Excessive sleep and pain intolerance for pBPD?

[1315]

Has anyone else experienced this? My wife who is not diagnosed with BPD, but I believe suffers from it has ongoing issues that I have not seen addressed. I was doing some research  and  found some results from government research that said among other things that people who suffer from BPD often have poor overall quality of sleep. My wife wanted to nap frequently. She would nap daily if she could for several hours. I though this was unusual because of her age (34-46 during our relationship). Another issue attribute to pBPD was pain intolerance (ie chronic pain syndromes). This is also very prevalent for her. We went to the Emergency Room for headaches. At first, I thought this was strange and questioned her about it. This, of course would cause a blow up so I learned not to question it. I would just drive her to the ER. Every ache and pain she experienced was broadcast to all of us in the house. I am kind of the opposite and I mostly ignore discomfort. Maybe this is why I would continue to live with my sometimes abusive, manipulative and self-centered wife. It was just constant complaints about different pain and an endless pursuit of treatments. Chiropractor, holistic treatments, CBD oil, massage, a dangerous amount of Advil per day. Something was always afflicting her. Just wondering if anyone else experienced anything like this?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Birddog]

I see a lot of this, I thought it was either body perfection or looking for sympathy or victimhood. On flip side, if I was sick, it was questioned to the nth degree, father in law had similar experience with his ex. My spouse has some legitimate health concerns, but a lot of other things have gotten thrown in over the years.

Theory is if I was sick, that put me in the victim role, spouse wanted that role, because it excused her from all responsibility.

[SadtimesAZ]

The two obvious signs are factitious disorder and narcolepsy. Seems to be a common thing if she was a victim of munchausen by proxy by a caregiver. It's not necessarily that she is trying to play victim, she was raised by a caregiver who needed to her to be sick so they could be her "savior". It's hero/martyr complex. It will continue to manifest long into adulthood. I've seen it first hand and if you have ever been around the person's parents you will pick up on the cues of the relationship. Remember personality disorders are caused by genetics/environment/brain trauma. If you know the history you can track it back to something.

[once removed]

i dont know the stats offhand, so i want to be very careful.

sleep issues are somewhat commonly linked to BPD, i know that night terrors are.

It was just constant complaints about different pain and an endless pursuit of treatments

this isnt uncommon either.

think back. have you ever noticed it occurring at a time that your attention might have waxed or waned?

[Birddog]

Yep,

Can confirm munchausen by proxy in my SOs case.

Mother was LPN caregiver, self described “medical expert”, needed kids sick for lifetime of control.

It didn’t go so well her last visit.

[Stillhopeful4]

I can relate to this.  My W who's in her early 40's has sleep issues & pain issues.

She can nap at the drop of a dime.  We couldn't even watch a movie because she would fall asleep a few minutes into it.  At night she was a very very light sleeper and complained of never getting a full nights sleep.  And if things were bad between us, she wouldn't sleep at all and would just toss and turn all night and wake up and watch tv.

She also has chronic pain from something, neck, back, legs, also several bouts of gastro issues that come and go all the time, but yes it always seems like there is something "wrong" physically and she makes everyone well aware of it.

SH4

[1315]

My wife was always in some kind of pain. I know that people have chronic pain but it was the constant need to share it with me or the kids that caught my attention. I would always feel so bad because it seemed like there was nothing I could do. Maybe that was the point. Somehow she wanted me to have some ownership in the pain? I don't know because I am just learning about the way people with BPD think. I have also read on other online sources therapists saying groups like this just blame bad relationships and poor communication on BPD. That may be true. I think that is the reason I keep looking into something that is likely out of my life now. I need some answers as to why this person I love so much would suddenly throw me away. That, and I don't want to do this again.

[SadtimesAZ]

1315 every person is the result of genetics and environment. Like I said in my original response most likely your ex has some deep rooted experience from childhood that will affect her for the rest of her life. The failed relationships are a byproduct of something you have no control over. You will read it over and over here "I wish I had known" "I wish I had done something". It's a normal feeling of remorse or grief from loss.

[once removed]

I have also read on other online sources therapists saying groups like this just blame bad relationships and poor communication on BPD. That may be true. I think that is the reason I keep looking into something that is likely out of my life now. I need some answers as to why this person I love so much would suddenly throw me away. That, and I don't want to do this again.

when people are hurting, they look for answers. they may cope by blaming. this is why newbies here are given a wide berth to vent and release pain, while members patiently work with them to get to a more centered place when theyre ready.

knowledge of BPD can be a very useful tool whether youre in a relationship or detaching from one. it can also be the opposite; its really about how you use it.

im nearly nine years out of my relationship now. i know that there was plenty of my relationship that had nothing to do with BPD traits. i know that i was as much a part of the problem as she was. i know that we were just two young immature people that loved each other, but fought hard, and ultimately, we werent a good match.

i also know that bpd traits played a significant role in my relationship (it doesnt take more than a splash of BPD to make for a very difficult partner), and there were aspects of my relationship i couldnt ultimately live with, and dealt with really badly at the time. we may not have been a good match, but i know that i could have coped better, and i could have behaved better, and i could have dealt with conflict a lot more constructively. ideally, thats what we are on this board (Bettering) to learn how to do. we are also here to learn how to support our partners and lead our relationships on a healthier trajectory, and that requires some knowledge, coupled with realistic expectations.

this is partly why i always urge caution with threads seeking common experiences. we had a member years ago inquire about bpd and thyroid disorders, got some anecdotal "mine has one", decided there was a link, and proposed that the government could screen for BPD based on thyroid disorders. someone did the same thing with red hair and left handedness. there isnt really a question you could ask where you wont get several people saying "me too". questions are good, but equally important is what we hope to learn and do with that information.

Method

Data were analyzed (N=5,692) from the National Comorbidity Survey – Replication Part II sample (NCS-R; Kessler & Merikangas, 2004), which assessed personality disorders and sleep problems. Rates of chronic sleep disturbances (difficulty initiating sleep, difficulty maintaining sleep, and waking earlier than desired), as well as the consequences of poor sleep, were examined. Indices for BPD diagnosis and symptoms were used in logistic and linear regression analyses to predict sleep and associated problems after accounting for chronic health problems, Axis I comorbidity, suicidal ideation over the last year, and key sociodemographic variables.
Results

BPD was significantly associated with all three chronic sleep problems assessed, as well as with the consequences of poor sleep. The magnitude of the association between BPD and sleep problems was comparable to Axis I disorders traditionally associated with sleep problems. BPD symptoms interacted with chronic sleep problems to predict elevated social/emotional, cognitive, and self-care impairment.
Conclusions

Sleep disturbances are consistently associated with BPD symptoms, as are the daytime consequences of poor sleep. There may also be a synergistic effect where BPD symptoms are aggravated by poor sleep and lead to higher levels of functional impairment. Sleep in patients with BPD should be routinely assessed, and ameliorating chronic sleep problems may enhance treatment by improving emotion regulation and implementation of therapeutic skills.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4129646/

[Birddog]

Once Removed,

Totally agree, so easy to pre-judge, overgeneralize.

Where I found helpful on board is with awareness, I found I have choices I didn’t think I had before, and not to burn energy on things out of my control.. it’s not a one size fits all approach by any means, and stopped looking for a single silver bullet a while ago.

Just some Examples trying, sometimes work, sometimes don’t:

Kids causing stress, roll up sleeves, working on parenting style.

Spouse stressed by kid, find ways to relieve.

Sleep/stress amp up the traits, how can we change lifestyle to better accommodate those needs.

Karpman triangle, convert to Power triangle (TED), find healthier roles, attachment.

If I am getting overrun, learning to be clear on boundaries

SO not getting enough sleep at night, help with that.

SO devaluing, understand she is projecting past shame, don’t take personally, understand it for what it is.

SO unreliable, accept out of my control, and find other means

I can arrange for separate transportation.

I can choose my activities, find ways to address abandonment fears.

Going through EMDR, a majority of the painful tapes in my mind were prior to awareness of BPD, I wasn’t equipped for such a relationship then, still learning. Learning coping tools, number of painful tapes are diminished and brain is processing the situations differently now.

I take responsibility for wanting to stay in this relationship, if spouse wants out, I am accepting of that, told her would give her a period of time where I would have to close the door if we drifted too far apart, and that was okay.

[waverider]

My wife has erratic sleeping habits will stay awake a couple of days straight, stressing over this and that.  By the end of the period she will be tired to the point slurring and stumbling, not unlike a sleep deprived toddler. Then she may crash for a couple of days. No matter how much she talks about structuring her sleep, doesn't happen. Her whole sleeping and eating pattern is based on impulse and has no synchronisation with living a normal life

This is part because she doesn't have the cause and effect of what happens when she misses any obligations the next day. Also I think the sleep deprivation is another drugging out coping mechanism. Also self loathing (doesn't deserve sleep)

The whole endless woe is me "I'm in pain" cycle is never ending. Yet even though she may claim to be in pain from back/leg/ foot pain, I dont see her acting the part, guarding, hobbling, pangs getting out of a chair etc. Its mainly words and misery. Sometimes i think it is transferring psychological pain into physical expression. A constant need for validation that she is genuinely "in pain". Again like a toddler the pain lasts as long as it takes to be distracted by something else.

The more she has retreated from the real world the more one  pain issue is being distracted by the next one, as there is no real life filling the gaps anymore