Feeling Hopless

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 15-year-old son was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic Tendencies, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, and Persistent Depression when he was evaluated in January 2016. We have had him in therapy for the past 5 years, where therapists have attempted to use DBT techniques to improve his coping skills. After a mental break this past spring when he told us he had attempted suicide in the past and was feeling despondent saying he couldn't live without his girlfriend after a break-up, we admitted him to an inpatient hospital for 5 days.

We thought things were looking up after the stay, since he had admitted for the first time that he had BPD (after years of saying we paid the evaluators to make up a diagnosis) and could see how the DBT techniques could help him. However, after reconnecting with his girlfriend, he again began to slide into a bad mental place. We told him he could no longer be with her, as she was emotionally and physically abusive, as well as controlling and manipulating him. He was unhappy with us, but was honestly stable until he called her parents one night to report her threats of suicide and her self-harming behaviors. At that point, her parents said he could not speak to her at all, changed her schedule to avoid classes with him, and told the school to punish him if he had any contact with her.

School then became a hugely toxic atmosphere, where the vice principal called our son into his office when he next spoke to the girl and threatened to discipline him if he did so again. Over the next two days, she would approach our son and denigrate him, so we told the VP about the incident. The VP caught her in a lie, trying to blame our son, but he saw on camera how she had sat and waited for him and chased him out of the building to speak to him. Of course, however, she received no discipline. Then, her friends started harassing him, spreading rumors and verbally attacking him in the hallways. I am not saying he was perfect in their relationship by any means, because he did talk to other girls and he was often angry on the phone, but his ex was taking the things we saw her do to our son (self-harming to manipulate, taking his social media passwords and deleting friends) and then say he had done those things to her. He has been miserable in school, even after we had his 504 amended to allow for excused mental health days, allowing him a safe space in times of stress, and going to the counselor instead of the administrators if he did initiate unwelcome contact. He always seems so overwhelmed by his anxiety that he cannot focus on anything academic, and his grades are horrendous. As he is already at 150 mg dosage for Zoloft, we cannot increase it; his psychologist also feels the depression is situational, and therefore antidepressants would not help.

To cope with the pain of feeling like the girl he loved is now attacking him, he is reaching out on SnapChat to find girls who will give him attention or seeking reacquaintance with past girlfriends who were obsessive over him. He has always shown signs of being a "love addict." He says he feels like he is unworthy of love, he is worthless in general, and has no hope for life. He just wants it all to be over. Last night, we discovered he was talking to a girl in college and trying to make plans to meet up with her. We tried putting parent controls on his phone to limit this kind of contact, but he just finds a way to remove them. We want him to have a way to reach out to his supportive and healthy friends, so if we take his phone, he will likely no longer be able to do that since teens only seem to use SnapChat to communicate these days. However, we cannot get him to stop abusing his access by reaching out to random girls for love and attention.

I also want to homeschool him, at least for the next few months until next semester, in the hopes of getting him out of the toxic environment at school so he can get his mental state back to a healthier baseline. Right now he seems to be in an existential crisis that he is managing with his love addiction. School is not a priority at all. I hate to take him away from seeing his healthy friends daily, but I also think his failing classes and dealing with the harassment are not worth the benefit of a few positive interactions.

Am I wrong? What should I do? None of my friends and family really understand what is going on, and seem to think I am just dealing with a "typical teenager." My husband and I feel so alone and hopeless in how to help him. He does see a therapist once weekly (or more so lately) as well as a psychiatrist every 6 weeks, but it seems to do little other than allow him a space to vent his frustrations. I just look at him now and cannot imagine how he will ever get his life together to be able to get his driver's license (based on our lack of trust with him), go to college and not fail out, or hold a job, any job. Our entire family is suffering, and we know it is taking a toll on our younger sons (ages 11 and 6) also. We just need some advice from parents who have lived through this.

[FreyaEire1976]

My 15-year-old son was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic Tendencies, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, and Persistent Depression when he was evaluated in January 2016. We have had him in therapy for the past 5 years, where therapists have attempted to use DBT techniques to improve his coping skills. After a mental break this past spring when he told us he had attempted suicide in the past and was feeling despondent saying he couldn't live without his girlfriend after a break-up, we admitted him to an inpatient hospital for 5 days.

We thought things were looking up after the stay, since he had admitted for the first time that he had BPD (after years of saying we paid the evaluators to make up a diagnosis) and could see how the DBT techniques could help him. However, after reconnecting with his girlfriend, he again began to slide into a bad mental place. We told him he could no longer be with her, as she was emotionally and physically abusive, as well as controlling and manipulating him. He was unhappy with us, but was honestly stable until he called her parents one night to report her threats of suicide and her self-harming behaviors. At that point, her parents said he could not speak to her at all, changed her schedule to avoid classes with him, and told the school to punish him if he had any contact with her.

School then became a hugely toxic atmosphere, where the vice principal called our son into his office when he next spoke to the girl and threatened to discipline him if he did so again. Over the next two days, she would approach our son and denigrate him, so we told the VP about the incident. The VP caught her in a lie, trying to blame our son, but he saw on camera how she had sat and waited for him and chased him out of the building to speak to him. Of course, however, she received no discipline. Then, her friends started harassing him, spreading rumors and verbally attacking him in the hallways. I am not saying he was perfect in their relationship by any means, because he did talk to other girls and he was often angry on the phone, but his ex was taking the things we saw her do to our son (self-harming to manipulate, taking his social media passwords and deleting friends) and then say he had done those things to her. He has been miserable in school, even after we had his 504 amended to allow for excused mental health days, allowing him a safe space in times of stress, and going to the counselor instead of the administrators if he did initiate unwelcome contact. He always seems so overwhelmed by his anxiety that he cannot focus on anything academic, and his grades are horrendous. As he is already at 150 mg dosage for Zoloft, we cannot increase it; his psychologist also feels the depression is situational, and therefore antidepressants would not help.

To cope with the pain of feeling like the girl he loved is now attacking him, he is reaching out on SnapChat to find girls who will give him attention or seeking reacquaintance with past girlfriends who were obsessive over him. He has always shown signs of being a "love addict." He says he feels like he is unworthy of love, he is worthless in general, and has no hope for life. He just wants it all to be over. Last night, we discovered he was talking to a girl in college and trying to make plans to meet up with her. We tried putting parent controls on his phone to limit this kind of contact, but he just finds a way to remove them. We want him to have a way to reach out to his supportive and healthy friends, so if we take his phone, he will likely no longer be able to do that since teens only seem to use SnapChat to communicate these days. However, we cannot get him to stop abusing his access by reaching out to random girls for love and attention.

I also want to homeschool him, at least for the next few months until next semester, in the hopes of getting him out of the toxic environment at school so he can get his mental state back to a healthier baseline. Right now he seems to be in an existential crisis that he is managing with his love addiction. School is not a priority at all. I hate to take him away from seeing his healthy friends daily, but I also think his failing classes and dealing with the harassment are not worth the benefit of a few positive interactions.

Am I wrong? What should I do? None of my friends and family really understand what is going on, and seem to think I am just dealing with a "typical teenager." My husband and I feel so alone and hopeless in how to help him. He does see a therapist once weekly (or more so lately) as well as a psychiatrist every 6 weeks, but it seems to do little other than allow him a space to vent his frustrations. I just look at him now and cannot imagine how he will ever get his life together to be able to get his driver's license (based on our lack of trust with him), go to college and not fail out, or hold a job, any job. Our entire family is suffering, and we know it is taking a toll on our younger sons (ages 11 and 6) also. We just need some advice from parents who have lived through this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello FreyaEire
I can't claim to be one who has lived through this as I am still in the middle of the painful journey of parenting a child with BPD. It really is one step at a time. I am happy you found us. If anything it helps to know you are not alone and you are not. We will all walk with you. The first step is to find some peace within yourself. You say your son is in therapy which is good. Are you in therapy too? Are you finding other ways of caring for yourself? We are here for you.
Hugs
Faith

[cbusmom]

Hello FreyaEire1976

Welcome. I have only been here a few weeks and there is so much info and tools shared here.

I want to say that the situations you describe are so similar to what my own dsBPD 22 has went through and still goes through. Especially the girlfriend who pokes the bear and then cries. Same as you, I can see the parts my son played in making bad situations. Just recently we are dealing with an ex girlfriend who my DS has a 6 month old daughter with. I see tons of evidence of at least BPD with her if not full blown NPD. Everything is done for the attention of her social media 'fans'. She also got access to his social media from an old phone. She shared screen shots online. This caused him to be harrassed by hundreds of people online. She also used info from private messages to file for a no contact order. His words were terrible and justifiably enough for the judge to grant the order. In his defense though, I truly dont think he would do the things he spouted off in anger. He has never been physical with his abuse. I was ecstatic when during the court hearing the judge granted temporary visitation. I felt more than just bit vindicated because I suspect that part of this whole ordeal was an attempt to keep him from the baby. He hadnt seen the baby since June. He just had his first visit with her M, T & W this week.

 Others may disagree but I think that homeschooling is a good idea. If this had happened to my son while in school and with even less impulse control than he has now being 15 instead of 22 I would worry about his safety. Either from self infliction or from running his mouth to people and getting jumped. It is good to hear that the school administration seems to see that the GF is causing some of this and now are not laying the full blame on your DS. But... I personally do not have much faith in the schools to be on top of this. I think they can be oblivious sometimes by choice.