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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I reached out to my ex, I was blocked immediately  (Read 288 times)
clvrnn
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« on: October 10, 2019, 02:42:05 AM »

Previously had written that I would be taking a break, but I realise that writing is very helpful, so here I am.

Went back to uni, ex was coming in acting withdrawn. She'd done that before, so I thought there would be a chance of reconciliation. I then thought I'd been blocked but that was some sort of mistake. I then built up the courage to send a "hey, how are you?" message. It was then that she DID block me.

It hurt. All these months I had been hoping for a different outcome, or that she might feel some sort of remorse or that we could at least be civil with each other. This was my worst fear - that she'd just never speak to me again. But this is where I am, now.

I have spent so long wondering and analysing everything, but this now feels like a very clear answer. Well, to be honest it doesn't - I've been blocked for saying "hey, how are you?" and that's it. I don't and will never know why she stopped speaking to me after saying we could "start fresh", and we will just never speak to each other again/she dislikes me/hates me.

My friend has told me I need to start working on acceptance, which is true. I know that. I just can't believe that this is where things are at, but it seems common with these people - they just disappear and never offer any final words or resolutions.

This is only the second week of uni. I have no idea how I am going to get through the remaining however many months that are left. If I am honest, I just want to disappear and never go back.
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ColdKnight
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« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2019, 05:44:47 AM »

Hey there Clv.

Sorry this happened. It’s always very stressful when you reach out. You never know what is going to happen. I knew that the last text I sent her could very well be my last chance to get everything off my chest. Not saying that is what you should have done but for me it’s the only thing that has kept me from reaching out to her.

How did you contact her? Text? Did she just not respond or did she tell you she was blocking you? How do you know she blocked you?

Did you do it during class? Right after?
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clvrnn
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« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2019, 05:52:23 AM »

How did you contact her? Text? Did she just not respond or did she tell you she was blocking you? How do you know she blocked you?

Did you do it during class? Right after?

Hey CK.

I messaged her through WhatsApp. I know I was blocked, because... well, I have two phones, and I have her number saved on both of them. She only has the number of one of these.

After I'd sent this message, she was only appearing online on the phone I hadn't messaged her from. She just didn't respond, and was no longer appearing online on the number I'd used to message her from.

I did it in the evening, at around half six. We finished uni at 3pm. We didn't have a class the next day. I evaluated everything, there wasn't really a 'best' time to contact her, it felt like something that I just had to do/not do.

The previous time I thought she'd blocked me and she hadn't, she was appearing online on both phones. This time she was only on one phone. I'm sure this method of checking whether I'd been blocked or not seems strange, but hey. I've since deleted her from both phones.

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clvrnn
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« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2019, 07:06:15 AM »

I have found out, about ten minutes ago, that she's been added to another class that I am in. Previously she was only in two of my classes, and I'd worked out how to sit/position myself so that she wasn't too visible/distracting for me. This new class now, the room is tiny, and I can't see any way to get through those three hours without feeling discomfort. I feel like this is a nightmare, or something.

I did, after finding out I'd been blocked, send this email the next evening:

Excerpt
The explosive, painful, messy and very sudden way you broke things off after how close we’d been left me very hurt, confused and uncertain for quite a while.

I did often wonder what went wrong and why you escalated things to the point that you did on that day, but I grew to understand that these were questions that you’d never provide the answers to.

I am sure you have your reasons for this silence; however, those reasons are not clear to me.

Seeing you at uni after all this time was strange, and a bit awkward. To try and ease this, I reached out to you. I had hoped that after a good amount of space, with time to calm down from what was a very stressful situation, we would possibly be able to be in each other’s lives in some capacity – after all, we were very close and got on very well.

It’s clear after reaching out to you to merely see how you were and maybe try to be friends, and subsequently being blocked(!), that any type of reconciliation isn’t possible with you, and that’s fine. There is nothing else I’m willing to do in this situation. I will not be contacting you again.

Good luck with everything x

I'm sure there are members here who don't think that was a good idea, but for me, it was. The way I've written things there is very clear and final, and making a reference to "that day" was intentional - she will know what I mean. I wanted to say a lot more, but I am aware that ex partners don't really care, probably even less so when they have BPD.

I wanted to this, as ColdKnight mentioned above, so that I can't reach out again. The "I won't be contacting you again" is there to prevent me from doing that very thing. I'm sure the email made no difference to her feelings for me, or made them more negative, but I don't care. This is the first and only time I've told her how I have felt. I suppose it was a bit of a pointless thing to do, but at the time I very much wanted to send it and after a lot of thought, I just sent it.

In my head now, I have so many questions. Any interaction with her, any action she performs - they're never clear. I am always left confused. Why did she stop speaking to me? Why did she block me? Why does she dislike me so much? How can she feel comfortable ignoring and avoiding someone who is in such close proximity to her, making it awkward for not only her and I, but other classmates? Doesn't she feel guilt? Shame? Remorse? Is she even aware that I exist? The questions are never ending. And now I know not one of those questions will ever be answered. I have never quite experienced anything as painful and confusing as this.

And now she's been added to ANOTHER class, so that's ANOTHER room I have to sit in and feel like absolute rubbish for three hours. Fun.

I didn't go in to uni today, because it's very possible she will be on a high from my contacting her and will be acting overtly outgoing with everyone in the class, which is a habit I've noticed of hers. I recognise that in time she will probably form new friendships, and that's life. I don't feel that I will, as the way being at uni affects my mood makes it hard for me to interact with other people, and I am not enjoying it there, any more. I feel as if she has 'won', now. I can't see the part where she is suffering, in any of this.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2019, 07:13:56 AM by clvrnn » Logged
Yoke
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« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2019, 02:06:33 PM »

@clvrnn. I admire you for writing her that and send it to her. Great job.! No one can say it was wrong thing to do, because for YOURSELF it felt right thing to do and it was important for you to feel a bit better. And that is all that matters. I know the pain and how you feel. I did the same to my ex, i sent her a long letter of all i felt for her , all that happend and the tragic end. I really tried to make some reaction from her. Hoping she would understand me. It was my desicion to do that, a part of me needed that to "calm my soul" in some way. So you did the right thing @clvrnn!

Excerpt

my head now, I have so many questions. Any interaction with her, any action she performs - they're never clear. I am always left confused. Why did she stop speaking to me? Why did she block me? Why does she dislike me so much? How can she feel comfortable ignoring and avoiding someone who is in such close proximity to her, making it awkward for not only her and I, but other classmates? Doesn't she feel guilt? Shame? Remorse? Is she even aware that I exist? The questions are never ending. And now I know not one of those questions will ever be answered. I have never quite experienced anything as painful and confusing as this. "

I have also been stuggling with these questions before and still do. But i dont think i will never get an answer. I belive they feel guilt, shame, remorse..And she is aware of that u exist! All of it.  But! They have a disorder that is full of pain, fear and fear of abandonment that have so much more power inside them, that if they should admitt those things it is a proof of they are bad people, so to avoid those feelings and to be aware of how they treated you they treats you like u were nothing to them and avoid you.. so they are not forced to se the damage they have done. So they move on like you two never existed.. it hurts like hell, every day.. the loss, the memories you had together. I still have hope that my ex will regret, and come back to me. But I try now to foccus on myself , easier said than done @clvrnn.. i know! But both you and I are worth true love. True love is not about being accused, push-pulled, ghosted, devaluated..right? Am sure she loves you, but not in the way you want. Please, try fight for living, okay? Regards  Yoke


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clvrnn
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« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2019, 04:23:51 PM »

@Yoke,

I'd like to think she's just full of shame, can't face something/someone she hurt/ruined... but maybe she just dislikes me. Blocking me is so extreme. Petty. Clearly she can't stand me. Analysing and wondering what she thinks and feels has been part of my life for two years, I don't know how else to think when it comes to her. Even now, analysing, thinking.

That email... I think it looks quite composed, not emotional, not 'crazy'. I would have liked to say a lot more. It probably still made me look 'crazy' in her eyes, but what do I have to lose at this stage? Nothing.

I don't think she loves me in any way, to be honest. Or maybe she does. I don't know. BPD has destroyed my brain over the past two years, honestly. All I know is that this latest action is so cruel and painful. And there I was, thinking we'd at least be friends. Me, trying to be friends with someone who humiliated me in front of her family and never apologised. Wow.

I am dreading every single day of uni, now. I just have to keep going in. I can't not go. No choice, here. What a horrible situation. And all because she couldn't control her reactions and emotions.
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Yoke
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« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2019, 04:34:40 AM »

@clvrnn. I am sorry you have been through this for two years now. Have u tired theraphy? I am in therapy and it helps me. Not only to deal with the pain of the relationship, but also things that brought up with the breakup. The breakup triggerd much pain from my past. Its not only her that made me feel like that. I realize it now. Because why do we stay in an abusive relationship? I try figure it out now.

Its harder for you to forget and heal from her if you see  her, like everyday. How can u move on then? I dont understand how you deal with it because it would killed me... you are strong.


Excerpt
That email... I think it looks quite composed, not emotional, not 'crazy'. I would have liked to say a lot more. It probably still made me look 'crazy' in her eyes, but what do I have to lose at this stage? Nothing. " You did what felt right to you and that all that matters Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) clvrnn!
"
All I know is that this latest action is so cruel and painful. And there I was, thinking we'd at least be friends. Me, trying to be friends with someone who humiliated me in front of her family and never apologised. Wow." .. i wanted this as much as you! Just to be friends with her, but then i ask myself. Do i just want to be friend with her? The woman i love so much? The woman that accused me, threw hateful textmessages to me? Hated me? Broke up with me 15 times? Threw the engagementring away? Built up hope of a future with her just to crush them? No... i cant do that to myself anymore. She broke me down into pieces.. I do still love her, and will always do. But i need to heal. Want to live again.. because right now, am just a shell..

am dreading every single day of uni, now. I just have to keep going in. I can't not go. No choice, here. What a horrible situation. And all because she couldn't control her reactions and emotions."

Yes, it is so damn hard @clvrnn! I know and i feel your pain. So tell me, what do you miss most of your relationship? Of her?  Take care! Yoke
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clvrnn
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« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2019, 02:47:34 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)Yoke - Yeah, I have tried therapy. Here in the UK it is very expensive, and I wasn't able to find anyone suitable. I don't really want to discuss the relationship anymore in regards to what I miss about her - that is counterproductive. More focused on trying to move forward and learn how to cope with seeing her at uni.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Does anyone have any suggestions on how best to cope in a situation like this? As far as I can see, there aren't many options, other than leaving altogether, which I can't do.
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clvrnn
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« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2019, 01:46:56 PM »

Every morning I wake up and remember where I am at in this situation. It's so surreal, to be honest. I have to really try and train my mind not to ask "why" she's blocked me, but the truth is I am desperate to know. I do realise that knowing why wouldn't make things any easier, though. I haven't been into uni for a week - mainly because I've actually been ill, but also partly because my mood has been up and down, and the last thing I want is anyone to see me looking even slightly upset.

I keep trying to join Instagram, but she pops up everywhere because she's a musician and she's started engaging with my best friend's friend from school, which means I keep seeing her. There was a video of her I saw today at a gig, dancing and looking happy. I honestly just felt sick. Of course she's entitled to live, but I just feel like do I not even cross your mind? You have time and energy to be happy, yet I feel like crap, and all you really had to do was say "hello" or "sorry".

Honestly, I feel like I'm going through the break up every day. No, she's not actively doing anything to me, but seeing her and trying to balance this difficult academic work and see her is harder and weirder than I thought it would be.
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babyducks
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« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2019, 04:08:23 PM »

I have to really try and train my mind not to ask "why" she's blocked me, but the truth is I am desperate to know.

why do you think you are desperate to know clvrnn?
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clvrnn
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« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2019, 04:13:44 PM »

why do you think you are desperate to know clvrnn?

I don't know. Maybe I'm not desperate to know, because I'd imagine if she came out and said "well, it's because you did/said this" - how do I know it wouldn't be some other imagined misdeed, similar to the ones she's issued on me in the past? Then I'd forever feel as if I wanted to defend myself, or forever wronged in that way, and not this one.

To me blocking just feels like something you do when someone's really done something extreme to you - cheated on you, hurt you, insulted you, etc. I can't, anywhere along the timeline, see anything to cause this intense dislike of me.

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babyducks
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« Reply #11 on: October 15, 2019, 04:48:31 PM »

I can't, anywhere along the timeline, see anything to cause this intense dislike of me.

is that what is bothering you?    the intense dislike?
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« Reply #12 on: October 15, 2019, 04:58:48 PM »

Does anyone have any suggestions on how best to cope in a situation like this? As far as I can see, there aren't many options, other than leaving altogether, which I can't do.

time to buy new glasses and get a new view on things clvrnn.

as you know I see my EX all the time.     for a while it was like 3 times a week.    lately it's slowed to once a week.   

and you know what?    it honestly doesn't bother me.     I do still notice if she is around,   what she is wearing... if she looks "good" or healthy or not.  but it doesn't upset me,   and it doesn't linger.     I don't dwell on it.

but other than that... I go and do my thing and she does her thing and occasionally we sail right by each other.    occasionally we manage a stiff nod in each others direction.

In the beginning it was hard.    it made me sick to my stomach to see her.   I was terribly afraid of her.     little bitty thing that she is.   

now I really honestly don't care if she is in the same place as I am or not.    I don't change my plans or my activities based on what she is doing or not doing.

I'll get right to it.     It's self confidence, self esteem, self validation and trauma healing work.      for me.     that's nothing she can help with, nothing she has earned to right to be privy too.

what do you think?
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clvrnn
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« Reply #13 on: October 15, 2019, 05:08:29 PM »

is that what is bothering you?    the intense dislike?


I think so, yes. I mean, I haven't really 'done' anything to her. Of all the outcomes, I didn't expect her to block me. To me, it doesn't make much sense. And it hurts. I put my own pride to the side, reaching out to a person that hurt me - and they just don't care. I was genuinely expecting her to have felt remorse over everything, but no. Nothing.

Excerpt
time to buy new glasses and get a new view on things clvrnn.

Same. It makes me feel sick to see my ex, too. The other day she got into a conversation with some guy in front of me, and I just felt jealous, angry, sad - why is she able to talk to him, some stranger, but not me?! The overriding feeling I have is just that I didn't do anything in the first place to have her end things with me, but BPD, I know.

I get what you're saying about the self-confidence etc. It's only two weeks in, so perhaps things will settle down. I might get used to seeing her and not care by the end of it. I see where you are coming from, yes. I am trying hard to throw myself into the readings at uni, for example - trying my best to talk to other people, and keep my feelings/mood calm when she's around, etc. T
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« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2019, 05:19:44 PM »

I always think one of the reasons these relationships are so very attractive to us is the intense over the top idealization in the early days...…   I felt invincible when I was first with my Ex.   Like I was the greatest thing in the world.     I felt like someone truly and totally loved me.   For the first and only time.   

and when she said hurtful things about me, and when she did hurtful things I was way way way too willing to accept that at face value too.

I was defining my self esteem and self worth through her.    and she was chaotic.    and it was traumatic.

here is something it took me a long time to learn.    the amount of pain I have to something, the amount of pain I have to anything.... is equally proportional to the amount of resistance I have to that thing.

make sense?

the more you stiffen up when they come at you with that needle the more the needle hurts.

she did a lot of hurtful things.   she said a lot of hurtful things.    they are not true you know.     at this point,.... it's time to turn your attention to healing and taking good care of clvrnn.    not paying attention to her or ruminating about they whys and the hows and the what ifs.
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