage your mother to stay out of the situation.  The only area where I am thinking saying something might be the right way to go regards her.  Your brother is trying to get her into a drama triangle.  she has a choice to not get involved and generally I would say that is her responsibility... given her age and health, I am torn.  I wonder if she (and you) would benefit by reading about the Karpman Drama Triangle and then you perhaps can also read the Three Faces of Victim to see the roles more clearly.   Sorry if the links I posted are a repeat.

Sometimes I think the only thing we can do is work on managing our own anxiety in these situations.  It sounds like you have been doing well there and the things you mentioned are working well for you.   

I do wish you good luck next week.  In the meantime post here and we can support you.   

[podsnapG]

Thanks, Harri!

I’m in the lions den, had dinner tonight and it went fine. I used my previous gray rock technique and it worked out okay. It is conflicting to witness SIL and brother being charming and lighthearted and the family all hitting it off. I have to remind myself of their other behaviors so I don’t doubt myself. My SIL is a covert BPD, so there are times I doubt my own perceptions... no outright abuse  and not many rages, but lots of FOG, fear of abandonment and splitting. But she can be so charming! I don’t want to be obvious with my detachment in the guests’ company- I want them to enjoy their visit and not sense the tension, although they are very empathetic people who can pick up on things. More contact in the next two days... will stay on course.

I will think about how to communicate to my brother about not involving Mom. I’ll talk to her about the Karpman Triangle dynamic... she’s a smart and rational lady, so she should understand. Thanks for the links- I haven’t ready Three Faces of Victim. Rereading the other articles is helpful!

Brother is a ticking bomb... I stay on pins and needles for his next outburst or blown fuse.

Thanks again 

[Methuen]

I want to at least tell them not to involve Mom. How have others here dealt with going NC/LC and facing anger and questions from the pwBPD?

I only know with my uBPD mom, that if I say black, she will do white.  If I say white, she will do black.  I am learning to say nothing, or to use child-like compliments as distractors ("that's a nice top!").  Today when she started to go "borderline" and "negative" on me, I made for the door and reminded her to "think positive".  If I were to tell my BPD mom (in your case SIL and enmeshed brother) what "I" wanted, it would be a huge risk she would do the exact opposite, because she always needs a crisis.  

I am learning I have to change my responses to her, and thus deny the crises.  The only way I can do that is to learn "how to" respond to a BPD person (kind of late but better late than never).  I am reading "stop walking on eggshells", and books on DBT, as well as regularly seeing a clinician.  We family members of BPD's need new tools, because rational and reasonable doesn't work with BPD's, and will never work.  That has been hard for me to accept, but I finally have.  

[Funsized04]

Hello podsnapG. I live with SIL BP. I tend to be a people pleaser, and rescuer. I got into an argument with her and was so angry I drove off what I didn't realize was that she didn't have a way back into the house. I have coped with her by trying not to make her angry, I have not set any boundaries because I thought  she just needs help. I never try to start an argument with her.  But this time I decided not to talk to her. I have been meditating, and praying on it, and I'm reading the Walking on Eggshells book. I really examined. What has been happening while being with SIL BP through the years, she says she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I have seen the mania, and depression. I understand these systems are different from BPD, but recently I noticed the BPD symptoms but I didn't know what it was, because the rages, and not knowing who she, the quick change in mood did not fit into the Bi polar syptoms. I am trying the LF as she lives  with us and NC is not possible.