Witnessing domestic violence

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I am having a bit of a flashback after watching a news story about domestic violence.  I remember my parents punching, kicking and scratching each other.  I also remember either me or my sister or both of us being dragged by our hair.

I remember my mother and the pink hairbrush.  I remember screaming in fear.
  I remember my mother locking herself in the bathroom and yelling that she was going to slit her wrists.  I remember her saying that having kids ruined her life.  

For those of you who witnessed domestic violence, I would love some advice on how to cope with the memories.

[Zabava]

Hi all,

I am having a bit of a flashback after watching a news story about domestic violence.  I remember my parents punching, kicking and scratching each other.  I also remember either me or my sister or both of us being dragged by our hair.

I remember my mother and the pink hairbrush.  I remember screaming in fear.
  I remember my mother locking herself in the bathroom and yelling that she was going to slit her wrists.  I remember her saying that having kids ruined her life.  

For those of you who witnessed domestic violence, I would love some advice on how to cope with the memories.

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava,

Those are some difficult memories that are resurfacing indeed.

When you've been traumatized, in part because of witnessing and/or being subjected to domestic violence, I think it's important to be very mindful of your own triggers. Healing takes time and we often say on hear to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling, sit with your feelings and let yourself go through them (or let the feelings go through you).

Having said that, I think it's also important to pace yourself. Considering your past, it makes sense that news story about domestic violence could trigger these kinds of memories in you. This gives you and opportunity to process what happened to you, and also gives you information about the kinds of things and events that are triggering to you. At the same time, it's also important to manage your triggers and be aware of things that might trigger you so you can take preventive actions.

It is very disturbing, confusing and sometimes quite frankly terrifying when a BPD family-member exhibits suicidal behaviors. I remember quite well my own sister barging into the living room heading straight to the kitchen while proclaiming that this time she would really slit her wrists. This particular memory is like a little movie in my mind, I still vivivdly remember when it happened because also back then, it seemed like I was watching a movie played out in front of me. I remember my eyes wide open and me following her with my eyes as she entered the living room and rushed into the kitchen. I was a very young child at the time, maybe 6. I was aware of what was going on and the meaning of what she said she was going to do. It wasn't the first time she expressed something like this, unfortunately also wasn't the last time.

Practicing mindfulness and meditation, is also something that can help us calm our minds and recenter ourselves as we try to process these kinds of difficult memories.

How did it make you feel having these memories after seeing the news story? Was this the first time memories of these particular events taking place came back to you?

The Board Parrot

[Turkish]

My kids witnessed their mom punch her husband. She nailed him hard. Sad to say he told me months later that he didn't want to marry a woman like mommy because she punched him and he didn't call the cops. 

Witnessing such things are damaging to kids.

[TelHill]

Zabava,

I've witnessed a lot of very disturbing, violent behavior from my pwBPD.  I agree with Kwamina to pace yourself. I have been on a news diet for five years. Watching can be upsetting and it doesn't help anyone, except for TV network revenues, that I'm viewing it.

Meditation, listening to happy music, watching funny movies, etc., helps me quite a bit.

[LFCNZ]

Hmm, interesting, I wonder how much we remember as kids, I def remember the night my dad left, mum went crazy, started trying to punch him, mum ended up with a black eye but that was dad inadvertently hitting her trying to protect himself.

Thats the only violence I sort of remember between my mum and dad, do have a memory of my step father dragging my mum by her hair down the hallway, ahh happy family memories

[TelHill]

I remember every rotten detail from when it happened! Lucky me  I had EMDR therapy which helped ratchet down the PTSD.

It's not happening now to you as an adult. That's the good part.

[Zabava]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  Kwamina,, I have been realizing lately that I am stilll very early in the recovery process and I need to be careful of triggers.  It feels like weakness and I think I'm a special snowflake, but maybe this is my mum talking.

[Kwamina]

It feels like weakness and I think I'm a special snowflake, but maybe this is my mum talking.

Maybe it indeed is the internalized negative voice of your mother talking here.

Why do you think it feels like weakness to you? Did your mother perhaps often made you feel weak and/or frowned upon any signs of what she perceived as weakness?

[Zabava]

Kwamina,

Yes, she definitely valued stoicism, although she herself was not stoic at all.  Being too emotional was definitely perceived as weakness.

[Longterm]

Hi Zabava

I have been busy the past few days so have only just seen this but wanted to offer some support.

I too have reactions like these when watching news or reading about abusive situations. I understand the thought processes that can occur and the distress they bring. I tend to avoid reading triggering things or watching news that I know will have negative consequences for me.

My T told me that when I am triggered to just STOP and recognise what is happening right in that instance and to ask myself "what do I need right now?". The answer is usually to lower my anxiety and centre myself. I achieve this by taking a lie down, doing breathing exercises and meditation.
I am finding that I am becoming better at relaxing by doing this.

LT.

[Turkish]

Kwamina,

Yes, she definitely valued stoicism, although she herself was not stoic at all.  Being too emotional was definitely perceived as weakness.

She may have been comforted by this... yet it wasn't your job to comfort (manage) her emotions, implicitly or explicitly.

My stoicism attracted me to my ex, but it also troubled her when I didn't rise to fight or argue always. That was invalidating, like I didn't care or was a bad communicator.