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Author Topic: Back to uni, saw my ex  (Read 254 times)
clvrnn
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 459



« on: October 02, 2019, 02:23:56 AM »

I hope it was OK to make a new thread, I just feel like I wanted a thread specifically about what's going on now...

This was yesterday >

Excerpt
OK well I saw her today. She came in and sat where we used to sit - I was already sitting a few seats along from there, as I knew she’d probably sit there and I didnt think it was really a good idea to sit there. She came in and didn’t speak to anyone, and was quite quiet throughout. Which is different to how she was acting in class just after the break up (life of the party) and the way she acted today was very similar to how she came in and acted the first time she ended things (she later engaged with me).

I found the lecture a bit difficult to focus on. She was literally two seats along from me. People sat next to me, asked me (before she arrived) if she was coming in, I said I didn’t know, we haven’t spoken for a while. It was weird really. I felt very overwhelmed in that I didn’t really know anyone else and during breaks everyone was chatting etc. During those breaks I was silent and so was she. At the end I got up and just left the room as I didn’t see any point in hanging around. At one point I got up to speak to the lecturer and I’m sure ex pwBPD was looking at me but I’m not certain.

I’m on my way home now and feel quite sad/upset. Of course this silence of hers doesn’t mean anything as before she did this and then spoke to me, but also it does - six months have passed she could be with someone else, not feel anything, etc etc. I feel sad that this is the situation, and realise she has a full life away from uni that I know nothing about. I don’t feel part of her life enough to message her or speak to her, she successfully created a massive distance and I feel powerless to do anything about it. If it carries on like this it will be upsetting but I can’t do anything about it.

I've woken up feeling quite sad, if I'm honest. I randomly cry for the first time in months - I'm not even sure what it is I'm upset about. Sadness that this is how things are, sadness over thinking that once we returned to uni that there'd be some interaction and there was none, sadness at how powerless I am to do anything. I could message her, but I did that, and her lack of response hurt. How do I know she won't do that again? Weirdly also sadness too that we only seem to have two classes together which you think would be a good thing, but it means then that I'll rarely see her.

At one point I thought she'd left the lecture early, and I felt sad then, too. Like I only get to see her in this place, we don't talk, then we go home and that's it. Sure it's only the first day, and I get that she may have wanted to say something but could also be unsure about how I'm feeling - she may also not care about how I'm feeling/this situation and not want to do anything about it. I have no idea. Yesterday I felt quite strong but today I just feel sad again. Feels like the emotions are still up and down.
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clvrnn
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 459



« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2019, 10:53:17 AM »

I suppose I can't help but think that it's possible that her coming in and acting very awkward/withdrawn in that way meant that there is something about uni/me/the situation that makes her feel a certain way, whether it's anxious, guilty, ashamed, or sad. She doesn't usually act this way in class, and often chats to people. The only other times I've seen her act withdrawn in this way are always times after she's ended things, then come in and is clearly unsure of how to act/who to talk to/where to sit.

My moods are still fluctuating wildly, which is irritating me. I feel like I've been almost 'trapped' in this mindset for now the second year. I knew that whatever work I did to move on during those six months away from uni would be fruitless, because I am back in the same place, now. Perhaps she isn't - perhaps she just doesn't care either way. As I've repeatedly said here, she could well be with someone else, and why wouldn't she be? She's not a nun. Maybe this whole thing has been different for her.

Myself and a friend have been talking about the possibility of me reaching out. The last time it was me that reached out, then we recycled - which isn't, I don't think what I want this time. But this silence and avoidance is a bit awkward, and I am a person that likes to try and fix things.

I may reach out. I know that's against all advice and even my own gut feeling, but maybe that is something I need to do. I feel like this is ongoing for me, and I can't see anything that I did to cause this person's silence - I know we broke up, but the last thing she said was "we can forget about all of this and start fresh" then never said another word to me. It doesn't make sense. If I reach out and she doesn't respond, then, well. I don't know. With things like this, I never know what is for the best.

Of course I know that reaching out might be a terrible idea, too. I think this is one of those things that might just have to be decided by me. I post a lot trying to see it from all angles, but maybe I just need to stop deliberating and make a decision either way.
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clvrnn
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What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 459



« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2019, 07:47:17 AM »

Can anyone offer me any advice about reaching out to her? It’s completely impossible to do so in person, she often avoids looking at me and sits elsewhere, and I don’t feel comfortable approaching her at uni which feels like a very impersonal / not really that appropriate place to do such a thing
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Yoke
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« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2019, 02:36:26 PM »

@clvrnn. I see myself so much in you. How you think and feel. I can tell you from my own experiences.. My ex vanished after 9 months engagement. When we had an amazing time.. with a textmessage.. then gone. I was in chock.. still

Excerpt

Can anyone offer me any advice about reaching out to her?"  Hear my story:

.. I tried to contact her without any luck . Two weeks after she left, i went to her apartement try solve things out. She looked at me and just said"noo,  i can't deal with it " and locked the door. 1 week later i sent her a gift by post. She took it. 3 weeks later i sent her a letter trying to tell her to talk to me and wrote about my true love for her-  got a angry response by messenger.  3 months later i went to her house to give her stuff back she has left at my place. She opend the door, looked me into my eyes and closed the door. 3 weeks after i sent her one last long letter apologuised, opend my heart to her, tried talk her to just see me and tell me why she left, and that i will always love her.. - got a textmessage of hate back.. since then. No contact with her what so ever. I miss her soo damn much, but she is my EX now.. if she wanted me back .. she would reach out to me... i realize that even though my heart cries for her. But I do understand, that the words coming out from her mouth, all the sweet words about love.. i lived by them, and some part of me still lives of them and they give me some stupid hope that she will come back. There is no "coming back " @cvlrnn.. The hope we, you and me have.. it has to be destroyed. Or we will be destroyed. So don't try to reach out to her.. am sorry to say that, but u will only have it harder to let her go, you will just feel more pain and long more for the closure you never got.

Excerpt
but the last thing she said was "we can forget about all of this and start fresh" then never said another word to me. It doesn't make sense. "
They don't make any sense.. belive me. The words they say may be true and she feel it so strong the moment she said/says it.. I know how hard it is to hang on to their words.. it kills us.. but they are driven by emotions they feel right there, right now.. they flip in the second moment... I don't try to hurt you by what i write to you @clvrnn, it is just that i know what you are going through( almost) and i know your feelings. It is so hard all this. I have still a long way to be healed! Very long.. but each day i go one day from it, even if i do fall back to the "hope" that she will come back.. to us.. but i move foward. I would do anything to just see her from distance.. belive me. But i also know it would throw me back into bad times.. and i will not survive it. So my advice is to not try reaching out to her. For your own good! I know its easier said than done, and maybe she is different from my ex.. i hope it for your sake. Take care of yourself! /yoke
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clvrnn
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 459



« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2019, 08:35:13 PM »

Today was strange, again. She came in late and sat at the back, somewhere. This was beneficial in a way for me, because she was out of my eyeline and it was almost like she wasn't in the room.

After lectures, I made my way to the train station (which is connected to campus) and she was on the platform. I didn't approach her. Got on the train, got off at my stop. I usually cross the road to connect to another train to get home, but this time I walked up the street slightly, as I didn't really want to go straight home and was thinking about what to do next. I looked up briefly from my phone, and I saw her across the road, walking past. I'm baffled as to how I looked up and saw her at that exact moment, nowhere near the uni. I feel like she is just everywhere.

This is proving a lot harder than I thought. She is just there, the temptation to reach out is there all the time, the pain is there all the time, and the loneliness and loss is amplified by seeing her all the time. Today we were given a brief on our dissertation and I honestly just feel like quitting. None of this seems worth it, anymore. I don't care about the degree, anymore. The entire thing has been overshadowed by this very painful and confusing  experience - I don't enjoy being in the building, I don't enjoy having to keep avoiding looking at this person, I don't enjoy people asking me whether she's coming in or not, or bumping into her in random places.

I want to reach out, but then she could just ignore me again, and I have no idea why she would be doing that - I wasn't the person who hurt or humiliated her. I feel like I am in a no-win situation. Contact her? Pain. Pretend not to care? Pain.

As many posters have said, she may well be feeling something too. But she may well not be. I'm sick of these mental gymnastics, trying to understand what's going on with her. I almost wish I'd never met her.
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Yoke
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« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2019, 10:32:56 AM »

@clvrnn. I understand you because i have been where u are now!

Excerpt
This is proving a lot harder than I thought. She is just there, the temptation to reach out is there all the time, the pain is there all the time, and the loneliness and loss is amplified by seeing her all the time...  when you see her so often.. it makes it so much harder to forgive her. I would go nuts.. i would strongly advice you to not reach out to her...i know that you have such pain.. and i know you have hope..

This is proving a lot harder than I thought. She is just there, the temptation to reach out is there all the time, the pain is there all the time, and the loneliness and loss is amplified by seeing her all the time. Today we were given a brief on our dissertation and I honestly just feel like quitting. None of this seems worth it, anymore. I don't care about the degree, anymore. The entire thing has been overshadowed by this very painful and confusing  experience - I don't enjoy being in the building, I don't enjoy having to keep avoiding looking at this person, I don't enjoy people asking me whether she's coming in or not, or bumping into her in random places. ... i have felt that too, and still do feel like you. Nothing is fine anymore. Nothing.. i dont enjoy life, i dont enjoy my friends, my work... nothing to look foward too.. it is so hard this and i feel for you..so much! Is there anything i can do for you?? /yoke
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clvrnn
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 459



« Reply #6 on: October 04, 2019, 11:02:47 AM »

Hey, thank you for replying.

I understand the reasons for not reaching out. I haven't reached out for six months because of all of those reasons - I don't feel any better. I see her in the week, and in random places when I'm not even at uni - I don't feel any better.

I don't think it's even hope at this stage. I don't know if I could be with her again. I think I just want to say the things I've been holding in. I probably do care if there is a response or not, but I am not expecting one. I have been through some of the worst pain there is, and I'm still going through it. She has never allowed me to say how I've felt, or how she's hurt me - using silence, dismissal, threats of blocking to successfully control me into keeping those things quiet, but it has only led to an internal build up of emotion.

I have heard and tried it all - writing letters and burning them. Writing letters to myself. Journalling. It doesn't work. I have never tried writing it all down and sending it to her. Not to say that would work, but I haven't tried it.

I see her and she looks very unremarkable to me. I don't feel any romantic feelings anymore. I wouldn't be able to be close to her again. It's merely unfinished, unspoken things I want to say. Being in the uni is causing me emotional problems, as is seeing her - but I don't look at her and think God, you're beautiful, I love you. She looks sad, troubled - and I know who she is, now. I know what she is capable of. It took a long time but that seems to have killed most of the romantic feelings.

I'm just baffled at the non-acknowledgement, the avoidance, the silence. Do I exist to her, or what?
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Yoke
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« Reply #7 on: October 04, 2019, 03:43:14 PM »

@clvrnn...
Excerpt "I think I just want to say the things I've been holding in. I probably do care if there is a response or not, but I am not expecting one. I have been through some of the worst pain there is, and I'm still going through it. She has never allowed me to say how I've felt, or how she's hurt me - using silence, dismissal, threats of blocking to successfully control me into keeping those things quiet, but it has only led to an internal build up of emotion. ".. - just that you wrote. You want to tell her how you felt, how she hurted you etc.. that wanted I also.. just to tell her all that. But It wont make any difference.. if she cared about how she hurted you, your feelings , how she treated you. If she wanted to know or had a slight shame or regret.. they would have reaxhed out to us , but they havent, right? The pain they left us with.. they are aware of it, but they are not capable to admitt it to us. They do also feel, they have memories of us. They are not robots. But they dont think "normal" as you and me. A" normal " person don't accuse you, they dont push-pull, breakup/makeup, ghosting, devaluates you and go no contact.. block you.. the list can be longer.. They do stuff and think different from us. That is why they do so- of the disorder. And nothing will change that unless they do admit it and get treatment.. am sorry. All of that you wrote I want to tell my ex..tell her the pain she caused me, the damage.. but I dont think i will ever get either a closure or that she will give me the chance telling her face to face how i feel. So sad, and that is the most difficult part. The non closure.. i really do feel and understand you @clvrnn. I am here for you and so many others. Belive that. And do try foccus on yourself. Easier said than done.. they are like a drug.. right?
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Venicebeach

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« Reply #8 on: October 04, 2019, 07:19:50 PM »

Clvrnn.....hey boss I am totally new to this forum. i too have had a BPD ex. Its been 3 months with no Contact. I totally understand what you are feeling man!!! I am soon sorry that has happened to you and everyone else on tis forum. we all have to stick together. i too am suffering!!! I wake up in the morning for last 3 months and think about her. The mornings suck since i think about her. i have to listen to a video on youtube about BPDs to remind me who she was as well as read a list of all the negative crap she put me through. in my case....she broke up with me 7 times!!! the first 4 times i kept running back. The last 3 i was just ready to get back but she hovered me!!! trust me man....if you get back with her it will ruin all the hard work you have already done!!! You may not see it!! but its there. You will have this pit in your stomach if you run back or even try and reach out to her. She may even be the type to talk with you and then PLEASE READ on you again. Trust me they are unstable man!!! Please don't do it!!! i did it 4 times and it hurts soon much. My ex even knew that I had purchased a ring fir proposal and she still crapped on me and was willing to let it all go!!! They are all just sick!!!!
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clvrnn
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 459



« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2019, 10:30:51 AM »

I've found out that she has blocked my number, so I can't contact her now, anyway.

Why she would randomly block me after six months, I have no idea.

At least now I know.
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clvrnn
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What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 459



« Reply #10 on: October 05, 2019, 02:05:28 PM »

No idea why she may have blocked me. Feels very random but then I've never understood anything she's done. I guess I have my answer now
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Yoke
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« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2019, 03:57:28 AM »

@clvrnn. Am sorry to hear that she has blocked you. Why she has done that- only she can tell... if she ever will... My ex blocked me from calling her directly everytime she broke up with me.. and the last time , the final breakup... She still got my messages when i tried to reach her. But i havent tried to call her since June and i wont try call her either. Because i know she is still blocking me and to experience that feeling again- no. Did you try to call her @clvrnn? Try reach out to her?  They are unpredictable.. and do such evil things you can never imagine. At any time and we dont know how they think, probably never... Are you okay @clvrnn? Tell me about you thoughts going through you right now if u want? Take care /Yoke
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clvrnn
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Posts: 459



« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2019, 07:46:44 AM »

No, I didn't attempt any form of contact with her.

I don't really subscribe to the 'evil' label of those with BPD, though. I think they're just very ill, and don't mean any of what they do. I have learnt a lot about trauma - other people's, and my own - and these actions often aren't intentional. They hurt us, but that doesn't make anyone 'evil', I don't think. I don't think it helps healing to label others as bad/evil, either.

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clvrnn
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What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 459



« Reply #13 on: October 06, 2019, 07:48:46 AM »

Anyway. I've been on this forum for a while now. I'm off to take a break from all of this analysis and repetitive writing. I don't think there's anything else I need help with, and I'm bored and exhausted of going over the same things.

Thank you to all those who helped me over this past year. I really appreciate it.
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