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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: So I joined a church group (Christian topic)  (Read 135 times)
gotbushels
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1582



« on: September 12, 2019, 11:31:37 AM »

Hi everyone  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I thought I'd share some good vibes with the community.


Life without my ex = awesome.   Way to go! (click to insert in post)
It's been 5 years this month since my last contact with my UexpwBPDgf.

Honestly—life has been truly awesome without my ex in it. I share my walk so far that anyone in recovery has potentially got this to look forward to. Of course there's pain—but I did learn from my relationship the depths of pain, which seemed to give me greater joy of those greatest joys.


Improved relational life.
Since then—I've grown a lot of meaningful, satisfying, and fulfilling relationships. I'd like to think that my investment in improving my emotional life has paid off in a lot of ways I can't easily describe. I hope that for you too.


Creative action.
In the spirit of creative action, I'd like to encourage those at this stage of detaching—and those months out of the relationship with heaps of creative energy to spare—to visit your spiritual groups.

I was partially inspired to make a commitment to go by WTL's discussions.
Maybe we could individually look at joining a group each, in April?  


My recent experience.
Since then I've attended quite a lot of services and I've learned a lot of things.

One thing I learned that I think will help the community—it seems to be OK to "shop" for a church group. From what I gather, a lot of people make the effort to proactively look for a church group (apparently all members in one group I visited called the church to get their group allocation). One of the church leaders shared that he visited a lot of groups. I see new people in one group coming and going all the time, with the outright intention to "see what it's like". So it's OK not to commit unless it's a good fit for you. I encourage you to not feel you 'should' join a group just because you prayed with people there.

I've attended four+ different groups since May 2019. I'm also now on regular Sunday service attendance of my own volition. I walked out of one event.

I've met a lot of people all the way across of my like-dislike scale. I've had my preconceptions challenged—I even got the chance to practice some of the distress tolerance skills I learned after my relationship.

My continual search for a better fitting group paid off—I found at least two after that were much more my fit. God is good in preparing better things sometimes when we've faced disappointment. Good vibes there for you believers if you're looking to improve your relational lives.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)


So I encourage you to try it out. Don't let one time, one event—where perhaps your expectations weren't met—stop you from improving your relationship with Jesus. Just because you encounter one pwBPD in your dating life doesn't mean you stop dating altogether. I share that hope even for you members who've lucked-out in having their first gf or bf be the pwBPD. It's okay to date again.


Enjoy your peace and weekend!
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Sirnut
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 87


« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2019, 07:02:42 AM »

Hi gotbushels

I haven’t been active here for a while but this caught my eye.
I’m a believer too and I appreciate your post.

S
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
What is your relationship status with them: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 10788


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2019, 09:23:16 PM »

 How are things going now? I'm over the verge of leaving my church of the past 6 years...
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
MeandThee29
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced
Posts: 766


« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2019, 10:51:36 AM »

I have mixed feelings too. We're still with our long-term church, but I'm finding that I'm not really that close with them of late. I decided some time ago to honor that many of them have good memories of my STBX, and to leave my experience out of it. People rarely divorce in our denomination, and that's outside of their experience too, particularly a high-conflict one. Not long ago someone that my STBX used to talk to asked me all kinds of friendly questions about how my STBX was doing, as if he was off on vacation or something even though he's been gone quite awhile now. I was polite but pointed out that we are divorcing and suggested that he email my STBX himself. I know that they are grieving too, but it is awkward at times. 

I have friends from my Christian 12-step group that I text, meet for coffee, and who know all my bad-and-ugly. My social life is centered on them too. I just went on a retreat with some of them. The church that some of them attend has an afternoon service that we sometimes attend after the other one. So those people are how I stay grounded, frankly.

I don't know what we'll do long-term. My young adults both will graduate from college in the next few years, so a lot could change.
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