I'm the partner with BPD and my wife asked to separate – need perspective

[irightthebook]

I'm not sure if it's typical for the partner with BPD to post on here since none of the dropdown options allowed me to identify as such. But I'm hoping that it's okay for me to post here.

A little over a month ago my wife of almost 8 years moved out of our bedroom and into our guest room. The events that transpired just before this are still fuzzy to me now. We moved to a new country about nine months ago. Both of us were in therapy, me for ADHD and anxiety, her for depression and anxiety, and we were both going to couples' therapy. I allowed myself to get overwhelmed with work once we got here and never really came back up for air.

She asked if we could start doing weekly check-ins again, and I punted asking for two weeks to finish up some client work and then I could relax. She got angry – understandably – and said she was tired of putting our life on hold. I believe this was followed by a separate argument that I initiated a day or two later.

During one of these two arguments I actually threw my wedding ring at her as he screamed at her that she would obviously be happier without me. I got flooded and broke down totally and repeated a pattern we've seen probably 50 times or so before in our 10 years of marriage: go from abject anger and hateful disrespect to inconsolable sadness and self-hate, crying and essentially forcing her to comfort me.

The next day she said she was going to move her things into the guest room and needed space. The need for space from her has since increased, with her now staying with our friends a couple blocks away. (I'm also now onboard with the idea of space for both of us, though this is really hard for me to feel totally comfortable with.)

She says she needs time to be okay with herself, that she honestly doesn't know if we will ever be able to work together again or if we ever were right together. For those of you with BPD or traits, or who have loved ones, this is, of course, totally understandable. She's been in a relationship of confusion and gaslighting, anger turning to passion turning to neglect. She says that she suddenly just woke up to the realization everything has been really bad and woke up to how bad it actually had become. Sadly, I woke up right after this.

She says she does not want a divorce right now because that feels really permanent. She also wants to be fair to me and not make me wait for something that will never come. And lately, she is overwhelmed that, as she says, "I feel so much love coming from you right now and that's all I really wanted before, and now I can't feel anything."

From my perspective, I think (and my therapist now does, too) that I was misdiagnosed, and this is in part my fault. I did not reveal most things about my past to my therapist, did not reveal most things about my present. My wife also hid things from her therapist, and we jointly hid things during couples' counseling.

A shortlist of my dynamic in our relationship:

- Frequently ignoring her needs, or getting frustrated or angry when she wanted physical, non-sexual touch
- Rarely participating in housework or chores in favor of other work
- Anger directed at her for any perceived slight or criticism
- Moments of love and affection and involvement, sometimes lasting for as long as weeks, but never sustainable
- Impulsivity in a number of areas of our lives
- I once cheated on her by talking to women on dating apps and lied about it when caught and did it again, before finally stopping when she told me she considered the lying worse than cheating and relationship-ending if I ever did it again (I had no intention of doing anything but I know this doesn't matter, just mentioning because some people get wrapped up in specifics)
- Controlling behavior in the form of what we can watch together, what we can do together, etc, or just passive-aggressiveness with that (often exacerbated by her anxiety around and avoidance of decision-making)

Please do recognize that this is a particularly negative lens on our relationship and does not describe the full range of experiences we've shared together. There are, in my opinion, a lot of positives about us and our relationship. However, this is clearly a relationship that needs fixing, and both of us individually need to do a lot of work before a relationship is in the cards.

When I had my wake-up moment shortly after she moved out, I sometime after stumbled upon an article on BPD. I had no idea what the disorder was before, only knew the name and none of the details. The more I read, the more it was like someone was gifting me an explanation for all my confusion throughout my life. I cried a lot as I read along because it was just so cathartic to finally start to untangle the mystery of me.

Since then, I have put work on hold because I am fortunate enough that I can afford to do so for quite some time. I have restarted meditation, started practicing yoga, am working mindfulness into things (which has unexpected side effects, like I'm making healthier eating choices more frequently), and am working through some workbooks specific to BPD. I have decided not to pursue trying to establish any new friendships here. I work from home and am working to try to enjoy being okay by myself. I'm learning to play guitar. Really, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time.

We are meeting once per week to talk about things, and this has included conversations about what I believe to have been BPD's influence over our relationship. I have been emphatic that I don't view this is an excuse or a justification. For me personally it's giving me a new lease on life. Ultimately I am trying to work on being okay with an outcome where she leaves me, or even one where I can never be in a romantic relationship ever again.

My focus right now is self-love, but I also love her very dearly. I still – and especially now that I have a clear path to healing and to healthy patterns of behavior – believe that we can still share the future together we saw when we got married. You know, when I was happy to have her putting a ring on my finger and not when I was taking it off to throw it at her.

She is even more confused now than she was before. She sees me doing all these things I once claimed were nearly impossible for me to do. Housework: laundry, feeding our cat, cleaning the litter, dishes, and so on. She describes being surprised to actually have hard, deep, tough conversations with me without it devolving, with me speaking with clarity and understanding and love. And she just doesn't feel anything for me right now. (Of course, I do still screw up occasionally. I cross boundaries with her like talking about things with us too frequently, or getting upset if she doesn't reply to a text or something. But the frequency and severity is diminishing as I put some of these new habits into place.)

She says she still loves me, but it's not like how she feels she should love a husband, more like the love you would have for a family member or a friend. And she's not sure if she can get that love back again.

She's no longer interested in couples' therapy right now. She doesn't really consider herself to be in a relationship. She says it's hard for her to trust thoughts and feelings. She feels disconnected from me and disconnected from herself. She has no good sense of who she is, what a relationship should be, what love should look like. She just wants to be doing things on her own and that's all she wants for right now, and doesn't know how long that will take. She says she's never had a time in her life to think about just herself outside the context of a relationship (this is absolutely true).

She has no desire for a relationship right now. She wants to be fair to me. She doesn't want to make me feel like I'm waiting around. She doesn't want to be affecting my own work on myself negatively. She's still unsure if she wants to seek therapy again and for now just kind of wants to sit with things on her own.

I know that I need to let go for right now and focus on me. This is what I'm trying to do as best as I can. But I want to have hope that I haven't ruined things for us for forever. That said, I also want her to be happy. Genuinely want her to be happy. I've been unhappy for a long time that I could see that she was unhappy with me so much of the time. And that I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. In retrospect, it's clear as to what was wrong, clear what I was doing and clear how she would feel confused and conflicted. If she feels like she can't trust me again, or can't trust herself, or any outcome that precludes us being together, I want to give her my full support and respect her wish.

I am trying to be better at accepting uncertainty and stop trying to predict the future. But my workbook talks a lot about realistic evaluations of thoughts, feelings, and situations. And also talks about being able to plan for bad outcomes that can be predicted, and how to influence what you can do in the present moment.

For those of you who have been through this, from either side, is there anything I can be doing better right now? Anything I should obviously be doing? Does my evaluation of the situation seem reasonable to you? Is there anything that she should be aware of about what to expect from me? Is there anything that I should be aware of about what to expect from her?

Any advice or wisdom you can share would be really deeply appreciated. And I'm happy to fill in the gaps or answer any questions you may have. I know there are plenty here, but this post is already quite long.

Thank you in advance!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blackorchid]

welcome irightthebook

I'm not sure really what to say, other than I find it amazing that you've joined us and to hear it through a pBDP account is eyeopening.  My pwBPD has currently split me black and has walked out on me. So I know how heartbreaking it is to be without your partner.

I hope that other members will be able to give you advice

[irightthebook]

welcome irightthebook

I'm not sure really what to say, other than I find it amazing that you've joined us and to hear it through a pBDP account is eyeopening.  My pwBPD has currently split me black and has walked out on me. So I know how heartbreaking it is to be without your partner.

I hope that other members will be able to give you advice

Thanks for the warm welcome.

And I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'd love to say that I would never have walked out on my wife, but I also swore I was fundamentally against the idea of infidelity, too. And I just found myself writing that I used to think it may have helped her not feel so hurt by me if I had just left her, or had ended my own life, et cetera.

But clearly that is not true and shows me I still have that BPD lens in place that's clouding my judgement. It's not healthy to think that leaving someone will somehow end the hurt. Or suicide? No. No, that just leaves the partner without BPD with even more self-doubt about themselves and their role in the relationship. Recognizing when you're hurting someone, being honest with yourself, working to change things, and then respecting both of your individual rights to self-determination: that's the healthy response. I think.

I hope you discover how to be happy. Maybe it's with your partner, maybe it's not. But happiness is yours to find and to hold regardless.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear irightthebook-

Welcome to our family-

What a truly remarkable and positively life-changing gift you are giving yourself.  And anyone brave enough to read what you’ve written.  I also have some BPD traits, which I recognized myself one day in therapy.  My T had no intention of telling me, although she did say my traits at this point (I’m 61) wouldn’t be severe enough to qualify for a diagnosis.  But not to worry... I do qualify for other diagnoses.  Ha!

The high level of your self-reflection and acceptance of responsibility for the current status of your marriage is pretty amazing.  Pretty unheard of from pwBPD (people with BPD, or  strong BPD traits).  They generally lack the ability to look inward and accept responsibility for things that go wrong in a relationship.  You are NOT the norm.

I believe you are doing all the right things to heal yourself.  When we “wake up”, we’ve got to look deeply at our FOO (family of origin); and try to understand things that may have deeply hurt or affected us negatively during our formative years.  We don’t need to BLAME anyone, but we need to heal any trauma that may have taken place (at the hands/from the cruel mouths of family, neighbors, etc).  This often explains “disordered” behavior as we grow up.  I actually connected mine last year.  My uBPDbf (undiagnosed BPD boyfriend) is now connecting the extreme abuse during his childhood with his behavior and RAGES. He continues to be twisted in the wind by his NARC mother.

Do you think your W may exhibit Codependent tendencies?  Those behaviors are difficult to understand, and her words - not knowing her feelings, not trusting how she feels... kind of indicate (to me) she may have coD traits.  It’s not unusual for BPD’s and CoD’s To partner.  The least painful description of Codepency I’ve come across is from Julia Kristina (a 12 min 38 second you tube video).  She’s a Canadian therapist.  Take a listen if you’d like.

At any rate, welcome.  There are tons of resources here (most for partners and family members of people with BPD).  However with your awareness and willingness to learn and better yourself, I think this information can only help you.

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[irightthebook]

What a truly remarkable and positively life-changing gift you are giving yourself.  And anyone brave enough to read what you’ve written.  I also have some BPD traits, which I recognized myself one day in therapy.  My T had no intention of telling me, although she did say my traits at this point (I’m 61) wouldn’t be severe enough to qualify for a diagnosis.  But not to worry... I do qualify for other diagnoses.  Ha!

The high level of your self-reflection and acceptance of responsibility for the current status of your marriage is pretty amazing.  Pretty unheard of from pwBPD (people with BPD, or  strong BPD traits).  They generally lack the ability to look inward and accept responsibility for things that go wrong in a relationship.  You are NOT the norm.

Thanks for this. I do feel proud of where I've gotten in a short amount of time. I feel that I genuinely wanted to be okay before, that 10 prior years of therapy was just misdirected. But I did have a willingness to change in a general sense before. I've also realized that one of my double-edged swords is my own intelligence which can manifest in intellectualizing and rationalizing behaviors to my own detriment.

The wake-up call for me, though, was the realization that I was being "abandoned" by my wife. Any past feelings of abandonment were, in comparison, trivial compared to this. Although I doubted that she really loved me, at times hated her for loving me – because what's wrong with her that she could love someone so obviously broken? – I also thought she would never leave me, would never not love me. To have that faith finally shaken was what helped me stop repressing and allowed me to finally be truly vulnerable.

I believe you are doing all the right things to heal yourself.  When we “wake up”, we’ve got to look deeply at our FOO (family of origin); and try to understand things that may have deeply hurt or affected us negatively during our formative years.  We don’t need to BLAME anyone, but we need to heal any trauma that may have taken place (at the hands/from the cruel mouths of family, neighbors, etc).  This often explains “disordered” behavior as we grow up.  I actually connected mine last year.  My uBPDbf (undiagnosed BPD boyfriend) is now connecting the extreme abuse during his childhood with his behavior and RAGES. He continues to be twisted in the wind by his NARC mother.

This I have definitely discovered working through my current workbook. I always dismissed any past trauma with air quotes: "trauma." I wasn't deserving of the label. I wasn't comparative to "real trauma." That was perhaps my cornerstone mistake. Feels good to find the truth, doesn't it? Hard, yes. Really, really hard. But the best things tend to be hard.

I actually have scanned the handwritten responses from my workbook but could even type up and share some of them if it's of interest to anyone. I'm a pretty open book in general and have been trying to find ways to be a bit more altruistic, so if it's useful or could provide more context I could share the things that I think connect up core content to current behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. Seems like there's a lack sometimes of genuine (if sometimes confused and distorted) insight straight from those with BPD traits.

Do you think your W may exhibit Codependent tendencies?  Those behaviors are difficult to understand, and her words - not knowing her feelings, not trusting how she feels... kind of indicate (to me) she may have coD traits.  It’s not unusual for BPD’s and CoD’s To partner.  The least painful description of Codepency I’ve come across is from Julia Kristina (a 12 min 38 second you tube video).  She’s a Canadian therapist.  Take a listen if you’d like.

I'm glad you bring this up, because I think that's quite possible. In fact, it's why I'm so proud and grateful to her for having taken the step to separate herself in the first place. That's still really hard for me to say because I miss her so much. But I would have no chance to stop hurting myself and others without that step. And moreover, she would continue to be living in the fog herself. (As an aside, I even wrote a poem about the feeling I had having sucked her into my world and held onto her there. As you can imagine, not the lightest, happiest poetry.)

I watched the video you mentioned, and my wife did a lot of the things that were described in there. It makes me wonder if there's equally a chance for her to recover, a path to being whole and healthy. And I wonder if that path precludes me. That's honestly scary to consider. I know I probably would not feel okay being with her if I felt like she were simply with me in order to feed her own codependency. At some level that just becomes about trust, which is why I've also been reading What Makes Love Last?, but through this additional awareness of BPD.

At any rate, welcome.  There are tons of resources here (most for partners and family members of people with BPD).  However with your awareness and willingness to learn and better yourself, I think this information can only help you.

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

I hope to keep posting and hopefully helping some others here along the way. Thanks for your thoughts and for making me think more here.

[Harri]

Congratulations on taking the first step to healing.  It takes a great deal of courage to seek help!

This site is a support group for those who are or were in a relationship with a person with BPD, so many of the posts can be triggering to a BPD sufferer. There are resources of the type you're seeking. Please check out Resources for BPD Sufferers.

I wish you all the best in your healing process.

Harri