My god where to start...
I was friends with my ex pBPD for over 10 years. Not best friends, but not acquiantances. I actually had dated her best friend in 2009-2010 for a short time and had rented a house as a conglomerate made of several friends from other towns. Call it a party house. Out of the 10 of us in this place, she was 1 out of 4 girls who, at the time dated another person I knew. He was okay, certainly didn'y have probs with him as we had always gotten along.
Fast forward to 2016 when I had gotten myself into some trouble in a less than fortunate area of my state, and had made the decision to take 'it home' as I was recovering from a pretty hard time in life, now with fines and a nice probation stint of 3+ years I had to look forward to. I got a crappy job, at a crappy pizza place, but was actually pretty happy and things were looking up. Especially when I had started talking a lot with my ex pBPD, lets call her M.
I suppose we had kept in loose contact over the years, with hello's here and there, but not all that often. However this time around we started speaking every couple of days and had fun sharing stories, remeniscing or b.s.ing about whatever it was wed done or gone through or what was happening currently. We were friends, absolutely. I totally wanted to... well, ya know. But I kept things rather formal and told myself that its a boundary better left uncrossed, at least it is unless she crosses it.
She moved back from the other side of the states (she was on the other coast with some friends trying to straighten her own life out, but missed her S7 who lived full time with his father (for reasons to this day are still unknown to me seeing as I dont know what to believe anymore), sure I could ask him but ive had a great deal of character assassination.. -- well, we'll get there.) So she makes her way back home, and the first night shes home she calls me. We hung out, things stayed friendly... for a few weeks. During these few weeks she had started to ask me to hang out basically every second of the day, which was nice to be sought after hanging out with but at the same time, confusing seeing as neither of us had crossed the friendship line... she would become extremely upset if I told her I couldnt hang out, to the point where I literally would feel bad saying no.
She had made it a point to tell me all about how her Husband (shes technically still married to the guy), her parents (more specifically her mother) and her friends (more specifically, the one I had dated 10 or so years back)... how they had all mistreated her. Somehow, I have no frikken idea how, but i totally missed the whole 'im a total victim' shpeal part and, though I dont feel as if I thought she needed saving, in a strange way, I felt as if she had no back up's in life. Back-ups as in no advocates for her, or rather, nobody on 'her side'. I guess in a way the whole 'rescuing' concept could be applicable in my case, i suppose either way.. it is what it is. Boy did she wrap me up good...
I got wrapped up and spit out. You name it, ive dealt with it --- when it comes to that relationship. Lies, projections, character assassination's, been cheated on whilst being accused of cheating (absolutely did not cheat on this girl. short of a hug, I havent touched another woman since before her and I got any type of serious), the smear campaigns, invalidating me to the very end. It was like push and pull... it was like, if i had to explain it, in terms of emotions:
you have a field marked from 100 down to 0 then back to 100 again.
(0 is the middle of the field)
on the left side at 100 (the beginning of the field) everything was wonderful, other than the occasional mood swings that would change at the flick of a switch, and other minor things here or there, never at this time was I invalidated, made to feel like I was of no importance, rather quite the opposite. I knew something was off when she started telling me 'I love you' more times in a day than I was techinically comfortable with. Please dont get me wrong here, I am definitely someone who absolutely loves attention, and I dont want anybody thinking that I was just egotistical or taking her words for granted, especially when in my past relationship, I was typically the one seeking reassurance. But the problem was that she said it so often and habitually within a short period of time, it almost felt as if it had 0 meaning behind it.. especially when it came to me saying it back as often out of respect when I had felt withdrawn from the words at times.
so about halfway through the relationship ... remember... 100 to 0 to 100 on the field, so, at the 0 point if you will, was when I started to realize that things were not making much sense, if any at all. I had recieved a phone call at work from her ex (yet still her husband legally speaking). He was going off on me, mentioning a bunch of horrible things and I thought this is total bull
PLEASE READ. I went home that day demanding she stick up for me. She danced around doing so by absolutely any means necessary, and never did. I know why now. Why? You know why too. Because she was feeding him and her friends a bunch of balogne about me, while shes feeding me that 'oh, hes just jealous because im with you and not him'. It was totally whack. She had made it a point early on in our relationship after having moved in with me, to, for whatever reason and against my wishes/advice/suggestions, to stop answering calls or txts, and not responding to ppl like her friends and family. I specifically remember her checking her voicemail and her one friend made a comment such as 'Just trying to make sure youre not like, uh, kidnapped or something.' The following day, her mother texts MY phone, not hers, saying the same thing. Strangely, it was addressed to her and not to me. She wouldn't answer her friends and family and when they started making these comments I begged her to the point that it would lead to actual arguments (u can see how easily such a thing could escalate with a pBPD), for her to... wait for it... call her fam/friend to come pick her up from our apartment because we were fighting... about her acknowledging/returning calls/txts to her fam/friends! Shortly after that time period, err within rather, a mutual friend of ours reached out to me when I was
work. He asked me if I had been keeping ex pBPD from leaving our place.. insinuating that I was preventing her from going outside. I literally laughed. I couldn't get her to get out of our house for ANYTHING, let alone something like a job or to go hang out with her friends. She sat day by day in bed, mostly going through my whole electronic data (emails, old and new) and everything downstream of that... social networks etc. I didnt mind, all though it was super intrusive, I didnt really worry about it. Not until she had started telling her friends things that were getting back to me that were.. err. how to put it, personal as all hell.
Through it all till the 0 percent mark in the field, Is when I felt her 'love' for me waning, all the while she would come around and tell me she loved me and gave me potential snippets of reassurance. She looked good. Damn good. Beautiful. Incredibly beautiful. Sex, incredible. In fact, I can say that ive never felt so comfortable. This was all a ruse. At least in regards to her caring or giving sh*t about my feelings. She started begging me to have a baby with her. Not begging, but everyday at least once a day i'd hear 'give me a baby! I want a little girl!' A huge red flag to me at the start of the relationship was how, seeing as I was raised by my mostly my Mom (love ya Momma!
) Ive always felt it was important that a boy should always have his mother in his life no matter what. It didnt sit well with me that the whole time since shed been back from the other side of the states and come home, how she never once tried to go to court with her ex (husband) and try to modify their existing court order. I even offered to have a friend of mine who happens to be an attorney try to help her. You can lead a horse to water. I was so incredibly foolish to not realize "she cant even take care of her first son, nor does it seem like she really wants to". I digress, she didnt not love her son. She would get him on the weekends. Still, not enough to try to change the fact that she only saw him on the weekends.
The relationship as a whole, had turned into me throwing a rock from 100 to 80, taking a few steps backward to 90, then throwing the rock to 50... and taking some steps back to 70. Again, throwing the rock closer to the 0 in the middle of the relationship, taking a few steps back, to toss the rock farther, and continue the process till I was all the way at the complete other side, at the other 100----- ------ ------- 100% devauled.
Having been made a fool of giving this woman a beautiful baby boy who is just 4 and a half months old now, one of which she refused to put me on the birth certificate for, the amazing beautiful son whom of which she holds over my head for when she is completely displeased or is fed up with how I did or didnt do something, and who threatens that if I do go on the birth certificate she will come at me for child support and ill have to pay for all of these things, whilst making my life a living hell, I do not even have a legal leg to stand on.
The situation gets worse. Why dont I just take her to court for paternity? Well, I could do that. But I am more or less scared. I do not want my son to permanantly live with her and her emotional rollercoaster worth of ---- well, idk what it is exactly.
To wrap it up, the reason I am scared to make a move like this, is because of drugs. The whole time we did them. I am an addict. She is an addict. We both have a different drug of choice, none better than the other. This as you can see, complicates things very much. I would normally say that that is the reason our relationship has been so tumultuous, but no. Ive been in my share of relationships in life. This, (other than our Son), has been very, very different. I never had a relationship with someone who puts their hands on me, and then tells everyone the exact opposite. I never had a relationship where someone convinces me to give them a baby, only to tell her parents (who she has moved back in with), that the baby was a mistake, and when I had slightly even confronted her about this, she looked at me as if I was mad or something (mad as in crazy)... It seems she had spent so much time convincing her (enabling, full of themselves) parents that the baby was unplanned, that she was legitimatly suffering from what I now understand is called emotional amnesia. This hurt, and for all of the right reasons. I am no angel, and I am sure I have made PLENTY of wrong moves in our relationship to date, along with taking culpability for being so stupid as to be fooled each and everytime she 'comes around' and has a breif moment of humaneness. I really wanted to avoid talking about the drugs part in this for a few reasons. This is not just for fear of being judged as a person but rather a father. Let me say this once. I am a good father to my Son. I care about him more than anything in the world, and I have NEVER, and absolutely would NEVER bring any substances around him (unless directed by a doctor or what not), nor do I get any type of high, or messed up, during or if I am to be with him at that time. Please, do not tell me I need help. I am aware of that. I am also aware that only I can better my situation. I would like everyone that reads this to understand that I am a hurt soul at this point in time. Before my relationship with the BPD, I was dating an extremely attractive girl that basically, only enjoyed my company morally speaking, and was only 'dating' me when it was just in front of her family (which was 'good enough' i guess, at least more recognition than ive ever received from ex pBPD) when it was a convenient time for her to feel a relationship with me. After that, recieving the abuse from ex pBPD, and trying to figure out who I am again as a person, to fix my self esteem/self worth, is a constant up hill battle. To say I am depressed would be putting it rather lightly. I have never been so hurt. I am not talking about committing suicide or anything, as thats not going to solve anybody's problems and I do have many memories of loving life, which I would enjoy returning to, albeit with a bad taste in my mouth for my ex, but a new found love to showing my Son what life entails. I have witnessed her ways with him in terms of empathy. She has no problem letting him cry for a while. The difference between us is that (while I could possibly be over accomodating or over doing it in terms of never wanting my Son to be upset thus doing everything I can at a moments notice to find out/help him stop crying) if I hear him crying, I will go through the necessary steps to find out why hes upset, i.e. I check or change his diaper, make him a bottle, if hes not hungry its possibly gas/try to burp him, or walk around with him till the crying tapers off. She has more patience when hes crying. But I read up about BPD and have to say, its a lack of empathy rather than patience, and I cannot stand that about this woman. How could somebody who has no emotional stability over ANYTHING in life, think she will be a good mother to a child, let alone not having it for her first child. I know, I know. This is my fault just as much as it is hers, that I adhere to. I saw the red flags. I am usually smarter than that. I literally dont even have an excuse. I can only not regret it for one reason and one reason only, and that is because my Son is everything to me. His mothers parenting practices are less than optimal. Most recently, I was shamed for bringing up my concern about my Sons chest, as it was literally kicked... by her other Son (he just turned 8), out of a fit of jealousy during a temper tantrum. Temper tantrums that his grown adult, 30 year old Mother displays when she doesnt get her way. When I expressed my concern for his chest being hurt because he sounded congested, she took it as a personal attack. She was at my house within 5 minutes, marched into my apartment with her friends like the god damn Stazi, claiming she was so upset and bugged out by my phone call, that i was so wrong of me to call her and tell her that I think he has bruised ribs. Now, I do realize the possibility of me overreacting, but think. My son never screams his head off. In the event, it is a completely rare one that I cannot figure out what it is that is upsetting him. I called her an mentioned, because of his congestion and the upset/crying very loudly (for him) that I think he may have bruised ribs, ya know, seeing as her other Son effing kicked ours//mine! So she was so worried, and so scared of him being hurt, that before she even asks what or why I think that, shes standing in my living room with her to friends and their feet are all tapping like the damn Sanderson sisters in unison. Then, he stops crying. fml. I look like an even bigger tool in front of these people that have already been told only completely negative things about me. The morning after this, seeing as this was in the evening, I got a barrage of texts in the form of personal attacks that were meant to shame me, rounded off with go eff myself and take her to court if I want to see him. Mind you, I did NOT hack her phone, instead, I do have an old phone of which she is logged in on with her phone providers app, an app that shows all calls/texts sent. Dont you know, I checked out some of the numbers. Shes absolutely been doing what she does best. Leaving a breadcrum trail of hopes for me, lying to everyone she knows, and thinking she'll get away with doing Heroin with my baby boy in her supervision. 1 ? WHY am I scare
