Am I a bad person or narcissist?

[Robbland]

So long story, been on and off with my exwbpd for nearly 5 years. We lived together then split up right as we planned to move put together after about 3 years maybe 4.
During the 2 months we were split up she got into a thing with another guy and ended up pregnant.
I was still desperate to get back together and she didn't love this guy so we ended up getting back together with me promising to take on the child if needed.

Unfortunately things didn't work out or last. She had the baby I was there for the birth but shortly after things got so bad between her and my biological daughter that she chose to move out and we split.

I've still seen her on and off since but she is always very angry at me for everything in the world she blames me for.
The baby's biological dad has since decided he doesn't want anything to do with the baby which is very sad as she is a lovely little girl.
My exwbpd blames me now for the fact her baby doesn't have a dad. Her biological dad doesn't want to know and because we have split I don't see the baby much. She says that I promised to always be there for her and the fact that when we split up I didn't want visitation etc makes me the worst person in the world.

Half of me hears what she is saying but the other half says what was I supposed to do?
It's not my baby and when our relationship ended that is that?

I try to help her out still with things here and there because I love her still and she is in a mess but ultimately I feel guilty that what she says is true and that I should do more with her baby.

She guilts me so much over this I just don't know what the right thing to do is.. I find it hard to move on from my exwbpd because I still love her, but she said the only way we could get back together is if I cut the time I spend with my biological daughter to one night - I currently have her 3 and I can't and dont want to do this even tho I would love to be with her.

Comments, help, suggestions all welcome. I just don't know whether all the above makes me a bad person for not taking on the baby or whether I am doing the right thing... it's so hard to know when she puts things on me and makes me. feel guilty for our relationship not working and and for refusing to sacrifice time with my daughter.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Robbland,

these are pretty complicated circumstances.

as long as youre on and off, and still in contact, it would be a good idea to work on the Bettering board. you can still work through deciding whether or not you want to exit the relationship, and we can help with that.

She had the baby I was there for the birth but shortly after things got so bad between her and my biological daughter that she chose to move out and we split.

what happened between her and your daughter?

has she expressed what sort of relationship she wants you to have with her baby?

[lucidone]

Hello my friend, this sounds pretty rough, and familiar at the same time.  A lot of this seems fairly typical with those with BPD tendencies and those that are/were involved with one.  I'm going through the same kind of thing myself.  There's a lot of questions that I think would be beneficial to ask yourself.

I'm not sure exactly the specifics of this particular on and off again relationship, but this is typical of those relationships where one member has BPD.  Assuming that the on and off again happened numerous times, one question that I'd have, do you think this was a healthy relationship?

I can understanding being in love with someone in which it would make it difficult to separate from someone.  It seems that she's treated you quite bad and unfairly though.  Do you wonder why you'd love someone who could treat you like that?  Would you ever do to her what she did to you?  Do you think someone that treats you like that has the same capacity to love someone like you do?  Do you think that someone like that deserves your love, especially if that person can't reciprocate to the same level?  Do you think that you deserve to be treated like that, and to be involved in a relationship where you're treated poorly and unfairly?  No one deserves to be treated unfairly and poorly.

You're responsible for yourself. It doesn't mean being a selfish narcissistic asshole (you aren't narcissistic by the way, which is a somewhat common concern in those that have been involved in relationship with those with BPD), and it doesn't mean that you can't be a good person to others.  It means that you ought to do what's best for you, of course as long as you aren't hurting anyone else.  You're also responsible for your daughter.  Is getting back into a relationship with someone that treats you as she does, and doesn't get along with your daughter, and in fact wants to distance you away from, the best thing for you and your daughter?

She's always angry at you?  This is also typical of those with BPD, through a number of mechanisms.  They tend to view those as either 'all good' or 'all bad'.  It's very extreme, and literally immature thinking.  It sounds like she's painted you black, and she's behaving towards you as such.  They also tend to project the negative things that they see in themselves onto other people, so she may be seeing you with negative qualities that you don't actually, and treating you as such.  They also tend to deny the negative emotions that they have, or at least deny that they are responsible for those emotions being there, and blame those closest to them for those emotions, even if their reasoning for why you caused it is irrational.  The fact that she's mad at you for not wanting visitation seem's pretty irrational to me.

You're right, it's not your baby, and you don't have any responsibility for it.  You don't have any responsibility for her either.  This is a situation she allowed herself to get into.  Just as you're responsible for yourself, she's responsible for herself.  She needs to deal with it all, not you.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but she needs her father.  A child needs unconditional love.  How do you think it'd affect your daughter if she understood that you choose to spend more time with an abusive individual rather than her?  What if she can't understand?  What if she can't rationalize it?  What if she only understands that one of the most important people in her world (ideally and presumably) isn't there as much, for whatever reason?  Either way, these kind of things affect children/teenagers, usually in a negative manner, sometimes for the rest of their lives.

The hard truth is that if your ex does have BPD tendencies, they aren't going away with a lot of self-reflection, and years of therapy.  Does she realize that she has these tendencies?  If so would she want to commit to helping herself?  If so are you willing to stick around and be her emotional punching bag until she gets more control over her emotions and behavior?  What if she didn't get better?  What if you invested a huge amount of time and effort only to have her discard you?  Do you want to be in an abusive relationship just to have this person in your life?  Do you want to risk it affecting your daughters mental health, or her relationship with you?  Do you think that you can be exposed to all of this without it affecting your mental health?  Would being with this individual be the best thing for you, especially in the long term?

You're responsible for yourself.  Do whats best for you.  In my opinion it would help you grow ever so much to consider why you've decided to be with someone for so long, and continue to consider being with someone like this.  

[Harri]

A reminder to our members:  We have a "no run" policy on this board.   Members who post on this board are looking for solutions to better the relationship dynamics and as such, telling them to walk or run is against policy.

"Please do not urge participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult problems. Please allow them the opportunity."

For more Information please see the following:   Who Should Post on This Board

Thank you.
Harri

[Robbland]

To answer the question regarding my ex and my daughter,  she generally painted my daughter with a black brush.
Even though she was only 8 - 9 now, she though that my daughter tried to manipulate me to doing things, she thought she was a bully to her other daughter also 8, she also thought my daughter was more important to me than she was.
All of the above are things that I contested apart from the importance part - ive always put my daughter first over my exwbpd and she hated that.

Good questions as to why i want to be with someone like she is - and i wish i had the answer - ive been trying to disconnect for years and still am. I seem unable to say no to her ever and as a result i tend to get drawn back in time and again - although this time I have drawn a firm line where my daughter is concerned and said that isnt something thats ever going to be negotiable.

The biggest guilt trip she gives me is that when we got back together when she got pregnant I said i would look after her and her unborn daughter - which i tried to and would have, but we split up, she left actually because I wouldnt reduce my time with my daughter. As a result I didnt see her for a long time or the baby, and she view this as my betrayal of my word to look after her and the baby. She doesnt see that we separated and its not my baby - even though I would have taken the baby on had we been together, the fact we broke up does change that. She doesnt see it that way and continually guilts me over this point that the baby doesnt have her biological dad(thats apparently my fault because he didnt want to be involved because my ex and I were in a relationship) and the fact that I dont see the baby as "my child" and therefore dont arrange access etc as I do with my biological daughter.

[Stillhopeful4]

To answer the question regarding my ex and my daughter,  she generally painted my daughter with a black brush.
Even though she was only 8 - 9 now, she though that my daughter tried to manipulate me to doing things, she thought she was a bully to her other daughter also 8, she also thought my daughter was more important to me than she was.
All of the above are things that I contested apart from the importance part - ive always put my daughter first over my exwbpd and she hated that.

Robbland,

Good for you for sticking to your boundary and not allowing her to cut your time with your daughter from 3 nights to 1.  I have the utmost respect for you that this in non-negotiable!  You should never have to choose between your kids and your spouse.  I've been in your shoes with my uBPDw I chose my kids and because of it she moved out.  It's very sad, but if I have to choose (which I shouldn't have had to) I will choose my kids every time.

SH4

[once removed]

All of the above are things that I contested apart from the importance part - ive always put my daughter first over my exwbpd and she hated that.

whether you are trying to exit the relationship or mend it, big picture:

blending families is hard.

the outside parent wants, needs a say when it comes to parenting, when it comes to an active role in the family.

a person with bpd traits may try to assert that need in less than constructive ways. "you always put them first" might mean "i dont feel heard and you arent listening to what im trying to bring to this relationship".

it also might be taken at face value. if your partner feels shes in a competition with your daughter, thats how shes going to approach things.

if you are trying to exit the relationship, certainly your daughter comes first. this wouldnt be something that is negotiable, and specifically, nor should you try. you wouldnt want to try to build a relationship with her child, either.

but for whatever reason, the two of you are still in contact, and on again/off again.

so which way do you lean? whats the reason?

[Robbland]

I agree blended families are hard, and its certainly been the hardest thing ive done for a while!

I love her a lot, but we have cycled so many times over the last 4 years I cant and dont want to keep going like this.

We are currently in nomansland as she gave me the ultimatum around my daughter, i drew a line in the sand, and yet she still likes my company when I dont have my daughter.

Ideally i would like to extract myself from the relationship and move on and forget her, but ive been trying to do that unsuccessfully over the last few years many times.

I'm crazy about her, but am able to recognise we dont work in a relationship - whilst i have always made compromises she never is able or willing to do so, and she isnt able to accept that when we are in a relationship, I still have individuality. I still want to see friends, play sports etc.. in the past conditions of our relationship have meant less / no time for friends or recreation - its also always had an effect on my daughter which i can no longer be complicit in.

So as hard as it is I know its not going anywhere, but i have always been unable to say no to her, and hence feel permanently like a puppet on her strings...

[once removed]

Ideally i would like to extract myself from the relationship and move on and forget her, but ive been trying to do that unsuccessfully over the last few years many times.

its something that one has to commit to emotionally, and then live it in actions, consistently.

in other words, if you want to extract yourself, you have to let go of hope. you have to move from a position of "on again/off again/sort of on" to "actively exiting the relationship".

but ive been trying to do that unsuccessfully over the last few years many times.

what was unsuccessful about your approach those times?

[Robbland]

what was unsuccessful about your approach those times?

Ive "broken free" a few times, and usually the process goes, im fine for a bit - i move forwards, she then gets back in touch, i respond, she asks me to do something arbitrary, which like a sucker i do, and then things slowly warm up.
Historically also (although I dont feel this way currently) she has overtly gone out, seen new people, had flings etc.. which I have struggled to deal with, and then I try to re-ignite things.

It feels very co-dependant at times.

I often feel sorry for her and the struggles she faces in life -ie very little money, very little family support, 2 young children and no "dads" - I see these things and just feel like i should help her out, and naturally because I still have feelings for her, I also end up trying to help where I dont "need" to.

When she blocks me from messaging, im great, i move on, im happy, but when she unblocks me, I struggle to not respond or reciprocate.

[once removed]

bottom line, you havent reached that point of resolve to let go.

it isnt really about distance or blocking. those are measures that can help a person detach in the short term.

think of an alcoholic. the drink may be taken away from him for a time. he gets along okay. put it in front of him, and he dives in. yet, another alcoholic may socialize in a group setting where drinking is going on, and abstain.

the problem isnt the drink. its the relationship to the drink.

to change this dynamic, you would need to let go of hope, and commit to a new path.

you wouldnt necessarily need to cut all contact. you need to change the nature of it. you need to change how you respond to it. you need to transition away from "an ex who is trying to help a former romantic partner" or "an ex who is on again off again" to "an ex".

some exes get along and may transition to just friends, with friend boundaries. some exes go their separate ways.

you can decide which of those youd prefer later. for now, the important thing, is changing the nature of the relationship.

[Amethyste]

So she wants you to be there for her baby but she wants you to spend less time with your own daughter. That's so wrong.
You should put boundaries because these requests are not ok.
Please keep us updated. Hope things get better.