Friends How To Go About This On My Own?

[TelHill]

I was married for a long time, and my H passed away a few yrs ago. He was the friend maker/keeper during our time together.   

His death was a shock. Then having my elderly enabler dad and bpd mom get very ill/near death & pt caretaking was all I could handle for a few years.

My parents problems have simmered down and grieving over my late H has lightened.

I am ready for friends on my own.  Without my late h to lean on, I'm afraid.  How did you go about this with bpd parent baggage?  Did you have to rely on a therapist a lot? If not, what strategies did you employ?

Like many of you here with a bpd parent, I was not allowed to have people over or go to their houses as a kid/teen. A few times a friend from school would insist on coming by. I let them and my mom would put them and me down for days. It was so painful.

[Cloudy009]

I don't think my grandmother is BPD but this is what my BPD Mom always claims my grandmother did to her.

My Mom was jealous of any friends or life I had and would attack me when I got friends in the neighborhood when I was a teenager. When I was a young kid the friends I had on the street she would tell me don't like me. They weren't allowed at my house because my parents were fighting so much. Bricks thru windows and stuff. She still is jealous of my life if I had one which I barely do anymore. It's so weird that this is common with BPD Moms.

My problem is I let in more toxic friends. Not all of them but many. I'm almost afraid to be friends with really healthy people who have said they want to hang out with me because I fear they will see something wrong with me and my life ended up a mess. I'm trying to get my life back in order.

It's been easier most of my life to gravitate to more rebellious types or people who live outside the norm because I was dealing with so much emotional baggage it was safe in their world but they didn't always end up being the healthiest people.

Thats so awesome you feel ready to start making friends. I understand the confusion though. I'm very lonely but I have pretty much isolated myself in the world at the moment as I'm dealing with so much emotional stuff from my childhood its hard to focus on other stuff and I don't feel emotionally healthy to put myself out there at the moment.

I'm sorry about your husband.
I don't know if you are the same as me but its interesting when you say he was the friend maker.

I always gravitated towards toxic people who claimed to love me but treated me terrible. I always liked them most though because they collected lots of friends and I wanted those friends but I was too shy to make them on my own. They were like strong messed up rocks of people I could hide behind who were the life of the party and I got to be around lots of people and live vicariously thru them in some ways.

Not saying at all your husband was toxic but maybe letting him be the friend maker so you didn't really have to put yourself out there was similar.

May not be but just a thought.


Anyways I hope you update how it goes.

[Harri]

Hi TelHill.  I am so sorry to hear about your husband passing away.  What a huge loss.   

I am ready for friends on my own.  Without my late h to lean on, I'm afraid.  How did you go about this with bpd parent baggage?  Did you have to rely on a therapist a lot? If not, what strategies did you employ?

  I am probably the last person who should be responding here.  I actually had to back up and think since last night about what to say!  heh.  I am a bit of a hermit and am quite isolated and I struggle with how to make friends as well.  I will say that we are not alone in this struggle.  Lots of people have posted about this sort of thing. 

I have worked on it some in therapy as this issue definitely relates to my childhood and what I learned there.  The good news is, we can change that... right?   What I have realized is that I do fine when I have some structure with which to work and then when I get comfortable I can relate more easily.  By that I mean something like a book club would be good for me.  We all have a common interest (books) and the topic of discussion is a given.  So book clubs through a Library would be good.  Same with those meet up things (full disclosure... I have never been to one! )  What ever your interest, others share it so you can always talk about that.  I also do better when I have a clear role.  for example, though not a friend issue, when I worked it was with a lot of people and required (forced) me to take charge and be outgoing.  I had to lead the conversations and was 'in charge' of directing things.  It was excellent experience for me.   People who know me through work would not call me shy or an introvert... but I am.  I can just hide it very well in some situations.

So if you do these things and happen to have a convo with someone and want more, ask them for coffee.  It is easy, can be short and there is not much of a commitment required, just a willingness to step out of your comfort zone and take a risk.

One thing people have shared with me is to take things slowly.  Be casual and friendly but don't disclose too much personal info.  Making friends takes time and some effort.   Be aware too of your own tendencies as when we are in abuse recovery, we can make some poor choices about the people we let in as Cloudy stated.  I have found that as I heal more and get more healthy, the people I am drawn to and who are drawn to me are more healthy as well. 

Lets see what others suggest too. 

[TelHill]

Hi TelHill.  I am so sorry to hear about your husband passing away.  What a huge loss.  
  I am probably the last person who should be responding here.  I actually had to back up and think since last night about what to say!  heh.  I am a bit of a hermit and am quite isolated and I struggle with how to make friends as well.  I will say that we are not alone in this struggle.  Lots of people have posted about this sort of thing.  

I have worked on it some in therapy as this issue definitely relates to my childhood and what I learned there.  The good news is, we can change that... right?   What I have realized is that I do fine when I have some structure with which to work and then when I get comfortable I can relate more easily.  By that I mean something like a book club would be good for me.  We all have a common interest (books) and the topic of discussion is a given.  So book clubs through a Library would be good.  Same with those meet up things (full disclosure... I have never been to one! )  

Thanks, Harri!   I used to be a hide in the closet introvert due to my upbringing. Thanks to off and on therapy, Toastmasters (cannot say enough good things about this organization- a guide for introverts to conquer the world), & daily meditation, I've been a chatty introvert for a while.

Love those books, right?  I don't know if I'd be in one piece now if it weren't for them.

That's a great idea about the public library & structured situations. I was looking into Meetup recently. I don't want to give strangers the ability to contact me via that website/app.   Am in a large metro area, and you can never be too careful.

Taking things slowly and not oversharing is smart.  It's basic stuff we all know logically. It's that awful loneliness I seem to find myself in due to that bpd parent. It used to make me rush at the wrong people.  I don't want to do that any longer.  Cloudy is quite correct as are you. Slow and steady and do not overshare is my daily mantra.

I'll read through the other posts on this. We're not alone in being alone and not alone in the search for good friends.