I am being blamed again

[zachira]

As many of you already know, I am dealing with the recent death of my mother with BPD. My mother was extremely abusive and my siblings with BPD at times are also abusive. My brother who was badly abused by mom became her defender and caretaker. My brother now tells me that I abused mom and he had not allowed me to be there for Christmas in 2017 or visit since then because of this. First time, I have heard this story and it has been two years since I was suddenly told not to come for Christmas with no reason given. I believe my brother nor my sister will never accept that they were abused, and as a result, they view my setting boundaries with mom and them as abusive and retaliate. I think facing the truth would just be too difficult for them.
Other relatives do not like that I view my mother as abusive, and I basically try not to say anything about it. The father of one of my cousins was badly abused by the family throughout his life, and this cousin went out of her way to tell me it did not bother him though it bothered her mother, and suggested I should not be upset about being badly treated by the family. There are other relatives who feel upset about my setting boundaries with them, and not allowing them to mistreat me.
I really want little to do with most of my relatives once all mom's things are divided up. Right now, it is a waiting game, and I am hoping that there will come a time when I really don't see much of the family anymore. I have wonderful friends and some relatives who have always been kind to me, yet have good boundaries with me. My friends and nice relatives let me know when they respectfully disagree with me, and help to bring out the best in me.
Being around most of my relatives is an ongoing nightmare. When people who don't know my family don't treat me right, I don't take it personally, as I know that they know nothing about my role as one of the family's designated scapegoats.
Thanks for listening. Just so tired of all the family abuse and want the obligatory contact with certain family members to be over.

[Turkish]

Since I'm a single child, I can't really understand what you're going though. That being said, I bonded with "brothers" who had very dysfunctional families. Water is thicker than blood in my opinion. Family, to me, is where you feel at home.  Where you feel that you can be yourself. 

[Notwendy]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've seen the death of a family member bring out some awful behaviors in families. It's evidence to me that dysfunction is inter-generational. Even without BPD, I've seen some mean squabbling between siblings over the belongings of the deceased.

Blaming someone other than themselves seems to be a common behavior- not just with BPD, but I think it's a human tendency to not want to look at ourselves and to make ourselves feel better by blaming others. I know it hurts to be blamed for things you didn't do. My mother presents herself as a victim and her allies are her rescuers.

I hope it helps to not take these family members' accusations personally even though I know it is hurtful. They may have other motivations- your mother's estate. While I hope you get your share of anything valuable or sentimental, sometimes it becomes a choice of what you are willing to get into it for. I don't think you should let them bully you into letting go of your inheritance. On the other hand - if they are arguing over items of less value, it may be better to let go of the argument.

I wanted some items that belonged to my father. Eventually I was able to get some of them. But my BPD mother knew I wanted them and also "used" this to be hurtful or controlling. I finally decided it was better to let go of wanting them ( emotionally). However, he didn't specifically leave them to me- she legally owns all he left and so I had no way of taking action.

If your mother's estate has value and she had a will, is there any way you can deal more with a lawyer than with your siblings? It may cost a little more, but if the value is worth it, it may be more effective than dealing with them.

[zachira]

Turkish and Notwendy,
Thank you for your replies. I am aware that in certain circumstances, I may have to agree to not get what I want which will be a loss yet could be a win in the long run. Certainly, I want my siblings out of my life ASAP which will be a great relief along with some real sadness and anger.
Right now, I am refusing to let my brother buy the house until the contents have been divided up and removed. He controlled my access to the house while my mother was alive and is doing so even more now that she is dead. He has made it clear he does not want me at the house at all. I feel I have to insist on his not buying the house for now. Otherwise I will have to pay a lawyer to have access to the house which is something I cannot afford. If he does not own the place he cannot legally tell me I can't come in. I have only been there twice since mom died and just for a short time. Both my brother and sister are the same in that they cannot stand to have me around. Mom always complained whenever her sister was at her house for Christmas even though mom invited her and my aunt was a non intrusive guest, trying to stay out of the way as much as possible likely knowing that her presence upset my mother. My mother and both of my sibilings have always had a strong need for control and become abusive if their control is challenged in any way. Empathy and understanding the feelings of another is something they are unable to do. It has been suggested to me that Aspergers could explain some of their behaviors, and I am beginning to think that Aspergers coupled with BPD is a likely explanation for a lot of their dysfunctional behaviors.
I believe my brother has to abuse me as a means of control and intimidation. Like my sister, he starts yelling when he does not get his way. I think his accusations more likely fit him, as he certainly controlled my mother in ways that I viewed as abusive. Right now, I am reeling from all the unnecessary cruel things he said to me as he yelled at me over the phone. He is clearly very angry I won't sell him the house until everything is divided up, and what is mine is out of there. After that, I plan to have only necessary contact with my siblings. Some day, maybe I won't see them at all, and that would be great, to have a life where I don't live dreading the next contact with them and  some of the other relatives that treat me with contempt.

[Harri]

Hi zachira.

I am sorry that the dysfunction continues and in such ridiculous ways.  I hope you are able to resolve things soon in terms of dividing up the things in the house.  All of their bickering and cruelty seems, at best, so unnecessary. 

Hang in there.

[zachira]

Thanks Harri,
I am just trying to hang in there. It is so painful. Having my mother gone is a big relief, as I have told you before. I feel safe knowing that she can never abuse me again. Having my siblings out of my life, will without a doubt be another big relief as well. I also have to face how I have spent so much of my life avoiding dealing with my family problems and being unaware that I was being abused by my immediate and extended families. Now, the choice is clear: I really need to go as low contact as possible with all my relatives, including the nice ones. It does not suit me to be around the family: feeling the outright contempt some have for me, with others not really having bad intentions urging me to continue having a relationship with my siblings. I am finally understanding just how difficult it is for others to understand. Indeed, for a long time I was taken in by my cousin who has expressed delight in buying her suicidal son his tombstone for his birthday at his request, and she knows all about his expressed desires to die soon. The family still talks about how they love his mother and are being manipulated by her. I see her as just plain evil, just like my mother and siblings. I cannot change how easily family members are duped by the dysfunctional family environment and how they support it. I have always been happiest when I have chosen who I interact with. It is sad to have no family, yet I do have friends that treat me better than my family. It is time to cut my ties. Right now, I have to be patient, be my own best friend, and keep focusing on the fact that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I will be free of these people one day and hopefully mostly choose when I have any dealings with family members. Thanks everybody. It just helps to express my feelings so I can process them, get moving, and continue going forward. I feel safe here on this site, more than anywhere else.

[zachira]

I have had a terrible phone call with my brother who has BPD in which he accused me of all kinds of things, none of them which had any basis in reality. He keeps drastically changing his stories about why he would not let me come from Christmas anymore or why I can't come to mom's house now that she is dead. My BIL emailed me taking my brother's side. I asked my BIL not to email me again on this subject as he is totally biased and does not know my side. I have talked with the lawyer who is settling the estate and she has arranged for an appraiser to take over just letting my brother do what he refers to as the inventory. My brother has made it clear he wants to buy mom's house right away while taking his time on doing the inventory of mom's house, and he has made it clear he does not want me at the house at all. I am so glad mom hired a competent attorney. The attorney says her job is to make sure that my brother follows the law in his role as executor. It is painful to still be dealing with my siblings yet comforting to know that the division of mom's things is going to be settled sooner rather than later. Than I can move on as I distance myself from my siblings with BPD and other toxic family members. I know it will be big relief, just like having mom pass away.