Son’s fiancé has BPD

[AmourAttempt]

Hi, as strange as this sounds, I am struggling so much with the relationship with my son.  Strange because I’m a psychologist and so you would be forgiven for thinking I should know how to get around this. But I’m totally heart broken and cannot see the wood for the trees.
It was apparent to me very early on when my son introduced his new gf to us, that she was BPD Nd over time her behaviour and actions confirmed my belief.
To be honest, she isn’t really my problem in that I know why she is the way she is and I have zero expectations of her as a result. She’s manipulative, spiteful, vengeful, jealous, virtually all the time. She’s threatened by almost anybody but for some stupid reason I didn’t think I would be a threat to her. I made sure I did e drugging to avoid her feeling abandoned or rejected but of course, I would never have got it right. She still perceived rejection in everything I did and said.
What I have found most shocking is my son’s behaviour. My son who was once so close to me had chosen to completely distance himself from me since she told me she no longer wanted to know me (due to me calling her out on a lie she told).
As I said, I have no expectations of her, but my lovely son, with whom I e had such a close relationship with, believes every lie she tells, every bizarre story she spins, every accusation she throws.  I just don’t recognise him any more. He’s also started to say things very similar to her. Odd victim like statements. I now haven’t heard from him for 4 months - any messages I send are ignored. I feel so sad.  I’m so glad I’ve found this forum. Thank you for reading this and please ask me anything at all. x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello AmourAttempt
Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. Watching your son in a relationship and possibly marriage with someone you don't feel good about must be very difficult. How old is he? How old is she? What are their plans for the future? How do you see your role as mother and potential mother in law moving forward? We are all here for you.
Hugs
Faith


 

[Panda39]

Hi AmourAttempt,

Welcome to the group   I come at BPD from a different angle my partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw), but I have hung out here long enough to know you are not alone. 

Your story is a familiar one and I'm sorry you are faced with this too.  I can imagine how painful it is to watch your son get sucked in further and further.  But in a weird way he is likely just being himself, a loving, committed,caring husband.  I asked my partner why he stayed so long in his marriage (17 years), kids and fear, but he also loved his wife, took his vows seriously, he wanted to work things out (didn't want his marriage to fail), he wanted to fix her, and in his case I think he liked the challenge.  Your son too is likely, trying to make his wife happy, show his support of her, takes his vows, relationship seriously,and he loves her.

If you read posts on the "bettering your relationship board" you might get some insight into what your son is going through and might be feeling.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

Your daughter-in-law (DIL) is likely using FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail, likely gaslighting, likely using the silent treatment etc.  In terms of your DIL's feelings about you and your relationship with your son there is likely jealousy and fear that he will leave her for you/family.  She is likely thinking in black and white terms, in her mind your son can love her or you, she can't see that he can love you and her.

The good news is that you are in communication with your son, keeps those lines of communication open.  Rather than challenge him regarding his wife's behaviors you might ask him questions so he can come to his own conclusions about things.  Beware the Triangle.

More on the Karpman Triangle https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Here is some information that may help in terms of your interactions with your DIL Do's and Dont's in a BPD Relationship https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

Again welcome, I hope I've been able to share something helpful.  Others will be along to share their thoughts and ideas soon.

Take Care,
Panda39

[AmourAttempt]

Thank you for your valuable insight. I keep reading it over and over.
Sadly my son hasn’t been in contact for 4 months. The longest we’ve ever gone. He doesn’t reply to my messages and when he did, they were short, with literal replies. No pleasantries or interest in me or what’s going on in my life.
Last year April DIL got pregnant. I know it sounds awful but I did wonder (only to myself) whether the baby was my son’s as she had been on a work trip with a man who fired her after the trip and told her to appreciate her “lovely kind caring boyfriend” (odd don’t you think?) then when it came to the scan, she refused to let my son go with her. Instead she took her mother.
Anyway, eventually they come to me and tell me they think they are going to terminate the pregnancy,but need to give it some thought. My son is in bits, sobbing. Telling her not to tell him the sex of the baby as it is hard enough to make a decision. but she tells him anyway by saying “I’ve called the baby Victoria”. Seriously I kid you not!
My son tells her he will support her decision as it is her body and that what ever she decides he loves her. She decides to terminate and tells me my son is weak.
Then we find out she is 3 months pregnant so termination is not straight forward. More drama and upset ensues. I keep out of it and just say I will support them in what ever they decide to do. I run them back and forth to appointments, and keep my opinions thoughts and feelings to myself. However I have to be honest and say I was quite heart broken mainly for my son but also to know I have a little granddaughter who’s mother is a master manipulator.
One day we go out for lunch and she is running down some steps that we’re very uneven. I said “sweetie be careful as these steps aren’t even, you might fall” she says “good, then hopefully I’ll fall on my stomach and get this f***ing thing out of me”. My son looked as shocked as I must have and he gently says “huni really?”.
Then one evening my son goes to a meeting and she comes to me whilst I’m watching tv and says “can I talk to you?” I say of course you can. She says “do you know they have to break the arms and legs of this baby to get it out of me?” She must have seen the shock on my face and then seemed quite satisfied when I started to cry. She gets up and her parting words were “well I would never let you take care of a child of mine anyway”.
From that point I refused to be alone with her. I stayed out if my son wasn’t there and only spent time with them together.
After the termination they went back home and she sent me a message saying how disgusted she was that I didn’t support her in her hour of need and that she wanted nothing to do with me.
I have left out so many horrible, horrible things she has said and done over the years, this was the worst as it hurt so much and my son appears to support her.
She told me years ago “your son loves me too much, he’ll never leave me” this was a non sequitur comment when her and I were looking at jewellery in a store together. It appears she was right all along.

[FaithHopeLove]

That sounds brutal yet sadly familiar. Of course as a psychologist you know that this is her way of dealing with her own overwhelming pain and not any reflection on you. It seems that at least for the foreseeable future you are in for a bumpy ride with your son and his fiance
 What are you doing in the way of self care?

[PeaceMom]

Head knowledge and heart knowledge are completely different. You are suffering from a broken heart. I’m so very sorry for you.
One member here, Huat, gives powerful l sons on learning to thrive amidst heartbreak. I’m so encouraged when she shares her journey. You may benefit from clicking on her name and reading her posts.

Your story makes me realize that the painful human experience (the heart)trumps education and profession(the head).  Maybe this is why my old T told me to Stop Researching and just start being true to myself and Living.

Do you have support for yourself from a trusted friend, T, clergyman, face to face support group?

Btw, your responses to DIL are Loving, kind, helpful and nonjudgmental. This makes it even more evident that she likely has a PD. I assume she is threatened by you every single day.

[Panda39]

Sadly my son hasn’t been in contact for 4 months. The longest we’ve ever gone. He doesn’t reply to my messages and when he did, they were short, with literal replies. No pleasantries or interest in me or what’s going on in my life.

I'm so sorry to hear this, it truly is heartbreaking.  It could be that she is listening to your calls or interrogates him following conversations with you, keeping things minimal means there is less to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) to his wife.  He may also be buried in the drama that is his relationship with her and on emotional overload, he may be embarrassed by what he's gotten himself into or doesn't want to cause you stress...

Is it possible to call him while he's at work or send him an email at work? I would continue to send out feelers and let him know that you are and always will be there for him...keep that door open.

Panda39

[livednlearned]

He may not be responding if she has access to his phone and email, which isn't uncommon in these controlling relationships.

Has he explicitly instructed you to stay away?