What can I do as a younger sibling to help my adult sister that suffers from BPD

[confusedsister19]

Hello everyone. I am a 19 year old college student with an older sister that has suffered with mental illness for years. I love my sister with all of my heart and I just want the best for her. Her actions have hurt not only herself, but her family.

(Here is a long back story)
My older sister, who I will name Emily, has struggled with depression and anxiety since she was 15 years old. Her sophomore year of high school she was placed inpatient at a psychiatric hospital for a few days due to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I don't know very much about this incident because at this time I was 11 years old and my parents tried keep me sheltered from it. Therapy and medication were brought into the picture and things seemed to be better for some time. About a year and a half later there was another incident. Emily took a full bottle of pills and was in the ICU for almost 2 weeks. We then repeated the same steps as last time: therapy, medication, etc. After a while things seemed better again. Emily graduated high school and got into college. She moved into her dorm and made some new friends; But by the end of her first semester in college, she said that she couldn't do it and ended up moving back home. She began taking online courses and seemed to be doing well. My parents told her that as long as she was in school and had a part-time job that she could live under their roof. About a year later, Emily decided to switch colleges and move out. She moved into an apartment near the campus (which is located about an hour and a half away from home) She seemed pretty excited about it and we were hopeful. As time went on she seemed to be isolating herself. For the next year or so she spent much of her time in her apartment alone. During this time she was also abusing adderall and xanax simultaneously. She also racked up over $6,000 in credit card debt. Every semester she would enroll in classes, drop them all, change her major, repeat. She would go days without responding to phone calls or text messages. We had to send cops to her apartment one time to do a wellfare check. When my parents found out about the pills and the debt they knew they had to do something. Because she is an adult, the only thing that had over her was money. She's not a teenager anymore. They can't force her to get help, so the only thing they could do was threaten to stop paying her rent if she didn't accept their help. She reluctantly accepted and ended up moving back home. We are now at present day and was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She goes to therapy once a week and just got a job as a kennel tech at a nearby animal hospital. Once again we are hopeful with her progress and she seems to really enjoy this new job. I want to be optimistic, but if history tells you anything then this will not last. Something always seems to happen.

Just the other day I got a text from Emily saying that she got a concussion at work and that I needed to pick her up from the hospital because she didn't want to tell mom. Why wouldn't she tell our mom? I ended up telling my mother because it seemed weird. This is the third time she has gotten a major injury at work, all three at different jobs. I'm convinced she gets these injuries on purpose. But why?


Although the drug abuse has stopped and the credit card debt has been taken care of, I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her. If anything sets her off it is everyones fault except hers. She is extremely emotionally abusive towards my mother in particular. She always talks to me about how terrible our mother is. As someone with the same mother as Emily, I know for a fact that we have the most amazing one there is. Yes, she has her flaws like anyone else but she is only human and she doing the best she can. It's almost like Emily wanted to have a bad childhood. She is so desperate for something/someone to blame because she doesn't want to acknowledge that she is sick. If you try to confront her about anything she will completely shut down. She is unpredictable and she doesn't seem to care about the other members on this family. She is a bully that can't take no for an answer. It has now been 4 years since her suicide attempt and my mother still panics every time she gets a call from my sisters cellphone; And Emily knows that. I feel as if she uses that against us to scare us. I am not sure what to do anymore because her actions are hurting me as well as my parents.

I decided to post this on here because I feel like Emily doesn't want to get better. She seems like she enjoys living in my parents basement because she has no responsibilities. I don't know how to get my parents to set boundaries. They have become pushovers because they are so afraid of her doing something drastic like suicide. I understand that they don't want her to be homeless or dead. I obviously don't want that either, but at what point does it stop? They have tried and tried so hard to help her for so long, but at what point do they have to let her help herself?

So basically what I am asking is: What is the right thing to do in this situation and how can I help my parents make the right decisions for my sister?

[Zelda77]

Hello,

Your experience with your sister resonates with me. I also have an older sister with BPD. There are no easy answers. My sister and I are much older; we’re both in our forties. She still to this day won’t admit that she has BPD, although multiple therapists have diagnosed her with it over the last twenty years.  She maintains that she suffers from complex PTSD (we had a traumatic childhood). It’s very difficult to help someone who can’t even admit what their problem actually is. I just began reading a book called “Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder” by Shari  Y. Manning. There are excellent pointers on how to validate the BPD without judging/alienating them in the book. I would suggest reading it if you haven’t yet. It’s an easy read - not overly scientific or dense.

Good luck!

[Harri]

Hi confusedsister and welcome to the board.   As you can see from Zeldas response, you are not alone in having a sister with BPD.  All of us here have a loved one with bpd or bpd traits.  We understand and we all help and support each other as we talk about our own frustrations and struggles and try to learn new ways to cope.

I decided to post this on here because I feel like Emily doesn't want to get better. She seems like she enjoys living in my parents basement because she has no responsibilities. I don't know how to get my parents to set boundaries.

This is so difficult.  Unfortunately you can not force your sister into treatment as you know and getting your parents to change their behaviors with her is going to be quite difficult.  Zelda suggested an excellent book to read.  You can read a review of it here:  Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder Many of our members have found it quite useful.  We also teach communication tools here that can improve things for you (and your parents if they choose to implement them).  They may not change your sisters behaviors but they can go a long way in terms of helping you to cope and stop any enabling behaviors that may be happening, which are understandable but not helpful.

They have become pushovers because they are so afraid of her doing something drastic like suicide. I understand that they don't want her to be homeless or dead. I obviously don't want that either, but at what point does it stop? They have tried and tried so hard to help her for so long, but at what point do they have to let her help herself?

That is up for them to decide.  If you start changing the way you react and respond and communicate with your sister and your parents, they too may change.  People learn best through action.  It is best though, at least at this point, to focus on you and managing your own emotions.

Have you had a chance to read any of the articles tacked to the top of this board?  A good place to start is here:  How to get the most out of this board

I hope you settle in and read and jump into other threads. 

Again,