showing lack of respect toward me

[judzwho]

I do not know what to do, when we first started dating we was really close, and there was no problems, now we will make plans to do something, then i will message her and she will being something else and blow off out plans, when we started dating if she would be say be over soon and she would be over in a half hour or so,  now she will tell me oh i will be over at 7 and will not show up for 3 to 4 hours after, or be there shortly and takes hours before coming over, I do not know what to do, is she loosing interest in our relationship?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

It's hard to know what's driving the change. Have you tried talking about it with her?

[judzwho]

yes, and she says she does not why she is acting the way, she says it always happens when she is in a relationship, that is why she can not keep a relationship, but yet she just got out of a relationship about a year ago that lasted 5 years

[Ozzie101]

Could be the push-pull dynamic at work. Are there other behaviors that cause trouble or that make you suspect BPD? Is she now or has she ever been in therapy?

[judzwho]

yes, she is in theripy right now, she is doing one on one, and group,

[Ozzie101]

It could be a reaction related to commitment. I've heard of other pwBPD who will have a negative reaction to increased intimacy and commitment (one way the fear of abandonment rears its head).

I would hope it's something she's addressing in therapy. But, if she doesn't want to change this pattern or doesn't put any effort in, then it's not something you can change. What you can change is your reaction. How do you usually react to her when this happens? Also, do you hold off on your own plans and wait for her? Or do you go ahead as planned?

[judzwho]

i give up my plans to wait on her. she tends to talk not  to me for days at a time, then act like it is nothing, tells me she loves me so much, and missed me so much. i am wondering if she is just trying to push me away

[Ozzie101]

It could be. It's very common with pwBPD -- the push-pull dynamic.

Something that I've seen suggested to others going through something similar: What would happen if you went ahead with your plans?

For instance, you make plans (either with her or informing her of what they are) and, kindly and without making ultimatums, tell her what the plans are and that you'll wait for xx minutes (whatever you feel comfortable with) but will then go ahead. "I hope you'll be there because I'd love to be with you." Then, if she doesn't show by the time you set, you go ahead with what you want to do.