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Author Topic: 9 months of silent treatment (just some venting)  (Read 876 times)
Vanilla Sky
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Relationship status: LC after 1+ year of NC
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« on: September 20, 2019, 12:24:41 PM »

It's been 9 months of silent treatment from my uBPD/uNPD mother. This time I decided to let the SL go longer and work on myself.  I've been going to therapy and reading, going to the gym, spending time with husband and friends. Some days are tough, but I have learned more about myself than ever before and I know I can go through those days. It's just sad to realize that it's been 9 months already.

She didn't speak to her son (my older brother) for 4 years after some argument. Then my brother got tired of my father asking him to call her. He called and apologized for whatever he has said. She said "that is all I wanted to hear". Not a surprise that she did not make any slight effort to recognize where she has done wrong. She waited for 4 years. She lost the first years of her grandson because of that. I tried to show pictures of her grandson and she would just turn her face and walk away. What matters to her is to be right or to be the victim, and it is not a surprise that she is getting more and more lonely.
« Last Edit: September 20, 2019, 12:39:42 PM by Vanilla Sky » Logged
Harri
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« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2019, 02:33:41 PM »

Hi Vanilla Sky.

Silent treatment is one of the things that can really hurt me deeply and it triggers all sorts of feeling and issues in me.  I am sorry you are dealing with this from your mom.  It sounds like you are doing all you can to cope with this and in very healthy ways.  I think the best way to deal with ST is to just go about your business as you have been doing.

Are you thinking of re-establishing contact?  What are your thoughts if she chooses to continue with the ST?
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
zachira
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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2019, 02:35:06 PM »

My heart aches hearing you describe how your mother treats you and your brother. The silent treatment can be the most painful of all because the person being ignored feels like he/she does not matter while the person doing the silencing seems to just go on as if nothing has happened. Having your own mother treat you this way is excrutiatingly painful. I am glad you are sharing with us your feelings which can lessen the pain with time. Keep us posted on how we can help and how you are doing.
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Vanilla Sky
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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2019, 03:26:45 PM »

Hi Harri  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Silent treatment is one of the things that can really hurt me deeply and it triggers all sorts of feeling and issues in me.

It's tough. It makes me feel helpless because I know she will do this again, and it just drives us apart. I think manipulating others is all she knows.

Are you thinking of re-establishing contact?  What are your thoughts if she chooses to continue with the ST?

I am kind of on and off thinking about that - how to re-establish contact. Yes, I want to at some point, but I know I need to work more on myself before that can happen. If I'm still feeling like a scared little girl around her, that's probably not the time yet. My therapist asked me the same thing the other day. I told her that I fear the day that I will call my mother and she will hang up on me. My T said that we are usually afraid of the unknown and that my mother will likely act in ways that I already know, either hang up on me or rage. That what I am afraid of how is how it will make me feel. I hope that I can be somewhat prepared for that, have a plan or something. If she chooses to continue with the ST, I hope that I can detach enough that I can live my life without guilt.
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Vanilla Sky
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« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2019, 03:49:53 PM »

My heart aches hearing you describe how your mother treats you and your brother. The silent treatment can be the most painful of all because the person being ignored feels like he/she does not matter while the person doing the silencing seems to just go on as if nothing has happened. Having your own mother treat you this way is excrutiatingly painful. I am glad you are sharing with us your feelings which can lessen the pain with time. Keep us posted on how we can help and how you are doing.

Zachira, thank you for your kind words Virtual hug (click to insert in post) It means a lot to have this community.
I have seen her giving the ST to my brother and father and it didn't look pretty on her side. She was depressive most of the time, she really believes that she is always the victim that was treated unfairly, even when other people try to show her otherwise.
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Harri
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« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2019, 01:06:21 PM »

Quote from:  Vanilla Sky
If I'm still feeling like a scared little girl around her, that's probably not the time yet.

This is wise.  We can work on differentiation so that we do not revert to our old role and child state when around our parents.  I think this can be worked on in stages and as you make progress, perhaps re-visit whether you will institute very controlled contact.

Excerpt
My therapist asked me the same thing the other day. I told her that I fear the day that I will call my mother and she will hang up on me. My T said that we are usually afraid of the unknown and that my mother will likely act in ways that I already know, either hang up on me or rage. That what I am afraid of how is how it will make me feel.
Ooo I like what she said here.  It makes sense and it sounds like it resonated with you?  Did she mention working on developing skills to help you accept and manage your own emotions so that you do not have to be afraid of them or afraid that you won't be able to manage them if something happens?  For that matter, are those even your fears or am I assuming here?

Excerpt
I hope that I can be somewhat prepared for that, have a plan or something. If she chooses to continue with the ST, I hope that I can detach enough that I can live my life without guilt.
This can be done for sure.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Methuen
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« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2019, 01:56:34 AM »

Hi Vanilla Sky,

Excerpt
This time I decided to let the SL go longer and work on myself.  I've been going to therapy and reading, going to the gym, spending time with husband and friends.

Good for you! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) A great strategy because it let's you get on with your life, cuts out the drama, and it let's her experience some natural consequences which are the result of her own decision to play the silent treatment game.  

Excerpt
She didn't speak to her son (my older brother) for 4 years after some argument. Then my brother got tired of my father asking him to call her. He called and apologized for whatever he has said. She said "that is all I wanted to hear". Not a surprise that she did not make any slight effort to recognize where she has done wrong. She waited for 4 years.

Oh my goodness.  I continue to be amazed when I read these stories, because there are just so many similarities to my mom.  Honestly, the above quote could have been written by me, except I don't have a brother.  I have experienced ST from my mom in the past (she can't do this any more because she is 83 and needs us to solve all her phone and computer problems, do her banking etc etc).  The silent treatment tortured me every time because I allowed her to FOG me, and get inside my head.  It's the same behavior bully teenage girls use with each other, but a mother to their own child?  Really? If my mom gave me the silent treatment now, honestly I would be  Way to go! (click to insert in post) and just let her figure it out (self soothe).   In the past I apologized to my mom, and she ACTUALLY said "that is all I wanted to hear" as your mom said to your brother.  Then a switch was flipped inside her head, and she would go on as if nothing had happened.  But when we "apologise", I think we are only affirming their behavior, and enabling it to happen again.  Just my thoughts.  Maybe others would disagree.
   This summer I had an epiphany, because I started some intensive learning about BPD, and strategies for family members.  It has led to some intensive personal growth on my part.  Now I am letting go of my expectations of my mom as a mother.  I have been grieving the loss of my fantasy mother, and accepting the mother I really have.  The reality is, we gotta work with the mother we have, not the mother we want to have.  I am emotionally detached (or still detaching).  When I have a conversation with her now, it is entirely different than how I would have interacted with her 2 months ago.  Learning all that was a process, and will be for as long as she lives.  But honestly, learning all this has given me the freedom to feel like I have the permission to do things differently, and live out my own life as I choose to do, instead of being chained to my mom's emotional whims and behavioral craziness.  I guess what I'm saying is, it's ok to let go of those chains, and feel OK to keep doing what you have been doing for the past 9 months. Don't let the silent treatment torture you.  It's her choice to do that.  You can't control her or protect her or prevent her from making poor decisions because of her BPD.  You can only control how you react to her drama and her crises.  It's a genuine mental illness.  They're not going to change unless they are inspired to seek help.  I came to the realization I had to be the one that needed to do the changing.  I am so thankful I have figured it out now, because I no longer feel trapped in the same way.  The grief has been hard.  You speak of "feeling sad it's been 9 months".  I get it.  The best way for me to recover from all this stuff has been to keep reading, keep learning, allow the grief to happen, find a new T, and learn new tools to deal with BP's more effectively.  If she's ST you, the loss is hers.  You don't have to let it be yours.  These are the things that are working for me right now.  Sounds like you are already on a good path to finding your way through this.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
 
« Last Edit: September 22, 2019, 02:05:41 AM by Methuen » Logged
Vanilla Sky
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Relationship status: LC after 1+ year of NC
Posts: 101



« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2019, 08:36:31 AM »

This is wise.  We can work on differentiation so that we do not revert to our old role and child state when around our parents.  I think this can be worked on in stages and as you make progress, perhaps re-visit whether you will institute very controlled contact.
You have mentioned differentiation in a previous post of mine, and I am very thankful for that. When I told my therapist how I felt in a recent situation with my father, she said that I have started to differentiate. I couldn't hold my tears  Way to go! (click to insert in post)
I've been watching some videos from Dr. Nicole Lepera, she talks about enmeshment, trauma, healing, reparenting. They are easy to follow and it's been helping me. I will share a link below that might be interesting to others here. If you have any other recommendations on differentiation I appreciate.

How to identify & heal from emotional enmeshment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkYZaIgGQ4Y

Ooo I like what she said here.  It makes sense and it sounds like it resonated with you?
Did she mention working on developing skills to help you accept and manage your own emotions so that you do not have to be afraid of them or afraid that you won't be able to manage them if something happens?  For that matter, are those even your fears or am I assuming here?

Yes, it does make sense. This last time my mother raged and got into ST mode with me, I hit my rock bottom and I think I am afraid that when she does that again (likely will) I might still not know what to do next. Then I realize that it's ok not to know what to do, and now I have a T that gets it and this community. My T mentioned that there are tools (we haven't explore that yet), and that my mind is "registering" that the time away from my mother has been good for me, so the next time she decides that "she will never speak to me again" I might not feel so bad and know that I can go on with my life.
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tryingforzen

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« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2019, 09:28:12 AM »

I'm 4 months into no contact with my mom- longest I've gone so far in letting it go.  I'm doing a lot of the same things-  spending time with my husband and kids, going to therapy, I started yoga.  It's hard.  I still wake up everyday feeling guilty.
Like you, my mom triggers this scared child in me.  I'm in my 40's!  But I'm working with my therapist on seeing myself as an adult in my relationship with my mom going forward.  I'm not there yet.  I don't feel like I'm strong enough or have enough tools yet to re-establish any kind of relationship. 
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Vanilla Sky
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« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2019, 11:11:37 AM »

Hi Methuen  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

The silent treatment tortured me every time because I allowed her to FOG me, and get inside my head.
 
Yes, it's exhausting. Every time I feel that I've put my life on hold until "I can resolve things with her". I know I can't go on like that anymore.

But when we "apologise", I think we are only affirming their behavior, and enabling it to happen again.  Just my thoughts.  Maybe others would disagree.


I agree with you. I also think that even if I do things differently my mother will still give me ST. Her manipulations are also getting worse as she gets older - from attempting to manipulate my inlaws against me and my husband to suicide threat.  I don't want to permanently go no contact as it would affect other things like the time I have with my father, so I'll have to learn to deal with the LC/NC cycles.

When I have a conversation with her now, it is entirely different than how I would have interacted with her 2 months ago.  Learning all that was a process, and will be for as long as she lives.  But honestly, learning all this has given me the freedom to feel like I have the permission to do things differently, and live out my own life as I choose to do, instead of being chained to my mom's emotional whims and behavioral craziness.  I guess what I'm saying is, it's ok to let go of those chains, and feel OK to keep doing what you have been doing for the past 9 months. Don't let the silent treatment torture you.  

That is great and I hope I can get there too. I am happy for you Methuen, you have the right to be yourself and be treated with respect and love. Thank you for your kind words.
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