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Author Topic: What I struggle with the most  (Read 416 times)
BrokenSpokane
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 64


non-BPD was with BPD and healing


« on: October 09, 2019, 01:24:08 PM »

I struggle with the most is imagining her with another man.  I try and bargain with the past and romanticize future conversations with her so that I can amend the relationship and be with my exBPD again.  She joined POF a week after we broke up trolling for sex and it really, really hurts (a friend alerted me to her profile).  It cheapens in my mind the 4+ years we were together. 

 Paragraph header (click to insert in post) sexual language ahead.  Sorry, being honest. Trying to keep it clean and anonymous.

I did a sexual inventory yesterday and the biggest thing I have a problem with right now is imagining her with another man. I know her and she can't go a week without having sex.  We had an amazing sex life. We would explore avenues and methods that we both haven't explored before.  We got to a point where we had amazing sensual, connecting, bonding, loving intercourse together that was so amazing because we were both in love. The connection we felt before, during and after was really unique and special. Yet, we also explored the adventurous side of sex so that it was experimental, primal and just plain fun.  So, we had an amazing sex life.  To know that she's out there seeking sexual pleasure from others is insulting, demeaning and extremely hurtful to me.  This is fueling my depression, but this is the one thing I struggle with the most.

I have to let it go.  My therapist explains to me that what she is doing isn't normal.  When I do more research about people with BPD, this is what they do.  They fill the emptiness that's inside them with drugs, alcohol, excessive spending and/or promiscuous and risky sexual behavior.  This is who she is.  She's told me many times that she has had so many sexual partners that she has lost count (on top of that, she'd always say I was the best out of all of them).  Now, she's back at it again and it hurts.  I have to stop focusing on that, but again, it hurts.  I know I keep repeating that, but it does.

I know in my heart that we can't be together and this is for the best.  I need to focus on myself and my kids and not worry about what she's doing.  But, I have to admit my friend showed me her profile when he was logged in.  To see her profile up there looking for casual hook ups breaks my heart. I mean, she made the profile a week after we broke up. She also describes things that she really isn't. I need to stop, for I'm torturing myself.  Or, maybe it will help me see the person she really is.

That is what I struggle with the most.  I need to stop focusing on her and start focusing on myself, my kids, my happiness.  But, right now, it's hard for I'm bargaining and bouncing in and out of depression.
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2019, 03:34:33 PM »

Hi BrokenSpokane,


I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. I can relate with your post, I recall how much it stung knowing that my wife was sleeping with another man. A portion of it, I think, was that she wanted me to know to hurt me because she wants me to feel the same hurt that she feels.

Another portion is survival, a pwBPD can not sustain a healthy r/s because the closeness triggers them and they also fear being alone. It’s conundrum you cannot be someone and cannot be without someone. I don’t want to generalize because BPD is a disorder that is on a spectrum and there are varying degrees of it.

For example a pwBPD may avoid romantic r/s’s entirely because  they know of the chaos that they cause in a r/s.

On the side it hurt a lot that she was sleeping with another man and I couldn’t stand that she was doing that but on the other side she is also an adult and has the freedom to make her own choices. For me if my partner cheats on me that’s a deal breaker because I don’t think that I will have the same level of trust again. What do you have in a r/s if you cannot trust the other person?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
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« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2019, 10:16:25 PM »

But, now that I'm removed and have been seeing a wonderful woman without BPD, I know that wonderful sex isn't something that was exclusive to my exBPD.

how is it going?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
BrokenSpokane
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 64


non-BPD was with BPD and healing


« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2019, 08:59:11 AM »

how is it going?
It's going much better. I see the beginning of a wonderful New relationship, BPD free. She's independent, caring, empathetic, intelligent, forthright, not clingy (doesn't freak out if we don't text), not over the top affectionate. It feels genuine. You know, looking back, my exBPD was over the top with compliments, sensitivity. I think that's what roped me in. This woman is just being genuine and doesn't have an agenda. We're just enjoying each other and letting this develop naturally. It feels natural. And the sex is amazing, even better, for there's more feeling, emotion involved.

On one hand I wish I never met my exBPD, but in the other, I would have never met the woman I'm with now if it wasn't for her. Timing.
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Forgiveness
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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2019, 09:27:39 AM »

This is wonderful. I'm so happy for you!  For those of us who are more recently broken up, it's really nice to see success stories. Thank you for sharing.

It's going much better. I see the beginning of a wonderful New relationship, BPD free.
...
On one hand I wish I never met my exBPD, but in the other, I would have never met the woman I'm with now if it wasn't for her. Timing.
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« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2019, 02:37:35 PM »

I see the beginning of a wonderful New relationship, BPD free. She's independent, caring, empathetic, intelligent, forthright, not clingy (doesn't freak out if we don't text), not over the top affectionate
...
And the sex is amazing, even better, for there's more feeling, emotion involved.
...
Timing.

Excerpt
I was sharing this with my therapist yesterday, for it really hurts me to know she's doing that. It cheapens the long term relationship we had and makes me feel like she never cared at all about me, she just used me
...
Then my therapist pointed out frankly, "yes, she's looking for sex. That's what she does. It's not normal because she's not a normal person".

My therapist then asked me, "what are YOU doing?" Meaning, I need to focus on me and what I need to heal.

think about this, BrokenSpokane. before you say "its different", think about it hard.

in every relationship i was in, i never fully grieved. dont get me wrong; good amounts of time went by, and i would let time dull the pain. but i never really came to terms, and i still carried it. and i would carry my baggage over into the next relationship.

it always felt wonderful at the time. the difficulties with whatever ex i had werent there. it felt like this person understood me, and got me. it felt so much better in every way. exciting.

this is why people enter into rebound relationships. they expedite the grieving process. they soothe the pain. they make us feel at our best again.

these things fuel the relationship while its blossoming. its also why they typically end around three months, with even more heartache.

you are very recently divorced from a four year relationship. less than two months ago, you were suicidal. you are still struggling.

Excerpt
I need to stop focusing on her and start focusing on myself, my kids, my happiness.  But, right now, it's hard for I'm bargaining and bouncing in and out of depression.

as hard as these relationships are to experience and recover from, divorce recovery (from any relationship) is even harder. it takes a lot of work and investment. so too, do new, budding relationships.

doing both (successfully) is a herculean task.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
BrokenSpokane
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 64


non-BPD was with BPD and healing


« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2019, 05:08:05 PM »

think about this, BrokenSpokane. before you say "its different", think about it hard.

in every relationship i was in, i never fully grieved. dont get me wrong; good amounts of time went by, and i would let time dull the pain. but i never really came to terms, and i still carried it. and i would carry my baggage over into the next relationship.

it always felt wonderful at the time. the difficulties with whatever ex i had werent there. it felt like this person understood me, and got me. it felt so much better in every way. exciting.

this is why people enter into rebound relationships. they expedite the grieving process. they soothe the pain. they make us feel at our best again.

these things fuel the relationship while its blossoming. its also why they typically end around three months, with even more heartache.

you are very recently divorced from a four year relationship. less than two months ago, you were suicidal. you are still struggling.

as hard as these relationships are to experience and recover from, divorce recovery (from any relationship) is even harder. it takes a lot of work and investment. so too, do new, budding relationships.

doing both (successfully) is a herculean task.

I hear you and I appreciate the feedback. I can't argue with anything you said. I am healing, I'm doing what I need to be doing as far as repairing the damage done. I'm still going to therapy, I'm writing and my new friend knows the entire situation. I'm an open book. We're enjoying each other's company and seeing where it goes. We're not in a hurry.

I guess what I can say in my defense is my exBPD kept me closed off from friends, family (well, I allowed myself to be closed off) and I'm a people person. I've gone around to these people and made amends for my actions. She knows me so well and would guilt me into staying home or blame me for not doing something together (IE: she wouldn't go canoeing with me, for she accused me off not knowing how to steer, even though I do and would go with the kids, then she'd say I don't know how to get out, this tipping us, then it was I don't take directions). So, I'm just out there, coming out of my shell, being me again.

I will continue to keep working on the damage done and continue to go to therapy.

Thanks for the feedback.
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jinglebells1989
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Posts: 119


« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2019, 11:14:28 PM »

I can really relate to this.

For me I still work with the BPD I dated. Only dated her for 4 months and I broke up with her, so I was able to walk away with my dignity at least.

She got her pound of flesh in though after the breakup by immediately cozying up to these two loser guys in our office. For months I had to endure them eating lunch together, texting each other, going out to lunch (leaving in the same car together). Now I’ll say this, I KNOW the sex we had was good. It wasn’t just BPD mirroring either. She came hard and often. BUT she, like most of them, had a very promiscuous past and she basically threw it at me on a silver platter - so I couldn’t help but wonder if she banged these two guys. I’m almost positive she did one of them. This real nerdy younger kid who was so innocent, polite and hardworking, suddenly starts gettin cocky, showing up late for work, not doing his job well, taking TWO hour lunch breaks so he could take more time talking to her and she ate lunch after him.

Well long story short he got fired for messing up on the job so bad. And I sh-*t you not, 3 days after he got fired he shows back up to our office to take her out to lunch. My jaw dropped when I saw that.

So yeah man I feel you. At least you don’t have to see your ex everyday for 10 hours a day. She stalked me pretty hardcore for the first 5-6 months after we broke up in addition to waving other guys in my face in a daily basis. While it’s been very painful, I’ve stood my ground. I treat her like a ghost at work. She doesn’t exist to me. Very painful but it must be done. Management is aware of her bs too. I finally had to bring them into it and they told her to cut the crap but they didn’t fire her. So for the time being I just have to weather the storm. I’m not leaving my job. It’s an excellent job and I won’t quit because of her. She’ll get bored and leave soon I hope. Once all her supply sources dry up.
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