Hello TJP
I am hearing you! My mom is also elderly, I am also an only child, my mom is also BPD, and she also lives in the same town as me. Furthermore, I just this summer came to understand what my mom's BPD truly means for me, and how I must learn to interact with her moving forward so that I can stop hurting, and look after myself, so that there is something left of me to actually help her when it's appropriate.
I can hear your pain. I can imagine and feel it with you. My mom isn't in hospital yet, but I can see it just around the corner, so I can appreciate what you must be going through. I always anticipate every worst case scenario with my mom, because that is what I learned to do to survive. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. It is exactly what I anticipate is ahead for me with my mom.
Here is what I have learned so far this summer from my reading, this website, and my counsellor.
#1) Self Care. For me, this has meant time for myself to do whatever I want (read, be physically active, spend time with a friend, have a hot bath). We can't help anyone if we ourselves are falling apart. This is hopefully music to your ears, and when I heard it, I cried because someone was giving me PERMISSION to look after myself.
#2) Communication. From my reading this summer, I have learned that there are specific tools and strategies to communicate with a BPD. Rational conversations that we have with rational people don't work with BPD...with my mom it has made it worse, and sadly I didn't figure that out until I was 57. But I get it now. On this website you can find and learn about these tools. SET is a good place to start. My personal counsellor today reiterated this technique by suggesting that when my mom goes all Borderline on me, I reply by focussing on her FEELING...i.e. "it sounds like you are feeling ANGRY"...or..."it sounds like you are feeling SCARED". Maybe someone with more experience on this board can provide the link to SET. "I" statements are also helpful.
#3) Set Boundaries. When she becomes verbally abusive...you can say something like..."I see you are feeling angry right now. What you are saying to me right now is hurting me and scaring me. If you continue, I will have to leave so I can go look after myself. I hope you can calm down so that I can stay with you." If she continues to abuse you, follow up on what you said and say "excuse me mom, but I must leave now because I am feeling scared. I will come back and see you when WE are ALL calm again (notice there is no blame on her here). I love you." Then leave, and go look after yourself, because that is what is the right thing to do
I have been using these techniques for about 2 weeks now, and I can say these tools are helping both me and my mom. My mom has also recently gone on an antidepressent called Mirtazapine which has made an unbelievable difference for the positive. She has less negativity, less anxiety, and because she takes it at bedtime, she sleeps.
I have read " Stop Walking on Eggshells", and "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook". Both have helped me hugely. My clinical counsellor today also suggested "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship" by Shari Y. Manning. I have just ordered it.
You are not alone. I'm thinking of you. I hope anything here helps. Give yourself time. N/C or L/C is OK when needed because it is not acceptable for her to abuse you.
Remember to look after yourself first.
