Twin Sister BPD

[KDB2188]

My twin sister has suffered from newly-realized BPD since we were in high school. She has recently been incarcerated and is facing prison time for a series of different crimes, including grand larceny for embezzling from her previous employer. I tried to organize an intervention years ago, which my family declined to participate in, and we’ve faced a downward spiral for years culminating in her recent incarceration. There has been a consistent denial to her issues and refusal to get help, which persists even now. Our issues have also been punctuated by serious adderol and prescription medication abuse, as well as alcohol abuse and frequent driving while under the influence. . I am scared, sad, angry, and something about this experience has made me feel more uniquely alone than I ever have.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you are reaching out here for support.  Many of us have a sibling with BPD or parent so you are not alone.  I can hear the grief and pain in your post.

The history with your sister sounds quite intense and heartbreaking really.    Her not wanting to get help or even recognizing that there are problems must be so hard to cope with especially when you so obviously care about her.

Aside from here, what sort of support network do you have?  Is your sister diagnosed BPD or is it a best guess (many of us here are in the 'best guess' camp)? 

We have a couple of parents currently posting about their adult children who are or were in similar situations over on the Son/Daughter board.  I am not saying to post there (though you can) but you may want to read a bit.

In the mean time, I hope you settle in read and share more of your own struggles with your sisters disorder.  We get it here.

Again,

[KDB2188]

Hi Harri, thank you so much for your kind response.
I am fortunate to have a pretty great support system. I started seeing a therapist early on this year when she was first arrested for the felony, which has been wonderfully helpful. I stopped for financial reasons and then started seeing the therapist  again a few weeks ago when she became incarcerated while out on bail for the felony (for the second DUI in 5 weeks).  Therapist  suggests I attend Al Anon and thinks it would be very helpful to me. I have very supportive husband, family, friends and co workers, although I often feel that no single person can understand what I am experiencing unless they have a close friend or family member with a personality disorder like this or who is incarcerated. I think that is part of my recent feelings of being very lonely in my current position.
I am in the best guess camp. Since she doesn’t see herself as having a problem, she’s never sought therapy of any kind (except as a surface-level motive to get pills). I’ve read a lot about BiPolar (what my mom is and what I originally thought she had) but when I started reading about Borderline I realized it was exactly her, and my therapist agrees. Our unstable environment while growing up and her biology developed into this disorder over the course of many untreated years, enhanced by pill and alcohol abuse. She is completely devoid of reality, manipulative, pathological lying, stealing thousands upon thousands of dollars from anyone she can, burning every single bridge she’s ever had, compulsive behavior from spending money to pathological infidelity in her relationships, I knew it was her. All while accepting responsibility for none of it and doing everything she can to bargain, manipulate, and place blame and guilt on others — even from jail. All of my contact with her for the last 3 weeks since she has been in jail are calls twice a day from there. She knows that this time our parents will not bail her out while she awaits sentencing because the behavior and substance abuse while driving has spiraled so far out of control, we knew the safest place for her would be jail. We are hoping this will be the rock bottom where she finally gets help. I’m seeking support to get me through these next few months / possibly a year of her being incarcerated while having to confront and battle being sober and her disorder for the first time. I’d like our daily calls to be non confrontational and for them to not involve her trying to manipulate me or place blame, and am working on developing and enforcing boundaries to do so. Id also like to still figure out how to have a happy life while this is happening to her. She is my twin sister, I am also a female, and it feels like half of my heart is in that cell with her, struggling every day. I will definitely be checking out the Son/Daughter board as well, thank you for the suggestion and thank you so much again for your time. I’m very glad I posted. xx

[Harri]

She is my twin sister, I am also a female, and it feels like half of my heart is in that cell with her, struggling every day.

I am not a twin.. but boy did this hit me in my gut.   

You might find some good info here in this recent thread from the son/daughter board: How to talk with BPD children who are incarcerated I know you are not her parent but I think the struggles with weighing wanting to help and support in healthy and meaningful ways might apply here.

You mentioned boundaries.  How are you with setting and enforcing them?  We have some articles that might help if you are interested.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi KDB
I am the parent from the parenting board whose BPD and addicted son has been arrested and incarcerated for a felony. In his case drug trafficking. He is currently out on probation awaiting sentencing. I know what you mean about feeling like you are in there with your twin. It is heartbreaking. Jail is awful. It is also the safest place for some people to be and it is possible to heal there. Now that my son is out and having to pay bills without selling drugs he sometimes says he wants to go back to jail which means he does not want to grow up. The thing with addiction and BPD is that sometimes the people who are the closest are the least able to help. Our loved ones need someone more neutral. You are doing exactly the right thing. You are posting here, seeing a therapist, working on boundaries, and considering AlAnon. I recommend AlAnon too. I have attended their meetings before and plan to go again once I am back home in my country. (I do volunteer work in West Africa 3 months out of the year) AlAnon helps me to "detach with love" from my son which means letting him live his own life while I live mine trusting God (some say higher power) to be with him in ways I cannot. It is very hard for a mother to detach. I imagine it is also hard for a same gender twin who identifies with their sibling. But it is the best and most loving thing we can do for ourselves and for them. If you want to give AlAnon a go look up all the local "open'" meetings and visit several to decide which group is the best fit. My prayers go with you. Do keep in touch. I will be checking back here to see your responses. Meanwhile you know where to find me. I am Faith from the parenting board.