Part 2: How to break up

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339756.0;all

I think I need to end it to protect myself. I’m really struggling with making the decision to ask him to leave. He has nowhere to go and may have to live in of his car. I just don’t know how I’ll find the words. I mean he could remain living with me because I’m still concerned about his wellbeing but I’m really concerned about exposing myself to his mental illness. He says that he doesn’t want to work on the relationship anymore and given his current limitations then that makes sense. But what if he changes his mind? I don’t want to have to keep dealing with that as I’ll be grieving for a period of time. I think I’ve been grieving for a while already. Anyway, I’m talking to my counsellor tomorrow. She specialises in complex trauma and will help me understand my pwBPD and what’s best for me and work through things

[boogs152]

Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339756.0;all

I think I need to end it to protect myself. I’m really struggling with making the decision to ask him to leave. He has nowhere to go and may have to live in of his car. I just don’t know how I’ll find the words. I mean he could remain living with me because I’m still concerned about his wellbeing but I’m really concerned about exposing myself to his mental illness. He says that he doesn’t want to work on the relationship anymore and given his current limitations then that makes sense. But what if he changes his mind? I don’t want to have to keep dealing with that as I’ll be grieving for a period of time. I think I’ve been grieving for a while already. Anyway, I’m talking to my counsellor tomorrow. She specialises in complex trauma and will help me understand my pwBPD and what’s best for me and work through things

[formflier]

I get the vibe that you are considering any decision to stay or leave "permanent".

Please ask your counselor if it would  be wiser to let hospital staff know that you will be taking time for your own mental and physical health.  Let them know you aren't sure about the long term of the relationship but you will not be able to function as a caretaker for xx months. 

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Thanks FF. That’s a balanced perspective. I’m trying to find a middle ground where I can take care of myself.

I’ve got to get some space either way. Yesterday he was adamant that he didn’t want to be with me and that he felt the relationship had faded away between us but he’s calling me “babe” again today. Go figure. Sound familiar to anyone?

It’s time for me to take control.

[formflier]

It’s time for me to take control.

I agree.

Hmmm...or is it time to "let go of control"?

Or perhaps both?

What in your world should you consider trying to have less control over and what in your life should you try to have more control over?

Switching gears.

What kind of timelines are you working with on the hospitalization issue?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Could you give me an example of how to let go of control? I’d like to take back some control with boundaries. My partner is awaiting hospital admission in four days from now.

Feels weird to even call him my partner. I don’t know what we are.

[formflier]

I would be happy to give some examples.

I also think it is more important that you understand and "see" areas that you are controlling that perhaps you should "let go of" and also areas you need to "get more in touch with".

Here is my example:  (real one from my past)  My wife used to think that I was quite a ladies man and had all kinds of women all over the place (oh the stories I could tell...but that would take up too much space)

I used to spend tons of time and energy "proving" her wrong and "proving" that I was faithful.  On the surface it seemed like I was being "helpful" and "loving" and "being a good husband".  If you dig down a bit you would find out that I didn't like the way my wife "thought" (about me) and I was expending all kinds of energy trying to "control" how she thinks.
 
Oh...and while all these attempts at control were going on, our relationship got massively worse.  Massively worse.

Then, once I decided to focus on me and what I think about myself and put all that energy into me.  Our relationship improved.

her:  "Blah blah blah you have a love child with that woman."

me:  "Oh my, I'm listening.  Do you need my reassurance?"

her:  "blah blah you must admit it"

me:  "This sounds troubling.  I've said all I will say about that issue.  Would you like me to get you a glass of water"  (important to stay calm)

her:  "blah blah you xyz...abc"

me:  "I'll be getting us some water.  Will be back in 5 minutes."

Leave.  Come back in 5 min with water.  The important thing is to keep handing the conversation back.

Hopefully this makes sense.  I'm up a bit late...

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Thanks Formflier. I know exactly what you mean. Good points made and got me thinking too. Thanks so much for your help.


Anyone have some suggestions or info that I can access on convincing my partner to go to the clinic ? He keeps chopping and changing his mind. I need him to be in the clinic so I can have “the talk”

The breakup talk.

[formflier]

You need to be ok with him going or not going to the clinic.  Live your life based on your decisions, not those of other people.

You can still ask him to go.  Perhaps you leaving may motivate him.  Perhaps not.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

I agree but I’m scared of conflict.

[formflier]

I agree but I’m scared of conflict.

Yep..conflict sucks.  Bigtime.

How has that been working out for your so far?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Conflict? How has conflict been working out for me? Well I’m a conformist. I was raised by a man who was in the army. You can imagine what that does to a child...and then the aftermath of trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered identity as a young woman.

I was ripe for the picking for a BPD relationship unfortunately. I had no idea what I was walking into when I met my BPD partner.

Anyway I need to just find the words and make it all happen. Get the ball rolling as they say. This is going to be one of the hardest things that I’ll ever have to do in my life so far
. It’s not about the separation for me. Ive fully accepted it for what it is but the thought of him having no where to go after this other than a clinic or his car is what I’m wrestling with.

Maybe it won’t be a bad as I imagine.

[Harri]

So you are looking for a script of sorts?  What do you want to say to him?

I have been thinking about your situation after reading he is backing off on going to the hospital.    Can you tell him he needs to go to get stabilized and that, given your last conversation with him about your relationship, that you think it would be best for him to stay with a friend after he gets out?  I am just thinking of him getting out and then having to go back to your place to get his things.  Arranging a place to store his things may help and may help him grasp just how serious you are.  You are not abandoning him.  he will get help in the hospital and you will talk more with him when he is in-patient and when he gets out you have helped him with a place, even if he does have to go to the shelter for 3 days.

I don't know, just thinking out loud with you boogs. 

[boogs152]

I see what you’re saying Harri. Since you’re advice, I’ve started suggesting  in conversation my concerns and that the clinic will help stabilise him. Seems to get his attention but only momentarily I suspect. He’s not good at all. His physical appearance has changed. Slightly hunched and weak looking. He appears preoccupied with his own thoughts.

Anyway I’ll leave this thread for a few days and get back to you when I make more progress. At this stage, all I feel like all I’m doing is going round in circles.Speaking out loud and repeating muddled thoughts.

Big Thanks to everyone for the helpful advice.

[formflier]

I too have been thinking deeply about some of your recent posts.

Can you write out here what you want to say to him (or the things you want him to do).  We can help you formulate that into a one or two paragraph conversation.

Here is the thing.  There is really no way to "nuance", "nibble" or "slightly adjust" what you are doing now to get your desired effect.

It's not like your broad answer is yes and you are debating how to say it.

It appears to me you are saying "yes together" (and your actions say that as well) and you're trying to find a "nice" way to say "NO".

He wants to "turn right" and you want to "turn left". 

Am I right that your biggest desire is for him to be in the clinic?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Yes my first priority is to get him into a clinic and then when the time right have the talk.

I’m imagining it going something like this...

C, I’ve realised that I’m not ready to be in a relationship at this time. I need to focus on myself as I’ve developed my own mental health issues that require attention. You cannot return home with me in the future as I believe that letting you stay at home will only impair your ability to focus on your own well-being. I believe you deserve the best of care... and more time at the clinic will help stabilise you making you stronger in due course... etc

[formflier]

So...what if he doesn't go to a clinic?

Why not "flip it a bit"?

"I won't consider further relationship until you attend and comply with the clinic.  Towards the end of your clinic time, I'll be open to come talk with you and your mental health team about our status going forward."

Can you say this or something like this to him?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Yes I could say that. Makes sense because I’m holding out for the clinic scenario and he may not choose to go.

Hes in a session with his clinical psychologist as we speak. I did send her a private message prior to the appointment expressing my concerns. I told her that I was concerned for his well being as he has been severely dysregulated for a lengthy period of time and that I was trying to convince him to attend his hospital admission tomorrow. I didn’t mention anything to do with a break up.

[boogs152]

You know what... I may not even need to mention the break up word in all of this. He may see that he’s not capable of being in a relationship once I talk to him at more length at the right time?

[formflier]

Don't conflate and combine issues.

Who knows.  After he does his hospital stay you may think differently about your relationship.  You may not.

Why even worry about that when the hospital stay hasn't happened.

What is critical is that you give him a choice.  He can stay out of the hospital and choose to stay out of your life...(you are not offering no hospital and continued relationship)

Go to hospital and talk about the future at the appropriate time.

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Okay. I understand. That’s why I need to get advice here. My heads all over the place and I need somone to help me keep perspective and slow down.

Thanks

[formflier]

There is a massive difference in deciding to NOT be with someone compared to deciding to respect someone's choice to live outside your boundaries.

You are letting him know the pathway "back inside" your boundaries.  It will be sad if he does not walk that path, but it won't be your choice.

He may try to convince you that "you are doing this to him", but think about it for a minute.  You don't control what he does...he controls that.

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

It’s necessary that he face a decision now. Make a choice.

 He just came out of his session with his psychologist and she said that if he didnt wish to go into clinical care then that’s his choice. They agreed on this together so he’s not going now.
I’ve been inTears. I’m in a corner now and will ask him to leave.

Just awful

[formflier]

I’m in a corner now and will ask him to leave.
 

Type out here how you are going to ask/say it.

Remember it's your choice whether or not to live with someone that is NOT addressing their issues which are having an impact on you.

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Ive addressed it with him already. Saying that I don’t want to ask him to leave but it’s getting to that point. He just starred blankly back at me. He’s been warned. I know myself well enough now that it’s only a matter of time until I ask him to leave I think.

We did agree to break up today. He has increased his therapy to weekly sessions starting next week.

[formflier]

Ive addressed it with him already. Saying that I don’t want to ask him to leave but it’s getting to that point. He just starred blankly back at me. He’s been warned. I know myself well enough now that it’s only a matter of time until I ask him to leave I think.

We did agree to break up today. He has increased his therapy to weekly sessions starting next week.

What did you actually say to him.

What does that mean "I don't want to ask you to leave...but..."

Do you see that you sent him two messages.  Which one do you think he "heard"?

Since you are broken up, is he moving out?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

No he’s not moving out since we broke up. I have to ask him to leave. I’m trying to ask him to leave.

[formflier]

No he’s not moving out since we broke up. I have to ask him to leave. I’m trying to ask him to leave.

What does "trying" look or sound like?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Weak.

[formflier]

Please share the actual words you are using.  From there we can help you find different ones.

Best,

FF

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit.  The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340025.msg13080717#msg13080717

Thank you.