It's Your Party & I'll Make You Cry If I Want To

[TelHill]

... or I Wish You An Unhappy Birthday (from rock oldie to new wave 80s here!)


I wanted to check in from the weekend. I was having a rough time because my mom verbally abused me on my birthday.

She was so kind in the morning. I felt warmer towards her, she was afraid of getting too close and boom - verbal attack. I set a boundary verbally.  My enabler dad stood up for me for once. She was silent the rest of the day.

I went to my place late yesterday and today. I had to leave on an unscheduled day for my own sanity.

I'm back here now. I asked her if she was sorry for the bad things she said on my birthday. She said nothing bad. Yeah, right.  Never wrong and will lie to make sure it stays like that.

I am feeling better. I'm snapping back more quickly.

[Harri]

Hi TelHill.

Happy Birthday!   

I am glad you spoke up and took some time away for yourself.  It is so frustrating when they do that.  Wonder why your father stood up for you this time?  He doesn't do that often does he?

I felt warmer towards her, she was afraid of getting too close and boom - verbal attack.

Does she usually do the push/pull thing with you?   How have you typically worked with this in the past?

I am feeling better. I'm snapping back more quickly.

   Good for you.  That is great to hear.  

[Turkish]

She might not remember how it went down as exactly that due to dissociation. And/or she might partially, but due to core shame, is minimizing or denying. My mother did that, my ex did it a lot, though my ex was more self-aware of when she had emotional dysregulation episodes. When my ex admitted them, it somehow didn't make me feel better.  "If you're aware, then why can't you control it?" I wanted to ask.

I did ask her once like this, "when you are angry and raging, what are you thinking?" She replied, "I want everyone else to feel my pain!" An honest admission. That sounded like what my mom once told me,  "I did the best I could!"

Not to speak for your mother, but if this is the case, whete does that leave you?  For the record, their admissions were both validating and angering to me, but honestly, I appreciated them telling me who they were.  What was left was figuring put who I was, and what I was going to do with that. 

[Notwendy]

Glad you are bouncing back quicker. I'm with Turkish on this. My BPD mom dissociates to such an extent that she doesn't recall what she said or did. This is different from when she does things intentionally- she is very manipulative and calculating. She can be deliberately cruel. But when she is angry, raging and dissociated, I think she loses recall.

She sees things from victim perspective, and her own view is that she is entirely justified in doing/saying what she does, after all, since she is the victim, we deserve it.

If I or anyone else approaches her with the fact that she did/say something hurtful to us, her core shame kicks in, or she can't see that what she did was hurtful since she feels justified,  or she can't remember. Either way an apology or resolution doesn't happen. In the moment, it's like Turkish said- she's feeling pain, someone is to blame and she wants us to feel it.

My mother is elderly and at this point,  I don't expect her to change her perception. The best I can do is tolerate it at best I can and realize that what she does/says has probably nothing to do with me but with her. I don't tolerate verbal abuse- I walk away from that but I also don't try to resolve things by talking them out. It's pointless IMHO. This leaves us with a cordial but somewhat cold relationship. It isn't what I would have wanted with a mother, but it is what it is.

[IvyB]

Happy Birthday Tellhi! Sorry you had to deal with that!

I agree with all the posts. My uBPD mom will go out of her way to be nice (i.e. bake a cake that takes hours, buy thoughtful presents...etc). And then boom, the insults, blame, shame...etc. come out. If I say anything (i.e. why are you being mean?), then I'm "too sensitive" and the rage starts. Never apologizes. Maybe its dissociation? Maybe she honestly doesn't understand difference between a nice comment and a mean comment. Maybe she has too much emotional turmoil going on that she can't differentiate. I always felt like her kindness (i.e. cake) was like the goodwill for the insults later that I'd have to endure.
Sorry Tellhi! I hope you were still able to enjoy your day.

[TelHill]

Thank you for the kind b-day wishes!

Also thanks for pointing out it may be dissociation rather than a normal adult's deliberate maliciousness.  Or she remembers but feels very ashamed. Like a kid she wants to cover it up to escape punishment.  There's lots of reasonable explanations for this when looking through the prism of bpd behavior.

We all want a normal parent or sibling. The impulse never ceases and I'm the normal one who should know better. She's calmer when I'm near her for a few hours. I escape to another room or leave for a while during my days here..  More time and adult interaction is scary for her.