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Author Topic: I reached out to my ex, I was blocked immediately  (Read 1558 times)
clvrnn
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« on: October 10, 2019, 02:42:05 AM »

Previously had written that I would be taking a break, but I realise that writing is very helpful, so here I am.

Went back to uni, ex was coming in acting withdrawn. She'd done that before, so I thought there would be a chance of reconciliation. I then thought I'd been blocked but that was some sort of mistake. I then built up the courage to send a "hey, how are you?" message. It was then that she DID block me.

It hurt. All these months I had been hoping for a different outcome, or that she might feel some sort of remorse or that we could at least be civil with each other. This was my worst fear - that she'd just never speak to me again. But this is where I am, now.

I have spent so long wondering and analysing everything, but this now feels like a very clear answer. Well, to be honest it doesn't - I've been blocked for saying "hey, how are you?" and that's it. I don't and will never know why she stopped speaking to me after saying we could "start fresh", and we will just never speak to each other again/she dislikes me/hates me.

My friend has told me I need to start working on acceptance, which is true. I know that. I just can't believe that this is where things are at, but it seems common with these people - they just disappear and never offer any final words or resolutions.

This is only the second week of uni. I have no idea how I am going to get through the remaining however many months that are left. If I am honest, I just want to disappear and never go back.
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« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2019, 05:44:47 AM »

Hey there Clv.

Sorry this happened. It’s always very stressful when you reach out. You never know what is going to happen. I knew that the last text I sent her could very well be my last chance to get everything off my chest. Not saying that is what you should have done but for me it’s the only thing that has kept me from reaching out to her.

How did you contact her? Text? Did she just not respond or did she tell you she was blocking you? How do you know she blocked you?

Did you do it during class? Right after?
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clvrnn
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« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2019, 05:52:23 AM »

How did you contact her? Text? Did she just not respond or did she tell you she was blocking you? How do you know she blocked you?

Did you do it during class? Right after?

Hey CK.

I messaged her through WhatsApp. I know I was blocked, because... well, I have two phones, and I have her number saved on both of them. She only has the number of one of these.

After I'd sent this message, she was only appearing online on the phone I hadn't messaged her from. She just didn't respond, and was no longer appearing online on the number I'd used to message her from.

I did it in the evening, at around half six. We finished uni at 3pm. We didn't have a class the next day. I evaluated everything, there wasn't really a 'best' time to contact her, it felt like something that I just had to do/not do.

The previous time I thought she'd blocked me and she hadn't, she was appearing online on both phones. This time she was only on one phone. I'm sure this method of checking whether I'd been blocked or not seems strange, but hey. I've since deleted her from both phones.

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clvrnn
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« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2019, 07:06:15 AM »

I have found out, about ten minutes ago, that she's been added to another class that I am in. Previously she was only in two of my classes, and I'd worked out how to sit/position myself so that she wasn't too visible/distracting for me. This new class now, the room is tiny, and I can't see any way to get through those three hours without feeling discomfort. I feel like this is a nightmare, or something.

I did, after finding out I'd been blocked, send this email the next evening:

Excerpt
The explosive, painful, messy and very sudden way you broke things off after how close we’d been left me very hurt, confused and uncertain for quite a while.

I did often wonder what went wrong and why you escalated things to the point that you did on that day, but I grew to understand that these were questions that you’d never provide the answers to.

I am sure you have your reasons for this silence; however, those reasons are not clear to me.

Seeing you at uni after all this time was strange, and a bit awkward. To try and ease this, I reached out to you. I had hoped that after a good amount of space, with time to calm down from what was a very stressful situation, we would possibly be able to be in each other’s lives in some capacity – after all, we were very close and got on very well.

It’s clear after reaching out to you to merely see how you were and maybe try to be friends, and subsequently being blocked(!), that any type of reconciliation isn’t possible with you, and that’s fine. There is nothing else I’m willing to do in this situation. I will not be contacting you again.

Good luck with everything x

I'm sure there are members here who don't think that was a good idea, but for me, it was. The way I've written things there is very clear and final, and making a reference to "that day" was intentional - she will know what I mean. I wanted to say a lot more, but I am aware that ex partners don't really care, probably even less so when they have BPD.

I wanted to this, as ColdKnight mentioned above, so that I can't reach out again. The "I won't be contacting you again" is there to prevent me from doing that very thing. I'm sure the email made no difference to her feelings for me, or made them more negative, but I don't care. This is the first and only time I've told her how I have felt. I suppose it was a bit of a pointless thing to do, but at the time I very much wanted to send it and after a lot of thought, I just sent it.

In my head now, I have so many questions. Any interaction with her, any action she performs - they're never clear. I am always left confused. Why did she stop speaking to me? Why did she block me? Why does she dislike me so much? How can she feel comfortable ignoring and avoiding someone who is in such close proximity to her, making it awkward for not only her and I, but other classmates? Doesn't she feel guilt? Shame? Remorse? Is she even aware that I exist? The questions are never ending. And now I know not one of those questions will ever be answered. I have never quite experienced anything as painful and confusing as this.

And now she's been added to ANOTHER class, so that's ANOTHER room I have to sit in and feel like absolute rubbish for three hours. Fun.

I didn't go in to uni today, because it's very possible she will be on a high from my contacting her and will be acting overtly outgoing with everyone in the class, which is a habit I've noticed of hers. I recognise that in time she will probably form new friendships, and that's life. I don't feel that I will, as the way being at uni affects my mood makes it hard for me to interact with other people, and I am not enjoying it there, any more. I feel as if she has 'won', now. I can't see the part where she is suffering, in any of this.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2019, 07:13:56 AM by clvrnn » Logged

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« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2019, 02:06:33 PM »

@clvrnn. I admire you for writing her that and send it to her. Great job.! No one can say it was wrong thing to do, because for YOURSELF it felt right thing to do and it was important for you to feel a bit better. And that is all that matters. I know the pain and how you feel. I did the same to my ex, i sent her a long letter of all i felt for her , all that happend and the tragic end. I really tried to make some reaction from her. Hoping she would understand me. It was my desicion to do that, a part of me needed that to "calm my soul" in some way. So you did the right thing @clvrnn!

Excerpt

my head now, I have so many questions. Any interaction with her, any action she performs - they're never clear. I am always left confused. Why did she stop speaking to me? Why did she block me? Why does she dislike me so much? How can she feel comfortable ignoring and avoiding someone who is in such close proximity to her, making it awkward for not only her and I, but other classmates? Doesn't she feel guilt? Shame? Remorse? Is she even aware that I exist? The questions are never ending. And now I know not one of those questions will ever be answered. I have never quite experienced anything as painful and confusing as this. "

I have also been stuggling with these questions before and still do. But i dont think i will never get an answer. I belive they feel guilt, shame, remorse..And she is aware of that u exist! All of it.  But! They have a disorder that is full of pain, fear and fear of abandonment that have so much more power inside them, that if they should admitt those things it is a proof of they are bad people, so to avoid those feelings and to be aware of how they treated you they treats you like u were nothing to them and avoid you.. so they are not forced to se the damage they have done. So they move on like you two never existed.. it hurts like hell, every day.. the loss, the memories you had together. I still have hope that my ex will regret, and come back to me. But I try now to foccus on myself , easier said than done @clvrnn.. i know! But both you and I are worth true love. True love is not about being accused, push-pulled, ghosted, devaluated..right? Am sure she loves you, but not in the way you want. Please, try fight for living, okay? Regards  Yoke


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clvrnn
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« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2019, 04:23:51 PM »

@Yoke,

I'd like to think she's just full of shame, can't face something/someone she hurt/ruined... but maybe she just dislikes me. Blocking me is so extreme. Petty. Clearly she can't stand me. Analysing and wondering what she thinks and feels has been part of my life for two years, I don't know how else to think when it comes to her. Even now, analysing, thinking.

That email... I think it looks quite composed, not emotional, not 'crazy'. I would have liked to say a lot more. It probably still made me look 'crazy' in her eyes, but what do I have to lose at this stage? Nothing.

I don't think she loves me in any way, to be honest. Or maybe she does. I don't know. BPD has destroyed my brain over the past two years, honestly. All I know is that this latest action is so cruel and painful. And there I was, thinking we'd at least be friends. Me, trying to be friends with someone who humiliated me in front of her family and never apologised. Wow.

I am dreading every single day of uni, now. I just have to keep going in. I can't not go. No choice, here. What a horrible situation. And all because she couldn't control her reactions and emotions.
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« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2019, 04:34:40 AM »

@clvrnn. I am sorry you have been through this for two years now. Have u tired theraphy? I am in therapy and it helps me. Not only to deal with the pain of the relationship, but also things that brought up with the breakup. The breakup triggerd much pain from my past. Its not only her that made me feel like that. I realize it now. Because why do we stay in an abusive relationship? I try figure it out now.

Its harder for you to forget and heal from her if you see  her, like everyday. How can u move on then? I dont understand how you deal with it because it would killed me... you are strong.


Excerpt
That email... I think it looks quite composed, not emotional, not 'crazy'. I would have liked to say a lot more. It probably still made me look 'crazy' in her eyes, but what do I have to lose at this stage? Nothing. " You did what felt right to you and that all that matters Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) clvrnn!
"
All I know is that this latest action is so cruel and painful. And there I was, thinking we'd at least be friends. Me, trying to be friends with someone who humiliated me in front of her family and never apologised. Wow." .. i wanted this as much as you! Just to be friends with her, but then i ask myself. Do i just want to be friend with her? The woman i love so much? The woman that accused me, threw hateful textmessages to me? Hated me? Broke up with me 15 times? Threw the engagementring away? Built up hope of a future with her just to crush them? No... i cant do that to myself anymore. She broke me down into pieces.. I do still love her, and will always do. But i need to heal. Want to live again.. because right now, am just a shell..

am dreading every single day of uni, now. I just have to keep going in. I can't not go. No choice, here. What a horrible situation. And all because she couldn't control her reactions and emotions."

Yes, it is so damn hard @clvrnn! I know and i feel your pain. So tell me, what do you miss most of your relationship? Of her?  Take care! Yoke
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clvrnn
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« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2019, 02:47:34 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)Yoke - Yeah, I have tried therapy. Here in the UK it is very expensive, and I wasn't able to find anyone suitable. I don't really want to discuss the relationship anymore in regards to what I miss about her - that is counterproductive. More focused on trying to move forward and learn how to cope with seeing her at uni.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Does anyone have any suggestions on how best to cope in a situation like this? As far as I can see, there aren't many options, other than leaving altogether, which I can't do.
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clvrnn
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« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2019, 01:46:56 PM »

Every morning I wake up and remember where I am at in this situation. It's so surreal, to be honest. I have to really try and train my mind not to ask "why" she's blocked me, but the truth is I am desperate to know. I do realise that knowing why wouldn't make things any easier, though. I haven't been into uni for a week - mainly because I've actually been ill, but also partly because my mood has been up and down, and the last thing I want is anyone to see me looking even slightly upset.

I keep trying to join Instagram, but she pops up everywhere because she's a musician and she's started engaging with my best friend's friend from school, which means I keep seeing her. There was a video of her I saw today at a gig, dancing and looking happy. I honestly just felt sick. Of course she's entitled to live, but I just feel like do I not even cross your mind? You have time and energy to be happy, yet I feel like crap, and all you really had to do was say "hello" or "sorry".

Honestly, I feel like I'm going through the break up every day. No, she's not actively doing anything to me, but seeing her and trying to balance this difficult academic work and see her is harder and weirder than I thought it would be.
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« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2019, 04:08:23 PM »

I have to really try and train my mind not to ask "why" she's blocked me, but the truth is I am desperate to know.

why do you think you are desperate to know clvrnn?
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clvrnn
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« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2019, 04:13:44 PM »

why do you think you are desperate to know clvrnn?

I don't know. Maybe I'm not desperate to know, because I'd imagine if she came out and said "well, it's because you did/said this" - how do I know it wouldn't be some other imagined misdeed, similar to the ones she's issued on me in the past? Then I'd forever feel as if I wanted to defend myself, or forever wronged in that way, and not this one.

To me blocking just feels like something you do when someone's really done something extreme to you - cheated on you, hurt you, insulted you, etc. I can't, anywhere along the timeline, see anything to cause this intense dislike of me.

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« Reply #11 on: October 15, 2019, 04:48:31 PM »

I can't, anywhere along the timeline, see anything to cause this intense dislike of me.

is that what is bothering you?    the intense dislike?
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« Reply #12 on: October 15, 2019, 04:58:48 PM »

Does anyone have any suggestions on how best to cope in a situation like this? As far as I can see, there aren't many options, other than leaving altogether, which I can't do.

time to buy new glasses and get a new view on things clvrnn.

as you know I see my EX all the time.     for a while it was like 3 times a week.    lately it's slowed to once a week.   

and you know what?    it honestly doesn't bother me.     I do still notice if she is around,   what she is wearing... if she looks "good" or healthy or not.  but it doesn't upset me,   and it doesn't linger.     I don't dwell on it.

but other than that... I go and do my thing and she does her thing and occasionally we sail right by each other.    occasionally we manage a stiff nod in each others direction.

In the beginning it was hard.    it made me sick to my stomach to see her.   I was terribly afraid of her.     little bitty thing that she is.   

now I really honestly don't care if she is in the same place as I am or not.    I don't change my plans or my activities based on what she is doing or not doing.

I'll get right to it.     It's self confidence, self esteem, self validation and trauma healing work.      for me.     that's nothing she can help with, nothing she has earned to right to be privy too.

what do you think?
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clvrnn
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« Reply #13 on: October 15, 2019, 05:08:29 PM »

is that what is bothering you?    the intense dislike?


I think so, yes. I mean, I haven't really 'done' anything to her. Of all the outcomes, I didn't expect her to block me. To me, it doesn't make much sense. And it hurts. I put my own pride to the side, reaching out to a person that hurt me - and they just don't care. I was genuinely expecting her to have felt remorse over everything, but no. Nothing.

Excerpt
time to buy new glasses and get a new view on things clvrnn.

Same. It makes me feel sick to see my ex, too. The other day she got into a conversation with some guy in front of me, and I just felt jealous, angry, sad - why is she able to talk to him, some stranger, but not me?! The overriding feeling I have is just that I didn't do anything in the first place to have her end things with me, but BPD, I know.

I get what you're saying about the self-confidence etc. It's only two weeks in, so perhaps things will settle down. I might get used to seeing her and not care by the end of it. I see where you are coming from, yes. I am trying hard to throw myself into the readings at uni, for example - trying my best to talk to other people, and keep my feelings/mood calm when she's around, etc. T
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« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2019, 05:19:44 PM »

I always think one of the reasons these relationships are so very attractive to us is the intense over the top idealization in the early days...…   I felt invincible when I was first with my Ex.   Like I was the greatest thing in the world.     I felt like someone truly and totally loved me.   For the first and only time.   

and when she said hurtful things about me, and when she did hurtful things I was way way way too willing to accept that at face value too.

I was defining my self esteem and self worth through her.    and she was chaotic.    and it was traumatic.

here is something it took me a long time to learn.    the amount of pain I have to something, the amount of pain I have to anything.... is equally proportional to the amount of resistance I have to that thing.

make sense?

the more you stiffen up when they come at you with that needle the more the needle hurts.

she did a lot of hurtful things.   she said a lot of hurtful things.    they are not true you know.     at this point,.... it's time to turn your attention to healing and taking good care of clvrnn.    not paying attention to her or ruminating about they whys and the hows and the what ifs.
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clvrnn
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« Reply #15 on: October 19, 2019, 08:07:29 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)ducks,

You say you were defining your self-esteem through your ex. I can relate to this. I have even felt ugly/boring depending on her treatment of me.

I kind of understand the analogy about the needle - I'm not sure if I do 100%, though...!  I realise it's time to try and turn the focus inwards, and I am thinking about ways I can get myself back. It's hard, though.

Perhaps I was expecting something that was never going to come, i.e her talking to me again once uni began. Why did I think that would happen, when she made it very clear things were over in February?

Why am I surprised that she blocked me? We have been 'over' for a long time, now. Maybe I haven't done anything; maybe it's just that she doesn't want to talk, as it's over and has been for a while. Maybe I am analysing something that doesn't need to be analysed.

Maybe she simply doesn't care about me at all.

The pain I feel when she comes in and makes every effort to avoid looking at me, it's like I am not there. And really, why should she look at/engage with me? It's over. Why would she suddenly message me and hang out with me again? It's over. Why would she apologise for any wrongdoing when she couldn't do such a thing during the time we were involved? Perhaps there's someone else in her life who she is thinking about - I am old news, she probably blocked me because she saw no reason for us to interact.

Any expression of pain or confusion to her is probably unimportant, irrelevant. She probably thinks I should have moved on, leave her alone. After all, she has - why haven't I?

This situation is truly something I have no idea how to work my way out of.
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« Reply #16 on: October 19, 2019, 08:42:20 AM »

I understand you wanting to know why your ex blocked you. At the end of most relationships that last any amount time there’s some sort of reason given. Not that both will agree on the reason but at least there’s some sort of factual basis to ending the relationship or in your case why she blocked you. You probably would be left more confused if she did tell you. Whatever the reason it’s real to her even if not based in actual events.

For about a year before my ex and I split and for several months after I felt like I was damaged goods. Like I was a bad person in some way. Every time I tried to add everything up and “figure” it out things didn’t equate to how she’d painted me. What I did understand is that she genuinely believed that I was what she felt about me. About a year and a half after we split (we have kids together) she shared some of her “reasoning”. I felt some urge to defend myself but by that time I knew enough to not engage. It takes time and effort to work on yourself but eventually that desire to know fades.

Btw...my ex blocked me on social media shortly after our split so I can understand what you’re feeling and going through. You can put as much energy into self-improvement but the one thing you can’t change is time. There were genuine issues that I had and I worked on those once I discovered what they were. Improving and working on those issues may have been due to hope in reconciliation at first but soon it was so I wouldn’t bring those issues into my next relationship. I was with my ex for a total of 16.5 years and it took about three years to be well enough to enter another relationship. I’ve been with another woman for about a year now and it’s awesome. No fighting, no blaming, no false accusations and no question as to what she’s doing when we’re not together. It does get better with time and so will you.
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“A rogue does not laugh in the same way that an honest man does; a hypocrite does not shed the tears of a man of good faith. All falsehood is a mask; and however well made the mask may be, with a little attention we may always succeed in distinguishing it from the true face.”
― Alexandre Dumas
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« Reply #17 on: October 19, 2019, 01:18:05 PM »



This situation is truly something I have no idea how to work my way out of.


Thanks for the reply clvrnn,  I appreciate it.

Can I ask?    If you had to describe what healing from the hurt of this relationship looks like,  what would you say?

If you had to define what healing is for you,   what would it be?

Healing is.........fill in the blank.

The name of this board is "detaching".    How do you understand detaching?    What helps you detach?
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« Reply #18 on: October 20, 2019, 06:45:31 PM »

'Detaching' I feel means not feeling like this any more. Feeling indifferent. Not feeling any more pain. Able to move on and think of my future, without these confusing questions going around in my mind. I don't want to be around her or to see her.

Today was really difficult. I began reading the book 'From Abandonment to Healing' and it was going well, but something in it triggered me to have a panic attack, and I started remembering my ex coming in and avoiding me, acting as if I don't exist. The things I am experiencing now seem very similar to what was going on back in March. I am trying to keep things under control.

I am desperate to reach out to her, I have mad thoughts of going to her house or messaging her family and asking why, why has this happened? Why does she hate me? I feel as if I'm losing my grip a bit.

I feel like there is something I've done or said that's caused the blocking - to me that's not an action that people perform over nothing. I have to keep reminding myself of the BPD, and it's overwhelming.

To top it off, her singing career is going well and that's just something that annoys me but also I'm sad I'm not a part of. Why does her life appear to be going so well? It adds to the frustration- she doesn't deserve all of this. It's unfair. I know it's not her fault or whatever, but it makes me feel annoyed that she's receiving all these 'blessings' and I know her to be such a difficult and hurtful person. All those new people she must be meeting, why would she need me? I have never experienced anything like this in my life.

I'm worried about my degree and failing it, my head is so tense and tight with stress and worry, I feel sick every day - how am I going to achieve the grades I need? This is the only chance I will get at this degree.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2019, 06:57:14 PM by clvrnn » Logged

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« Reply #19 on: October 21, 2019, 04:50:03 AM »

Able to move on and think of my future, without these confusing questions going around in my mind.

hi clvrnn,

as I was reading your post I was thinking of some of the topics that are pinned in the 'Lessons' topic on the top of this board.    this quote is from there:

Excerpt
Detaching can be difficult. Rationally, we understand that leaving is the healthiest thing we can do now, yet our emotional attachment is undeniable. This conflict confuses and intensifies our struggle and we may feel trapped by our desires to rekindle a relationship that you know it isn't healthy - and may, in fact, not even be available to you - and our own fears.

I'm assuming you believe that you have an unhealthy bond with your Ex, is that correct?   some kind of trauma bond?      it is, as the lessons say, important to be able to stand back and detach from the intense emotional connection of the unhealthy bond.     to be able to reach for our 'wisemind'  using mindfulness tactics.

There are several ways that mindfulness can help reduce the intensity, duration, and frequency of unhelpful habitual response patterns.
 
Loosening the grip of habitual responses that cause (additional) suffering.

Slowing the pace of thoughts/reactions.

Reducing the intensity of unhelpful habitual responses.

Increasing the spaciousness of present awareness.

Noticing, enjoying and cultivating positive experiences and emotions

Making connections that weren't there before. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

for me,   the tactic I use when my thoughts start to race is a pretty simple one.   rather than fixate on the negative thought, I look for all the right corners in the room I am in, and make my eyes go from corner to corner to corner, replacing the negative thought with a random eye pattern until the thought eases.    have you tried something like that?


I am desperate to reach out to her, I have mad thoughts of going to her house or messaging her family and asking why, why has this happened? Why does she hate me?

I am going to suggest this is not a good idea.     you've had a complex and complicated relationship with her that's left a wound.    going to the person who caused the wound and expecting her to fix it seems.... well... unlikely at best.   the healing for your wound is something you create,... a gift you give yourself.   these are difficult relationships.    closure is something we create for ourselves.   you can do this.     it is possible.

when my relationship ended I was engulfed with an absolute  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) storm of shame and blame.     It's your fault !    No.   It's your fault.    No It's your fault.   You were horrible.   No You were horrible.     it was an argument I was having only in my own head.    it was as the work shop says, a non-constructive reaction to events I experienced.   It was like we were locked in some horrible competition of who was to blame who was at fault.     

seems like you might be in some non-constructive reaction about "see me..... I exist"    you mention it a lot.     have you experienced being ignored before?    is this something you can reflect on ?   not react too?

this is getting long.     sorry.      one more thing though.   what can you do for self care?    what can you do to up the level of care you are giving to yourself?    are you treating yourself well?   eating well?   sleeping okay?     making sure you have some time for exercise and recreation?     it's important you be gentle with yourself.   this is hard work.

'ducks


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« Reply #20 on: October 21, 2019, 05:00:57 AM »

I think 40days said some very good things:

this:

For about a year before my ex and I split and for several months after I felt like I was damaged goods. Like I was a bad person in some way. Every time I tried to add everything up and “figure” it out things didn’t equate to how she’d painted me.

and this:

There were genuine issues that I had and I worked on those once I discovered what they were.

these dysfunctional relationships have a way of uncovering and inflaming our own issues.    old timers on this board used to say 'being in a BPD relationship uncovers our own core wound'.    we all have core wounds... we all have our own issues.   I know I did.      for me, healing began when I stopped trying to understand BPD and started trying to understand my intense connection to my Ex.

nice post 40days.

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« Reply #21 on: October 21, 2019, 12:32:53 PM »

@clvrnn.. i feel your pain and understand how desperate you want to know, to get an answer to why.. Its soo hard, but you are stuck in this still.. you must break every contact with her. Block her on instagram so you cant see her there. Your hurting yourself with this and allows her to destroy your life.  She is NOT worth it.  A person that ghost you, block you, hurt you- it aint right... I do still love my ex deadly but we, you and I must go on with our lives.. otherwise it will kill us. We wont get any explanation from them "why".. because they dont know themselves . They are gone. And it breaks us.. but please do try to move on @clvrnn... i have been thinking like you also, try knock on her door, ask her family , friends.. but then I ask myself... would they tell? They got her story, not yours  and they cant do anything to make u feel better.. That is what i have concluded and i think am right. If they have wanted us back- they would be back.. take care of yourself and try move foward.. for your own  best. Am worried about you. / Yoke
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« Reply #22 on: October 21, 2019, 01:00:28 PM »

@clvrnn

If it makes you feel any better... I'm blocked by my ubpexbf for 2 weeks now pretty much and he will only unblock me to accuse me of stealing something (which I didn't) just to block me again so I can't defend myself... Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
So it's NOT going to make SENSE to YOU why they blocked you.... it could be you.... or it could be them making up an entire scenario in their head (painting you black) to make themselves FEEL better....thanks to some people replying to me on this board, I understand a bit more now. Either way, what does it matter? They blocked us... it's time to start moving on... if you WANT to work on the r/s when/if she decides to come back... at least you'll be in a healthier state to handle the BPD. Otherwise, if you think you didn't do anything to warrant being blocked, then believe this! Believe IN YOURSELF.
Why do we put so much effort into wondering about them? and put so little effort into ourselves? And allowing them to get away with all the emotion in the world, but don't allow US to be angry/upset etc... It's fine to let them get away with their stuff but it's fine to not punish ourselves for having feelings also...
You're not a robot clvrnn... you're a human with your own feelings, thoughts, and views. Believe in yourself. Believe that you tried, to your BEST ability at the moment, all you could to be with her.

Whether or not later on in life, you can look back and see where /if you went wrong, that takes time to grow. I look back now on SOME ex's years ago and think to myself "ahhh... this is what I DID." and apologize for it now to get it off my chest.
Other ex's , I look back and think, "nah , I wasn't in the wrong there. I DID try to my best abilities."
Every r/s will be different. YOU will be different in every r/s because we grow as people... that's the beauty of it... But we must make sure we are always growing in a positive direction, not negative.

It's okay to want to know why they blocked you... but like 40days wrote.. sometimes you won't like the answer or it won't make sense to you at all (like in my case... since when am I a thief? never. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) and I can 100% vouch for never being a thief nor even having the intention of stealing anything from anyone or using anything of anyone's without permission.. I know this about myself, in my heart, so that's ALL that matters. Whatever he thinks about me, whatever your ex thinks about you is THEIR opinion. It's what THEY will hold onto, true or not. I know it's probably not the answer you're looking for. But i'm in your position too... just leave it be. If she wants to come back, she will. Smiling (click to insert in post) It's ok to feel like sh*it, it's ok to cry or be mad.
But for now, trust the fact that she will most likely come back one day (whether it's days, weeks, months , years from now)... so try and make yourself the best guy you can be as I'm doing now. And try not to be so hard on yourself.
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« Reply #23 on: October 22, 2019, 11:33:36 AM »

Hello all,

Thank you so much for all the kind replies. I have been reading them over the last day or so and processing my feelings/thoughts.

I have realised, I think, that this search for "why" and desire for her to provide me with some sort of answer is because of many things. I think my mind has latched onto this search for answers to avoid feeling the full extent of the pain of the situation, which is that she ended things just as they were going well, and is never going to speak to me again.

The fact that I didn't really "do" anything to cause the breakdown of the relationship. I was trying to just be 'normal'. We'd spend time together, watch films, go to bed, go to uni. Talk, laugh, listen to music. I was, actually, happy. I enjoyed being around her.  Some of it of course was negative, and I felt frustrated at times, but I still had those happy feelings.

Then one day, she destroyed it. So quickly, within five minutes, everything was shattered. She never really spoke to me again. I still can't tell you the actual reason she ended it. So I am upset, still, that she chose to do this. Then she blocked me when I tried to say hello to her, which only further added to the pain. Then my mind searched for answers to try and make sense of it, to try and soothe my pain.

But there are no answers. This is it. She probably has someone else, probably doesn't care when I message the group chat and my name comes up. Doesn't care when I brush past  her to leave the classroom (which I had to do the other day, I practically touched her as I squeezed through the only exit) - my presence doesn't matter to her.

It's immensely painful. Unlike any emotional pain I've faced before.

But this is the illness, isn't it? I know that. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know I just tried to be a 'normal' partner. I always replied to messages, I always tried to be caring, I always tried to be helpful and kind, affectionate, understanding, polite to her family. But none of it mattered in the end. She wasn't able to see those qualities in me and that's painful. She doesn't want me in her life for reasons unknown and that's painful.

So I think I realise that I am probably just avoiding the pain by seeking answers. It's horrible coming into uni and not being able to sit with or talk to her. I don't know how she manages it, or wants to leave things like this. I guess she just doesn't care.
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« Reply #24 on: October 22, 2019, 01:29:43 PM »

But this is the illness,  isn't it?

I'm going to say Yes and No.

I would suggest there is another part of the puzzle that it would be helpful to look at.

The type and nature of the bond you formed with her.

It won't give you answers about what is in her head.

I think it will help explain why this has been so difficult.
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« Reply #25 on: October 22, 2019, 02:23:46 PM »

But this is the illness,  isn't it?

I'm going to say Yes and No.

I would suggest there is another part of the puzzle that it would be helpful to look at.

The type and nature of the bond you formed with her.

It won't give you answers about what is in her head.

I think it will help explain why this has been so difficult.

Perhaps. There was a period of time when I did try looking at the bond, etc. I came to the conclusion that it's because she reminds me of a grandmother with NPD, also characteristics of emotional distance that my own mother had when she was depressed. The ignoring, the silence - that is a huge trigger for me with this person in particular. That stems from I think seeking approval, seeking closeness. See, the thing is I did all of this work, but it feels as if knowing that doesn't change anything. For example, "now what?" - now that I know this, now what? It doesn't lessen the feelings, it doesn't tell me what to do when I see her at uni or explain those feelings.

Not to be rude to you, I'm just saying that I did try that aproach and it didn't yield much. That's why I feel hopeless and stuck, because I feel like this is just going to go on forever.

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« Reply #26 on: October 22, 2019, 03:43:02 PM »

@Ducks,

I think I misunderstood - I think you mean what did the connection bring me, perhaps? In terms of how it made my self-esteem feel, or how it made me feel worthy, or something.

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« Reply #27 on: October 22, 2019, 10:16:03 PM »

@clvrnn. Can I ask something? Were you a couple when u decided to study at the Uni? Is there any option for you to change Uni now?

I know its hard all this. The awful pain, emptyness,  grief... all of it. ! Because i have felt it and still do feel some of it..   But theraphy helps. This pain you feel- it has not all to do with her- some of the pain comes from yourself. She just opend the door to it..

Excerpt
 The ignoring, the silence - that is a huge trigger for me with this person in particular. That stems from I think seeking approval, seeking closeness.".. this is something that is a part of your wounds. Something deep thats inside yourself that makes it hard also. That is what i have learned during my time after the breakup. At my therapist.  Its old wounds that we must go to the bpttom with also. So we can heal. You need to heal that also and try understand why you have it hard to cut all contact with her and try heal yourself @clvrnn.  I know its hard to understand, but there is an underlying reason why we did stay in that hurting rs, and why we allowed to be treated like shxxx. Why we have it so hard to let go..
Exceept
That's why I feel hopeless and stuck, because I feel like this is just going to go on forever." ..

It is only YOU who can decide if you want it to go on forever, no one else.. it is going to take time to heal. Grief, scream, whatever makes you get out of the pain.. allow it. Allow to feel it. But at the same time, you must start foccus on yourself now. Try not foccus anymore of what, if, and why. It will only trigger your pain more and it will never end...because you/i will never get any answers. We did all we could to love them. You are an amazing , caring man who did nothing wrong at all . You tried to love her. I know that. All of us know that. Its their disorder that made her act like she do. And she will continue with next guy, and next. And probably has a new one already because they hate being alone... am sorry to say that, but that is the truth... Try to switch some of the pain into anger. Think how she treated you and how much it hurt you. That cant ease the pain but its a small small step foward.. take care.
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« Reply #28 on: October 23, 2019, 04:46:49 AM »

I know its hard all this. The awful pain, emptyness,  grief... all of it. ! Because i have felt it and still do feel some of it..   But theraphy helps. This pain you feel- it has not all to do with her- some of the pain comes from yourself. She just opend the door to it..

Yoke is right.

Hang in there while we look at this more deeply.

the conventional wisdom is that there is a reason we end up in these relationships.    that there is a reason we ignore the early  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post).   that there is reason why we stay when clearly the relationship is breaking down.   that there is a reason why we find letting go and detaching so very hard.

I agree with the conventional wisdom.   what was true for me, was there was more than one reason I stayed.    they were uniquely my own reasons.

my partner was diagnosed Bipolar 1 and BPD.    she was compliant with medications.    very regular with therapy.    and that was certainly one part of what was going on in our relationship.   but it wasn't the only thing.   in any  complicated and complex relationship it's never just one person and it's never just one problem

now, we spent/spend a lot of time dealing with blame and fault during the abusive parts of our relationships.    I am absolutely not saying that this is anyone's fault.  or that we are to blame.    good/bad,  right/wrong,   those are not useful constructs when looking at our relationships.

what we see all over these boards again and again......  and the conventional wisdom in the therapeutic community who deals with high conflict couples is that we ~fit~ with our partners in some very deep and intense ways.   that this deep intense emotional attachment is formed because two people bring things to the table.   

again there is no judgement there.     no right / wrong.    a lot of time the pairing you see with someone who has BPD characteristics is with a partner who has NPD characteristics.     those two tend to ~fit~ together.    some times you see someone with codependent tendencies pair with a pwBPD.     it's another form of addiction.      many of our members here are significantly depressed but partner with some who has intense emotional swings, maybe as an outlet for their own emotions?    I am not sure.

sometimes there are secondary reasons..... a shared history or commitment to certain institutions ,... our own higher than average need for validation,

the point is we ~fit~ with our partners or our Ex's for a reason.   we are getting some need met.    we have to be getting a need met or we wouldn't stay.

@Ducks,

I think I misunderstood - I think you mean what did the connection bring me, perhaps?

so yes... this is more what I am asking.... what did the connection bring you?   can you find the reason or reasons that brought you to the relationship and what need was driving it?   Yoke is right,    focusing on yourself,   finding your own answers... not the one she'll give you,  finding ways to define and describe and heal from this yourself  that's the path forward.

'ducks
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« Reply #29 on: October 23, 2019, 07:27:48 AM »

This is in response to me looking at what the connection bought me

OK. So before I noticed her in class, I had a friend who knew of her through mutual friends. My friend would repeatedly exclaim, “F is on your course, you know! She’s so pretty, look at her Instagram!” – I can remember this clearly. I’d sometimes get annoyed with my friend – I couldn’t see anything remarkable about F, and was bemused as to why she kept going on about it.

I only began noticing F (not the real initial) when she would come very close to me, and ask me what my name was, with a HUGE smile and prolonged eye contact. She’d also recently shaved her hair off (as some kind of trendy liberation-type move) and I noticed her for the first time, then. I thought she was really pretty. But, as I hadn’t noticed her before, was it really me thinking she was pretty, or was it the nature of the intermittent way she would approach me? She would often stare at me from across the classroom, or laugh at my jokes while giving eye contact.

This all happened just after I’d been struggling internally with anxiety over being at uni. I’d completed a full year in one degree where I felt incredibly isolated and depressed that I hadn’t made any friends. I was on the verge of being withdrawn from the course, because my attendance was so low. So to then experience this – someone focusing on me, who seemed to find me funny and attractive, felt good.

Then of course, she’d withdraw, then come back, then withdraw. I think what is key is that I didn’t find her attractive at all when my friend kept showing her to me, and thought she was very bland-looking.

I remember later on expressing to my same friend things like “F and I SLEPT together!” or referring to her in ways that indicated she was someone to obtain, higher status, etc. Cool, in demand, sexy (she isn’t actually any of these things, but at the time that’s how she appeared)

She also has the singing thing – on Instagram, she appears as very mature, sensual, calm. The vocals are mature, she’s always singing about love, etc. That added to the perception I had of her. After knowing her in real life – she likes to be read bedtime stories, and is very childish and erratic, as well as not really a nice person – she’s nothing like the perception I had/that she portrays.

Now, in class – if I manage to sit with someone I know, I feel fine – I am able to laugh and joke and chat, and her presence doesn’t bother me. I feel relatively confident. The same when I was attending the gym regularly, I felt great about myself. The same when I get a haircut, I feel good. During things like this, her ignoring and silence seems petty, irrelevant. I feel as If I can attract someone better, or just happy being on my own.

When I go onto her Instagram (I shouldn't, I know) I'm faced with feelings of inadequacy and jealousy - she has 3,000 followers now, and I think "well, no wonder she doesn't need me anymore!" and scroll through profiles of people she knows, thinking that they must be so much better than me to be able to keep her in their lives. I have also convinced myself she's got a better partner even though there is zero evidence for this. That triggers the intense desire to contact her and get answers, why? Why not me? What did I do wrong?! That's a huge trigger.

It seems to be an issue of self-esteem, or confidence. I felt very confident when I was with her – at the uni and outside of it. I felt like I’d achieved something – I’d attracted this amazing singer/pretty girl. Even she would add to this by saying things like “you’ve managed to attract someone like me” in conversations.

I feel worthless, in the wrong, inadequate, invisible, ugly, boring, stupid, fat, gross – all of those I feel when she ignores me. I had a joke with my friend that I’d refer to myself as a gorilla when F was ignoring me. My self-esteem drops when she isn’t talking to me. Even in the early days when she'd distance herself, I would automatically retreat to the "what did I do wrong?"narrative, because she'd do it randomly, and I internalised it.

So I think I am starting to understand a little bit what this is about.

I don’t think F is amazing, or remarkable. There are times when I see her in class and I snap back to myself and think wait, she’s not even my type. She is very unremarkable, very plain. Her personality is odd, and I really didn’t like the anger outbursts or just the way she’d talk to me in general. Of course I had fun with her, and I liked her coming over. But again, the coming over – that felt like some sort of ‘win’ because when she would come over she’d be affectionate. She was never affectionate anywhere else or even in messages. It’s always felt as if she was some sort of prize to win. She would reinforce this as well as I’ve said, with things she’d say (“I cut people off, unless it’s a relationship I want to keep”) – I worked hard to try and keep her, despite my own needs.

Now I can’t stop blaming myself – what did I do wrong? Is she not talking to me because of such-and-such, its all my fault, I FAILED! Even though, to everyone else it’s clear that I didn’t do anything wrong.

Sorry it’s so long, I had to get this out while it was present in my head!!

So perhaps there is a link between my own low confidence/self-esteem, and the being around her which made me feel confident/desired/valuable/as if I'd achieved something after years of unsuccessful relationships. here I was having attracted a younger, pretty, talented, cool person ( despite the obvious red flags that I ignored because I wanted to hang on to this prize)

I"ve been overweight off and on in my life. I have issues with my teeth, skin, I'm not that attractive to many people tbh. I was bullied as a child and teen by family and people at school who focused on my looks. F never commented on any of these, would often tell me she didn't mind my body for example - I felt very free and relaxed in that way. Although she did say I wasn't her type physically so oh well.

I have been on many scenes and met many people, everyone I've ever liked never liked me back, which was often painful. I have always been passed on for someone else, or left for someone else. My confidence and self-esteem is very low. But as I mentioned during those short bursts of confidence I feel as if I can find anyone/don't need anyone, which is how I imagine confident people feel all the time?

So yes. To sum it up. She made me feel very very confident and valued and important, and SEEN. Now I feel unseen, invisible. When I think about her, it's probably not HER I want - but the feeling?

« Last Edit: October 23, 2019, 07:39:56 AM by clvrnn » Logged

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