Need to Stay Strong

[BeachTeach]

I am a smart woman, and yet I find myself getting sucked back in by this man.  I spent 18 months with him, cycle after cycle of love bombing followed by devaluation the moment I did anything that triggered his fear of rejection...like not texting during my first weeks back at school when I didn't even have 5-minutes to use the bathroom during the day.

The attacks are intense and unrelenting.  I finally said no, no freaking more, and we've been apart for 7 weeks.  I keep trying no contact, and then I slip and get sucked back in.  This last round, when I said no, we're not getting back together until you get treatment for your BPD and drug use, has escalated to the point he's now sending me pictures of some other woman, saying, "Are we actually through?  Because if so, I'm making a date for Friday night."

I see the manipulation.  I see the mental disorder.  I see it so clearly and don't want the drama and the noise and stress.  And yet, here I am hesitating on closing the door completely because...oh hell, I don't know. 

I have done so much work on myself, and to see myself sucked back in to his stuff again and again is frustrating.  I just watch it happening, thinking what the hell are you doing? 

Thanks for any strategies that have worked for you in the past.  I was good until he started sending me pictures of this woman.  What I want to ask him is how she's going to feel about his drug use and sexual dysfunction, but I keep trying to stay out of the ugliness. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tsunami Sailor]

In my experience, intense relationships like the peaks of those with BPDs, are hardest to completely turn away from. I think now is the time for you to simply focus on yourself and let him carry on along the path he chooses.  It's not for you to worry about. For me, it worked best to take things slowly - not expect me to be over it quickly, and to know I'm probably not ready to give 100% to someone else for awhile, maybe a long while.  It's a joy when you realize that you don't NEED to be in a relationship, especially when the person on the other end isn't contributing their share.  I've spent more time with friends or family, exploring places by myself, immersing in hobbies or interests, setting goals for myself like devoting time to painting or playing guitar, or a house project.  When I've come out the other end with something I've done that I'm really proud of, it really underscores the importance of ME to me. 

[Ozzie101]

Hi BeachTeach and welcome!

Your story is not unfamiliar around here. Actually, if you read some other threads, you'll find that there are other members struggling in much the same way.

Tsunami is right in that self-care is very important.  Are you now or have you seen a therapist? That can be helpful in working through these issues. It's also good to spend time with your support system and doing other things you enjoy (hobbies?). The stronger you are and the clearer your head, the better you're able to make wise, healthy choices.

In this case, you see the manipulation for what it is: manipulation and desperate lashing out to fight the fear of abandonment. I think you're wise not to respond the way you want. That would just be feeding into the cycle and keep it going. Relationships involving BPD can be extra-heightened and complicated, making it more difficult to step away or to deal with the aftermath.

What do you think would happen if you just didn't reply at all?

[BeachTeach]

In my experience, intense relationships like the peaks of those with BPDs, are hardest to completely turn away from. I think now is the time for you to simply focus on yourself and let him carry on along the path he chooses.  It's not for you to worry about.

Thanks, Tsunami.  Yes, it was that overwhelming intensity, that feeling that someone liked me exactly the way I was, that hooked me along with being an empath.  I see the disorder and his suffering in it, and I keep thinking that if he'd just get into treatment, things could shift.

I've come to this place, though, where I've decided that none of it was actually real, that I feel in love with an illusion, not an actual person.  That's helping a bit.

Your suggestion to get focused on me and my life is a good one.  I felt like I was losing my life over to him and his needs...time to refocus here. 

[BeachTeach]

Tsunami is right in that self-care is very important.  Are you now or have you seen a therapist? That can be helpful in working through these issues...

What do you think would happen if you just didn't reply at all?

Hi Ozzie,

Yes, I've been in therapy in the past for anxiety, so I know the gift of a great therapist.  My own experiences have been part of my frustration with the ex-BPD-bf; I keep thinking, if only you'd get into treatment and dig in, your life could be so different!  It's hard to watch.  But yes, I've been thinking about getting back into therapy to figure out how I got sucked into staying in this relationship for so long and dealing with any lingering issues.  My mother was a narcissist, so I suppose this isn't that unusual an experience.

I haven't replied, and he's going through his ideation-devaluation cycle all by himself, back and forth.  That's been helpful actually, to see that he doesn't really need any input from me to have the same responses he's had when I've engaged.

[Ozzie101]

It sounds like you're really gaining some clarity here. That's good!

You'll find that many of us here have some sort of family of origin-PD dysfunction (with me, I think my sister may be BPD) that sort of contributes to our struggles.

As for him, you can't force him into therapy. There are many, many posts here with members wondering how to get a loved one to accept therapy and get help. Sometimes the loved one goes. Sometimes not. Even if they go, there's no guarantee that it will "click."

Working on yourself is key, as is figuring out what you want -- in life and in this relationship (or if you want out of the relationship). That gives you goals to work toward.

What do you want?

[BeachTeach]

What do you want?

That's a good question.  I love this man as I truly see the good and the origins of his issues.  When things are good, there's nothing at all in the world like it.  I've learned to truly love and accept myself, to be free, and to set and hold boundaries because of my relationship with him.

The bad times...the bad times are so deeply disruptive.  I don't take his attacks on anymore as I see the pattern, and I can almost script them.  But the noise and disruption of it...it's exhausting.  I'm not willing to lie and pretend that whatever he sees as evidence that I'm selfish or don't love him is reasonable or true.  If it were up to him, I'd wear a tracker and report in all day long, and I'm not willing to do that.

So I guess this is the truth, I am unwilling to be in relationship with him until/unless he gets into therapy and learns some skills to do some of the heavy lifting.  He *does* identify with the descriptors of BPD which I know is unusual, and in his lucid moments, he can articulate that when it hits, he cannot control himself.  He sees it happening, knows the outcome, and cannot stop himself. 

I would eventually like to remarry (no hurry), and I can't imagine this being my inescapable day-to-day. 

How's that for clarity?  :D

[once removed]

a lot of us stay for unhealthy reasons, and healthy reasons. sometimes both.

I was good until he started sending me pictures of this woman.  What I want to ask him is how she's going to feel about his drug use and sexual dysfunction, but I keep trying to stay out of the ugliness. 

you stay because you are getting something out of this relationship. some of it is likely good...if it werent "too good to leave, too bad to stay", you wouldnt stick around.

im going to suggest that a lot of it has to do with feeling of self worth.

I keep thinking, if only you'd get into treatment and dig in, your life could be so different!

there is an investment of self worth in the idea of seeing him improve his lot in life. its a deep investment, an emotional one.

I was good until he started sending me pictures of this woman.

likewise, this plays upon your feelings of self worth. the idea of him getting it together with another woman is a threatening one.

I've decided that none of it was actually real, that I feel in love with an illusion, not an actual person. 

it was real. it was all real. you were there. he was there.

but at the heart of it may be an unhealthy attachment.

at the heart of whether you want to improve the relationship and get it on a healthier trajectory, or whether you want to get off the roller coaster and detach is a matter of coming to terms with this, and shifting directions.

[BeachTeach]

In the last 24 hours, with no input from me he has:

*insinuated he was going to commit suicide
*had an "epiphany" that he'd valued me too much, and I was actually wrong for him because I wasn't willing to give him what he needed
*totally devalued me
*totally discarded me
*expressed sadness because I was "the one" and "it was the best I've ever had"
*wished me luck on something he remembered I was doing tonight and put me right back up on the pedestal

His birthday is tomorrow, and he has no one--no friends, no family, no girlfriend.  Watching him rapid-cycle from rage to contempt to love to despair over and over again.  I'm exhausted.