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Author Topic: Part 3: Partner disappeared again- Not going too well here  (Read 122 times)
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« on: October 01, 2019, 09:50:28 AM »

Mod Note:  This thread was split from Part 2 which is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339572.0;all

Not going to well here.

I got a phone call from my partner around 6pm here. She sounded very drunk. She somehow managed to articulate that things had turned sour at her son's house and she needed to get out of there. I asked her what had happened and she told me some things she said to her son which are really completely inappropriate.

So she wants to come here. I tell her that I am apprehensive about this because she has been drinking and I do not want any violence or destruction. I tell her if it is going to be a peaceful evening without drama, then she can come here. I ask where the address is she is at and she says she doesn't know and will meet me at this bridge. I ask what time she would like to meet and she says 10pm, only to get angry that I couldn't drop everything and get there in half an hour.

I am only mentioning all of this because maybe I missed something here. I don't know where I am going wrong. Well maybe I do now. I must make a clear boundry. I will not be around her if she has been drinking.

So we finally agree to meet at 7.30pm, at the bridge. I quickly make the bed up here with fresh sheets. I give the bathroom a clean. Have a quick shower. Run my son to the shops to buy dinner. I fill up with fuel and get to this bridge at 7.35pm. I look around in the dark and cant find her. Then I hear a beep. It is her son and girlfriend. I walk towards their car. My partner gets out and almost falls over. We get into the car. They leave.

My partner wants to go back to their place to pick up these boxes of dress making patterns and her clothes and computer. She says she has a key to get in. We get there and she realises the key is locked indoors. Her son wont be back until later. She starts sobbing. I tell her it is upsetting but we can either call him from a call box, or we can return later to pick up her stuff. We then head to a shop before it closes to get some things for dinner.

In the supermarket she is causing a scene. She is yelling at me and saying "What did you eat with your ex while I was away"? I ignore her and get some salad things and some cheese. Then she picks up two huge cakes and tries to stuff them into the shopping basket. She crushes one in and looks angry. She is telling me this is the  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) my son eats! At this point I say, "OK. This is really poor behaviour! I am leaving". She walks off. I return the shopping to the shelves and leave. I get to the car and she is smoking, waiting. I open the car and she gets in and starts accusing me of having sex with my ex among other BS allegations. I just sat there and refused to answer.

After a few minutes she is silent. We are in the empty carpark. It looks like she is about to pass out. I tell her to put on her seatbelt. She hears me but I think she expects me to do it for her. I say, "Put on your seatbelt please". She complies and we leave. Thirty kilometers later we are almost back here and she starts asking if we are going camping tonight. I say that we are not going camping; we are going home to bed. She then insists I take her to her son.

So I stop the car. "Look. You told me you wanted to get away from you son's place. You actually said you wanted to be 'rescued'. You even called me your soldier. I have come to help you and you are now not wanting my help. You have two choices: Either you come back with me, or I drop you back at your son's place. So what will it be?" She says she wants to go to her son's. "Ok. So I am not a taxi service. I will drive you there but you cannot then say you want to come back with me, OK?"

-"Fine."

I turn the car around and she then leaps over the front seat into the back and lays across the seats. Half an hour later she pops her head up and asks where we are. I tell her we are almost there and she is thanking me for driving her back. We get to his place and she becomes angry because I am parking out the front and embarrassing her. So I park on the other side of the road. She then says, "So you are just dumping me?" I say, "No, you asked to be driven back here.' She then says she is going to wait in the car for a few minutes and then go. Then she says I have supposed to be her boyfriend and I am getting rid of her. I tell her that we will have to try again tomorrow because I cannot talk to her when she has been drinking.

She climbs over the seat and pats me on my head. Then she digs her nails into my head as she lets loose with disgusting language. Calls me a rapist and my two sons too. She gouges my eyes and I yell "Enough"! She grabs my ears and bites the tip of my nose. I scream in pain and blood is dripping from my nose. She says, "What are you boo hooing about you squid? It didn't even draw blood"!

I tell her to get out of the car. She say she won't. I say she has get out NOW! Or I will be going to the police station with her in the car. She is mocking me. I am so hurt and upset. I get out the car, open her door and pull her out. Her bag falls on the ground and coins spill everywhere. I get into the car and drive off bleeding. I got home without even remembering the drive and crawled into bed and slept for half an hour. I have heard nothing from her since. I feel really really hurt. I don't know what I am going to do about this. I have to see my therapist in the morning. Maybe he will be able to help me sort this out. This has happened before. This is probably the worst. I am in a fair bit of pain and my kids are really furious how she has messed up my face. I look like Rudolf! Merry  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) Christmas!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

And let's have a red flag emblem to raise awareness for all those BPD sufferers' sufferers... Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

« Last Edit: October 02, 2019, 10:30:43 AM by Harri, Reason: split thread due to length » Logged
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Stillhopeful4
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« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2019, 09:57:37 AM »

2020,

That sounds just awful.  (((Hugs))).

SH4
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« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2019, 10:53:05 AM »

Hey, thanks! It sounds like you are going through hell too. It isn't easy is it? They really challenge the concept of forgiveness! We get treated like  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) and yet still we offer the hand of kindness and compassion. They don't even realise! Tonight I am reminding myself she has a disability and is unwell. Who knows what tomorrow shall bring?
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« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2019, 10:58:31 AM »

Radical acceptance, that's how I look at it.  And yes, they do really challenge forgiveness.  It's crazy how we go through hoops to forgive them, but they can't forgive us for the slightest thing.  But now, being here on this board, I have learned that they really can't.  It's hard and it's sad.
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« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2019, 11:29:53 AM »

Yes it is sad. Underneath this ugliness are really fine human beings. There must be something amazing about them or we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I guess I am learning what this radical acceptance is all about. I am just glad she is 35 km away from me tonight and cannot cause me any more harm. I am still worried about her though. I keep thinking if she is ok. Was her son home? Did she go inside? Is she asleep in bed or in a gutter? Did she jump off that bridge when I left? I am going to try get some sleep. She may try and call me tomorrow and say sorry. I don't know how I'll respond.
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« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2019, 11:17:44 PM »

So I went and saw my therapist today. It was a long session. He is really great. Makes sure you have as much time as needed to discuss. I decided that if I had not heard from my partner by tonight, I would phone her son and leave a message. I was concerned what happened to her after I removed her from the car last night.

When I got back from therapy, she rang here and apologized straight up, which is unlike her. She did sound remorseful and sorry for hurting me. She also said she cannot drink 'like that' ever again. I don't think she can drink AT ALL. I just said that I think there is a point in drinking with anyone where we loose control and hurt either ourselves of others in the process. We aren't even aware of what we are doing. She agreed. I said that we need to make it a rule that we don't hang out together when drinking is going on. I don't drink, or if I do it is once every few years. If I drank regularly, this relationship would be history ages ago. Maybe I should start drinking? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

She mentioned she needs to learn to cope with life. I reminded her that she mentioned she needed to see her doctor last night. At this point I think if she did do that, it might be a start to getting back onto medication and managing better. I am no pill pusher, but I will say this: She is SO Much better when she is medicated. We had a month of no drama this year before she suddenly jumped of her tablets. From what I can figure out, this is a common thing with people with BPD.

I am not seeing her today. I have said we will speak tomorrow if she would like. Depending in the interaction between us, perhaps we will go and camp somewhere for a night or two and see if we can get along and repair this. Today I am taking my son to a beach with all of these rock pools. I just told him and he is so excited! Today is going to be ok.
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« Reply #6 on: October 02, 2019, 07:49:21 PM »

Update: Today I am going camping with my partner. She has been indicating she needs to go see her doctor and work out how to manage her anxiety. I'll see if I can support her or gently nudge her in this direction. It would be a good start. Not sure how I'll go. I'll post in a few days.
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« Reply #7 on: October 02, 2019, 09:38:17 PM »

i am glad to hear that things as of yesterday are in a better place.

there are some pretty serious challenges here. they didnt build up over night, and make no mistake, they wont be fixed over night, assuming that they can be. i dont doubt her sincerity one bit; she sounds very sincere. the issue is the ability and willingness to follow through, and not only that, realistic expectations on your end as to what that will entail. there will be more storms. things will not be as simple as reminding her during the next storm, of what she said the other day. this is something youre going to have to measure slowly over time, and with accountability.

substance abuse can create a world of problems. mix them in with bpd traits, and you have a cocktail of emotional volatility. she has a tendency to be violent. alcohol can crank everything from 0-100 in an instant, as it did the other night.

Excerpt
I said that we need to make it a rule that we don't hang out together when drinking is going on.

if this is your rule (in terms of safety and given the circumstances, i dont see much other choice) you will need to be very firm in it, and it will be up to you to enforce it.

otherwise, what happened the other night can happen again, and the likelihood is higher. the violence will kill the relationship.

you can nudge her in the direction of seeing her doctor, or whomever. ultimately though, its something she needs to want to do. you can play a supportive role in that. push too hard, and she will push back. push her to do it just for you, and the effort wont be sincere; it will have a higher likelihood of failure.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2019, 08:29:05 PM »

Thanks once removed. Yes it is a difficult situation and alcohol is a major ingredient in the violence. She has been drinking since around 12 years old. That is not going to be easy to stop. She used to drink everyday but in recent years she has arrested that at least. I gave up drinking years ago. It clearly was not going to work with both of us drinking. I am not her drinking buddy and she knows that.

Camping went fine. We had some semi heated moments where she was getting flustered but I was able to steer the topic elsewhere. At the end of the two days she wanted to return to her son's place and it felt like any positive plans we had discussed were futile. Once I dropped her at her son's, she got out the car, sat on the grass having a cigarette. Then she got back in the car, moaned about how  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) her life was and said that all her options were  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). As she couldn't stand her son's girlfriend she decided to come back here.

Overall, there is some calm here today which is nice. Shame it can't always be so. To be honest, my expectations are a lot lower than they were six years ago, or even six months ago. This will never be an easy relationship.
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« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2019, 11:53:34 PM »

Excerpt
It clearly was not going to work with both of us drinking. I am not her drinking buddy and she knows that.

this is a good example to set.

any update?
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« Reply #10 on: October 10, 2019, 03:10:24 AM »

Hello Once Removed. Yes I do have an update...

We had two days where we were firing on all cylinders, then my eldest son returned home. The mood between my partner and I changed dramaticly. For the past three days or so she has been withdrawing from me. I have told her that I would like us to discuss this, but she simply lays in bed and refuses to interact with me. I am left trying to run this online business as usual and she is essentially unable to do anything besides shut down and ignore me.

I explained to her last night that the business we are supposed to be working on together, will be impacted if we do not nurture it, as will our relationship with each other. I thought we had a fairly reasonable discussion about this and she told me she would be back on board today doing some work so we can make some money. She apologised for the way she had been treating me and told me she doesn't want to be like this.

Today we had an order. The first in twelve days! She woke up in a foul mood. Told me on a scale of one to ten of how much she hates me, she would rate me two hundred. She then dressed and was going to buy cigarettes. I offered to drive here there. The morning was spent with her grumbling about my kids and how she is going to sell all her belongings and buy a car to live in. She called me a pathetic squid for allowing my kids to  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) me up the  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

At around 2pm I drove my son to university and when I returned 10 minutes later, she was gone, which is to be expected. When my son had returned the other day, he was really upset. I forgot to mention this. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he can't stand being here. He hates my partner and wishes she would  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) off. He can't believe how I went camping with her after she tried to bite my nose off. He told me my face looked  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) and I look like a beaten old man. I tried to explain the difficulty dealing with this, but he has no empathy at all. He thinks she is abusing me, and even when it is 'nice' for a day or two, it is all just part of the abuse. He feels he has lost his Dad.

So now it is getting dark here. My partner(?) (not sure what she is anymore), may or may not return. She will be drunk I imagine. In other words it is all completely  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) as usual. I am trying not to get drawn into this. I do not go driving around looking for her anymore. Maybe that is what you call progress? Is there anything else I can do?
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« Reply #11 on: October 10, 2019, 09:53:20 AM »

So she came back after nine hours of drinking, yelled, cried, rang her son (repeatedly) and after his girlfried finally answered, she smashed the phone (again), threw breakfast cereal all over the bed. I threatened to get the police involved if she didn't stop her terrorism. She has been asleep for a couple of hours  Way to go! (click to insert in post). Hopefully she won't wake up!
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« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2019, 04:12:41 AM »

So another day, another crisis...

We had maybe two days of what would be considered semi-functional between my partner and I. My eldest son lost his temper a couple of days ago and I let loose on him verbally. This caused my partner to walk off but I did reason with her somehow and managed to contain the situation.

Today I drove my son to university but when I returned my partner had vanished. She had left a note saying she had gone to buy cigarettes, which is SOMETHING I guess. She didn't return for hours and when she did, she was drunk. I told her I was sick of the routine and she then walked off again. I drove after her. She got in the car. I tried explaining to her that we have a routine house inspection tomorrow and I could do with some help tidying up before the landlord comes. She refused to clean up after me or my abusive kids. Said she was going to her son's place and wont be back. I told her I was glad and she is not welcome here if she is drunk. She walked off. That was the last I have seen of her.

I am very worn down now. I am at a point where I feel torn between accepting her and her delusional thinking, her verbal abuse DAILY, her smashing things up and biting me.... and thinking it might be an idea if I just got the  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) away from this  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) ! I will now be up until at least 3am cleaning up around the house and then waking up at 6am to tidy outside a bit. I need to get her out of my head! This is so  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) up. I don't even know why I write this. Maybe someone might read it and learn something? Maybe I might.
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« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2019, 07:01:56 AM »

2020,

It really does sound like you are going thru a rough patch ((((Hugs)))).  You need to take a look at everything and decide what is best for you and your kids.  It's a very hard decision to make, either way.  Trust me, I know, I'm right along side you.  I have days when I want to give up and other days where I will fight to save my marriage with everything I have.

We are all here to listen.

SH4
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« Reply #14 on: October 16, 2019, 08:02:35 AM »

Thank you. Your message really helps me. I rang my sister twice and it was nice of her to listen. She doesn't quite get it though.

It is near midnight now where I am. My partner(?) phoned half an hour ago from a pay phone and asked if she could come back here. I agreed on the provision she did not act violently in any way. I did not offer to pick her up. She had to walk back here and she sat outside in the dark for a bit before sneaking back in through the bedroom window and passing out drunk in bed. I will be up all night cleaning and maybe tomorrow I will get some sleep.

Yes I am going through a rough patch. I am on the verge of giving up. I am lucky to have two 'nice' days a month lately. I might make a cup of tea and read a bit here. With a bit of luck I will have some peace tonight.
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