Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:11:01 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Protecting the heart  (Read 443 times)
Birddog
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 21
Posts: 127


« on: September 26, 2019, 12:41:32 PM »

Received an interesting assignment from my T,

“Protect your heart”, believe it comes from Proverbs:

Proverbs 4:23-27 – Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.

Anyone have ideas on how gets applied to a relationship?
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

No-One
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 356



« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2019, 04:50:59 PM »

Here is one interpretation
 
So the Proverb says that we should guard our heart. And we should guard it above all else. But why? The answer comes in the next phrase…For everything you do flows from it. Our heart is the motivator if not the determiner of our actions. It’s the deciding factor in whether we go or stay, whether we continue or stop, whether we buy or sell, whether we work or rest.

If our heart (our inner emotional and true self) is what motivates us to do what we do—then how very important it is that we guard that heart. Mostly we must guard our heart from harmful beliefs. Remember, we act out of our core beliefs. So by guarding the heart, we shield it from harmful beliefs. But what are harmful beliefs?

Beliefs that are not true about ourselves
Beliefs that are not true about others
Beliefs that are harmful to others
Beliefs about the world that are not true
Beliefs about people that are not true

It’s really quite simple. If what we do flows from our heart—our inner and true self. If our heart believes what is not right, or not true, or not helpful, or not beneficial—then our ACTIONS will reflect the same. We guard our heart so we will act out of what is right and true and good.


The complete article is at the following link:
https://quotationcelebration.wordpress.com/2016/08/05/above-all-else-guard-your-heart-for-everything-you-do-flows-from-it-the-bible-proverbs-423/



« Last Edit: September 26, 2019, 05:06:26 PM by No-One » Logged
Radcliff
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #2 on: September 28, 2019, 02:30:18 AM »

No-One gave some great info  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  I like the latter part of the Proverbs quote as well, since it speaks of being intentional and not losing our way.  Many of us can go decades simply reacting to the actions of our partner.  We lose ourselves and our heart in the process.  What do we need to do to nurture ourselves as independent, thriving people?  The irony of BPD is that it can pull some of us to be subsumed into our partners, losing ourselves and our strength to the point that we're actually less able to support and help them.

RC
Logged
Birddog
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 21
Posts: 127


« Reply #3 on: September 28, 2019, 03:02:04 AM »

Thanks No-One and Radcliff,

This weeks been pretty busy, Had some time this week to wrestle with this one..

Found out my spouse finished last T session and finished up last one with mine. Still have quite a few challenges, but on a better path, still working on EMDR therapy with another T. SO will feel out where she is at for continuing to make improvements.

My spouse has been kind last week, daughter turned 13, and SO was excessively worried cake made took, to long, wasn’t good enough and daughter didn’t like. This was after kids were in bed. Pulled SO aside and told her she was being too hard on herself, let her know she was appreciated. She said daughter wanted a store bough one instead. Told her the reason was is daughter didn’t want to inconvenience her and valued having more time to connect, and reemphasized the cake was appreciated.

Other part of last week spent Clearing out bunch is of old memory tapes via EMDR, a lot of mental trauma was directly related to spouse, noticed big change starting two months ago, frequency and severity of memories are down, think directly related to new coping skills. I reimprinted new circuitry over my situational stress response, “I can handle this”.

This was a particularly painful series over decades. Took two sessions to work through, first session came out at 7/10 response, left parking lot at 2/10 level,  noticed relief in eyes, amazing how much tension harbor throughout body.

This weekend attending Octoberfest with relatives with just my son, they have been part of my support network just to catch up. Last couple visits we have been in crisis mode, so trying to reconnect in more healthy manor.

Will keep working on guarded heart.

Logged
Radcliff
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2019, 05:34:44 PM »

Great work validating your SO!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I'm glad to hear that EMDR is working.  It's a great feeling when the EMDR knocks those levels down, isn't it?  Fantastic that you're finding the new coping skills to be having an impact.  They're critical for us to keep the trauma from recurring.  As you've become more confident in your ability to handle things, has it improved your ability to be more empathetic and calm around your SO?

RC
Logged
Birddog
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 21
Posts: 127


« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2019, 09:04:27 AM »

Thanks Radcliff,

Taken a few months to get to this point, finding I am more empathetic towards her, it wasn’t intuitive without knowing what to look for and relearn responses.  Feel I’m in process of relearning the relationship, have a different person after treatment. Still a lot to work on, but manageable.

As far as calm, less reactive, avoiding the no-wins, finding can work through devaluation and get quicker to root cause.
Logged
Radcliff
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #6 on: October 04, 2019, 02:11:00 AM »

That's fantastic that you're making progress!  Members are very interested in hearing about what's working for folks, so please keep us posted.

RC
Logged
Birddog
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 21
Posts: 127


« Reply #7 on: October 04, 2019, 04:45:22 AM »

Thanks Radcliff,

We are still on upward trend.

Hit third round of EMDR, went through memories around SO hospitalization in JUNE , those were particularly painful, feel more at peace now, hadn’t fully worked through that yet and pretty raw.

Started new book, “high conflict couple”, my wife immediately dismissed when she saw, which is okay, told her it was recommended for me, my SO cant be rushed.

She has recently picked up “the defiant child, A parent’s Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder”. She is now feeling more empowered, recognizing her behaviors and life, and adapting healthier parenting style, more deliberate, less reactive, big step.

She made it through two chapters on toxic parents, one that relates to me, one to her, that has been helpful.in understanding what has shaped us.

We are much closer, I am still relearning the relationship, and wish had tools and skills decades ago, but having gone through pain more appreciative of where relationship is headed.

We still fall into old unhealthy patterns, but finding ways to relearn them in healthier way.

Logged
Radcliff
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2019, 02:42:08 AM »

Thanks for the update!  Glad the EMDR is continuing to help, and that you're finding the tools to be helpful.  Don't we all wish we'd learned them years ago!  Keep us posted!

RC
Logged
Birddog
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 21
Posts: 127


« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2019, 05:03:22 PM »

Spouse has been making progress, sent her away this weekend with woman’s church retreat, first time she has been out socially in a long time away from kids.

She is starting to look for jobs, looking at being self supporting, 4th month of stability.

I am Still personally dealing with a lot of anxiety issues, but coping better, limiting new trauma, and archiving the old memories. Having ability and courage  to be myself again.

Took the younger kids to pumpkins patch today, had a good time.

Together time with spouse still a little strained, get met with lack of empathy, victimhood, but it’s improving.
Logged
Radcliff
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2019, 02:30:30 AM »

That's great that she's getting some time with friends and no kids, and you're getting some peaceful time with the kids.  I fondly remember the trips to the pumpkin patch!  What do you think are the most important things enabling the improvement and stability?

RC
Logged
Birddog
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 21
Posts: 127


« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2019, 07:30:33 AM »

Just quick update,

I really think she has been struggling for years with the schizitypal PD traits, and thyroid issues really made them unmanageable. Getting that under control has helped. Family support has helped her, and being firm but companionate on addressing problem behaviors has helped. It’s not really one thing that has made the improvement, can attribute combo of understanding and perseverance is what is getting me through now.
Logged
Radcliff
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2019, 09:06:26 PM »

Thanks for sharing the things that have helped!

RC
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!