Setting Boundaries with Dad

[mn2019]

Hi everyone,

I'd love to hear your recommendations for setting healthy boundaries with my dad. He's in his mid-fifties, and his therapist recently diagnosed him with mild to moderate BPD. Interacting with him has been a struggle for years, as he swings from giving intense compliments and stating how extremely proud he is of my siblings and me... to sending long emails stating how deeply hurt he is by our lack of consideration for him. This week was particularly intense. A large number of our relatives have cut off contact with him completely, and my siblings and I all have different ways of responding to him.

My usual approach is to restrain myself from replying with anything that could provoke him, though it's hard to know what will set him off. After this particularly confusing week of random gushing texts loaded with emojis, which ended with several long emails telling me I'm a terrible listener who "cuts people off all the time", I'm at a loss. This is made more complicated by the fact that I'm close to my mom, who views herself as a loving caretaker of someone with a mental illness.

I would prefer not to have a relationship with my dad at all (and didn't for over a year at the end of college), but he and my mom are a package deal. If I tell him that I want our online communication to take place *only* in family group texts, he will be devastated and angry. I think that our in-person interactions are a little easier, especially since I can control when I see him and when I leave. I typically see him 2-3 times a month for a few hours at a time.

How do you all recommend moving forward? Have you found ways of interacting that make you feel less vulnerable to your loved one's unpredictable behavior?

[GaGrl]

I am on the board due to my husband's ex-wife, who is uBPD/NPD. Although We have little to no contact with her, we have children and grandchildren who have learned what does and does not work for them.

Our daughter, who lives in the same city, calls her mother for a brief conversation each morning on the way to work. If her mother begins negative talk, D hangs up (she is a Licensed Massage Therapist for hospice patients and can't take negativity into her work).  Our son lives 1500 miles from her and has brief phone convos and about bi-monthly weekend visits. The other daughter has much more limited contact -- more than 2-3 day visits become volatile between the two of them, with a lot of criticism focused on parenting the 3-year-old grandaughter. The other granddaughter voluntarily limits her time with her grandmother (since age 10-11).

You don't have to announce a boundary of seeing your dad only in family groups -- you can simply start limiting your time with him to those occasions. The boundary is for you, to protect your values.

[IvyB]

I agree with GaGirl. Don't state a boundary, just act on it. As long as you are consistent, the boundary will stick.
I have a uBPD mom and can relate, she can be the sweetest person one minute and then insult me the next, without her differentiating the two. Trying to talk to her about anything she isn't interested about is useless. It's impossible to know what will set her off into rage. Time controlled visits and short phone calls seem to make it more manageable for me.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi mn2019, 

Welcome! You've gotten some great thoughts from GaGrl and IvyB which give some suggestions of nice options.  My mom was uBPD, and she passed away a few years ago. I limited my contact with her, and since she lived far away, that helped. My DH (dear husband) often reminds me of my uBPDm, although he is not BPD. Our children have difficulty being around him or communicating with him. They often ask me what can they do to still maintain contact yet not get sucked into the drama and get angry and upset with him.

I usually encourage them to find a couple of 'surface' type topics to be able to chat about, normally it will be by phone. They can keep his interest there, although he would much prefer deep diving into topics to discuss that become frustrating and confusing to them, and they don't feel free to share their own thoughts. At those points, they get off the phone quickly by stating something that is true that can pull them away, like, "I have to go to the bathroom so I need to say goodbye," or "I need to get the kids in bed," or "I have to get supper ready," and so on. Quick exits. Those can also work in person, if you have the option to allow you to leave quickly. Where do you normally meet with him?

Do you have any ideas of what might cut down on your time, gradually, yet leave you in more control of your mental safety and health?

 
Wools