Four weeks of NC today...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Four weeks ago today I sent my final broadcast to her.
I have not seen her, she has not seen me. There has been hardly a trace of my existence.

I have become a ghost, I have gone undercover.

It may not seem like much at only four weeks but we work in the same company and I have taken strict measures to avoid her. I have not attended several work events just on the off chance she would be there.

Sometimes I regret sending the final text, sometimes I feel it is the best thing I have ever done.

I still miss her but it I am getting better.

Another day longer, another day stronger...

P.S.

I feel like I should get a sobriety token or something similar.

(I am currently listening to Concrete Blond’s The Beast)

[ColdKnight]

Four weeks ago today I sent my final broadcast to her.
I have not seen her, she has not seen me. There has been hardly a trace of my existence.

I have become a ghost, I have gone undercover.

It may not seem like much at only four weeks but we work in the same company and I have taken strict measures to avoid her. I have not attended several work events just on the off chance she would be there.

Sometimes I regret sending the final text, sometimes I feel it is the best thing I have ever done.

I still miss her but it I am getting better.

Another day longer, another day stronger...

P.S.

I feel like I should get a sobriety token or something similar.

(I am currently listening to Concrete Blond’s The Beast)

[CryWolf]

It’s tough man but I know you got this. What did you say in your final message to her? Was this recently?

[ColdKnight]

I sent it four weeks ago. I basically called her out on all of her BS and said some not so nice things. Things that had been building up for a while. Told her I would never contact her again and that I would avoid her when I saw her and that she should do the same (we work at the same large company)

It may not have been the best thing to send but I had to do it for myself. I had to destroy any hope of getting back with her. I was just so tired of the hot/cold treatment. I needed complete closure.

[gizmocasci]

Four weeks ago today I sent my final broadcast to her.
I have not seen her, she has not seen me. There has been hardly a trace of my existence.

I have become a ghost, I have gone undercover.

It may not seem like much at only four weeks but we work in the same company and I have taken strict measures to avoid her. I have not attended several work events just on the off chance she would be there.

Sometimes I regret sending the final text, sometimes I feel it is the best thing I have ever done.

I still miss her but it I am getting better.

Another day longer, another day stronger...

P.S.

I feel like I should get a sobriety token or something similar.

(I am currently listening to Concrete Blond’s The Beast)

ill be at 5 weeks this coming friday. i agree, another day longer, another day stronger. when all goes quiet, i still have lingering feelings of her. especially the good sides, however i quickly remind myself of all the verbal daggers she tossed my way. her birthday was last friday i didn't acknowledge it. tough for sure, but i kept busy and made it through the day. keep at it, you've got a lot of people supporting you.

best wishes

r

[Longterm]

  ColdKnight.

NC can be a truly horrible experience, especially to begin with but it is something that gets better as time progresses.

If you ever find yourself struggling, remember you can always post and get your feelings out, it really does help.

LT.

[ColdKnight]

Thanks Giz and L.T.,

@Giz,

Sounds like you and I had very similar experiences. I too ran a couple of time time which probably didn’t help her abandonment fears.

We both had our issues so it’s better that it’s over.

[gizmocasci]

Thanks Giz and L.T.,

@Giz,

Sounds like you and I had very similar experiences. I too ran a couple of time time which probably didn’t help her abandonment fears.

We both had our issues so it’s better that it’s over.

CK,

looking back, no it didn't! had i knew then what i know now, i probably would've handled things a bit differently, however more than likely the outcome would've been the same. that being said, had i trusted my intuition to begin with, i would've never have gotten involved in the first place. such is life though! a lesson was handed to me, one i hopefully have learned from.

r

[ColdKnight]

Agreed, always trust your intuition. I also agree that it matters very little what you do. You can do everything right, validate, support ect ect and they will most likely still devalue you. All it does is prolong a highly dysfunctional relationship.

[insideoutside]

Its nine weeks today for me.  I think i've turned a corner this time.  Last week I deleted old whatsapp chats, photos and his number.  I have zero urge to contact him and I really do not care what's going on in his life.  Of course I wish him well but I have no inclination to know how he's getting on.

I really think after 4 years of being back in contact with lots of push/pull and silent treatment... I am finally done.

[Plucky1980]

Its nine weeks today for me.  I think i've turned a corner this time.  Last week I deleted old whatsapp chats, photos and his number.  I have zero urge to contact him and I really do not care what's going on in his life.  Of course I wish him well but I have no inclination to know how he's getting on.

I really think after 4 years of being back in contact with lots of push/pull and silent treatment... I am finally done.

There's always a point where you'll say internally 'enough is enough'. Mine was/is after a year of being dumped, crawling back, , threatening to be dumped, being criticised for a lack of confidence by the same person that instigated it, and many other things I could mention. The last (4th time I got dumped) time, getting dumped 30 mins after a hotel stay, 24 hours after she declared how important I was to her, was my breaking point. It's been 8 long, hard months where I've still missed her even despite the crap she put me though.

I'm glad you've gotten to a point where you've decided you've had enough.

[ColdKnight]

Hi Inside,

Was it hard for you to delete that stuff?  How did you feel after you deleted it?

Have you seen him at all in the last nine weeks?

When we had our first big break up last year at this time I would
run into her or we would exchange a text or two. There was a connection at least once or twice every month at least. I was making no effort to stay away from her. In fact I think we both were trying to put ourselves in each other’s orbit.

This time I am doing everything I can to avoid her. She however has tried to put herself in my orbit a couple of times.

[gizmocasci]

being criticised for a lack of confidence by the same person that instigated it

plucky this sounds a lot like me. i was criticized for losing my self confidence. according to her i came into the realtionship with a lot, but lost it as time went on. i know we can't put the blame on the other person, however looking back, i allowed her to cut me down. i lost my self confidence because i wasn't strong enough to initially walk away. indirectly, she caused me to lose myself. at the end of the day though, it all falls on us.

r

[Plucky1980]

plucky this sounds a lot like me. i was criticized for losing my self confidence. according to her i came into the realtionship with a lot, but lost it as time went on. i know we can't put the blame on the other person, however looking back, i allowed her to cut me down. i lost my self confidence because i wasn't strong enough to initially walk away. indirectly, she caused me to lose myself. at the end of the day though, it all falls on us.

r

I agree, I do blame myself for not walking away in the first instance, a few months into the relationship, when the alarm bells were ringing but I ignored them. I was already in love.

I am very critical of myself for continuously putting myself through the emotional and psychological ringer after this. Crawling back, practically begging her to take me back, each time thereafter her unfathomable actions further eroding what little confidence and self esteem I had left.

[ColdKnight]

Plucky & Giz,

Don’t be too hard on yourselves for continuing to go back. We have all been there. The constant second guessing yourself “maybe if I would have been stronger, maybe I didn’t validate enough, maybe if I communicated better” The constant anxiety “will they call, when will the silent treatment end, why are they doing this to me” and on and on and on...

A friend of mine, she is going through the exact same thing, shared this with me today: “I’ll take sadness over anxiety any day. At least sadness has an expiration date”

[gizmocasci]

Plucky & Giz,

Don’t be too hard on yourselves for continuing to go back. We have all been there. The constant second guessing yourself “maybe if I would have been stronger, maybe I didn’t validate enough, maybe if I communicated better” The constant anxiety “will they call, when will the silent treatment end, why are they doing this to me” and on and on and on...

A friend of mine, she is going through the exact same thing, shared this with me today: “I’ll take sadness over anxiety any day. At least sadness has an expiration date”

The funny thing is, I kept going back, yet rationally everything I had learned the previous years from being in therapy and doing the inner work kept telling me not to. I'm not really beating myself up for going back, as I think it was a lesson I needed to learn, however I do catch myself from time to time saying, "you should've listened to your intuition to begin with." This person felt so real though, like she was my soul-mate. It'll be 5 weeks of no contact tomorrow, and as everyday of silence sets in, the veil lifts ever so more.

When I used to validate her feelings, she would tell me that she hated that I was doing so.

And I second that quote!

r

[insideoutside]

Hi Inside,

Was it hard for you to delete that stuff?  How did you feel after you deleted it?

Have you seen him at all in the last nine weeks?

When we had our first big break up last year at this time I would
run into her or we would exchange a text or two. There was a connection at least once or twice every month at least. I was making no effort to stay away from her. In fact I think we both were trying to put ourselves in each other’s orbit.

This time I am doing everything I can to avoid her. She however has tried to put herself in my orbit a couple of times.

I realised that he had taken himself off WhatsApp which means he may have changed his phone number.  He changes his phone number every time we fall out which I think he does as a power trip as he keeps mine.  He slipped up once saying he saw me go back on WhatsApp previously when I had popped on there to see a message a colleague had sent. That's what done it for me, the constant games and trying to be in control and I am tired of it.  I deleted everything from that moment on.  Doesn't matter how much I cared about him; I'm just done.  At this moment in time I cannot muster up any feelings about him whatsoever.  I'm not angry, I'm not sad..  I guess I am kinda indifferent now.  He lives 2 hours away from me so we will never bump in to each other which is a positive thing.  I really couldn't care what he is up to.  I hope he is doing ok but that's as far as my empathy goes.

[ColdKnight]

Good for you. Way to stay strong. I hope I get there. Haven’t quite got to the point that I can delete everything. Hopefully soon.

[Plucky1980]

Good for you. Way to stay strong. I hope I get there. Haven’t quite got to the point that I can delete everything. Hopefully soon.

It took me a couple of months myself. I deleted everything, then on the advice of a few people, blocked her on social media. For my own sake, and sanity, more than anything.

I got this awful feeling of dread right in the pit of my stomach after doing it. It was like I was really saying goodbye, rather than the half-arsed attempts previously.

But... On balance, I'm glad I purged everything to do with her from my life. It's already been hard enough without reminders.

[ColdKnight]

Five weeks today and today was one of the roughest. Almost reached out several times but I held strong. Day is almost over...almost

[insideoutside]

Five weeks today and today was one of the roughest. Almost reached out several times but I held strong. Day is almost over...almost

Keep strong.  I took a look to see if his blank Facebook profile was still up today.  It was put up 4 days after we fell out and I blocked it immediately.  But it’s gone.  Again something he does with amazing regularity.  I’m wondering whether it’s a ploy but who knows.  I just rolled my eyes and thought ‘standard’. 

It’s hard but what would reaching out get you?  Either short term self soothe or anxiety.

[ColdKnight]

Hi Insideoutside,

Thanks for the support. You are absolutely right. It would feel good for a moment (if she actually replied) but then it would fall right back into the anxiety of waiting to here from her.

How are you doing?

[insideoutside]

Hi Insideoutside,

Thanks for the support. You are absolutely right. It would feel good for a moment (if she actually replied) but then it would fall right back into the anxiety of waiting to here from her.

How are you doing?

Exactly!  It’ll be short lived elation if she responded.

I’m feeling a bit meh tonight to be honest.

[Plucky1980]

Hi Insideoutside,

Thanks for the support. You are absolutely right. It would feel good for a moment (if she actually replied) but then it would fall right back into the anxiety of waiting to here from her.

How are you doing?

I often wonder how I'd feel if my ex ever had the decency to reach out. To actually apologise and mean it, not the half arsed, crappy excuse for remorse I actually got.

There's a saying 'a stiff apology is the second insult' that rings true.

Anyway, I digress. Like you say mate, what good would contact do? It would just put the situation back to square one. And your anxiety, sadness, anger, all back up.

You're doing well, my friend. I know how hard it is to maintain focus and be disciplined in this situation. God knows I nearly caved in, more times than I can remember.

[Cromwell]

Hi ColdKnight

Over a month and you work with her, had really emotional days of wanting to reach out but have stopped short of it. Good stuff - my own experience here, the first 2 months were very tough, part of that is just reprogramming a habit of being in a relationship with her, calling, texts, messages. It takes a bit of reprogramming the old habit as much as learning that however hard it has been to deal with myself that regardless I can, without reaching out. The more this happened and interuppted the craving too, the easier it became, the less the craving had power.

I can only recommend what worked for me, I posted here instead if I felt something too hard to self manage. healing time requires avoidance of what has caused the pain in the first place. Reaching out to her would be no different than having a bad day and calling a drug dealer for help. It would work, for a few hours, until it no longer did. This getting over the relationship is endurance training not short sprints. 4 weeks in this context is a big achievement, milestone, so very well done for the progress so far.

[ColdKnight]

Plucky, Insideoutside & Cromwell,

Thanks for all the encouragement.

Cromwell you are absolutely right with the drug dealer analogy. Short lived and back to square one. Don’t know what it was about yesterday and today (feeling it strong today too) that is making me feel this way. It will pass though...

Cromwell, the company we work for is large and we work out of different buildings so it not impossible to avoid her but we will bump into each other eventually, its inevitable. I hope just later rather than sooner. 

[Pytagoras]

Hey Coldknight,

How are you doing?

Glad you are holding on. 5 weeks? 6 now ?

It's not easy.

Turns out you were right about my case. Altough she was calling me everyday, calling me "love" and lots of romantic stuff, she was lining up the next "victim", her actual "big love" (she says now that he is the man she loved the most til now and she met him two weeks ago). Her health condition was improving fast and she not only was not getting close to me, but was distancing, so i had to confront her ("So do you still want to be with me, or not? Do you have someone else? What is happening?"). She called me and said she was thinking of get out of the country. And said that was not related to any other man. Anyway, that's it for me. So i was here ready to work things out and she was thinking of leaving the country, that was a proof that she was not interested in me. But there was more to it. She changed her relationship status on Facebook to being in a relationship (second time in a month that she lies to me about not having anyone else, and starting a r/s in facebook, wtf?). Turns out that this new bf lives in that other country and she will go with him. Also, i discovered a lot of other stuff: She cheated on me several times in the past, while she was still in a relationship with me, she stole money from me, she was painting me black and smearing me to other people, saying i was lousy in sex, the worst she ever had (when she is the one who can't handle having sex with some she is feeling close - fear of intimacy), and saying the most hurtful things, like i smell bad and other things, wich are all projections, lies or exagerations to devaluate me, make me feel bad or to justify her treacherous actions.

Now I am 11 days NC and 8 days since i discovered all of this. The first nights i didn't slept at all and i lost a lot of weight. Now, i went back to the gym, i am gaining weight everyday, every day i take a bath, wear clean clothe, clean my house, go to work, workout, read a book, speak with someone close (family or friends) and i am starting to take care of myself and trying the raise myself up from the ground after 2 or 3 months of suffering while i was hoping to work things out with her and she was keeping me here while dating other guys (tremendous desconsideration and lack of respect to someone who gave her so much, including the investiment in her beauty salon and paid for all her medical expenses, few months ago).

Everyday i am commited to work on my self and improve.

It has been hard. Everyday is a battle. Sometimes i feel a lot of anxiety and i miss her, at least the false mask of her that i liked. What calms me down is knowing that she will be the same in every relationship, that this was in fact, impossible (she is a full throttle BPD) to handle and reading this forum and some blogs / sites help me a lot in my anxiety, in this particular phase of the recovery.

Altough my friends and family loves me, they don't understand what it is like to go through this. Being in touch with people like you soothes me. Because i know you understand.

I hope you stay strong. It's just a question of time. Someday you wake up and you realize you are finally free.

[hmf2234]

Congrats! keep it rolling, you got this!

It has been 3.5 months or exactly 16 weeks and 2 days since I had last contact. Wish I could say it was longer but i picked up and had a pointless conversation that lasted 1 minute and 30 seconds 3.5 months ago. Otherwise i'd be going on my 5th month of NC.

Hopefully she hasn't made an effort to contact you, that always makes it easier to maintain the NC. My ex tried contacting me multiple times after the 2 month mark, hit the FU button on her calls each time! So proud of myself. It was hard because the curiosity was killing me "what the hell could she possibly want".

It gets easier. I still think about her everyday unfortunately, but thankfully there is no sadness or emotions paired with those thoughts like in the early stages of NC. I checked her social media and seeing her being "happy" 4 months into her new relationship didn't bother me. So Progress is being made and I hope you make the same progress moving forward. We are all going through the same thing, chin up! You got this!

[ColdKnight]

Wow...interesting you guys pulled this thread back up. Sunday was 6 weeks NC and for some reason today I am having major
anxiety and really miss her a lot. Opened the text bubble a couple of times today and typed out an apology but did not send it.

Pytagoras,
 I’m not happy that I was right about your situation but it is very rare we are the only ones in their life. They require too much attention. When they don’t hear back from you in what they feel is a timely manner I firmly believe they reach out to one of the many they have on standby. What made you decide to go NC and did you send her a final text or call or email?

hmf2234,
Yea she tried to reach out to me twice in an indirect way the next day and a week later. What was the conversation you had after your first NC period and how did it end if you don’t mind me asking?

[CryWolf]

I applaud you for not sending. And no contact is so hard, you’re doing great . It’s an addiction you’re breaking and love and attachment is one of the worst ones to break.

What do you do as hobbies? What interests do you do that maybe could help over time?

[Pytagoras]

6 weeks is great! You are well ahead of me.

Keep going, no mather what. We all know how hard it is. But it will keep getting better, sometimes when you least expect, you notest a big improvement.