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Author Topic: Part 3: Partner disappeared again- Not going too well here  (Read 593 times)
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« on: October 01, 2019, 09:50:28 AM »

Mod Note:  This thread was split from Part 2 which is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339572.0;all

Not going to well here.

I got a phone call from my partner around 6pm here. She sounded very drunk. She somehow managed to articulate that things had turned sour at her son's house and she needed to get out of there. I asked her what had happened and she told me some things she said to her son which are really completely inappropriate.

So she wants to come here. I tell her that I am apprehensive about this because she has been drinking and I do not want any violence or destruction. I tell her if it is going to be a peaceful evening without drama, then she can come here. I ask where the address is she is at and she says she doesn't know and will meet me at this bridge. I ask what time she would like to meet and she says 10pm, only to get angry that I couldn't drop everything and get there in half an hour.

I am only mentioning all of this because maybe I missed something here. I don't know where I am going wrong. Well maybe I do now. I must make a clear boundry. I will not be around her if she has been drinking.

So we finally agree to meet at 7.30pm, at the bridge. I quickly make the bed up here with fresh sheets. I give the bathroom a clean. Have a quick shower. Run my son to the shops to buy dinner. I fill up with fuel and get to this bridge at 7.35pm. I look around in the dark and cant find her. Then I hear a beep. It is her son and girlfriend. I walk towards their car. My partner gets out and almost falls over. We get into the car. They leave.

My partner wants to go back to their place to pick up these boxes of dress making patterns and her clothes and computer. She says she has a key to get in. We get there and she realises the key is locked indoors. Her son wont be back until later. She starts sobbing. I tell her it is upsetting but we can either call him from a call box, or we can return later to pick up her stuff. We then head to a shop before it closes to get some things for dinner.

In the supermarket she is causing a scene. She is yelling at me and saying "What did you eat with your ex while I was away"? I ignore her and get some salad things and some cheese. Then she picks up two huge cakes and tries to stuff them into the shopping basket. She crushes one in and looks angry. She is telling me this is the  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) my son eats! At this point I say, "OK. This is really poor behaviour! I am leaving". She walks off. I return the shopping to the shelves and leave. I get to the car and she is smoking, waiting. I open the car and she gets in and starts accusing me of having sex with my ex among other BS allegations. I just sat there and refused to answer.

After a few minutes she is silent. We are in the empty carpark. It looks like she is about to pass out. I tell her to put on her seatbelt. She hears me but I think she expects me to do it for her. I say, "Put on your seatbelt please". She complies and we leave. Thirty kilometers later we are almost back here and she starts asking if we are going camping tonight. I say that we are not going camping; we are going home to bed. She then insists I take her to her son.

So I stop the car. "Look. You told me you wanted to get away from you son's place. You actually said you wanted to be 'rescued'. You even called me your soldier. I have come to help you and you are now not wanting my help. You have two choices: Either you come back with me, or I drop you back at your son's place. So what will it be?" She says she wants to go to her son's. "Ok. So I am not a taxi service. I will drive you there but you cannot then say you want to come back with me, OK?"

-"Fine."

I turn the car around and she then leaps over the front seat into the back and lays across the seats. Half an hour later she pops her head up and asks where we are. I tell her we are almost there and she is thanking me for driving her back. We get to his place and she becomes angry because I am parking out the front and embarrassing her. So I park on the other side of the road. She then says, "So you are just dumping me?" I say, "No, you asked to be driven back here.' She then says she is going to wait in the car for a few minutes and then go. Then she says I have supposed to be her boyfriend and I am getting rid of her. I tell her that we will have to try again tomorrow because I cannot talk to her when she has been drinking.

She climbs over the seat and pats me on my head. Then she digs her nails into my head as she lets loose with disgusting language. Calls me a rapist and my two sons too. She gouges my eyes and I yell "Enough"! She grabs my ears and bites the tip of my nose. I scream in pain and blood is dripping from my nose. She says, "What are you boo hooing about you squid? It didn't even draw blood"!

I tell her to get out of the car. She say she won't. I say she has get out NOW! Or I will be going to the police station with her in the car. She is mocking me. I am so hurt and upset. I get out the car, open her door and pull her out. Her bag falls on the ground and coins spill everywhere. I get into the car and drive off bleeding. I got home without even remembering the drive and crawled into bed and slept for half an hour. I have heard nothing from her since. I feel really really hurt. I don't know what I am going to do about this. I have to see my therapist in the morning. Maybe he will be able to help me sort this out. This has happened before. This is probably the worst. I am in a fair bit of pain and my kids are really furious how she has messed up my face. I look like Rudolf! Merry  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) Christmas!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

And let's have a red flag emblem to raise awareness for all those BPD sufferers' sufferers... Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

« Last Edit: October 02, 2019, 10:30:43 AM by Harri, Reason: split thread due to length » Logged
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« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2019, 09:57:37 AM »

2020,

That sounds just awful.  (((Hugs))).

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« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2019, 10:53:05 AM »

Hey, thanks! It sounds like you are going through hell too. It isn't easy is it? They really challenge the concept of forgiveness! We get treated like  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) and yet still we offer the hand of kindness and compassion. They don't even realise! Tonight I am reminding myself she has a disability and is unwell. Who knows what tomorrow shall bring?
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« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2019, 10:58:31 AM »

Radical acceptance, that's how I look at it.  And yes, they do really challenge forgiveness.  It's crazy how we go through hoops to forgive them, but they can't forgive us for the slightest thing.  But now, being here on this board, I have learned that they really can't.  It's hard and it's sad.
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« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2019, 11:29:53 AM »

Yes it is sad. Underneath this ugliness are really fine human beings. There must be something amazing about them or we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I guess I am learning what this radical acceptance is all about. I am just glad she is 35 km away from me tonight and cannot cause me any more harm. I am still worried about her though. I keep thinking if she is ok. Was her son home? Did she go inside? Is she asleep in bed or in a gutter? Did she jump off that bridge when I left? I am going to try get some sleep. She may try and call me tomorrow and say sorry. I don't know how I'll respond.
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« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2019, 11:17:44 PM »

So I went and saw my therapist today. It was a long session. He is really great. Makes sure you have as much time as needed to discuss. I decided that if I had not heard from my partner by tonight, I would phone her son and leave a message. I was concerned what happened to her after I removed her from the car last night.

When I got back from therapy, she rang here and apologized straight up, which is unlike her. She did sound remorseful and sorry for hurting me. She also said she cannot drink 'like that' ever again. I don't think she can drink AT ALL. I just said that I think there is a point in drinking with anyone where we loose control and hurt either ourselves of others in the process. We aren't even aware of what we are doing. She agreed. I said that we need to make it a rule that we don't hang out together when drinking is going on. I don't drink, or if I do it is once every few years. If I drank regularly, this relationship would be history ages ago. Maybe I should start drinking? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

She mentioned she needs to learn to cope with life. I reminded her that she mentioned she needed to see her doctor last night. At this point I think if she did do that, it might be a start to getting back onto medication and managing better. I am no pill pusher, but I will say this: She is SO Much better when she is medicated. We had a month of no drama this year before she suddenly jumped of her tablets. From what I can figure out, this is a common thing with people with BPD.

I am not seeing her today. I have said we will speak tomorrow if she would like. Depending in the interaction between us, perhaps we will go and camp somewhere for a night or two and see if we can get along and repair this. Today I am taking my son to a beach with all of these rock pools. I just told him and he is so excited! Today is going to be ok.
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« Reply #6 on: October 02, 2019, 07:49:21 PM »

Update: Today I am going camping with my partner. She has been indicating she needs to go see her doctor and work out how to manage her anxiety. I'll see if I can support her or gently nudge her in this direction. It would be a good start. Not sure how I'll go. I'll post in a few days.
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« Reply #7 on: October 02, 2019, 09:38:17 PM »

i am glad to hear that things as of yesterday are in a better place.

there are some pretty serious challenges here. they didnt build up over night, and make no mistake, they wont be fixed over night, assuming that they can be. i dont doubt her sincerity one bit; she sounds very sincere. the issue is the ability and willingness to follow through, and not only that, realistic expectations on your end as to what that will entail. there will be more storms. things will not be as simple as reminding her during the next storm, of what she said the other day. this is something youre going to have to measure slowly over time, and with accountability.

substance abuse can create a world of problems. mix them in with bpd traits, and you have a cocktail of emotional volatility. she has a tendency to be violent. alcohol can crank everything from 0-100 in an instant, as it did the other night.

Excerpt
I said that we need to make it a rule that we don't hang out together when drinking is going on.

if this is your rule (in terms of safety and given the circumstances, i dont see much other choice) you will need to be very firm in it, and it will be up to you to enforce it.

otherwise, what happened the other night can happen again, and the likelihood is higher. the violence will kill the relationship.

you can nudge her in the direction of seeing her doctor, or whomever. ultimately though, its something she needs to want to do. you can play a supportive role in that. push too hard, and she will push back. push her to do it just for you, and the effort wont be sincere; it will have a higher likelihood of failure.
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« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2019, 08:29:05 PM »

Thanks once removed. Yes it is a difficult situation and alcohol is a major ingredient in the violence. She has been drinking since around 12 years old. That is not going to be easy to stop. She used to drink everyday but in recent years she has arrested that at least. I gave up drinking years ago. It clearly was not going to work with both of us drinking. I am not her drinking buddy and she knows that.

Camping went fine. We had some semi heated moments where she was getting flustered but I was able to steer the topic elsewhere. At the end of the two days she wanted to return to her son's place and it felt like any positive plans we had discussed were futile. Once I dropped her at her son's, she got out the car, sat on the grass having a cigarette. Then she got back in the car, moaned about how  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) her life was and said that all her options were  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). As she couldn't stand her son's girlfriend she decided to come back here.

Overall, there is some calm here today which is nice. Shame it can't always be so. To be honest, my expectations are a lot lower than they were six years ago, or even six months ago. This will never be an easy relationship.
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« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2019, 11:53:34 PM »

Excerpt
It clearly was not going to work with both of us drinking. I am not her drinking buddy and she knows that.

this is a good example to set.

any update?
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« Reply #10 on: October 10, 2019, 03:10:24 AM »

Hello Once Removed. Yes I do have an update...

We had two days where we were firing on all cylinders, then my eldest son returned home. The mood between my partner and I changed dramaticly. For the past three days or so she has been withdrawing from me. I have told her that I would like us to discuss this, but she simply lays in bed and refuses to interact with me. I am left trying to run this online business as usual and she is essentially unable to do anything besides shut down and ignore me.

I explained to her last night that the business we are supposed to be working on together, will be impacted if we do not nurture it, as will our relationship with each other. I thought we had a fairly reasonable discussion about this and she told me she would be back on board today doing some work so we can make some money. She apologised for the way she had been treating me and told me she doesn't want to be like this.

Today we had an order. The first in twelve days! She woke up in a foul mood. Told me on a scale of one to ten of how much she hates me, she would rate me two hundred. She then dressed and was going to buy cigarettes. I offered to drive here there. The morning was spent with her grumbling about my kids and how she is going to sell all her belongings and buy a car to live in. She called me a pathetic squid for allowing my kids to  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) me up the  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

At around 2pm I drove my son to university and when I returned 10 minutes later, she was gone, which is to be expected. When my son had returned the other day, he was really upset. I forgot to mention this. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he can't stand being here. He hates my partner and wishes she would  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) off. He can't believe how I went camping with her after she tried to bite my nose off. He told me my face looked  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) and I look like a beaten old man. I tried to explain the difficulty dealing with this, but he has no empathy at all. He thinks she is abusing me, and even when it is 'nice' for a day or two, it is all just part of the abuse. He feels he has lost his Dad.

So now it is getting dark here. My partner(?) (not sure what she is anymore), may or may not return. She will be drunk I imagine. In other words it is all completely  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) as usual. I am trying not to get drawn into this. I do not go driving around looking for her anymore. Maybe that is what you call progress? Is there anything else I can do?
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« Reply #11 on: October 10, 2019, 09:53:20 AM »

So she came back after nine hours of drinking, yelled, cried, rang her son (repeatedly) and after his girlfried finally answered, she smashed the phone (again), threw breakfast cereal all over the bed. I threatened to get the police involved if she didn't stop her terrorism. She has been asleep for a couple of hours  Way to go! (click to insert in post). Hopefully she won't wake up!
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« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2019, 04:12:41 AM »

So another day, another crisis...

We had maybe two days of what would be considered semi-functional between my partner and I. My eldest son lost his temper a couple of days ago and I let loose on him verbally. This caused my partner to walk off but I did reason with her somehow and managed to contain the situation.

Today I drove my son to university but when I returned my partner had vanished. She had left a note saying she had gone to buy cigarettes, which is SOMETHING I guess. She didn't return for hours and when she did, she was drunk. I told her I was sick of the routine and she then walked off again. I drove after her. She got in the car. I tried explaining to her that we have a routine house inspection tomorrow and I could do with some help tidying up before the landlord comes. She refused to clean up after me or my abusive kids. Said she was going to her son's place and wont be back. I told her I was glad and she is not welcome here if she is drunk. She walked off. That was the last I have seen of her.

I am very worn down now. I am at a point where I feel torn between accepting her and her delusional thinking, her verbal abuse DAILY, her smashing things up and biting me.... and thinking it might be an idea if I just got the  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) away from this  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) ! I will now be up until at least 3am cleaning up around the house and then waking up at 6am to tidy outside a bit. I need to get her out of my head! This is so  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) up. I don't even know why I write this. Maybe someone might read it and learn something? Maybe I might.
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« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2019, 07:01:56 AM »

2020,

It really does sound like you are going thru a rough patch ((((Hugs)))).  You need to take a look at everything and decide what is best for you and your kids.  It's a very hard decision to make, either way.  Trust me, I know, I'm right along side you.  I have days when I want to give up and other days where I will fight to save my marriage with everything I have.

We are all here to listen.

SH4
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« Reply #14 on: October 16, 2019, 08:02:35 AM »

Thank you. Your message really helps me. I rang my sister twice and it was nice of her to listen. She doesn't quite get it though.

It is near midnight now where I am. My partner(?) phoned half an hour ago from a pay phone and asked if she could come back here. I agreed on the provision she did not act violently in any way. I did not offer to pick her up. She had to walk back here and she sat outside in the dark for a bit before sneaking back in through the bedroom window and passing out drunk in bed. I will be up all night cleaning and maybe tomorrow I will get some sleep.

Yes I am going through a rough patch. I am on the verge of giving up. I am lucky to have two 'nice' days a month lately. I might make a cup of tea and read a bit here. With a bit of luck I will have some peace tonight.
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« Reply #15 on: October 18, 2019, 08:35:39 AM »

remember what i said about storms. storms will always occur. the goal is, ideally, to get the relationship on an overall healthier trajectory. when that happens, its possible that the storms are less frequent, or less intense, and when they do happen, we are better equipped to weather them.

Excerpt
We had maybe two days of what would be considered semi-functional between my partner and I.

it sounds like you are doing more "putting out fires" than "fire prevention". youre caught up more in the cycle than the overall trajectory. you enjoy the good times, and when a storm comes, you throw up your hands. meanwhile, overall, things are getting worse.

these problems in your relationship did not develop over night. they will not go away over night.

think globally.
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« Reply #16 on: November 07, 2019, 06:59:51 AM »

Hello again. Not sure whether to post here or start a new topic. I am posting here so I can read back and see the frequency of this tragic violent relationship.

Again I feel embarrassed, even stupid that I am still here in this loop of misery. I cannot sustain any stability in this relationship for more than a few days at best. Last month I suffered a violent attack from her and tonight she did it all over again.

It was her son's birthday on Monday. I helped her wrap his presents. It took a while. She wanted to make it special. I dropped her at her son's place in the afternoon. On the way she was clearly anxious and was picking on me verbally. Then she rang me at 2am and wanted me to pick her up, which I did. She was very drunk and would not speak to me during the half hour trip home. The next day I had to go to the post office and send a sewing pattern off which I had spent hours drafting and printing while she did the birthday thing. I bought her a twig of cotton from the florist near the post office which she surprisingly really appreciated!

She slept most of the day and when she awoke she wanted to get really close. She was undressing me in bed and after we had sex we fell asleep naked in each others arms. It was nice to feel connected again.

The next morning she started the decent. She was complaining about my kids, about the living arrangement. She would not do any work. She told me she hated me and my kids and was leaving me. I got the cold shoulder treatment all day.This morning there was no improvement. We had a brief moment when we lay down together and I was able to at least speak to her. She said nothing.

She disappeared on several occasions today and each time returned more drunk and abusive. She tried to use the phone at one point and blamed me because she was too drunk to figure out how to make a call on it. She smashed it on the window ledge. I tried to not escalate things. I made the observation that I can see she is upset, that I get upset sometimes too, but smashing things up is not a a good long term solution to problems. she walked off.

Tonight she had returned and was laying under a table on the verandah. I went out and encouraged her to come inside and come to bed. She told me to  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) off. I went inside and she climbed in the bedroom window. She picked up plasic crates of sewing paterns and started emptying them all over the room. She threw stuff everywhere. She bashed me in the chest with a plastic box. Then she swiped the side of my face. I wrestled her onto the bed and told her if she acts like that, I will have to call the police. She punched me in the face. I hit her back and she got up and attacked me further. I pushed her back and she fell over a small table. I told her she has to leave. She yelled at me calling me a drug addict which is untrue. I yelled back saying I had had enough and she needed to go now. She said she was going to the hospital because I had hit her.

This was about three hours ago. She has not returned. I half expected the police to show up but that has not happened. I called my sister on my son's phone and to be honest, she is sick of hearing about this. She has told me to go to the police and put a restraining order on her. She said she would drive down here and take me to the police station if need be, with the photos I have of her bite marks she has inflicted. She said I probably won't do anything.

I feel like  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). I don't know how things can just flip like this. I thought we may be heading towards some nice days together. Now tonight it seriously looks like it is over. I cannot go on like this. It has turned really ugly. It is fine to talk about fire prevention, but I am dealing with an unpredictable violent drunk with an untreated complex mental health issue. She has no idea what reality is anymore. How do I deal with this? It is looking increasingly that this relationship is over. I am P Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) ing into the wind. What a tragedy.
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« Reply #17 on: November 07, 2019, 08:09:48 AM »

Dear 2020-

I’m sorry, but what you describe, and have been describing is frightening and extremely dangerous.  For you, for her and for your sons.

Just last month I read that she was not to drink in your presence.  It appears that boundary has not held.  I understand it’s difficult. 

She physically attacked you last month and hurt you badly.  Now here she was again - drunk, physically attacking you and you have hit her back.  People DO have natural reactions and basic primal  “instincts” to protect themselves.  Unfortunately the police will likely NOT see things that way.  You’ll be the one who ends up charged and jailed.  I hope not... I hope not.

I don’t intend to be harsh or to offend in any way, but her illness appears to be way over your ability to manage.  I don’t know ANYONE who could manage this level of illness or dysregulation, outside of those who work in-patient programs.

Are these brief moments of intimacy really worth the real danger that appears to be involved here?  To you?  Your sons?  Her?  I just have nothing to offer.  I’m sorry, my friend.

She is not going to change, not without drastic intervention. 

Is living like this, as things stand now, with EVERY WAKING MOMENT being in reaction to her, acceptable for your remaining years?

In your heart of hearts, what do you really THINK should happen from here on? 

Do you have any choices?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes



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« Reply #18 on: November 07, 2019, 08:39:04 AM »

Gemsforeyes, your words are very kind and wise. I am very upset here tonight. I feel very sad, for me and for her. She has a major drinking problem and it has been going on since I met her, infact, since she was a child. But I have to stop thinking about her, trying to make things better. The verbal abuse is constant. It never ends. And she has not only decided my children are 'retards', she has also made it very clear she hates her only son's girlfriend. My sister met my partner a couple of years ago and they got on. My partner turned on my sister some months ago after my sister, whom is a vet, went out on a night call to assist my ex partner, the mother of my children, with her sick dog.

Look, this is complex. I don't even know if the details matter anymore. Tonight I do not know how to proceed. It smells like death to be honest. No point for an autopsy. Your words are not harsh nor offensive. Buying her little gifts, telling her I love her, bending over backwards to accommodate her, it is no use. Both my Son's have grown to hate her. It is sad. She cannot see that her biting my face has led to this. It is always somebody elses' fault.

I am going to have to reflect on things. I cannot go on in this way. If I am not careful, she will be driving a pair of scissors into my chest, not a plastic box. Clearly I have not been able to maintain a 'No Alcohol' boundry. Seriously though, she ought to be putting in the hard work not to drink. Nobody is forcing the bottle to her lips.

Things clearly need to change. I cannot do this much longer. I am 53. I doubt she will change. To be honest, I think she needs to be locked up again for her own safety and that of those around her.

My heart of hearts? That's broken. I don't know what to think. My brain is a muddle. I am very unwell.
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« Reply #19 on: November 07, 2019, 03:56:36 PM »

Dear 2020-

I understand that while in the midst of this you cannot possibly gain the calm of mind to clearly plan any way forward for yourself, your family, and not at all for your gf.  You’ve no control of her.  It’s good you recognize that.  You HAVE to KNOW that - Radical Acceptance.  Not that you have to ACCEPT this relationship for what it is.  You do NOT.  No.

You CAN however accept that she is separate from you.  And you CAN separate FROM her.  For yourself, your sons, her.

This is not a “run” message.  This is a plea for A creating of distance or space for the purpose of safety and wellbeing.  You say you’re “unwell”.  I hear you loud and clear.

Space to take a pause, take a breath, two, three... for your health - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.  So you CAN sit quietly, not in heart-pounding anticipation of when she will climb through your window and create havoc; and gather your thoughts.  Perhaps take your son who lives with you and relocate for a few months?  Place yourself into intensive therapy?  Make this about you and only you.  Because now, my friend it IS.  It is...

And yes, the violence can easily escalate from a plastic box to scissors.  And a pair of scissors can be dangerous.

And yes, her “hatred” and disdain toward those around her now seems to know no limits.  And those around her feel it, are likely scared to death of it.

What she feels is in each moment.  And her “moments” seem now to blur into one another and have no hours between them.  Seems when there is “calm” it is there because she’s exhausted, not really calm.  It doesn’t last.  As soon as she’s gotten rest, it begins again (from what I can gather from your telling).  So it never seems to stop.  Her “moments” of chaos and blame and hatred only stop when she sleeps or has just awoken.  This is no way for you to live.

So will you (not “can” you) WILL you, at least consider a step toward helping yourself?  And your sons?

Can we talk through what this could look like?  No need to cast “blame” her way.  But how to center this around you and only you?  (And I’m assuming the son who is still reliant on you).

Warmly,
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« Reply #20 on: November 07, 2019, 07:24:17 PM »

Thank you Gemsforeyes. I have had very little sleep. She has not returned so far and I am both thankful for that and sad. I cannot see a way forward right now. I have emailed my therapist to make an appointment and hopefully he will see me next week. My chest hurts from her attack last night. I was going to go to the hospital but the thought that she may be there made me not do that. I think I am just badly bruised. I am sure she is too. It is a very regrettable situation.

I could not contain what was going on. Over time she has divided me from my children. It has become ridiculous. I dread even driving my autistic son to the shop to get groceries. He likes that time he has with me every day. I cannot cook a meal anymore. She ground it all down to us eating in the bedroom, cooking on a campstove, and now we can't even cook. We eat bread and cheese. She won't get in the car with me lately because it stinks of my son. If she does she winds down the window before she gets in. She won't use the bathroom, no matter how I clean and mop it every morning. She pees in a bucket on the verandah. She won't wash her clothes here because she says my kids have trashed the washing machine and it ruins her clothes. And even her son suffers from her rudeness. He is told she will never talk to him again if he has babies with his girlfriend. He has been told how much she hates his girlfriend, how she comes from a family of gamblers and addicts. How she is boring and he could do so much better.

But maybe this is me casting blame? Whatever the issues are, I can not change any of this. I have bent over backwards and it has just become worse and worse. I have been hoping she would just move out as she threatens to all the time. At least then I could visit her when she is well enough to be around, and remove myself when she is angry. But what sort of a relationship is that?

Foolishly I embarked on an online business with her this year. I have been working at least twelve hours a day, everyday, for months. It has barely made $2000 and if it weren't for me receiving a carers allowance for my son and having cheap rent, we would be on the street. I think I might have to shut the shop down for a bit. It is just too stressful. She tried to remove the website the other day in a rage and I pulled the plug on her computer and changed the password to access the site... for the 4th time. If she helped out rather than destroyed things, it might work in time, but right now it equates to her laying in bed telling me how much she hates me, whilst I pretend to be nice to customers and ship out the goods. I have worked out my hourly rate is averaging just under a dollar. Yes, I am unwell. Yet still I wonder where she is. I am worried about her and feel sorry for her. She has very few options and those she has are temporary. I am wishfully thinking she may sort herself out now, but the reality is this is unlikely.

What you are saying about her 'moments' blurring into each other is spot on I think. I am reflecting today that she has sex with me to escape the torment she is feeling. The very next day she will turn on me. It always happens.

I don't know what the future looks like. She cannot be here anymore. It has become too unsafe. She blames my kids for her being held prisoner in the bedroom, but she has done that to herself. Her perception of reality is skewed beyond belief.

Last night she left for the hospital after smashing her wine glass on my car. I cannot find the phone, or what is left of it after she smashed it. I do not know where she is or when she will return. Her belongings are here. All I know right now is she is not here and I guess I need to be grateful of that.

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« Reply #21 on: November 08, 2019, 12:39:45 AM »

Excerpt
It is fine to talk about fire prevention, but I am dealing with an unpredictable violent drunk with an untreated complex mental health issue.

2020,

posting here only when the very worst of crises has already happened is not helping you.

that is, in part, what is meant by "fire prevention". thinking globally. getting steady and consistent support, in a multi faceted way. you need it more than most. and i want to stress that more than anything.

the trajectory of things is getting worse. it will continue to get worse until something gives.

youre at a crossroads.

if this is salvageable, its going to require a serious and steady commitment that strategically targets what are extreme issues; with ongoing, targeted help, and support. if it isnt, that too, will require a serious and steady commitment.

making an appointment with your therapist is a start. but its not dissimilar to posting here occasionally after things have already gone off the rails. it is less than a bandaid if the two of you are just going to get back together, into the same pattern, where the next episode could be even worse.

you need a plan, with a strong support system, whatever you are going to do. are you ready to start?
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« Reply #22 on: November 08, 2019, 01:50:07 AM »

Yes Once Removed. I do hear you. I need to try and come up with a plan. Trying to salvage things from this dire situation will not be easy and it will obviously require a lot of work. I have been 'holed' up in this bedroom all day with my partner. I have very limited chance to be online without her being suspicious. I try to fit in 'homework' when she is not around, which is rare.

I can see several issues which will need to be addressed in order for anything to work. I am sure she will have her take on what the issues are. The way I see this is she may or may not have a formal diagnosis, she has not exactly been clear on this. From what I have read here though, I am fairly certain she is showing traits of BPD. I have notice a massive improvement when she sees her doctor and takes her medication. I think that is a fair observation, although she sees it as becoming a zombie and doesn't like it. She then medicates with alcohol and becomes violent. She feels that I have sided with my children and plotted against her. I have not been able to shift this perception. She constantly says she needs a home away from my abusive children but I have not been able to come up with an amicable solution to this. She will not at this point budge from having me to herself in a home together and no kids around. There was a point in the past where I had no kids living with me and much of what is happening now was happening then.

This is pretty bad really. I would suggest that the first stop off needs to be a counsellor. My therapist has seen us both on a couple of occasions and my partner likes him. Maybe that would be a start? The alcohol needs to stop. If it doesn't, then this violence will likely keep happening.

Can you give me some suggestions? I have no idea for sure where she is and suspect she is at her son's. I think all I can do right now is give her space. To be honest, I doubt this is the end of us; I just don't want to repeat the past, that is all. Any advice please?
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« Reply #23 on: November 08, 2019, 02:29:38 AM »

To be honest, I doubt this is the end of us; I just don't want to repeat the past, that is all. Any advice please?

i hear you.

it sounds to me that you love this woman, in spite of the hardships, and very much want to make this work, against the odds. and lets be real, they are difficult odds, and getting more difficult. i get that, and appreciate it.

my point is not that this is a hopeless situation, it isnt. couples (rarely) have come back from this.

but that the amount of works that its going to take cannot be understated, and is not at all a guarantee.

so what does fire prevention really mean in these circumstances?

it means a radically different approach.

right now, the relationship is on a trajectory where you have a few good days, hoping they last, and then the two of you are slugging it out and youre wondering where to go from there, and each incident is worse, more dangerous, than the last. you go underwater from your support system, and it all repeats.

that approach is not working.

the few good days are not going to last. and things may even get worse before they get better.

at the very least, whether this relationship is headed toward a split, or to rehabilitation, getting centered, committing to a path, having a strong support system, those things, and i cant understate it, are really vital. even if this were to end, you would want it to be in the least painful, least destructive way possible, where things dont deteriorate. you would want to come out of it okay, at least in time. and rehabilitating, if its possible, may be the harder course, possible, but enormous. eyes on the prize.

the obvious problems are the alcohol and the domestic violence. those are the big things. but rehabilitating the relationship will also require, in the mean time, nurturing the relationship and shifting it, bit by bit, to a healthier trajectory; working the smaller stuff. and thats not necessarily a less difficult aspect of this. theres very little incentive to do so with such a difficult person. but the tools will help, and actively practicing them will help. working on that here, consistently, will help. learning to ride a bike is about much more than how to bandage yourself when you crash.

but the big problems are what they are, and lets not lose sight of them.

Excerpt
I have not been able to shift this perception

how have you tried?

Excerpt
I would suggest that the first stop off needs to be a counsellor.

that would be great. is she open to it?

Excerpt
The alcohol needs to stop. If it doesn't, then this violence will likely keep happening.

agreed.

when a person with a personality disorder presents before a therapist, the substance abuse is often the first things thats addressed. it makes everything worse.

you had mentioned that you were committed to not being around her when shes under the influence. its a fast approach, one that can make things harder in the short term, but one that in this case may be necessary...its almost a guarantee of violence, at this point. since you last posted, what has changed in this regard?
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« Reply #24 on: November 08, 2019, 03:21:25 AM »

Once Removed, I thank you for your time posting these words. It makes sense to me. I am just a slow learner.

I would have to say that the biggest issue from her perspective by far, is my kids. My youngest is autistic and 18 years old. He has had massive sexual abuse as a child before he was living with me, so he is quite damaged. It is only recently that I have managed to find him the perfect therapist who is one of the top Autism authorities in this country and also a sexual abuse counsellor. From his perspective, Dad rescued him when he was 12, and then he got involved with this woman who took his attention and affection away from him shortly after. He is awful to her. He mocks her voice, has done really bad things to her. She has also been awful to him. It is a household of conflict and I find myself stuck frozen not wanting to stir up the hornets nest most of the time.

What I am saying is, the four people under this roof cannot live together. It just isn't working. What would work is if my partner found an appartment or shack in the mountains somewhere, and I spent time with her that way. This has worked briefly in the past. It would give me time away from here and some respite. My son is like a six or seven year old. The older he gets, the more obvious it has become that he is 'special needs', for want of a better word. I have tried to get my children to understand how hard it is for my partner living here from her perspective but a young autistic man does not have empathy for anyone else but his dad. I have tried to explain how I feel I need to support my son and get services in place, support workers etc for him. She says he is rude and a delinquent and she has worked with autistic clients before and he is a psychopath. I doubt this will be resolved anytime soon.

I wonder if it is realistic to imagine a compromise? I can see no reason why living most of week with my partner and spending time here with my son would be worse than this is right now. But that is just me.

My partner suggested that she should come to my last therapy session with me but I said I couldn't do that as I needed to speak to him about my son, which was true. She has prior to this suggested we both go and see him. He actually offered to do this recently as he knows we have pretty much limited support in place. I think if I end up talking to my partner again soon, this is something I need to put to her. We could see him fortnightly I am sure. He sees mainly war veterans so he should be able to deal with a shell shocked couple of misfits like us.

You are right. I do love her. She is my muse. I draw pictures all the time to process what is going on between us. And she needs my company to encourage her creativity.

Her computer is on here in the bedroom and I can see she has looked at two emails of the many she receives in a day. One is for a rental property; a shack in the hills which is no longer available, and the other is regarding a course at the local university she swore she would never attend. I guess she is wanting to stick around. Part of me wants to email her and say sorry for hurting her, for my part in the fight. I think this is where I often  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) up. Maybe I should let some time pass first? I have no problem saying sorry. I would like to do so. She may be feeling sorry or shame but I don't know if she will say so. She has surprised me recently however.

I will try to become better at using the tools. I have been doing so, mainly trying not to Justify Argue Defend or Explain, which is tricky to remember as a converstion is in play, and Sympathy, Empathy and Truth statements. I have become better at this maybe because I can prepare the speech before hand.

I will try to get some sleep tonight. I spent some time driving to a waterfall with my son this afternoon. I felt depressed as it was near where we go to camp together, my partner and I. The waterfall has dried up. It was 38 degrees C and we could smell fire around. Lots of dead wood around. A metaphore for my life?





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« Reply #25 on: November 08, 2019, 03:42:41 AM »

Excerpt
I would have to say that the biggest issue from her perspective by far, is my kids.

sorry 2020, i didnt mean to leave that out. its a significant issue, one of the biggest. blending families is hard in the most ideal of circumstances.

Excerpt
I wonder if it is realistic to imagine a compromise?

maybe. it would require your girl feeling that she has a say in the process.

it would take multiple conversations over a long period of time, a process of getting on the same page. and it would take a series of successes, in spite of what would likely be ups and downs.

separating might work temporarily. it might even be necessary. but its hard to imagine the two of you living happily ever after, so to speak, in those conditions.

Excerpt
Maybe I should let some time pass first?

maybe. i think theres often harm in over pursuing and pushing too hard...theres not often harm in putting out an apology, and then letting it sit. she is likely feeling a lot of things. shame would likely be one of them.

more than likely, she is feeling a lot like you are. weighing the gravity of what happened, and wondering if this is salvageable.

Excerpt
I will try to become better at using the tools.

the tools can be used situationally.

what will likely help more is thinking about them globally (fire prevention). and practice.

i use them every day, whether (especially) im dealing with a difficult person, or a close loved one. its taken me hundreds of times to learn use them naturally and appropriately, and even still, i am who i am and sometimes go with my first instincts.

at the heart of all of your conflict with her is a deficit of trust on both sides. yes, you need to tackle and nip in the bud, the big issues. but in times of calm, or times of neutral, or whatever, you need to be nurturing and building the relationship overall. it creates more cooperation and trust. the harder stuff gets a little easier to solve. but it takes sustained effort, and it takes practice. youre trying to climb mount everest with a simple grappling hook.

if i were you, id have a few different threads going. threads on how to use the specific tools, and how youve used them in the past. threads like this, on the most difficult issues and how to tackle them. and id be building up my support system. teach them to others...apply them to others, as you are learning. always a teacher, always a student, as i was once told; its the best way to learn and you get it back in spades. id also have the most productive session with your therapist imaginable; tell them everything that happened, in the raw way that you told us. ask for tools for coping, and tools to stop the bleeding. process them here and get feedback.

keep us posted. let us know whats going on and get feedback for next steps. if the two of you get back together and nothing changes and you go underwater, your next post is going to look worse than this. a strong support system is critical.
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« Reply #26 on: November 09, 2019, 08:29:40 PM »

Thank you for the advice. My support is pretty limited now. My sister has had enough of hearing about this. She has been telling me to move house and not tell my partner; to not let her back into my life. This morning my sister emailed me and said I should place an ad on a dating site saying: 'Kind artistic Englishman with two adult sons (one an aspy). Seeking violent woman who will assault me and insult my family. Must have major mental health issues and be an alcoholic. I provide free board and lodging and unconditional love at the detriment of all.' It makes me want to hide away from everyone. I am feeling very isolated and alone. My kids don't want to know about this anymore. They hate my partner, they seriously do.

I sent an email to my partner saying sorry for my part in this. She has read this but has not replied. I emailed again last night saying I was hopeful we could talk about things but she has not been online and read this. I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I need to just hide away for a year and lick my wounds like the sick old dog I am. Part of me hopes she will contact me and we will work out a better path. It is looking grim though.

I have very sore ribs from the fight the other night. I have not recovered. I should probably go to the hospital and get my sternum xrayed. I find it painful to bend down or turn on a tap. I bet she is hurting too. What a terrible state of affairs this has become. Just totally unacceptable. I will post an update later. I have a therapy appointment for Wednesday. I just can't live like this anymore.
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« Reply #27 on: November 09, 2019, 10:46:01 PM »

I have a perhaps tougher perspective on your situation.

I see first step as you and your partner dealing with the alcoholism -- she needs to detox and rehab, then do 12 Steps/AA. You need to radically accept that your partner is an alcoholic and then look at your co-dependency.

She can't approach any type of mental health improvement when she has a level of alcohol in her system -- constantly. She must be on a spectrum of "obliterated" to "day after/feels like s**t" all the time.

I have read your postings and looked at the timing of events. She is never fully sober.

When you radically accept what is, this all becomes much more about you than about her. You have no control over her actions, no matter what she says or what you believe right now.

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« Reply #28 on: November 10, 2019, 07:40:18 AM »

Hello GaGrl,

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Yes, I am 100% in agreement here. She is an alcoholic and has been over the 11 years I have known her. She has some sober time six years ago when her life went to  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). She was receiving counselling and was proud she had stopped drinking. This is when we became entwined on a more intimate level.

I have no issue with accepting that she is an alcoholic. I have suggested detox and rehab many times to her, as have the mental health unit not far from here but she just never seems to get that far. They say they have to reach 'rock bottom', wherever that is. I have had substance issues myself which took a long time to cease. I can't even remember the year I stopped destroying myself. Probably over 10 years ago now. I don't celebrate things like this. I did try AA/NA for some time but was unsuccessful with that model. I know my partner is not receptive to it either. Hopefully she will find a different method which works for her, but maybe she won't.

I think realistically I can only make some changes for myself, as in, when she drinks, I will not be around her. The violence does escalate with her alcohol abuse. The problem is, as you have identified yourself, she is drinking all the time. Perhaps I should be grateful of this moment? She is not here tonight. It would be fairly safe to assume she is under the influence right now, wherever she is, at 12.30am. From what I can gather, alcohol abuse can be an issue for people with BPD. Would that be a fair assumption?
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« Reply #29 on: November 15, 2019, 09:51:20 PM »

OK, so a quick update.

I had booked an appointment with my counsellor but I did not go. My partner arrived a couple of nights prior. She had a disagreement of sorts with her son's partner and walked off to the shops and ended up doing a runner. She caught a taxi which cost her $100 and just arrived at the bedroom window unexpectedly.

She seemed quite distressed so I did my best not to stir up the hornets nest. The next day was a bit up and down. She kept saying she was only here because her stuff was here. She said we were never in a relationship and as soon as she has secured a place of her own to live, she will be gone.

The day of my counselling appointment she was really angry. When I went out with my son to the shop, she got onto my computer and raked through my recent emails to my sister. I honestly believed I had secured this. For some reason the computer had saved an autofill of the email password. She found emails to my sister which were me not coping and needing to talk to her for support. She sees this as slander. She was very hurt, understandably. My sister was advising me to leave this relationship and was saying it is nothing but abuse. In my reply I was trying to explain my partner is not well and has a difficult mental health condition. So in other words, I really  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) up! Then a day later she is in bed with me. The sex is back, the dreams, the love.

I have had a relply from my therapist saying I could reschedule for next week. I think I might try and steer my partner towards coming with me to therapy and perhaps making this a regular thing. You know? Fire Prevention? I'll see how I go.
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