I Feel Wrecked And Now Scared

[Gotham Sparrow]

Hi, I'm having a hard time and need some support. My ex-BPD-bf turned from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde very suddenly a few months ago, and it's gotten scary. We were together for over a year and a half, I thought it was bliss until suddenly it wasn't, he was just gone after I said something he didn't like. After not hearing from him at all for months, he's now calling and screaming at me, convinced that I'm somehow interfering in his life. (For the record, I'm not.) He's making threats to come for me and has said such cruel things. I've now blocked him on my phone and since he lives far away in another part of the country I should feel better, but I don't. He's unrecognizable, 180 degrees from what I had experienced and loved so everything is now upside down and it happened so suddenly. I'm feeling confused, sad, scared, angry, devastated. Everything hurts. I've read the lessons on detaching and no contact, am practicing them, relying on friends and my therapist for support but I'm afraid of burning them out. Despite intellectually understanding so much of this, my heart is still broken. That he would threaten me with physical violence was unthinkable, and yet he's done so. He's twisting reality around just enough to make me feel crazy, as if maybe this really is all my fault, and his cruel words hit home. I'm crushed and scared, and just need to know how best to take care of myself. There's so much more, but it took a lot to post even this. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Radcliff]

I'm so sorry for how you're feeling right now.  It's completely normal.  When someone we're in contact with is occupying a very different reality, and threatens us, it's really scary.  Even if we can rationally say our risk is low, it certainly doesn't feel that way.  Not at all!  So do your best to tell yourself that you're safe, but be patient with yourself if you don't feel safe.

You've taken two important steps by blocking him and reaching out for help here.  It's important to reduce or hopefully eliminate your exposure to his threatening behavior.  It's what you need to do to take care of yourself and start to feel safe.  You've found a supportive community here where people understand what you're going through.  We've been there.

You said there's much more.  What else would you like to share?  We are here to support you.

RC

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Gotham Sparrow, In a BPD r/s, there's no Dr. Jekyll without Mr. Hyde, which is a hard thing to accept.  My suggestion: return the focus to yourself.  You did nothing wrong and it's doubtful that anything you did or neglected to do would have changed the outcome.  Just the way it is in a BPD r/s.  Most BPD relationships are not built to last, in my view.  Detaching is hard, I know, yet it leads to greater happiness, so hang in there.

LuckyJim

[Radcliff]

It's been a few days.  How are you doing?

RC

[Mutt]

Hi Gotham Sparrow,



I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time.

It can feel really isolating and emotionally exhausting when we’re going through an experience that family and friends can’t empathize with and you worry that you’re going to burn them out with your questions about your experience.

It helps to talk to others that share a similar experience.

There is always someone here that will listen and guide you.

Hang in there.

-Mutt

[Gotham Sparrow]

Hi there everyone,

Thank you for your kind responses. I went offline for a while because it just is all so much, so hard to fully comprehend, and so deeply painful. I'm in very good, intensive therapy, yet despite understanding it intellectually I am struggling daily with the abrupt about face, the total turning on me, and the threats. One of the worst parts about this is the crazy making shuffling of reality and facts he pulled to justify his bad behavior while trying to make me into a villain, even calling me a bad person directly. This all said while shrieking at me like a maniac. It leaves me speechless and wrecked.

It's like he stuck a finger in my head to swish reality around just enough to make me think, "Is it me? Am I at fault? I didn't think I did [whatever], but maybe did I? Am I actually the crazy one here?" I *know* that none of that is true, but he got in there good.

And the very VERY worst part? I miss him. Writing that is SO humiliating because I don't miss the cruelty at the end (obviously) or the monster that was finally revealed, but I terribly miss the everything else that came before and the man I thought he was and the future he promised me. LuckyJim, I know what you wrote is right, but it's a hard hang when hanging in there because I'd love nothing more than to run back into that fantasy r/s. Maybe I am the crazy one after all.

I regret not checking this board sooner, I'll for sure be doing so more often. It means a lot to me, Mutt, that I can turn to this board for so much support because as well intentioned as friends may be, they're exhausted by this. I have a great therapist who is helping tremendously, but that also has its limits, like now during the evening. I really need to check in and post more to stay centered and sane.

RC, thank you, too. I'm going to post more details/info later when I feel a bit safer. For now this is all I can handle.

Thanks again. I'll keep writing and checking in.
-GS

[Lucky Jim]

Maybe I am the crazy one after all.

Hey GS, No, you're not the crazy one; you're just going through the normal withdrawal process from a r/s with a pwBPD.  Yes, it's hard, but it leads to greater happiness, in my experience.

LJ

[Radcliff]

GS,

Thanks for checking in.  We are here for you.  This is a safe place.  Share at your own pace, but stay connected here.  What kinds of things are you doing to take care of yourself these days?

RC