So I'm doing pretty crp today. Partly because nobody understands.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Mod note: This is a continuation of the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339392.0

So I'm doing pretty cr*p today. I knew it was her birthday yesterday and my mind wandered to all sorts of silly scenarios about her being happy, probably with someone else, and I've started feeling angry and bitter. For the first time in probably a couple of months I've wanted to cry.

Partly because nobody understands. People in my life expect me to be over it and to be a happy joyful person but all their lack of understanding does is make me feel like a fraud for still being unable to deal with the negative emotions.

I just want people to PLEASE READing understand.

[Plucky1980]

Mod note: This is a continuation of the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339392.0

So I'm doing pretty cr*p today. I knew it was her birthday yesterday and my mind wandered to all sorts of silly scenarios about her being happy, probably with someone else, and I've started feeling angry and bitter. For the first time in probably a couple of months I've wanted to cry.

Partly because nobody understands. People in my life expect me to be over it and to be a happy joyful person but all their lack of understanding does is make me feel like a fraud for still being unable to deal with the negative emotions.

I just want people to PLEASE READing understand.

[pest947]

Sorry to hear, we all understand on this board and I think most of us have our days still. It's the splitting white and remembering all the good and how well treated and happy we were in the idealization phase(at least for me)I've gotten better about setting myself on track when I over romanticize her and the relationship. Who wants to live under the constant pressure of not knowing what trivial thing is going to set her off and split again. There's a whole lot more bad to remember and if/when they meet someone else, they are not going to magically get better and the same pattern will repeat itself...guaranteed!

Was there a trigger for your off day? How are you feeling today?

[Plucky1980]

Sorry to hear, we all understand on this board and I think most of us have our days still. It's the splitting white and remembering all the good and how well treated and happy we were in the idealization phase(at least for me)I've gotten better about setting myself on track when I over romanticize her and the relationship. Who wants to live under the constant pressure of not knowing what trivial thing is going to set her off and split again. There's a whole lot more bad to remember and if/when they meet someone else, they are not going to magically get better and the same pattern will repeat itself...guaranteed!

Was there a trigger for your off day? How are you feeling today?

Better than I did, thanks.

I don't know what triggered it. Probably that it was her birthday and my brain decided it would be a great idea to try and flood my mind with memories.

I have trouble getting my mind to think and reinforce the bad things that happened, it seems to gravitate towards positivity. There were positive moments obviously but these are vastly inferior in number to the negative ones.

I seem to lack the mental strength to change my way of thinking. It's depressing and demoralising.

[once removed]

I have trouble getting my mind to think and reinforce the bad things that happened

have you tried writing them down? pen to paper?

i had all of the worst elements in my mind, as well as the bad, vividly.

friends and family encouraged me to actually write them down. i didnt bother for a while, because its not like i had lost sight of them or forgot about them.

finally i said the hell with it and tried it. something happened when i did, and i really turned a corner. my mind caught up with my heart, a bit. it turned into sort of a letter to myself, and i think that really helped it sink in.

pen to paper can have that effect. you can share it with us here too, but, id encourage you to try the exercise first.

[Plucky1980]

have you tried writing them down? pen to paper?

i had all of the worst elements in my mind, as well as the bad, vividly.

friends and family encouraged me to actually write them down. i didnt bother for a while, because its not like i had lost sight of them or forgot about them.

finally i said the hell with it and tried it. something happened when i did, and i really turned a corner. my mind caught up with my heart, a bit. it turned into sort of a letter to myself, and i think that really helped it sink in.

pen to paper can have that effect. you can share it with us here too, but, id encourage you to try the exercise first.

No I've not tried it. I will do it though. Nothing to lose. Thanks.

[pest947]

Ive done it. I havent read the list in a while but it works every time. When writing mine it was scary how quickly I could remember so many of the bad things when I tried.

[Stillhopeful4]

Plucky,

I've just read back to the beginning of your story.  I just wanted to write to you and tell you it sounds exactly like me and my uBPDw.  So many things are exactly the same it's scary.  I'm so sorry that you are struggling still.  But it's a process that can take awhile.  I've been in my relationship for 10 years+ and she's left me too many times to count, most recently the end of this summer.  I always beg her to come back.  We are still talking this time, but I'm on the fence.  I feel like I've made great progress in the past 6 weeks.  She's noticed it and many friends and co-workers have too.  Of course I get the "look how great you are doing without me" crap/guilt trip from her.  Yet, she needed to get out so badly because I was so horrible to her...yet here we are 6 weeks later and she's still a pile of mush and claims to be a complete mess.  So many similarities, job issues, money issues, friend issues, sex issues.  I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

((Hugs)

SH4

[Plucky1980]

Plucky,

I've just read back to the beginning of your story.  I just wanted to write to you and tell you it sounds exactly like me and my uBPDw.  So many things are exactly the same it's scary.  I'm so sorry that you are struggling still.  But it's a process that can take awhile.  I've been in my relationship for 10 years+ and she's left me too many times to count, most recently the end of this summer.  I always beg her to come back.  We are still talking this time, but I'm on the fence.  I feel like I've made great progress in the past 6 weeks.  She's noticed it and many friends and co-workers have too.  Of course I get the "look how great you are doing without me" crap/guilt trip from her.  Yet, she needed to get out so badly because I was so horrible to her...yet here we are 6 weeks later and she's still a pile of mush and claims to be a complete mess.  So many similarities, job issues, money issues, friend issues, sex issues.  I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

((Hugs)

SH4

Thank you. It's strangely comforting to know that. But at the same time, it's really unacceptable that we have all been through this torture in it's various forms.

I mostly suffer in silence in my personal life as nobody really understands my mindset and frustration creeps into their responses to me if I bring it up, and their tone is one of exasperation. But I can't help it, I do not want to feel like I do.

So this site and you folks on here are a lifeline. To have people that understand and relate to these experiences is a God send.

[once removed]

I mostly suffer in silence in my personal life as nobody really understands my mindset and frustration creeps into their responses to me if I bring it up, and their tone is one of exasperation. But I can't help it, I do not want to feel like I do.

people are often uncomfortable with the suffering of others when they cant fix it.

people ran out of things to say with me too.

my advice would be to enjoy their company. when you are with them, take it as an opportunity to step out of your suffering and into something else. dig into whats going on in their lives. dig into the things that make your relationships with them enriching.

the more youre able to do this, the more detached you will be. simultaneously, i think youll find more support when you need it most.

[BrokenSpokane]

Partly because nobody understands. People in my life expect me to be over it and to be a happy joyful person but all their lack of understanding does is make me feel like a fraud for still being unable to deal with the negative emotions.

If it makes you feel better, I do understand.  It hasn't been as long for me as you since NC, but I romanticize our past relationship when it was great, before her full BPD was visible.  She made me feel so special, so unique and overwhelmingly loved.  Then, it's push-pull, love/hate, black/white and I'm left feeling to blame for everything wrong.  But, the euphoria I felt before all of that happened was pretty amazing.  So, I know the feeling.  Just keep doing what you're doing, don't look back, keep looking forward.  Those are the things I have to try and remind myself.  It's very hard though. 

It's been recommended by someone else, but I highly recommend writing and writing LOTS.  I've examined every aspect of the relationship.  From how she makes me feel, to the sex (why I stayed), the caring person she was.  I write, write, write.  It's therapeutic, for it helps me get to the core feelings of how I felt and why I stayed.  I wish you the best and keep talking.

[Cromwell]

Trying to get people to understand the complexity of a relationship is a difficult task in itself, add in BPD and lets face it - it is hard enough to understand for most people having gone through it wtf just happened, let alone expect the skill to be there from anyone else to make sense of it.

Plucky, there have been times though where literally it has helped just to sit at a table with friends with a pint in front of me and listen to the conversation, all the whilst, having all these unresolved emotional thoughts and not discussing them. I felt value and an improvement in simply having company. Asides from this, this support group I got compassion which originates in people having gone through more similar scenarios.

So many people have helped me through this, yet in each case it is individuals with their own unique therapeutic input, abilities and limitations. Probably my missing link in recovery could have been seeking out a therapist specialised in BPD, that would have made sense. A layperson with all the wish in the world to help out, can help even if it amounts to a shoulder to cry upon - beyond this though, it amounts to asking too much of what simply cant be given.

tones of frustration and exasperation - they might feel disempowered at being unable to help despite their best initial attempts?

[Plucky1980]

I'm in a strange place at the moment and have been for a few weeks now. It's almost like I want her to contact me, to show that she at least had some sort of feelings towards me, so I can know that she's suffering in some way too. I wouldn't want her back in a relationship, but I have this strange desire to know that I actually mattered at some point, at least. My heart says that I did at one point, but my head says that I didn't, and I was used and discarded when I'd served my purpose.

Someone (Coldknight) on here spoke of 'burning the whole thing to the ground' metaphorically, I can relate to this as I did it too, in a way. I blocked her on social media and all of her family because I knew in the aftermath of the relationship that if she had contacted me, I knew I'd go back to her. I had to make sure that didn't happen.

As I said, I'm in a strange place.

[Pytagoras]

Partly because nobody understands. People in my life expect me to be over it and to be a happy joyful person but all their lack of understanding does is make me feel like a fraud for still being unable to deal with the negative emotions.

I can understand perfectly. Friends and family are sick of earing me speak of her.

have you tried writing them down? pen to paper?

I'm in a phase of my recovery that it seems like all the bad moments are fadding. And the good moments are more vivid. With her, my life was always filled. Now, i'm feeling alone and my surroundings seems so quiet...

I tried to wrote it down, and my memory improved. I wrote a lot of awful things, but still, seems not enough. And most of it i already forgot. I should had written a diary.

But writing helps a bit, yes. At least to me.

I'm in a strange place at the moment and have been for a few weeks now. It's almost like I want her to contact me, to show that she at least had some sort of feelings towards me, so I can know that she's suffering in some way too.

I feel the same. And i am always wishful thinking about that. I also wish that her next (actual) r/s fails miserably so she can think of me in a better view. I know, it's stupid, but i cannot help it when my mind has this toughts.

[Plucky1980]

I can understand perfectly. Friends and family are sick of earing me speak of her.

I'm in a phase of my recovery that it seems like all the bad moments are fadding. And the good moments are more vivid. With her, my life was always filled. Now, i'm feeling alone and my surroundings seems so quiet...

I tried to wrote it down, and my memory improved. I wrote a lot of awful things, but still, seems not enough. And most of it i already forgot. I should had written a diary.

But writing helps a bit, yes. At least to me.

I feel the same. And i am always wishful thinking about that. I also wish that her next (actual) r/s fails miserably so she can think of me in a better view. I know, it's stupid, but i cannot help it when my mind has this toughts.

I agree, I hope her next relationship fails too. I hope that she gets a taste of her own medicine to be honest with you. That she understands, even in a small way, how painful it was for me.

I realise that way of thinking is bitter, and petty. But it's how I feel. I don't agree with the notion or concept that everyone has an inate right to be happy. People who (consciously or not) continuously cause pain, anxiety and suffering for others whilst simultaneously absolving themselves of any responsibility do not deserve happiness.