Part 3: Fiancee has ended engagement

[Bittlecat]

Part 2 of this thread is located here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337909.0

It has been 2 months, and still no word or contact from her.
After reviewing the FOG lesson, I do think she is trying to blackmail me by using fear of ending the relationship and guilt of doing her wrong, plus I have stopped rescuing her, to try to force me back under her control.
Am I seeing this correctly?
I'm sure I do not want to continue a relationship that includes these breakups/ silent treatment. They are the most emotional devastating to me.
And to hear words of wisedom from a mentally handicapped person, that were directed at me, I felt, has made me stop and think. If bipolar/ubpdgf wants to get together, then she will have to get off the flower, back on her meds and regular counseling, or maybe she needs a trip to the hospital for serious bpd intervention. Getting her to admit she has bpd is another problem.
I wrote in my journal one night, a while back, after she was throwing rocks at me, that she wasn't bpd but OPD. OVERTHELINE personality disorder!
Still another emotional charged, sleepless night.
-BC

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi BC-

Pretty insightful words from your special needs friend.  He’s telling us, ALL of US, to stop making excuses for people who don’t DESERVE our excuses.  When there is NO excuse.  (Abusers).  And to take off our rose-colored glasses, because that’s just not real.  (Everything and everyone is GOOD ALWAYS).  And to not live beneath a dark cloud, because that’s harmful and draining...saps you of all energy.  (ALL negative).   I’ve said it all backward, what he said forward.  Get it?  And he’s correct, in all he said.  He’s saying to live an authentic life.  At least that’s my take.  That is OUR special need.

The authenticity has to be OURS.  And NOT how someone else dictates... not anymore.

She gives silence, so you cannot speak?  To anyone?

Gems

[Gemsforeyes]

When she gave herself the OVERTHELINE personality disorder diagnosis, where was the line?

Just curious?  Sometimes you gotta laugh...or we’ve nothing left.

Gems

[once removed]

i know youre venting on some level Bittlecat. i did the same thing.

i dont want the point to be lost though, that this:

If bipolar/ubpdgf wants to get together, then she will have to get off the flower, back on her meds and regular counseling, or maybe she needs a trip to the hospital for serious bpd intervention. Getting her to admit she has bpd is another problem.

would not be a constructive or realistic approach if you were to get back together. you would need to work to understand the conflict objectively (on both sides), and have a game plan for how it is going to be different. if she came back, and you told her shes mentally ill and had to admit it, and that she has to go on meds, she (anyone) would balk.

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes and Once Removed,
Thanks for your replies, they are always helpful, and cause me to pause and think about things.

I was thinking, all seriousness aside that in bipolar/bpdgf confused, conflicted and chaotic mind, that she was refering to the Mason-Dixon line, and that she was a little east of Mason but well west of Dixon. Lol.
Yes, a little humor can go a long way to easing the pain, and although this is a very serious thing, we need to laugh to reduce tension, and I have not in a long time!
I think shes a bit north of nuerotic, but well south of a full psychotic!

I am amazed at how a "special needs" person who can barely live independently, reqiuring some supervision, can have insights and wisedom on levels like that! He doesn't know the " ten dollar" words, he doesn't know the psychology behind it, but puts out a statement in his simple words that is so true! Amazing. Never discount someone, you can always learn something from ANYONE!

GF gives me silence, and in her own negative, mean and emotionally taxing way, asks for a break, but I continue to talk here to you, and to my family and friends that will listen.
In the Stop Walking On Eggshells workbook, at the beginning is an example of putting a bpd person on a deserted island, and monitoring them by camera and microphone, and you will NOT see any symptoms of bpd, for there has to be a relationship with someone emotionally close to her, for the bpd behaviors to start.
So she asked for a break from the emotional pain and stress she is feeling, and I break that hiatis with contact 2 days later, and then a few weeks later only to anger her even more.

So do we try so hard to please someone who cannot be pleased by their partners or by themselves, until we make ourselves "crazy", and lose who we really are?

And you are exactly right, one cannot tell a bpd that they are defective and need help, for when even the Dr we were seeing suggested it, and therapy for that, she went ballistic, and blamed me and him for all her problems and told us we were the ones with bpd, even writing a paper on the actions we had taken that proved it.( again, projecting her behavior on others).
Nor do I want to return to participate in the bpd dance over and over, however slightly detached from her and gaining knowledge makes it somewhat easier, its still hard.
It is much easier to deal with the people that I volunteer to help, to take it when they strike out against me, bc I'm going home at night. Away from them, and while I'm emotional attached to them, its not the same attachment as to someone who is your mate or going to be.
Yes, I'm venting, and thats what this somewhat about, to vent, to read from others who experience much the same, the names and the events may change, but the actions of the pwbpd are so very similar, and the pain and hurt they inflict, and our deep desire to make the relationship work, are all shared by the people here.
Thanks
-BC

[Bittlecat]

Just read a post by Orderline, on postings by Expatblue, it is well worth your time to read it.
It describes my bipolar/ ubpdgf to a "T".
A very interesting piece, Thanks Orderline!
-BC

[once removed]

Yes, I'm venting, and thats what this somewhat about, to vent, to read from others who experience much the same, the names and the events may change, but the actions of the pwbpd are so very similar, and the pain and hurt they inflict, and our deep desire to make the relationship work, are all shared by the people here.

are you still trying to make the relationship work?

[Bittlecat]

Hey Once Removed,
To answere your question, YES!.
Its a little different now, but the desire to continue is still there.
-BC

[SadtimesAZ]

Be glad she walked away. Move on. Mine got cold feet and I convinced her to stay, fast forward 12 years almost to the day now plus one child going through a bitter custody battle with false allegations. I would have done anything for her and she threw our marriage in the garbage. You know the warning signs now and good luck on the next relationship my friend, you dodged a bullet, no a freaking missle!

[once removed]

To answere your question, YES!.

okay.

then understand that venting and comisserating alone will not help you resolve the conflict in your relationship or reconcile it. it may feel good, but it will mostly polarize the conflict.

when is the last time you spoke to her? what happened?

[Turkish]

A reminder to our members:  We have a "no run" policy on this board.   Members who post on this board are looking for solutions to better the relationship dynamics and as such, telling them to walk or run is against policy.

Please do not urge participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult problems. Please allow them the opportunity.

For more Information please see the following:   Who Should Post on This Board

[Bittlecat]

Hey SadtimesAZ,
I can only imagine what you and your child have and are going through, I feel your pain.
Marriage is off the table, for I see myself going down that road as you. But I would like to remain in a relationship with bipolar/ubpdgf.
Two different T 's said much the same, " you dodged a bullet" and "how do you deal with the chaos?"
Thanks for sharing
-BC

[Bittlecat]

Hey Once Removed,
You are right, venting doesn't help resolve anything, and I do become emotionally overwhelmed at times and spout off. I have been using the skills presented here and from my T.
I texted bipolar/ubpdgf on 07 Jul, and she flew into a rage and blocked me. On 03 Aug I mailed her a card and a friend said she threw her phone and broke it after she got my card.
Thanks
-BC

[Bittlecat]

I had spoken with her dad and mom and the first 'time out', and was advised at that time that when she tells me ' goodbye' to leave her alone and not to try to contact her, for if you do, it will just take longer for her to come back. But she always comes back.

I contacted her 2 days after she " requested" a break( while being verbally abusive and in a rage), and again 4 weeks later.still waiting...
-BC

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi BC-

I’m sorry... I understand that the waiting is torture.  This not knowing whether or not she’ll come back, especially since she’s not been gone for this long in the past.  I see it’s been over 2 months and we all agree, ST is a form of abuse.

I’m glad you’re continuing to be active and engage in things you enjoy doing.  Keep in mind that no matter what, isolation is NOT healthy.

So during this “calm” period, have you considered how / in what ways things would need to be different for you when / if you and your GF reunite?  Have you thought through how those changes could be effected?

We all know that nothing changes until something changes.

One last thing, and this may be off base... but do you think it would be inappropriate to contact her dad or mom to get a “read” on where uBPDgf’s thinking is regarding your relationship?

Do you think your phone is still blocked?  My situation has been quite different.  Over our 6 years We never blocked each other.  I think he learned that from our first fight, when he defriended me from Facebook (which I RARELY use).  He asked to be friends again and I said NOPE... You blocked, you’re out.  We separated several times after his rage events when he would either storm out or I’d send him away.  Even when i wasn’t ready to welcome him back, there were periodic check-in texts, calls or emails.

I sincerely hope you’re feeling better and that you learn something soon.  It’s just not good to be left hanging like this... better to know, right?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,
Thanks for your reply and concern!
I have thought about what would have to change in order to break this cycle, and have been reading books, posts, and seeing a T, learning what I need to do, what I can change, but the other 50% has to come from her. I wonder if bipolarbpdgf is just incapable of achieving that change?
Had considered talking to dad again, but had not yet.
The last long break( many were only a day or a week with check in txts) she threatened to change her number and file a restraining order if I contacted her. She did change her number, and recontacted me 5 or 6 weeks later.
I stayed away then, and I'm giving her the space she wants now, but the ST abuse is unnerving!
Just like always, her confused, conflicted and chaotic patterns, its great when its good, and s***s when its bad!
I've changed what I can about how I treat her, but she needs to advance herself as well.
Again, I'm wondering if she is at the top of her game?
While on the phone with her dad, on speaker he told her that they wanted her to live nearby as much as they always wanted her, and offered to get her a house about 75 miles away and added that they may be moving soon!( not to mention they have a summer house in another part of the country. Which she had never addressed how she would move there as well).
Reminds me of the Jeff Foxworthy thing, "pretty bad when you come home from school and find your parents have moved, trailer and all" .
Thanks
-BC