update on DD 16

[StressedOutDaily]

Hi Everyone,

I've haven't been posting much the last 6 weeks or so - using the time my DD was in residential to chill, reconnect with DH and spend time with DS.

Our DD, 16, was in an inpatient psch ward at the hospital for 10 days after running away, then we got her into a short term RTC.  Ideally it's a 60-90 day program.  Wednesday afternoon we found out insurance said no more - she comes home this afternoon.   We are trying to get her into a PHP (partial hospitization program) for Monday.   She is not happy, wants to go back to school and go to an afternoon IOP. 

She has made some progress - can tolerate much more distress without lashing out. However she still is not able to take accountibility for her actions, and still is expressing that, for the most part, it is us and others who are responsible. 

Yesterday we had our last family therapy session, where we started to discuss our family contract - one of the things they have the clients do is look at their friends and put them into 3 categories . 1. sober and supportive . 2 non sober and supportive .  3 non  supportive.      We discussed a particular friend and how he is in category 2, which means that for now he can come to the house and visit here and until such time as we get to know him and develop some trust in both DD and him, no visits outside of the house when we are home.    Last nigh DD called and told me his is coming on Saturday, and she plans on going out somewhere with him...I reminded her of our conversation in family therapy ...and she started giving me crap, "nothing to do at our house", you met him already, I dont see why I cant...

Feeling very stressed out at the prospect of her coming home.  I know a lot of it is fear, some of it is the unknown still of a plan for aftercare still being up in the air.  She may have been just testing the waters to see if we are going to hold fast to our boundaries...

Trying to be grateful that we had this 55 days to recharge, that she had 45 days of therapy.   Knowing that things will be different when she comes home - we have all learned skills that will help us navigate.  We have family and friends that now know (to a degree  what has been going on for the past year and are supportive, so we are no longer alone in this.

choosing to be optimistically cautious.   

~SOD

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Sounds like progress to me. One step at a time.

[PeaceMom]

SOD-
I’m so glad you’ve had a break. I’ve been in your shoes where insurance stops abruptly and the kid comes home the next day.
ReEntry is tricky. I like the friend categories -simple to use. Was the RTC DBT based?
Typically the contracts are very strict -things like taking door off hinges, limiting the teenager’s clothing, makeup, etc.

It’s encouraging that she’s tolerating stress better and that you’ve had family sessions to get some of this out in the open with a therapist mediating. My DD19 was able to go to a PHP that was “DBT Informed” where they taught skills and used the daily skills charts and cards.

Sending good thoughts your ways during this transitional time.

[StressedOutDaily]

Peace

Yes it was DBT based ... the family therapy portion is based on making a stronger family connections, so the child feels heard and will go to the parents and be open...praying this works. 

The contract is not that strict - but does set boundaries, consequences, rewards, etc that families decide together.  Unfortunately because of the timing of insurance, we were not able to get the whole contract resolved, but did get through a couple of important pieces.  We will need to work with the new family therapist of the PHP or IOP on the rest of the contract. 

One of strategies (for lack of a better word) the family therapist had us take the quiz  to see which love language each of us responds better to.   I ended up buying the books (5 love languages - couples and teenagers by Gary Chapman) .   My daughter's love language is gifts...no surprise there.  However what opened my eyes is that first - gift is #5 for me, and how to give gifts so your teen feels loved was very surprising for me, and something I have not done well...something that I am now trying to do differently.    My son's is word of affection - Im better at that, however DH is not...we have both been trying to make changes using Chapmans tips with DS and are noticing a difference.   

~SOD

[PeaceMom]

SOD-
Love the 5 love languages books. I hadn’t even thought to use that w/DD bc she’s so needy overall. Thanks for the reminder. Hers is prob Gifts, too. Mine is Acts if Service, so I work my butt off and all she really wants are gifts and me to solve her huge messes.

You’ve got me thinking now! I guess I thought she was too far gone in her MH issues to just go back to the simple love language skills. All I’ve been doing is validating and not pushing ANY agenda on her and she does seem less explosive.

I’m going to pull out the Chapman test again. So pleased you mentioned it!