Ex wants to put tracking device on child

[trappeddad]

The device is within a watch.    How do I tell my  9 YO boy we need to take that off at my home.   I do not think there is a simple legal recourse I can use to disallow it.

[JNChell]

Hi, trappeddad. Did your ex give a reasonable explanation as to why she wants to place a tracking device on your son? Such things are more typically suited for people on house arrest or under investigation. Can you explain the situation a little more in depth?

[livednlearned]

I had to do that with my son's phone when he was in middle school. The phone stayed in a box in the garage.

I just explained that's how it was going to work when he was with me.

What do you want to say to your son? How do you think he would respond?

[kells76]

Hey trappeddad;

Sigh... I just SMH sometimes at the wacky stuff we have to deal with. Glad you can be here to talk about it.

Echoing LnL's question, how do you think your S views this? Is he the "if Mom says it, then Mom is right and I'll defend it" kind of kid? Or if you said something like "Eh, we don't have to do that here, buddy", would he be accepting?

Thinking about responses reminded me of something Dr. Craig Childress wrote about emotional tone. I'd encourage you to check out pages 14-16 of this article: www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=63&TID=6&FN=pdf

(it doesn't copy/paste very well, so I'll try to sum it up here for those tracking this thread)

Basically, happiness/laughter are socially bonding. Also, being able to stay at an "emotional tone" level of 1-2 (versus a 10, something like explosive anger), actually signals that you, the adult, are in control. When we're able to lovingly, with warmth and bemusement, use "dismissive surprise" to invalidate (in a good way, this time) any wild accusations coming from our kids, that can be really powerful.

So, if someone's kid is in this circumstance ("Mom says I have to wear the watch here and you hate her and don't want me to, even though I want to"), instead of taking the bait and raising the emotional tone of the interaction, some parents have success in keeping the tone at that 1-2, where it's on the level of "Oh? Yeah, that sounds like Mom. Well, I haven't lost you yet, here, but we can sure try!" kind of stuff.

Interested in hearing more from you, trappeddad!

[david]

My ex bought our oldest boy a cell phone. He was 10 at the time. We went to the Jersey shore for  vacation with one of their older brothers. He was exs' son from her first marriage. We were there for about an hour and ex called our son and asked him how things were going. Her conversation included letting S10 know she had tracked him and knew where we were. He said nothing to his mom but was furious. He wrapped his phone in aluminum foil after that whenever we went out somewhere. 
 

[Newyoungfather]

Hello All,
I just recently went through the exact same ordeal with my exBPD however it involved a tablet.
Simple Solution: I bought the exact same tablet and downloaded the exact same children games on the tablet and even bought the same tablet protector. My son is only 3 but when his mom insist that he brings his tablet I just hide his in my cupboard and give him the one I bought for him.  My son is only 3 so I don't know if it will work with the watch.

[Quicksylver]

The main selling point of these kind of high-tech watches is the tracking GPS thing. Is it possible that your BPD was hyped up on getting a fancy gift for your child, and is trying to use the tracking feature as a selling point? BPDs are SO into worst-case scenario selling, I could imagine them easily getting sucked into the idea of their child getting kidnapped but then saved by this trusty GPS system. Plus it would also obviously allow them to see where soccer practice is being held, where their after school play-date is being held, all kinds of information I wouldn't want my BPD to have access to.

I'd be suspicious -especially if BPD is the one setting it up (typically there's an app on your phone that you download and sync to the device). If it allows any kind of phone call or texting features. BPD would be able to add her contact info in there and then communicate with your child whenever she wanted. Not sure if you have any kind of communication standards or monitoring -but if so- major red flag.

We have a strict rule in our house that anything that comes over to our house from BPD goes into this specific drawer in our hallway. Anything my SD wears back from BPD's house gets washed and put into this drawer, any toys she comes home with, any drawings or school work she wants to show BPD, etc. We would put the watch in this drawer and let SD know that she can wear it during her time with BPD. This has been a rule for so long that SD would likely provide very little push back on the issue. BPD would obviously be livid...but that would change nothing and eventually she'd move on to her next big idea.

[livednlearned]

You can also present it as a values thing.

Figuring out who knows what about you, what you're doing, where you go, what you say is not just an issue with BPD ex spouses and coparenting.

You might have a value about privacy over convenience.

"I don't know enough about what's on here to feel comfortable with it in the house. It's a powerful computer and that can mean all kinds of things that I'm still learning about. This is our home and I prefer to err on the side of feeling safe."