Is it me or him?

[4Life]

Feeling so confused after our fight earlier.

Am I the problem after all- or is he?

Respect to him means i don’t question him...or do it in the most non threatening way that I can nevvvvvver seem to ever figure out how to do. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like it’s him not being able to stand disagreement from his wife who is supposed to be “submissive.” Example; I told him I wanted to express my feelings about him saying he didn’t want me to go for a walk with our 3 and 1 yr old in our neighborhood without him since he wouldn’t be home tonight. He actually had me promise him I wouldn’t. I waited until the kids weren’t around and asked permission to tell him how I felt! He said he didn’t want me criticizing him. I promised not to. I said I fet frustrated And disappointed that I could not walk in our neighborhood that we just moved to, that I feel is nice, and safe, and pointed out  he would also not let me walk alone in our previous residences, and that I felt concerned this would be a future concern of his wherever we move to next- no matter how nice it is. This is a minor issue in our marriage relatively speaking. It bothered me and I want to stop enabling what I perceive to be his overprotective (controlling) behaviors). So I tried to respectfully share my feelings. It blew up and I was accused of being disrespectful. I asked him calmly how. He said I was questioning him, and invalidating him bc I was stating our neighborhood is nice and safe, when it’s not (in his opinion). Therefore I was questioning his judgment on this matter. Yes I suppose I was. Is that worth having an hour long argument that devolved and escalated, or is my husband narcissistic and borderline?

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[Witz_End]

Ouch.  It sounds like you are in a very rough situation.  I'm sorry to hear that!

You mention "submissive" and certainly there seems to be a Dominant/submissive tone to the relationship, which does not mean that everything he is doing is okay, nor does it excuse abuse.  But, for understanding context, it does beg the question whether that is an intended arrangement or lifestyle you agreed to...?

From what you said here, it sounds like you approached things with care.  You chose a time the kids were not around, you asked if you could discuss your feelings, you used I statements that do not sound accusatory ("I said I fet frustrated And disappointed that I could not walk in our neighborhood that we just moved to, that I feel is nice, and safe...")...

It sounds like you did a very good job of approaching it with care and communicating your feelings in a non-accusatory way.

I think there is a difference between questioning judgment in an invalidating way and having a different opinion.  Is it just because you have a different opinion if the neighborhood's safety that he feels invalidated?  Or is there something specific he said left him feeling that way?

[4Life]

Hi, I’m trying to post my response and am still learning how to use this website- and I just saw that you wrote a response to my post, sorry for the delay.

Thank you for helping me clarify that you can question a persons judgment in an invalidating way and also in a non- invalidating way...the problem I believe is my husbands perception, and his need for constant validation, and his attempts  to coerce that from me through the concept of submission. I’m learning that BPD means you do not trust others to give their love freely, you fear the loss of love constantly, and your efforts to secure love cause you to act in controlling ways.

To answer you, yes I have agreed upon the Biblical idea of submission but I don’t believe my husband understands or applies it correctly, bc the Bible also talks about MUTUAL submission, and loving your wife as your own body. When he snaps on me, he’s not doing those things but feels justified (maybe?) in his reaction bc I’m the one who’s in the wrong (he thinks).

What’s weird is we don’t disagree on major  things like...religion or how to raise our kids.. He tends to pull the “submission card” on very minor things, such as, if I question why he needs to wash our kids hands right at that moment( bc I can’t see a reason for it and I’m genuinely puzzled and I also am fearful of them becoming OCD or anxious about dirt and germs.). He can become irate with me for questioning him IN FRONT  of the kids too (major trigger for him).

After reading your post I realized it’s not about me invalidating him- ITS ABOUT ME DISAGREEING WITH HIM. I’ve often told him this but I guess it’s yet to sink in. I now realize this more clearly, bc you’re right, I didn’t try to negate his opinion and did not have a critical tone or anything. I was simply expressing my opinion and feelings- and there are many times I’ve done this and he claims this is disrespectful- and it’s not! It’s some twisted perverted idea of submission, right?. I think RESPECT is the wrong word to use and he needs to start using a more accurate word. I think he need to own his own feelings of invalidation , and stop projecting that onto me- as if I am the cause of those feelings when it’s his INTERPRETATION of what I’m saying that’s the problem.
Many advice on not letting all this crap rub off on my kids? I’m overwhelmed and fearful
Thanks